Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Bella_French on January 07, 2008, 05:26:00 PM
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Hi Bella,
Well how I read it is your experience of this woman was not a pleasant experience. She was rude and disrespectful to you in the past. (using my favourite quote again) The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.
Seems by ignoring your request to call before popping in this woman has not changed.
What I would do......... think very clearly what I want to say and try and say it in one sentence. What would your sentence be? I would rehearse saying it until it came easy to me then the next time I met her I would say my sentence and NOTHING else. The minute you start to discuss etc it is easy to loose your focus. I guess it is about putting down a boundary. What I hear your boundary is, is you do not want her calling to your house uninvited. Her reaction to this boundary, if you choose to put it in place, is her responsibility and nothing to do with you. I am sure this may be very uncomfortable for you but it may be interesting to think about what is the discomfort? Is it because she may be upset/angry etc. What I hear is you are the one who is upset because she is being disrespectful to you. Hope this may be of some use.......please feel free to disregard it if not.
xxxxxxx
Axa
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Wow, Bella.
That is a good question. I will try to think about it and give an answer. It is hard---isn't it? Ami
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What axa said.
You can practice setting a boundary and enforcing it.
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hi Bella
I agree with the one sentence, keeping it short is imperative.
"Normally I am not this blunt but I don't want you to come here anymore, without calling first.".
I think if she requires an explanation, then go with????
"We have a history that I thought was dead, but perhaps not, for me, and I don't want a repeat."--that is messy, but---
Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I've never had to do this.
oh!
"Don't come around here anymore cuz you'll drive me to drink and there I am, back in AA and killing people again!"
or
"You cannot keep dropping by like this. It's like a bird on the roof waiting for me to come out so it can poop on me!"
Good Luck
Izzy
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Good, Bella
thank you.
Now did they fit or is there something else that needs to be said?
xx Izzy
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Axa, that is excellent advice but it scares me to bits, lol. I really love this idea though. As lame as it seems, I think I would need to write down what i want to say, and practise saying it. I get really pent up with anxiety thinking about it though.
What about hiding? Do think hiding would be ok?? Lol
X bella
Bella,
I find standing up for myself a bit scary also but the more I do it in a respectful way the less scary it becomes. I know about wanting to hide and hope it all goes away!!!!!! I do find it useful when I need to set a boundary to work through what is being breached and who is doing it. I find it interesting when someone is disrespectful to me and I need to set a boundary that I feel bad about it until I figure out who is doing what to whom................. takes me a while, bit of a slow learner here.
axa
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Dear Bella,
I think that you should be firm and up front. You don't have to be cruel,but I think that you should be firm. It feels "bad" to me. I think you should honor your "gut" feelings. Love Ami
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Bella,
I just remembered something and wanted to let you know. I realise that when I feel responsiblefor others feelings e.g. feeling guilty when I set a boundary because it may upset the person who is disregarding my boundary, it is because (oh dear, this sounds very complicated) I do not know where I begin and the other ends. I wish I could draw a diagram for you because I could explain it easier. If it does not make sense ok, maybe somebody understands what I am trying to say (rather badly) and can explain what I mean. SOOOOOOOOOO in essence taking on another's feelings means that I do not have clear boundaries with that person....WHAAAAAAAAAAA think I am making this more complicated. Better stop
axa
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Bella... I also find it helpful to sit down and journal through my feelings until they're distilled down to their essense.... no confusion on my part.
I'd be very tempted to do it before confronting this 'friend.'
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Hi Bella-
Your ex-friend sounds like Hyacinth Bucket in the old BBC series "Keeping Up Appearances" - always making people dive into the bushes at the mere sight of her!
The hardest part is that as she is regularly so close to your home, you are a sittimg duck for her visits/attacks!!! You might tell her that you do not accept visitors after work without an appointment- perhaps you could press her with sales pitches for the items produced in your business, often people seem to find that repellant!Izzy's ideas are quite good. You perhaps might also not answer the door for her when she knocks, or put a "Do Not Disturb" or "SHHH-Baby is Sleeping " sign up, play music that drowns her out, etc., ask her to pitch in and mop the kitchen, etc.
