Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gabben on January 15, 2008, 08:39:30 PM
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A woman came to see my place last night. She was "too" warm and friendly from the moment that she walked through the door. She actually gave me a hug when she met me and then when she left. I thought to myself "that is nice" -- so much better than my hostile roommate Jess, who as of late, has been away. The house has such a wonderfully calm and soothing presence to it without Jess's energy. She really frightens me. However, Jess was "really nice" when she first came to see the place too. Since then I have learned not to not trust people who are too much of one thing, like overly friendly.
In regards to Jess, it is amazing to be on the other side of repressed anger, or out of denial of my anger. I can see others, like jess, who are carring rage and old hurt yet are not aware of it. They have no idea, like myself, how they affect others and how they come off to others. Jess is a good example of this. She seemed so sweet and shy when she first moved in but after about a month the stomping and bullying started.
I told my new spiritual director about her this weekend, I was trying to paint a really accurate honest picture of the situation without telling him anything about her, I wanted to see how he would identify her behavior. He confirmed that she is a bully. Jess has a built in nature to intimidate, perhaps it is all she has ever known as far has a way to get what she wants...
Anyway, this nice woman, who came to look at the place last night, was "too" nice. I have my eyes open now. People wearing masks of kindness seem to be my downfall.
She did not ask me a single question about myself and she seemed more interested in the house than in me. She went on and on about how wonderful the place was. When she asked me if she could move in, reaching for her check book, I was shocked, she was so pushy I thought. I was feeling like a ready made push over.
It made me wonder if manipulators will use this ploy to get what they want, perhaps they feel that if they can just push through people to get what they want?
Anyway, after she left I realized that I need to get really clear about who I want to live with me. Make a list of qualities and pray for a warm and level headed person.
Thanks for listening...
Lise
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hi gabben,
I think I remember you said you have a 4 br apartment. You have a br and the rest of the house and Internet setup--out there or in your br?
Do your roomates get Internet in their rooms? Do they share/sit around in your living room? and do you all have different times to eat so that there are no collisions in the kitchen?
Are they to stay in their own rooms, other than eating? How about laundry? and parking?
I am curious as I was about to rent 2/3 bedrooms about 6 years ago and tried to picture what it would be like. I didn't though as I pictured 2 against one re all this sharing and have not been in this position sice the '50s
Thanks
Izzy
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Trust Yourself. Lise. Inside us are the answers,if we listen. Love Ami
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Lise,
Wow, what a difficult process you have to go through. Yikes, you are very strong and great at listening to your inner voice.
Keep it up until it feel right for you.
Wow the *hug* and checkbook were over the top.
Sending positive thoughts that you find a peaceful and safe roommate. seasons
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Lise,
If you feel icky (and I felt icky reading your description), I would definitely let her go her merry way. I think finding a roommate will be like dating. If you can take a bit of time to decide, see as many people as you can before you make a decision. And don't feel bad to say, let me think about it, since we will be sharing an intimate space. Good luck and I hope a great person comes your way soon.
Love, Beth
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Lise,
Just a thought from a different perspective, view.
Maybe, just maybe, she was genuinely nice and giving a hug is simply 'norm' to her.
It is just possible that she was simply overjoyed to find a really nice place to live.
And so therefore, it seems reasonable that in her joyous state, she keen to secure the place to enjoy living in
which would be why , maybe, she grabbed her chequebook ~ offering to accept the transaction, of what she saw as a nice place to live in.
Just a thought that came to me, please choose to compost, or not. :)
Leah
PS > Thinking in light of the 'shy' nice roommate / tenant that did not work out!
PPS >> Probation Period (on trial) of 3 Months would seem fair and reasonable in a tenancy agreement contract? Maybe? Bearing in mind that you all live in an 'Open House' environment ??
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Lise.... do you check references on your roomates before you accept them?
You can check out things like whether they pay on time, are neat, care for the property and if they have episodes.... cops out all the time, things of that nature.
