Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on January 16, 2008, 03:23:01 PM
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Hi all,
Mom had a stroke 3 nights ago sitting in the LR with my brother. She's lost the use of her right arm, maybe leg too, and he's still here. Meanwhile he ordered me to put his name on her accounts. I said No. And I said, don't bully me, those days are over. Since then, he's been nice. No idea how long he's staying, but perhaps once she's settled in a rehab facility he'll take off.
Long story shorter, I've got a pretty full plate right now so won't post much or if I do, it might not make much sense.
I'd like to wander in and out of a few threads anyway, just may not be able to keep up with things in a focused way. Asking your tolerance in advance if I say something witless.
love,
Hops
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God bless you, (((Hops.)))
You do have a full plate, remember to take care of you.
Don't let your guard down around your brother. Just bc he seems to have backed off, doesn't mean he has. He may just be regrouping..... being blindsided won't help you feel any better.
How much rehab does it look like your mother is in for?
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No clue on her prognosis, length of survival, extent of damage...
Will keep you posted.
xxoo,
Hops
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(((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))
Take care of YOU too.
My sympathies re the stroke---- let us know how Mom has responded (or not)?
Love
Izzy
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Dear ((((( Hops )))))
Sincerely sorry to hear about your Mom.
Do try to take care of you.
If he is neither use nor ornament,
then he may as well go home.
Love to you,
Leah
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(((((((Hops)))))))
Take care.
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sorry to hear that, I know it is especially hard for compassionate people to see suffering.
I would certainly give brother the opportunity to participate fully in your mother's care- at which point he will probably disappear.
Tell him that whilst you don't require his administrative assistance there will be plenty of care tasks he can help with.
If he is neither use nor ornament,
then he may as well go home.
exactly.
Take good care of yourself
Love
~W
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Dear Hops,
I presume your Mom is being taken care of by professional carers at the moment. YOU NEED TO REST AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You have had years of caring, please, please take this opportunity to rest. As for your brother, well I would vote for NC unless he has something useful and practical to say. Where has he been for the past years when you could have done with some real support........ toughen up those boundaries sweetie.
xxxxxxxxxxx and massive hugs,
axa
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(((((((Hops)))))))) Thank you for giving us the news. Is she hospitalized? I do hope you're able to get some sleep at night and allow yourself to rest at other times, too. You are in my prayers, sweetheart.
Love,
Carolyn
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Oh Hops...I'm so sorry about your mom. This is hard.
Please know that I am thinking of you. I feel rather witless myself, and I don't have NEAR your excuse. Sleep deprivation, worry, and plain ol' aggravation is more than enough to induce witlessness.
Love Leah's pithy little statement. I'm trying to think of where to mount it where it will do the most good.
Or maybe make it a lead sentence in a dark novel:
He, being neither use nor ornament,
decided he may as well go home.
Love
CB
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Thanks, guys...yes CH, she's in the hospital. Lovely community hosp. where she receives excellent care. It's afterward, when she's stuck for a looooooooooooong time in a rehab facility for PT, and it all sinks in, that I worry most for her. Her tests looked good, no big brain damage, so hopefully she will regain a lot. But...she's 97. As her doc said, "She's not going to like this."
As to bro, he's been cooking and doing some helpful things. Tomorrow he leaves for a few days' business, and ever since the blowup, he's been very cooperative.
I still don't enjoy his presence and loathe hiding stuff and parking files at a friend's.
But there it is.
thank you for the loving support and sweet messages of comfort and perspective.
I really am going to focus on my health and wellbeing.
(Got a medical result today that I have osteopenia...the precursor to osteoporosis. So it's high time I got serious about exercise again. I hope it's reversible, haven't had time to do my Googling...)
love,
Hops
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Sorry to hear that, (((Hops.)))
Better to catch it before it's at the next stage.
I hope weight bearing excercises and leafy greens are enough to turn it into success.
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Dear Hops,
Thanks for the further update. Focusing on the fact that she's getting excellent care is the best place to be, I guess...
oh, I have really slid into pragmatic mode today and so I will stop. ((((((((Hops)))))))) I only trust that it is all absolutely for the best.
Oh, and Paul Harvey says Citrical (sp?) is good stuff...
Love to you,
Carolyn
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((((Hops))))
Just want to let you know I'm glad that you're mom is getting good care, and will be thinking about you.
Cat
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Oh (((((((((Hops)))))))). So sorry to hear of your mom's stroke. I will keep you and your family in my thougths and prayers. Glad she's getting good care.
