Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Leah on January 12, 2008, 05:02:55 PM
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What is the need to fix?
> The need to fix is:
Compulsively driven behavior to rescue or help another person, the way you believe the person "should be.''
Seeing another person "in need'' and the automatic response pattern to this message.
Belief that, unless everything is "just right'' for another person, then that person can never fully be happy in life.
Inability to accept, people, places, or things the way they are, and the chronic attempt at changing them even if they are unchangeable or uncomfortable.
Acting on the belief that you have the knowledge that 'the Others' must know and accept, so you strive, to correct their thinking as they must "see the light'' your way.
Inability to maintain emotional detachment from a person hurting or in trouble. You proceed to fix them even if this means that they are hindered from personal growth, and accepting personal responsibility, for their own actions.
Inability to not, give advice, suggestions, or offers of help, even when you know in doing so, that it will hinder another person's growth and personal mastery in life.
Interfering in business and personal affairs "to help'' people even when they haven't asked for your help or assistance.
Drive to feel "needed'' or "wanted'' which leads you to become overly involved and overresponsible in your relationships,
Result of a pattern of getting approval and recognition from 'others' for your "helping'' with the belief that this is the only way you can have meaning in life.
Wanted to know and understand the role of a 'Fixer'
with regard to my work on being DISMISSED.
Leah
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I have worked very hard to break my "fixer" addiction. It seems to be tied in with the old pollyanna stuff......... not too bad these days, can stay out of other people's stuff but then I know I have much better boundaries when I am not in a relationship. Once I get invovled with a man all my hard learned lessons seem to disappear down the swanie.
I am clear about my need to be a fixer..........always trying to fix things for Mummy and Daddy in the hope that someday the would notice me, and see what a good girl I was.......never did happen.
axa
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I only do that with my son. Nobody else. And he hates it.
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This is my mom-however, she has been known to abandon me AND my brother during one of her fixes for me. Two times she tried to fix first my ex and then a boyfriend. In both cases our family was torn apart by her intrusiveness and yet she would not give up her fixes-in fact then she started throwing accusations our way as horrible people. Most of the time she has tried to fix us and it just made me feel so awful and unworthy.
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Lollie,
Great post..........and it explains the fixer so well. Yes, Yes, Yes.......fixing does work on a number of levels and I never had thought of that before. My anxiety is releaved, so I am doing better, the other sees me as the "helpful"one, and I get to jolly everyone along with my jokes and that lifts everyone but it never did fix what I wanted fixing: that I would feel loved. I am so not a fixer these days that sometimes I think I get viewed as unhelpful. I do know that I have to go from one extreme to the other to find that healthy middle spot and that is what I am aiming for.
Very helpful post........who is your navel? Still looking good.
axa
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I will switch the term to enabler. I have watched my H family do this to his 41 year old sister. They do not want the family to look bad so they keep trying to fix her. Set her up in an apartment-get a job-then she will do great. Six months tops she loses her job and drinks herself into oblivion. This pattern has been repeating itself since she was 20. Some things just cannot be fixed.
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Dear Axa,
So resonate with what you have shared, as a fellow Pollyanna person, who likewise, used to be a fixer in ones life, as I look back at my life with exNH and N FOO also. Always stepping into the mess they had got themselves into, and trying to help them sort it out, then being DISMISSED throughout the exercise.
Truly, being to draw this all together now.
I am beginning to see just how tied into the kind Pollyanna way of life that being a FIXER could be. In particular, as I have shared on my 'Doormat to Empowerment' thread having recently purchased and reading through Lynne Namka's insightful book "Doormat Syndrome"
> To set a balance, Patrica Evans has highlighted the characteristics of a FIXER as a Controlling person, a Controller.
So therefore, while I have been a Fixer in my life as a 'Pollyanna Doormat' such as yourself, my NMother very much ticks the boxes as a Controlling person, Controller in her role of a Fixer.
This is all coming together now, with FIXER (as a doormat person or a controller person) and the outcome of being DISMISSED.
My Pollyanna Doormat role with regard to my NParents, was very much to be validated and loved by them, as I never was, however, I now know it cannot be.
I understand so well, Axa, your concern, with regard to knowing and setting your boundaries now, when not in a relationship, and then becoming involved with someone and all ones hard learned lessons disappearing down the swanie. That is very much my concern and the reason for holding back in choosing to not step out into the dating arena. Don't know how the dating concept is going to pan out, presently. To be honest, I must have filed it away under 'pending' as I seem to be avoiding that one!
Love, Leah
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I will switch the term to enabler. I have watched my H family do this to his 41 year old sister. They do not want the family to look bad so they keep trying to fix her. Set her up in an apartment-get a job-then she will do great. Six months tops she loses her job and drinks herself into oblivion. This pattern has been repeating itself since she was 20. Some things just cannot be fixed.
