Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: emptied on January 13, 2008, 10:00:20 AM
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I am wondering if you would be willing to share one or two steps that you took in your life that you feel were the most important in helping you to start to recover. What has worked for you? Thanks very much in advance.
E
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Dear E,
Have been thinking of your posting, which is brave to ask, and of which, I truly respect.
I would like to consider just one or two steps, as you say, and be able to share concisely, not in length (as in my rambling) to be of sensible use and meaning, for you.
I hope to be able to post back later on with this after giving it some thought.
Hope you are enjoying your day.
Love, Leah
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Dear E.
Was just reading your post, and I suppose a lot depends on what you have the energy to undertake at any given point after the N-trauma. If you are at the immediate post-N state, then IMO it is important to actually spoil yourself a little, be "selfish" for a while (and that is very hard for those of us who are NOT selfish L). One is so run-down after the dreadful experience that the physical self also needs some loving care, proper eating, vitamins, sleep.......
On a more practical note, I found the help of a therapist invaluable in those dreadful early days, definitely very worth while. A second step was to get back to a good exercise programme, which truly helps one both physically and mentally. These two things were, I found, quite invaluable.
All the best and hope you are having a good day.
Hermes
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Dear E,
Well.... don't get remarried right away!!! :shock:
I did, within months of ex-ing npd husband.
Not a wise move, humanly speaking, but through it all, I met Jesus Christ -
and so, by the grace of God, my life is not my own anymore... and yet it's growing in directions I never imagined possible!
Love to you,
Carolyn
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Dear E
Have not forgot about you, and will try to post tomorrow, truly sorry.
Please know that your wise words on Tayana's Dating thread, have been duly noted in my journal!!
Thank you for joining us, you are valued and appreciated.
Love, Leah
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Dear Emptied, I think it is important to understand what happened and write about it. A therapist is a very good way to go but don't be surprised if it takes a while to find one that understands. I have seen dozens of therapists over the years, partly because my mother found me so difficult to deal with, that she had me seeing a psychiatrist when I was 5 years old. I had some handle on what was going on since I was 12 but it only had a name when, recently, someone found me on MySpace and starting talking about this condition. I, also, found it very helpful to draw diagrams of patterns of behaviour. Some of the diagrams I drew in 1990 have been so helpful, now.
Keep contributing to the board. I, personally, found your story horrifying, and very sad.
Kim in Oz
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Dear E,
I think a good therapist also. Something I have come to in the last year and has had a profound impact on my life is meditation. I am not very good at it!! but it gave me release from the madness and pain of being with an N. Also exercise, it did make a difference.
A few days after I threw XN out of my life I made a long list of things I would do if I was not afraid. It was a mixture of exotic things and very very ordinary things and you know what, as the year passed I crossed each one off my list and just felt better and better. I claimed something back for me. I realised that the more I gave out to others the less I had for myself. I was EMPTY. I think filling yourself in whatever way you can is most important.
Thank you for this thread. I was having a very bad morning this morning and remembering how far I have come has lifted me. Thank you for your help to me.
Axa
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For me it was the realization that I had been controlled by my mom my whole life and finally getting angry enough to set some pretty firm boundaries. My anger gets the best of me sometimes. I occasionally blow up at my mom but Those boundaries are number one in my book. If someone steps on my boundaries I immediately stop them.
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Dear Emptied,
What an honest and humble question.
I think that facing the truth about ourselves and our life will heal us. The Bible promises that,"You Shall Know the Truth and the Truth will Make you Free.'
I think that the 'truth", taken as a 'medicine" will heal. It is bitter, though,lol.However,it is sweet,in the end. Love Ami
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Well.... don't get remarried right away!!! :shock:
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Dear Carolyn,
Your quote(above) reminds me of the saying,"Marry in haste, repent in leisure'--bleh. Love Ami
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Well.... don't get remarried right away!!! :shock:
Dear Carolyn,
Your quote(above) reminds me of the saying,"Marry in haste, repent in leisure'--bleh. Love Ami
Re: my Life with exNH
The saying is true, I did !!!! :(
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I jumped into marriage and got a one dimensional man. He is a drunk and definitely has something missing. Like I will say something about politics and his response is Good for her. How shallow is that. Good for her. Good for him. Not- Well they have a good point about the economy or I prefer his plan for health care. he just does not get it-or at least MY IT. I jumped to spite my n Mom and the only person it hurt was ME!
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Dear E
This is a wonderful resourceful thread, for all who may pass through, or remain. Also, an opportunity to focus.
The most important step for me that has been of help:
Digging to find my Authentic Self, me, Leah.
The Seeking, Finding, Thinking, Sifting, Sorting; all the stones out of my life journey.
Painful for sure, but, worth every small step.
Practicing the Tools learned, and gained, by applying them in life's testy situations.
Hard work, and sometimes lonely, however, being part of a community such as this, makes a difference.
Journal writing in a journal, and also, on the computer, has been so therapeutic, and healing.
Listening and Hearing ~ being Heard back, makes a real difference.
all of which = Confidence building, to give strength to my wobbly knees! :)
Grateful for every step of the way.
Love, Leah
>>> Tools for life such as:
# Setting Healthy Boundaries
# No Contact ~ Limited Contact
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Emptied,
Being able to catch "negative tapes" was the biggest step for me, I think. When I realized that many of the thoughts I attributed to my "bad" nature were actually planted by my NM. For example, thoughts about being the bad sheep, about doing things differently than most people - those were all words I could trace back to my mother - and not one bit true. I have always been a stable and responsible person. She sees me as some sort of maverick, lowly person. So... listen the next time you are thinking about yourself, and make sure what you hear is true.