I also do not like to tell someone that I do not want to know them better or spend time with them on a one-to-one basis, and prefer to let my actions do the talking. Honest but not mean or arrogant.
Congratulations on your sucessful business Bella!
Love,
Changing
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Hi changing
You mean BOOKAY (Bouquet) Gee I loved her but she drove me nuts.
and that poor brother next door, and the sister never failed to spill tea,
Yes this is a mess but I think Bella can work out something
Izzy
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Hi-
I think one of the running gags was that Hyacinth insisted on pronouncing the last name as "Bouquet" when actually it was spelled "Bucket" and herhusband said that bucket was the correct pronunciation as well.
I know that Bella can handle this Hyacinth redux, and keep her composure, cool and balance while doing it! She is creative, so I am sure she will find an interesting method...
Love,
Changing
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"It's awkward to say this, but I want you to hear me.
I do not want you to drop in without being invited."
[cue] turn and walk away, do not wait for response
love,
Hops
the frustrated nonscreenwriter
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Dear Bella,
Think of it as practicing the "skill" of being assertive. I have a bad feeling about this lady, Bella. I would not let her impose on you. I really wouldn't. Love Ami
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Leah, That story you described about hiding from the lady is SO much like me!!
I can express boundaries in calm, polite, way, but I'm not very good of dealing with them being ignored or having to get `tougher'. I get so churned up, it almost feels as though its not worth the effort. But I guess I've got think about this in the long term sense huh?
I think what I'm going to try is saying something like: `Look, T, I am sorry if I didn't make it clear enough before, but i really need you to call before dropping in. I don't have time for you now. Bye. Please call next time'.
I wish I thought to give her fake phone number doh!!!
Oh, Bella,
I used to get into an awful tummy churning state. The lady peered into the window as I was lying on the floor squashed up against the wall under the sill, I can laugh now, but way back then, it was no laughing situation.
Now, it's just my knees that go wobbly, inside, when asserting myself. :)
I think what I'm going to try is saying something like: `Look, T, I am sorry if I didn't make it clear enough before, but i really need you to call before dropping in. I don't have time for you now. Bye. Please call next time'.
.... saying that you may not have made it clear enough the last time, is respectfully diplomatic. I would go with that.
You are doing the right thing, as I discern that she may well have plan to take root in your life. If that is something you do not want, then, it is best, for you, to nip it in the bud now.
You are responsible for you alone in this situation.
Will be thinking of you.
Love, Leah
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Hi Bella,
I don't like drop in visitors either. The others have offered good advice that I can't improve on. I hope you get it all worked out smoothly. Let us know how it all shakes down.
tt
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I like that too, Leah.
It's a more graceful way to do it.
Hops
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This is the one thing I dislike about my upbringing. Things that are right to do, `feel' so wrong (and vice versa). I wish I was wired up differently sometimes.
Bella
I know this feeling also, it is the real backwards stuff that we were brought up with - It makes me so angry that the right way of doing things is so strange for some of us. Thank you for writing this, much appreciated. Hope those knees are ok, they will feel great when you stand up for yourself .
Axa
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Thank you, Hops
for your encouragement.
Love, Leah
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Thanks so much in advance, for reading this post; I could use a bit of advice with this.
Ok, a few years back (maybe 5?) , I made a female friend at my new workplace, which eventually turned sour. She was new student there, and I was a newly employed casual teacher. She appealed to me because she was a gentle, beautiful, interesting woman, and we were both single and in our thirties, full of hope for our futures. So I guess a lot of our early friendship was based on similar life circumstances and our common interest in creativity.
After about 18 months, things had changed a lot for both of us. To keep it short, many of my hopes were realized, but hers were not (and still are not). She was mostly nice, but on occasion she became resentful, sarcastic, moody, and abusive around me to the point where I just didn't want to be close to her anymore. If I asked her what was really wrong, would smile fakely and say `oh nothing'.