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Do bullies think they can get their way by being nice? Yes. I had an ebay experience once - I read the auction 3 or 4 times to be sure the shipping was really what it stated - $9. It was a great deal, or so I thought. Then, after I won the auction, I got an email from the seller saying would I kindly pay $20 for shipping? I calmly explained that no I would not since the only reason I bid on the item in the first place was because I thought it was a good deal and that the stated shipping price was part of my decision - then, being reasonable (or so I thought) I said I'd meet him halfway and give him an additional $5, or $14 total which was the actual cost to ship the item to me. The guy flipped out and couldn't believe I didn't cave, his reason cited? Because he'd been "nice" (I got the feeling this was difficult for him, too).
Never occurred to him that he should pay for his mistake. It also never occured to him that being nice didn't mean he was right! lol
Thanks for the above bean -- that story helped me.
It seems that when someone is extra nice and super friendly it is as if they seem to expect that others should just bend over .... as if extra niceness can buy anything... Perhaps I could go to tiffany's and ask extra nicely for a diamond ring, for free?
Or,
Maybe if I am extra nice I can get the government to forget about any taxes I may owe... :P
Forgive me for the sarcasm, I'm just having fun.
Thanks Bean!!
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hi gabben,
I think I remember you said you have a 4 br apartment. You have a br and the rest of the house and Internet setup--out there or in your br?
Do your roomates get Internet in their rooms? Do they share/sit around in your living room? and do you all have different times to eat so that there are no collisions in the kitchen?
Are they to stay in their own rooms, other than eating? How about laundry? and parking?
I am curious as I was about to rent 2/3 bedrooms about 6 years ago and tried to picture what it would be like. I didn't though as I pictured 2 against one re all this sharing and have not been in this position sice the '50s
Thanks
Izzy
Hi Izzy,
Thank you for your questions.
Yes, the roommates have DSL/internet access in their rooms -- there is a comcast wireless remote.
Roommates get full use of the house and can make it their home, they invite their friends over from time to time. Sometimes we eat together but only if we meet up in the kitchen, which is very large -- no need to worry 3 or 4 of us could fit in the kitchen at once, we would be jostling a bit but it could work.
There are three floors in the apartment. The bedrooms are all on the second floor along with an additional TV/family room -- it is spacious and cozy. I want people to feel comfortable. I live in a very big city where apartment/roommate living is is the norm because no one can hardly afford to live alone anyway. Most room-mates, myself included, tend to keep to ourselves and live out lives separate, however, I lived with a couple of girls over the years with whom I became good friends.
There is a large private laundry room on the second level that we all share and so far I have never had to create a schedule :D
Hope that answers your questions and helps.
Lise
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Beth and Seasons,
Thank you for your support and for taking the time to read and write some wonderfully helpful comments. It was good to hear from you as usual :D
Lise
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Lise,
Maybe, just maybe, she was genuinely nice and giving a hug is simply 'norm' to her.
It is just possible that she was simply overjoyed to find a really nice place to live.
And so therefore, it seems reasonable that in her joyous state, she keen to secure the place to enjoy living in
which would be why , maybe, she grabbed her chequebook ~ offering to accept the transaction, of what she saw as a nice place to live in.
Just a thought that came to me, please choose to compost, or not. :)
Leah
PS > Thinking in light of the 'shy' nice roommate / tenant that did not work out!
PPS >> Probation Period (on trial) of 3 Months would seem fair and reasonable in a tenancy agreement contract? Maybe? Bearing in mind that you all live in an 'Open House' environment ??
Hi Leah,
There is some truth to what you say above. When I read it I did flash on how excited and happy she was to find such a nice place. I also have no idea what the housing market looks like from a subtenant's view so she may very well, as you said, be just coming from her "norm" and her excitement.
That was my first impression also which led me to confusion. But after she left my gut told me another story, I was able to pickup and reflect on her subtle behavior clues, clues that I have learned deeper since my encounter with N saint and then my awakening to the reality of my N mom.
Thanks for your post ((Leah)) I appreciate your perspective.