Very proud of you for standing your ground with your brother too! Good for you! Let him be as "helpful" as can be. So he should be! For a change!
Take care of you Hops.
Sela
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Thanks much Cat, Sela, and all...
She's being moved to the nursing home today so I'll go tuck her in after work. The doc said she's not discouraged yet. But when the reality hits (I can't walk, etc.) it will be very hard. Who knows though, she is a very stubborn woman from strong Okie stock!
My brother has departed, Allelu.
He will be back Mon. or Weds., misere me.
I'm feeling dispirited about posting much, but on the other hand, I'm feeling a sense of awakening in 2-D land. I know it's the freedom. Transient or now, it feels like I'm stretching.
Still, I do hate to see her sadness.
Stokes are brutal. I'd rather be hit by a train.
love to all,
Hops
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Hops so sorry to hear of your moms stroke.
I'm happy she is getting good care. Hope each day will be a bit better.
Take care of you too. Much love for you both. (seasons)
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Thank you, Seasons.
I tucked her in tonight, and she's not distraught.
A bit confused and weak, but not agitated.
Meanwhile, my brother sicced a lawyer on me...got a letter.
He wants to take over my mother's finances...all of a sudden....
Where was he the last 15 years?
I'm disgusted and appalled but rallying my own troops.
Got good legal advice. Know what to do.
When it's over I don't think I ever want to see my brother again.
He is not welcome in my life.
Hops
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Hops,
I imagine that any court/authority will also wonder where he was for the past 15 years... the old crumb-bum.
Love,
Carolyn
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Hops,
I can relate to what you said about your mom happily moving about the bookstore just the other day.
Since your brother is gone, and no longer cooking, I can assume you have released yon tasters from duty?
Cat
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Mom's stable, peaceful and it will be a good long while before there are any medical updates to offer. The body's very slow about stroke. I will visit her every evening and keep her spirits up as best I can.
But I need to talk about my brother. Here's the deal:
In the last year I made several mistakes in her finances. Had a cluster of bounced checks. (Three.) I fixed it, set up an overdraft protection account for her, deposited some of my money to her account, but the truth is, I didn't handle it quickly and haven't tracked it well this year. This was the first year of my new job and I was just WEARY. What tipped us over was an expensive landscape/foundation job on the house, plus me hiring the 2nd caregiver for her late in the day.
What happened to bring down my brother upon my head was that my mother got hold of an overdraft notice and called him, and rather than call me to ask if I'd sorted it out, he went behind my back, made a deposit, and then came here to threaten me and demand that I give him access to her accounts.
I do not trust him. Errors or not, I have done an honorable job, and I am not incapable. Once I realized that he'd made a deposit to her account (I had to go to the bank manager) I paid him half of it immediately and arranged for a loan to pay him the rest next week. I have managed her affairs for nine years now, surely I am allowed one episode of inattention?
At any rate, while cooking and shoveling snow (after the day when he scarily --the old bully face--ordered me to go to the bank with him) ... he also managed to slip in a visit to a local high-powered attorney, who just wrote a letter "requesting a meeting to discuss the handling of her finances".
I have talked to a friend from church who advises me that this is a tempest in a teapot, and says I should go to the original lawyer Mom used for her will and ask him to review her accounts and respond with his own letter to my brother's lawyer. And, this friend advised me also to say not one word to my brother about it...not even mention it. Let him wonder.
Anyway, I feel guilty about my paperwork inattention but there was no disaster, no graft, no embezzling, just sloppiness. And I absolutely will not work with my brother or turn over one iota of control to him.
He was and remains a pathological liar and a bully. He was the nightmare of my childhood and I will never return to that bad dream.
But I'm upset and sad that he is dragging me into a battle just at a time when I need to be calm and concentrate on Mom and on maintaining her and my own health.
There it is,
Hops
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(((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))) I am so sorry for the pain of your situation. Love, Ami
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Thank you, Ami.
I will be reading your thread too...please update us.
With true concern,
Hops
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Dear (((((( Hops )))))))
He is not a brother, he is a bother, not worth bothering with, IMO.
However, you have been given superb advice, and especially, with the 'not mentioning' bit.
Thinking about yours/your mother's -- lawyer, and the letter he will be writing in support of you,
could he include the years of ongoing care and attention that you have provided, unconditionally, to your mother,
and presently doing, in your care and concern with visits to comfort her, right now.