The last time I spoke to her, she screamed at me in my office because of something another teacher did to let her down, as if it were somehow my responsibility to fix that. At that point I told her to take her complaint to the person involved, but i didn't stand up to her. She stormed off, and after that I treated her distantly but politely enough to encourage an apology or explanation for her behavior, which never did eventuate.
Shortly after that I quit my job to run my current business with my partner. That was over two years ago, and I did not feel inclined to keep up any contact with her.
So fast forwarding to this month: as it turns out, this woman now works in my area, and rides her push bike past my house every day!. I have spotted her 3 times now, and I actually hid the first and second times I saw her!!! But the last time it happened, I didn't do that and I spoke to her instead.
She was nice to me, though a bit sarcastic as usual in response to the good aspects of my life, and we shared news regarding mutual friends. She gave me a hug, and then said she'd pop in sometimes after work (knowing where I lived). I didn't want that, so I gave her my phone number and asked her to please call before hand, as we are very busy people. I fully intended to never invite her around.
So now she keeps `popping in' without calling.
I am really stuck here, because I don't know how to tell a person that I like them as an acquaintance, but I don't want anything closer!!!
So far, I've said to her each time she arrived that I am about to go out, and I would prefer if she called before dropping in. And so far she has ignored my wishes.
Do you think I should just continue this way, until she `gets it' or be more direct? . I just can't think of a way to tell her that i don't want her friendship. I've never been able to say those kinds of things to people.
How would you handle this?
Thanks so much for listening
X Bella
I can totally relate to this and I posted a thread about it.
Since this individual is a casual acquaintance who insists on ignoring your boundaries, I would raise the volume. If she continues to TRESPASS, then treat her like any other TRESPASSER.
Bones
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Dear Bella,
During this afternoon, been thinking about you while wondering if you have had a visit from 'you know who' to deal with?
Love, Leah
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Hugs back to you ~ Bella
So pleased to know.
Love, Leah
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Izzy, you are so witty. I love it.
Axa, I'm going to guess at what I think you are trying to say to Bella about not knowing where you begin and they end...is it like feeling VIOLATED?
Bella: She was nice to me, though a bit sarcastic as usual in response to the good aspects of my life, and we shared news regarding mutual friends.
Please keep us informed of how it turns out. I can relate to the relationship you had with this person. When I read the above, it made me realize what would likely happen if X came back into my life. I did sort of run into her and former best friend today online. I did not say anything to either of them, and personally I feel they deserve each other if former best friend was dumb enough to run back into the situation after all she and I discussed about what happened to us and our children at X's hands. You reminded me that ever getting back with them would be a BAD thing! Thanks Bella.
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Bella:
I found that, even if you get an apology for behavior similar to what you've experienced......
whoever acted that way.....
Isn't going to be able keep from repeating similar behavior.
They can try but.....
the feelings, that drove them to the behavior, in the first place.....
keep bubbling back up again, even when they're trying to do better.
That's been my very limited experience (with someone who was capable of providing a very rational heartfelt apology.)
I have lower expectations for someone who wouldn't be able to apologize :?
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Lighter, you are sooooooooo right. Even the times when X and I tried to patch things up, it all went right back to square one again.
I told a friend of mine that i ran into the two of em yesterday online. This friend was very comforting to me but also pretty much feels they deserve each other. See, this friend and I both urged my former best friend to steer clear of x, so if she is foolish enough to end up back with her, well, let the "chips fall where they may."
I just wish that when they left, they didn't take a piece of US with em, ya know?
~L
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Hey RM,
Can you stay out of that forum they're on?
hugs
Hops
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oh it's not a forum Hops, and frankly, I was there FIRST, so THEY can leave if they choose. I'm not goin anywhere. sounds like a brat, but it's true. God sent me into that room and I plan to continue fellowshipping in it till He moves me elsewhere, but thanks for your advice.