Lise
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Gabban,
I am learning about trusting your gut but also being aware of our own projections. I think it is difficult to seperate out the two. I do think a probation period is a good idea. What has worked for you in the past with choosing room mates? I also think we sometimes we get it right and sometimes we get it wrong, maybe that is life!
axa
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Lise.... do you check references on your roomates before you accept them?
You can check out things like whether they pay on time, are neat, care for the property and if they have episodes.... cops out all the time, things of that nature.
Hi Lighter,
Nice to hear from you - how are you?
Your question raises a very good point. I am pretty relax about background checks and credit reports. This advice would be wise to take.
I had one roommate who suffered from paranoid personality disorder. She is a really nice person and was actually very financially stable quiet and clean. However she has paranoid episode's where she does not trust us and thinks we are all out to get her. Little things can trigger her.
If I had done a background check on her I would have found out that she was living in motels when she moved in and had been kicked out of most of her old places to live.
Thanks,
Lise
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hi gabben
Thanks for letting me know
That sounds very comfy and roomy with THREE floors, and very workable.
Sometimes I get a picture in my mind and that is it. I saw everything on one floor!!!!!-as I had and knew it wouldn't work for me!
Cheers
Izzy
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I think you might want to get a little more anal about those background checks, Lise.
The one time my neighbor skipped checking references, he collected the deposit then not another dime from what became a regular crime wave in our neigborhood, until they left in the middle fo the night after breaking into all our cars, about 6 months down the road.
Another friend advertised for a roomate and ended up with a patient at a local hospital. His wife said he was a Doctor there then refused to take calls after the guy began stealing neighbors porch furniture, tore the kitchen apart, ripped the shower curtain down then was found naked in my friend's bed, having chewed the phone cord in two :shock:
He was violent but the police could do nothing bc he hadn't actually hurt my friend.
Talk about a hard spot to be in.
Finally.... the poor guy's parents came and collected him.
Due diligence is called for when inviting people into your private space, IMO.
Good luck with that, Lise.
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Hey Izzy
When can you move in?!?
:P
Lise
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I think you might want to get a little more anal about those background checks, Lise.
The one time my neighbor skipped checking references, he collected the deposit then not another dime from what became a regular crime wave in our neighborhood, until they left in the middle fo the night after breaking into all our cars, about 6 months down the road.
Another friend advertised for a roomate and ended up with a patient at a local hospital. His wife said he was a Doctor there then refused to take calls after the guy began stealing neighbors porch furniture, tore the kitchen apart, ripped the shower curtain down then was found naked in my friend's bed, having chewed the phone cord in two :shock:
He was violent but the police could do nothing bc he hadn't actually hurt my friend.
Talk about a hard spot to be in.
Finally.... the poor guy's parents came and collected him.
Due diligence is called for when inviting people into your private space, IMO.
Good luck with that, Lise.
Hi Lighter,
Ok, if your tactic is to frighten me into a little less laziness and a little more proactive diligence with those stories, it worked :)
I was thinking about that this week.
L
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Hey Gabben
Will today be all right?
-------Oh I don't know where I'm goin'
Don't know which road to take
Don't know who's there to meet me
But am leavin' mis'ry in my wake.
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/musicNotes.gif)
I hear the city's friendly
And there's lots of single men
But they keep gabbin' and a-gabbin'
I can't go thru' that again.
© Izzy 2008
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Hi Izzy,
That is just too clever!!!! Did you write that?
Sure you can move in today.. I have no elevator and three long flights of stairs and that is just to get into the appartment but we can work something out, right?
Lise
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Hey Lise
Yes I wrote that
and about 200 songs
That is one hell of a mountain to climb!
Think I'll stay in my cabin in the valley
Where I can live and be on my own
I can talk to the chipmunks and the bunnies
Where never an N should chance to roam
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/musicNotes.gif)
'Cuz once I freed m'self from N-ism
It seemed I was better off alone
Surrounded by the trees and the flowers
In my little cabin that I call my home.
©Izzy 2008
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Hey Lise
Yes I wrote that
and about 200 songs
That is one hell of a mountain to climb!
