Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on January 15, 2008, 11:07:17 PM
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I have been blessed with many good things in life. Now, I am getting relationship blessings. I have people who love me. My hardest thing right now is to make peace with myself--- the real me --inside--- the one that my M said was "bad".
I was talking to two friends, today. I was telling them that many people in mental instititions see themselves as "bad".They are overly guilty about "normal " things.
I can see how you could "lose it" by thinking you are "bad'.I ,almost ,did.
I guess I keep writing about the same thing using different words. I hope that one of these times, it will heal.
What I am seeing is that you cannot give other people power over your "shame "button. If you do, you will be their puppet.
It is not their fault,but yours.
My goal now is to be the master of this "shame " button. Then,I don't have to worry(overly) if it gets pushed. If s/one pushes it, I can refuse to "answer the door"(lol). Sorry for a repitition of the same subject. One of these days, it will heal.(lol) Ami
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What I am seeing is that you cannot give other people power over your "shame "button. If you do, you will be their puppet.
It is not their fault,but yours.
(((Ami)))
This is such a painful part of getting through the pain, past and all that we carry. Be there puppet reminds me of my N's when I was younger, they new how to push those shame buttons.
Are you saying as an adult it is our fault if we choose to be put to shame, different time and place than childhood? Hope you don't mind me asking.
love and support to you, seasons
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What I am seeing is that you cannot give other people power over your "shame "button. If you do, you will be their puppet.
It is not their fault,but yours.
(((Ami)))
This is such a painful part of getting through the pain, past and all that we carry. Be there puppet reminds me of my N's when I was younger, they new how to push those shame buttons.
Are you saying as an adult it is our fault if we choose to be put to shame, different time and place than childhood? Hope you don't mind me asking.
love and support to you, seasons
Dear Seasons,
That is a great question. It is not 'fault" in the sense that we could do much about where we were.When I see how close to the edge I was, I see that I( and other people) could not help it(emotional and mental problems).
We could not help all the times that we gave ourselves away(IMO). We could not help letting other people control our "shame buttons.
However, for me, as I heal, I am seeing that now, I can take back the things that I lost. You can only take them back as you heal and grow. You can't rush it(IMO). Many people 'push" you by saying,"Leave the past behind---already!". I don't think that you can ,just with sheer will. It is a process of facing the truth. Little by little, you can change,but it can't be rushed or it will be like a meal taken out of the over too soon-----not good.
I have lived the pain of being stuck. How long did I stay stuck and will I stay stuck? As long as I need to.
Don't let anyone shame you in to going faster than you can. I am so glad that you are here. You seem very "real" to me, Seasons. With all this troll business, it feels nice to feel that s/one is a "real" person. Love Ami
(((((((((Seasons))))))))))))))))))
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I am always trying to "climb the next mountain" and THEN I will be O.K. and can love myself. I look at Bill Clinton((no political message) and he seems like he always needs strokes and approval. He got as high as you can go and it was not enough.In fact ,it seemed like a tease. the higher he went, the more insecure he seemed and the more adulation he seemed to need(IMO)
I am the jailer and the warden. I am in jail now( self hatred0 and I am the warden who can give the pardon( self acceptance).
Last night, I had a revelation which was life "shattering"(in a good way). I saw that I made the decision to sacrifice my life to make my mother feel good about hers. I felt so sorry for her. She was so pitiful to me that I decided that if it took my whole life, I would give my reality, body,mind and emotions so she would not have to face herself.I "knew" that she could not face herself
I think that I loved her so much that I sacrificed myself like someone would do in a plane crash to pull out survivors.,,I saw (with my heart) that I had made this decision and I was willing to even die if I could have helped her not to face that she was not "right".
That is what happened to me.
It is hard to put in to words the 'enormity" of seeing this. It sounds"silly",maybe, but it was a basic,foundational choice that out my life on a crash course.
Eight months ago, I started healing from this decision. Now,I see how I got sick. I was throwing myself over her burning body. Now, I see that no matter how many sick qualities I tried to 'take" from her--- they could NEVER be taken. It was a trick. I took all of them and then they
magically" reappear in her - again.