Fixer, can be, can become, in the role of an Enabler
an Enabler reinforces sometimes 'unhealthy' behavior
therefore, is not helping the person at all.
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Oh Leah, This fixer stuff is really bringing it up for me.... how about this. I tried to fix Xn, I put so much energy into this even when those around who knew him longer than I did told me he was "mad".... "crazy, dangerous"........... then I tried to fix his xwife with mental health issues and little connection with reality........then I tried to fix his son who was so battered from his father's abuse, and then I tried to fix his daughter who was lost having been abandoned by her mother when she was 8. And you know what happened...... well no one got fixed but they all used me and then when I was not useful anymore, closed ranks and I became nothing to them. Well I never was anything to them other than a pathetic "softie" who they could manipulate. In my own defense the fact that I was still in shock after my daughter's death made me such easy pickings.
Feeling mad Leah, Good mad, not bad mad. And have so learned FIXING DOES NOT WORK AND IT REALLY HURTS THE FIXER.
xxxxx
Slan,
Axa
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Oh Leah, This fixer stuff is really bringing it up for me.... how about this. I tried to fix Xn, I put so much energy into this even when those around who knew him longer than I did told me he was "mad".... "crazy, dangerous"........... then I tried to fix his xwife with mental health issues and little connection with reality........then I tried to fix his son who was so battered from his father's abuse, and then I tried to fix his daughter who was lost having been abandoned by her mother when she was 8. And you know what happened...... well no one got fixed but they all used me and then when I was not useful anymore, closed ranks and I became nothing to them. Well I never was anything to them other than a pathetic "softie" who they could manipulate. In my own defense the fact that I was still in shock after my daughter's death made me such easy pickings.
Feeling mad Leah, Good mad, not bad mad. And have so learned FIXING DOES NOT WORK AND IT REALLY HURTS THE FIXER.
xxxxx
Slan,
Axa
Dear Axa,
Yes, truly hear you, and understand what you mean by good mad.
well no one got fixed but they all used me and then when I was not useful anymore, closed ranks and I became nothing to them.
That has slapped me on the face like a wet kipper!
Because, that is the thing that will get me thinking as and when, it comes up to remembrance, for that is my flashback bug.
Anything and everything else, more or less, to my present awareness, I have let go of, completely, but, the DISMISSAL is the hardest nut to crack.
'Maude the Mule' and 'Softie' are my choice of nicknames, along with 'Doormat' regarding my life in the PAST
((((( Axa ))))) tis' true, you would have been a 'soft' target after your dear daughter had to leave you, as you would have been in a state of in shock, floundering to feel your Self.
Thing is, the truth is, they had no intention of 'changing' them Self(s) for the good, for the better, they take what they can, Dismiss & Dump.
No more, being a 'Softie' Fixer for us.
The good thing about it is, that we know, that they remain the same, whereas, we are moving on to better things. :)
Slan
Love, Leah
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Leah,
Moving on is right. Interestingly though it is the sense of being "nothing" to people I genuienly cared about is the most shocking part for me now. I really struggle to come to grips with this. I sometimes recall good times we had together, XN his D and I and then I remember that I was nothing to them and it really does knock me for six. It felt like the people I loved had been invaded by aliens..........everything I KNEW about them........him, honest and reliable, she loving and soft well it was like flipping a coin. When the chips were down they both turned out to be the opposite to what they had portrayed to me. It really was so shocking. So I go from a brief memory of them as how I thought they were to the reality of them and WOW it is like getting punched in the stomach.........the same stuff again. I know some time it will pass but I thought I had worked through this, not so simple huh!
Slan
axa
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Dear Axa,
True, so very true, the sense of 'nothing' is real, very real ~ in the aftermath, and, in the realization and enlightenment too.
That part just does not seem to evaporate when the mist has cleared.
What you said has just hit me, that 'knowing' in time it will pass. That has given me a real sense of peace. Thank you.
It will pass, for you, and for me, and for others too.
Slan
Love, Leah
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night night,
axa
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goodnight Axa
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Hi Lollie,
This may be a roundabout way to explain my story, but it seems to me the right way tonight. (And my belly button seems awfully interesting ) Thank you, that made me chuckle lots. :lol:
Resonate with what you have shared regarding feeling a desire to fix other people. The root of which, stemmed from my childhood, whereby, as the firstborn, it was my responsibility to do so much in the home, in my role of 'Maude the Mule.'
When learning and enlightenment came, with validation, of how my life had been invested in their lives, which would be in one mess or another etc., i.e. my N FOO and added to which having to be the right arm for my now exNH ...... in truth, I never had a life.
....... and then being DISMISSED ~ DISCARDED ~ DUMPED
serves to make one feel completely NULLIFIED as a person.