Think I'll stay in my cabin in the valley
Where I can live and be on my own
I can talk to the chipmunks and the bunnies
Where never an N should chance to roam
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/musicNotes.gif)
'Cuz once I freed m'self from N-ism
It seemed I was better off alone
Surrounded by the trees and the flowers
In my little cabin that I call my home.
©Izzy 2008
Oh, how I understand that one too!
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Lise..... you don't have only you to worry about..... you're responsible for your other roomates wellbeing too.
I can't imagine judging perspective roomies by your gut.
A background check's worth a thousand warm fuzzies: /
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Lise..... you don't have only you to worry about..... you're responsible for your other roomates wellbeing too.
I can't imagine judging perspective roomers by your gut.
A background check's worth a thousand warm fuzzies: /
Yes, I am fully aware that I am responsible for my other roomers. However, my other roomers are also responsible adults who rather like be responsible for themselves and can handle looking out their own interests too. I am too considerate and fair that is partially why the landlord selected me as the master tenant the other reason is because I am very responsible.
People who are honest and average project and imagine that others are honest and average. Therefore, they tend to be trustworthy and see others as trustworthy. Also, they rely on their gut instincts more.
People that are deceptive are going to be less trustworthy and are going to have a hard time seeing others for who they genuinely are and for trusting them because they will be projecting their self-hidden deceitful bad behavior onto others.
Thanks for trying to help.
Lise
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GOOD point,Lise! Ami
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We have leases here..... not master tenants selected by the landlord.
Why isn't the landlord selecting his renters.... if you don't have a lease?
::trying to picture a responsible roomate's faces when she comes home from work to find an unbalanced naked phone cord chewing newbie in her bed:: :shock:
That's a true story btw...... not made up to frighten you. Lord knows what my friend would have done.......
had the parents of the man not been willing to take the man back. The wife just stopped answering the phone.
Anyone can answer an add, is all I'm saying.
If you can save yourself some time and trouble...... why not do due diligence?
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We have leases here..... not master tenants selected by the landlord.
Why isn't the landlord selecting his renters.... if you don't have a lease?
In my city we have "master tenants" and my landlord did select me to be his "master tenant or lease holder" after the last master tenant moved out and he had 3 girls to choose from to takeover the lease and become master tenant. My subtenant's are selected by me not the official landlord because he does not have to live with them 24/7.
Hope that helps to clarify.
Thanks again.
Lise
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Dear Lise,
I am sure that his choosing of you was for your superior intelligence and acumen, certainly. Ami
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Anyone can answer an add, is all I'm saying.
If you can save yourself some time and trouble...... why not do due diligence?
Hmmm...yes and anyone can post here under many different names but we do not have the luxory of due diligence here, we just have to trust and go by our gut intincts.
Thanks for you input.
Lise
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We have Doctor G handling due diligence on the board.
Where did that come from?
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Hi Lighter,
Just expressing my thoughts and my voice....
Peace,
Lise
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If you signed a lease.... then it's your apartment and of course you're going to be the one to choose your tenants....not your landlord.
\
Good luck with your search.
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If you signed a lease.... then it's your apartment and of course you're going to be the one to choose your tenants....not your landlord.
\
Good luck with your search.
Thanks Lighter!!!
I'm heading out of here for the evening - hope you are well and I appreciate your time and energy here towards steering me in the right direction.
Night,
Lise
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One final note..... about that friend who finally managed to get his disastrouse roomie picked up by the guy's parents.
He ran another advertisement for another roomate, brave soul that he was.
He told us about a response from "a very nice man."
Who said he liked to hang out
naked.....
in the apartment....
.::shaking head::
NOT in his room.
He said he was "a very fun party favor," if my friend liked to entertain, lol.
My friend didn't understand why we laughed when he informed us he was seriously considering this "very nice man" as a roomie.
As entertaining as the stories would have been..... we steered him away from that particular choice, lol.
I don't think my friend should rely on his radar for roomate selection.... I don't think anyone should, frankly.
The smart con artists know what we want to hear.
The less intelligent ones depend on kindness and good natures.