It was a "fake mirrors" trick. I was dying b/c I took on hatred, fears,guilt, shame, merciless self degradation etc to help her not to face herself. Then, as I was dying, she still had them all.
Love Ami
Last night, I had a revelation which was life "shattering"(in a good way). I saw that I made the decision to sacrifice my life to make my mother feel good about hers. I felt so sorry for her. She was so pitiful to me that I decided that if it took my whole life, I would give my reality, body,mind and emotions so she would not have to face herself.I "knew" that she could not face herself
I think that I loved her so much that I sacrificed myself like someone would do in a plane crash to pull out survivors.,,I saw (with my heart) that I had made this decision and I was willing to even die if I could have helped her not to face that she was not "right".
Dear Ami, The button is on the inside.
That was the very realization that I had regarding my own NM.
The realization that I had surrendered myself to her, completely ~ body, mind, soul.
I had had no life, no life at all ~ I had surrendered it all to my NM. In effect, I had sacrificed mySelf, my being, as a person.
After sometime, not only did I reach the stage in my lfe of truly forgiving my NM ~ I also, forgave mySelf. Hence, no more shame and guilt.
Then and only then, was I really able to begin my work on inner healing and restoration, restoration in finding my authentic real self.
Hope my sharing this is of some help, as I felt led to share with you.
Love, Leah
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Leah
That was SO beautiful that you would go to all that time and effort to help me. Thank you, Leah. Those words were so helpful to me and given with such a loving heart,Leah! Love Ami
(((((((((Leah))))))))))))
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Thank you Ami for helping me understand. You are very helpful in my journey to heal also. Your honesty and questions get me thinking, using my heart and mind in more meaningful ways. While you work on your layers, I find many questions I need to answer myself. For that I am so thankful, as I am not as brave as you. ((seasons))
Ditto Ami.
Leah so beautiful. seasons
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Thank you Ami for helping me understand. You are very helpful in my journey to heal also. Your honesty and questions get me thinking, using my heart and mind in more meaningful ways. While you work on your layers, I find many questions I need to answer myself. For that I am so thankful, as I am not as brave as you. ((seasons))
Ditto Ami.
Leah so beautiful. seasons
Dear Seasons,
That was so sweet. I think that you will keep me going a little longer(lol)! Love Ami
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As`I have a place to keep sharing these feelings of shame, I have small moments of healing.I sent a friend a pix of me. It was me looking a little "harder" than I usually look. The person commented on that. I said that I NEED to develop that toughness. Then, I can take it out when I need it.Sometimes ,you need to be able to fight.
I realized that I do like many of my qualities. I really am seeing that I am ok. I just took on reams and reams of garbage. They became 'me" at some point.
I think that whenever you are one dimensional ,it is bad---ALL nice, or all tough. You have to have a combination in order to be emotionally healthy.Little by little, I am awakening to the "truth."
I am seeing it from the inside. S/one can show me how they did it,but *I* have to feel it out. I can see life as it IS,not as my M told me it was, not as it is from an N's perspective.
I can "feel"it from the inside. Thank you Leah and Seasons for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Your love came across the internet ,in to my heart. Love Ami
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Thank you ,Leah! Love, Ami
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Ami,
Keep practicing or as CB suggested to emptied pretending. I believe the picture of the real Ami is emerging a pixel at a time and that one day, the task of getting clarity of your true "I" won't be a mystery.
tt
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Thanks TT,
You are SUCH an encourager---always! Love Ami
(((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))
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After all these "shame" posts, I am ,finally, starting to get some peace. I talked to my Aunt ,today. She is not "perfect". I see that if I had her for a M, I would not have suffered the way that I did,but I would not have found God, either. She would have rejected me for my belief in God.
I see that she is very narrow in what she "allows'. My M is so big headed that her brains could fall out, BUT that allowed me to go in a different direction than my family.
I can see that my Aunt does not hurt that much. My journey to God was inspired by pain-a lot of it. My Aunt could never know the pain that I had. She, also, could not find God the way I did,I don't think.
So, all in all, I am making peace with my past. It brought me to my relationship with God, which is the most precious thing you can "have" in life.