I also have been reading quite a bit, and that brings to light more of the implanted thoughts and also helps with knowing I am not alone in this. For so many years, I just thought I was different from anyone else and felt angry and helpless. I now feel empowered knowing I can choose how I want to be.
So glad you are here, Emptied.
Love, Beth
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Hello to everyone:
Another important point to remember is that "life is unfair". That is how it is. We have only to look around to see multiple examples. IMO an acceptance of this fact is important. You can get caught in the path of a runaway truck whose brakes have failed, through no fault of your own. Wrong place at the wrong time. A lot of maybes. Maybe the driver or maintenance people should have checked out those brakes, maybe the failure was no one's fault, maybe the driver had not enough skill to steer the vehicle off the road, into a field whatever. Who know?
I simply draw this analogy to illustrate the things that can happen.
What one cannot do is beat oneself up for being in "the wrong place at the wrong time."
IMO this is a good article.
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040315-000001.html
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Good point, Hermes! Ami
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Empty,
NC was the best advice......sometimes I didn't follow it, but it certainly is the most necessary to move on.
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Hello to everyone:
Another important point to remember is that "life is unfair". That is how it is. We have only to look around to see multiple examples. IMO an acceptance of this fact is important. You can get caught in the path of a runaway truck whose brakes have failed, through no fault of your own. Wrong place at the wrong time. A lot of maybes. Maybe the driver or maintenance people should have checked out those brakes, maybe the failure was no one's fault, maybe the driver had not enough skill to steer the vehicle off the road, into a field whatever. Who know?
I simply draw this analogy to illustrate the things that can happen.
What one cannot do is beat oneself up for being in "the wrong place at the wrong time."
IMO this is a good article.
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040315-000001.html
Hi Hermes,
Just spotted this, and read the article, on the 'what helps' board. Superb for this thread.
Brilliant insightful resource.
So glad you have joined us!
Leah
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Emptied, there were actually 3 things that really helped me.
1. Finding a good therapist because I had no real world support system. My family wasn't supportive of my decisions. I didn't really have friends, so finding a therapist that could help me set manageable goals and work toward them was very important.
2. Moving out of my parents' house in a place of my own. It's had it's ups and downs, but it's been the best thing I could have done.
3. Going No Contact with my mom until I could decide what sort of boundaries I wanted. This has probably been the most helpful, truthfully.
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I am wondering if you would be willing to share one or two steps that you took in your life that you feel were the most important in helping you to start to recover. What has worked for you? Thanks very much in advance.
E
Hi Emptied, welcome and good luck with your recovery.
The most important steps for me:
*find a good therapist; in my case a psychologist who understands narcissistic personality disorder.
*accept my own part in things which go wrong and deal with my own problems; for me that was give up alcohol, address my early childhood issues and manage bipolar illness.
*commit to living a good life- working out what are good values, healthy diet & self-care regime, fulfilling career and spiritual life. I look back now and if I'd been doing these things before I would not have had the inclination to be involved with an abusive difficult partner in the first place! As I meet my own needs I am less and less inclined to be in any unhealthy relationship and all my relationships have shifted a lot.
*accept life's not perfect.
I had a horrible childhood and a difficult marriage. Sometimes the far-reaching consequences are really painful. For so long I struggled with trying to get back to the life I thought I ought to have had, when the best thing was to step away and change.
Divorce was one example of that, for the longest time I thought I had to stay married to be true to myself; instead I needed to change my views about marriage and accept that there won't be a perfect solution, just do my best.
*committing time.
It may take years to fully heal, it's a process.Many things we fail at are because we have an unrealistic view of the process especially the time commitment I think.
*thankfullness journal
For several years I read Simple Abundance by Sarah Breathnach and kept a daily thankfullness journal with at least 5 good things each day which stood out. Helped me keep focussed on the growing little positives.
Best of luck in your journey!
~Write
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Hello to all of you wonderful folks who responded to my question. I have been checking on this thread and kept letting it run on because I didn't really want to interrupt the momentum or get it off track with a response. You have all given me some great suggestions and I have decided that I am going to therapy. I am continuing to post in the my story section, although I think that will be a long process. This may sound crazy but it almost feels safer to post it here, than having it on paper laying around someplace. I think that I need to start doing some affirmation work again-that is something that I have let slide, I need to start taking better care of myself again as far as diet, exercise, getting some sunshine, doing some fun things now and then, Hermes posted on part of the board a post about rewriting the tapes in our brain and I may work on this along with the affirmations. I am going to ponder a total no contact. It is hard though. I have kept a LOT of distance, but no contact is a whole new ballgame. I think though, that my single and best step so far has been simply finding this board. Right now I am sitting in a clean apartment, my clothes are clean and I am clean. That may not sound like such a big deal, but believe me, IT IS!!! I had gotten to the point where simply the thought of a bath was a bit overwhelming and that was with antidepressants on board. Again, thanks to all of you for the warm welcome, the love, (((HUGS))) concern, interaction and simply sharing your story.
E
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I read your story earlier today, emptied..... so sorry you didn't have the family you deserved.
Glad you're feeling better and savoring the little things..... like being clean and making a self care plan for healing and growth.
Again..... welcome ((emptied))
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((((((((( Emptied ))))))))))
for taking such wonderful steps already
every encouragement to you.
Love, Leah