Anyway, as I have posted before, I have dealt with depression for most of my life. Last year, as I was making progress and meeting with success in my life both personally and professionally, my depression really felt as if it were melting away. That's when I had a panic attack. Right out of the blue. I was upset and angry with myself for being out of control. I also felt bewildered. I never, ever had issues with anxiety. I was always the strong one, the capable one, the person people relied on during times of stress and chaos to fix things and make it all better. Now I felt weak, vulnerable, helpless...as if a piano was about to drop on my head at any time.
Oh, Lollie, truly, really do understand what you are saying, sharing, as when my life collapsed and fell apart, what struck me was that good old 'Maude' had become lost in confusion. 'Maude' had lost her Self. Honestly, it was awful, staking stock and asking the question "Whatever happened to Maude?" "Where did Maude go?"
"Where did I go?" In my numbness and fog.
Of course, it was sometime before I was told of PTSD and it's effects. Recently, I have recalled how the PTSD did actually for a short time afterward, come and go, like waves on a shore. That part also surprised me.
But, coming out of that PTSD Fogginess was like been born afresh in a sense.
Though there was so much work to do in finding me, as a person, the real whole healthy balanced person.
'Maude' has gone, and now, Leah is lives and is living a new life ahead filled with hope, peace, promise and joy. :)
Maybe, Lollie, what you have felt with the piano experience, is maybe what I felt, with the waves on the shore, washing back at me, and taking me by surprise.
My need to be a caretaker and fixer runs very, very deep. But I have developed at least an ability to step back and ask myself why I feel the need to fix someone before I rush in and actually do it. I have to step back and ask myself is this really about helping, or is it really about me? It's hard work, but I think it's critical if you want to be authentic with yourself and with the people you love.
So very true Lollie. Really, in essence, one needs to remember to ask "for whose benefit?" "to the good for whom?" I think.
Personally, my real hope is that my new found ability to stand back from my feelings and emotions, in standing aside, will help me to stand and see, with discernment, while being true to myself. That is my real hope for my new life, along the pathway ahead.
Thank you so much for sharing of your precious life journey.
There is no instant fix available, unfortunately! Life's journey may not be an easy one, but, worth persevering with along the way!
Warm thoughts and good wishes,
Love, Leah
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Lollie and Leah,
Had a thought this morning about being a fixer. My whole life was focused outwards, how others were feeling, thinking, doing. I had no internal map, no place to retreat to restore myself. The more crazy the outside got, the more I reached outside for the answer. I never learned the importance of looking within for our truth. I think this is common in N FOO. Due to the unpredictability and crazymaking going on all the time the children have nothing positive consistantly mirrored to them to help build their sense of self. If someone liked me I felt good, if they did not I felt bad and had to change their mind. Much of it was terribly controlling also. I see this. I would have turned myself inside out to make everything ok........
Little irony, I was reading controlling people by Patricia Evans when I met XN........Blind or WHAT
xxxxxxx
axa
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CB
It really is scary, like I am losing my mind. Part of me wants to tell him AGAIN what he has done to me. Don't worry NO CONTACT I really understand that bit but it as if I have slipped back and do not understand that he couldn't hear me. It is full of me trying to fix something again. It is crazy.
I have been trying to see if my flashbacks and desire to "have it out with XN again" is a part of me that I am unable to hold or see and feel a need to project onto him what does this mean? The struggle is with the part of me who wants to explain and sort things out represented by my desire to talk to him and the chaotic part which cannot hear and dismisses me are in battle. Funny, just writing this has eased some anxiety within me. Ok, wish I could make an image of this. Me - wants to be heard, understood. Me- a mess, dismissive, angry, unavailable. So it looks like these parts are locked in battle. Maybe what I need is a dialoge between these two parts because I know it is inside in me and I want to work through it.
Will try a dialogue. The walls are very thin where I live, have been doing lots of crying, very loud crying today and now I am going to have this very firm loud talk with myself............... think they will be sending the men in the white coats.
Thank you all so much for your responses to me. It really matters not to feel alone and to know you guys are there.
Much, much love,
axa
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Dear Axa
Crying is good, is releases, for me, it did, does, a work of healing and restoring.
Waves of crying, came for me, different depths, different times.
Sometimes expected.
Sometimes unexpected, taking me by surprise.
((((((( Axa ))))))))
and a Hug
Leah
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Leah,
Thank you, did lots of crying today. Also did some gestalt work with my two voices and what has come up for me is lack of compassion for myself. I drive myself so hard to be OK.......... and give myself little space to be vulnerable. I need to understand that I cannot be ok all the time. I feel like the only place I can come with my vulnerability is here. I cannot do it in the 3d world. I know people see me as this incredibly capable person who can get over ANYTHING. I know I have contributed to this view of me by always being stoic. I would so love to have someone take care of me for a little while, yep, I know me and many others here. Sometimes it just all gets too much. Signed up for a life drawing class this afternoon so feeling slightly more up beat.
xxxxxx
Thanks for hearing me.
Slan
axa