Now, what I really want to do is put my house(insides) in order and forget about myself. I want to feel close to people, to give and recieve love. I want to forget about the angst,put it in it's place and go forward in peace , being a vessel of love,as much as I can. Ami
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Amen! (((((( Ami ))))))
Every encouragement to you, and for you.
May the Lord God continue to guide and bless you.
Love, Leah
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You know ,Leah, one of these days,I want to be DONE with the angst(lol) . Love Ami
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I want to feel close to people, to give and recieve love. I want to forget about the angst,put it in it's place and go forward in peace , being a vessel of love,as much as I can.
Dear Ami,
That is an awesome goal... and one which I share with you!
A note of caution, okay? Them thar's fightin words to the old accuser. No sooner do I make a bold statement such as you've made above than my resolve is tested at every possible juncture. So the thing still is, as always, not to keep our eyes on people, but only on the Lord... imo...
((((((Ami)))))) You will withstand the attacks which are sure to come (it's not if we are tryed and tested, but when) with that full armor firmly in place.
Love to you,
Carolyn
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You are scaring me Carolyn(lol) . Just kidding---you have a very good point and thank you for it. Love Ami
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You're welcome, Ami : ) I knew you'd realize that I wasn't tryin to be scary... just that it's so much easier to be prepared for what's sure to come along. It never fails that the moment I resolve to make a positive change, especially in a spiritual matter (and as far as I'm concerned, all these things are spiritual matters), a kazillion different challenges present themselves - hurdles, pits, fiery darts, ICBM's of the spirit world... lol (I am only exaggerating a little) :)
Love,
Carolyn
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What I am seeing is that you cannot give other people power over your "shame "button. If you do, you will be their puppet.
It is not their fault,but yours.
My goal now is to be the master of this "shame " button. Then,I don't have to worry(overly) if it gets pushed. If s/one pushes it, I can refuse to "answer the door"(lol). Sorry for a repitition of the same subject. One of these days, it will heal.(lol) Ami
I love reading your posts of late because they are full of little wisdoms like the ones above.
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Thank you,Lise. God has been so good to me. He has allowed me to heal and I am so grateful. Today, I ate food like a normal person---without stomach aches. I really am amazed how God loves us and how "undeserving" we are -----what little jerks we are(lol)----speaking for myself ,only,LOL . Ami
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((( Carolyn ))) and ((( Ami )))
Tis' true, the day I don't go round clanging with my full armor on
.... is the day my heels get snapped at! :)
Romans 8:28 has been and is, my bedrock
Love & blessings to you both,
Leah
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Thank you,Lise. God has been so good to me. He has allowed me to heal and I am so grateful. Today, I ate food like a normal person---without stomach aches. I really am amazed how God loves us and how "undeserving" we are -----what little jerks we are(lol)----speaking for myself ,only,LOL . Ami
The above is so true! God loves us no matter what! It is we that destroy ourselves and reject his love.
I have been in a similar space lately counting my many, too many, blessings...God is good and He understands that man is fallen in his nature...He grieves for us and only wants to see us happy.
There is a saying in AA: God insists that we enjoy life!"
Lise (((AMI)))
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I want to go in to a new phase ,Lise. I see that my M was all about doing "Satan's" bidding---not God's. She didn't know it,of course.When I hate myself, I am doing Satans bidding------bleh.
Thanks for your encouragement,Lise. Love Ami
((((((((((Lise))))))))))))
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Little by little, I make inroads in to healing shame. Yesterday, I talked to my Aunt for a long time. I see that she is not perfect. She has worries and has fears. She is "stable" and accepts herself,but she is not "perfect". She never asked to be made perfect. I did it.
I see that she has herself 'in order, though. She has her self" functioning so that she can go forward in life without recycling "garbage", on the hamster wheel, all the time, as I have been doing.
I want to get to the point where my insides are in order and I can go out in to the world--living in the present----not replaying past dramas all the time------bleh.
My Aunt does that, I think.
As far as shame, I feel more like I am "human",now. My dog does not have to be house trained perfectly, as a small example(lol)(She is a Yorkie---- notorious for hard housebreaking. )
I feel like I can express my emotions and thoughts more .Maybe I can own this small square of real estate---me. Maybe,I can be just OK . Ami