All this, and more, while trying to remain independent, providing for yourself.
Thoughts of you, with care and support.
Love, Leah
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Dear ((((((((((Hops)))))))))))
I absolutely agree with Leah. You are standing on solid ground in this, having given all that was yours to give in the care of your mom, in the midst of very difficult circumstances. Your brother's blow-harding bluster can't shake you now. So glad you've gotten wise legal counsel!
I am all for leaving the bully to wonder!!
Love to you,
Carolyn
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Dear Hops,
Here's my blunt take:
1. Your brother hasn't changed. He's still a nasty bully. (I'm sure you're aware of that but I just want to state it loud and clear in case you have even the slightest doubt).
2. For the past 15 years he hasn't cared for your mother or her money and he still doesn't care for her.
3. He is, however, I bet my left foot, very interested in her money. (He sees the $ sign at the end of the tunnel getting closer and closer and figgers he can bully you into giving HIM control.) I'm so glad you aren't allowing him to be in charge. Good for you!! Keep going Hops!!
You are doing a good job standing your ground. Do get to that lawyer and continue your brave and firm stance. Do take care of you....your emotional stuff by continuing to post/vent/etc and take lots of nice hot baths.
I'm sure I'm projecting my own stuff here but nevertheless I want to wring his little slimey kneck. I also love the idea of not engaging with him at all about this and will keep praying for you and your mom (so glad she's not flipping out too.....whew! Good! Great!!).
(((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))
Wish I had more to offer but I'm useless. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this jerk but just keep doing what you're doing and reminding yourself that when this is over......you won't EVER have to do so again.
Sela
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Leah, thank you for "he is not a brother"...that will ease the NC later on. It's really true...
(I had a male friend once, someone I worked with, to whom I got very close...and when he moved away we went out for a burger and I burst into tears and told him I had felt that he was "the good brother" I never had...)
Carolyn, bluster is a very good word. It helps him shrink down to size in my mind.
Oh Sela. Thank you. He is a nasty bully. He is also pitiful, but in the way that a dangerous wounded animal is pitiful. You feel pity, but you know to keep a wall between you...
thanks, all. I am tackling the problems as fast as I can and I will not give up.
love,
Hops
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Hope, have you thought how much your mother had to do in the way your brother treated you? Was she enableing him? Did she not protect you?
I remember my brother telling me that he was a better son and my mom loved him more because I was a bad daughter. But that was not his fault. My mom brain washed him.
The worst, my brother has never done anything to damaged me, just the bragging about my moms, preference for him and that he was blind to the abuse.
But I was wondering, parents should be able to make their children to build good relationships. If they promote a bad relationship, is because they do not want the children to have a good relatioship.
I am very sorry your brother is the way he is. I would not put all the blame on him. The person who raised him had to have reinforced that behavior in some way.
I hope that you have somebody in 3D to help you. These things are difficult to deal alone. And at this point, the NC would be a good idea, I guess.
Hope I did not say anything that made you feel bad. If your brother does anything physical on you, you might be able to get a restraining order.
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I do see a connection between NMom and Nbrother...I don't know if it was conscious on her part, but as he was jealous that I came into the world (dethroning him at the first child), she seemed jealous of me. Partly because my father doted on me, I don't know. I felt she cared about me as a doll to turn out well dressed and well behaved to reinforce her anxious social climbing.
It wasn't conscious on her part. I don't think I'll blame her for him. Unless it's maybe a question of a gene she carried (her father was the one who abused his daughters, so she probably internalized that my sadness wasn't important)...
Hops
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hope that you consider a restraining order if he does anything physical, just braking something in a tempertamtrum would be enough. God will help you.
And I am praying that it is a good idea, if not, just disregard.
God bless.
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Absolutely, I will.
Mostly, I will ignore him and be too tired to chat.
But if he tried anything again, I'd not hesitate to get a restraining order.
I don't think he will, though. I think it's a big coward's bluff.
love
Hops
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((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Hops - I've just tuned into your posts re: your mother's finances and your brother. It occurred to me that you grew up in a "gotcha" atmosphere, as did I. The parties that be are just waiting for one error and "Gotcha!" Proof that you are (fill in the black) .
I suspect that there is a link to this attitude and the difficulty you have in tackling paper. I am convinced (ailing as I do from a similar malady) of the emotional/psychological link. I find it interesting and perhaps telling that your mother immediately contacted him when she discovered the returned check notice rather than bringing it up with you.
I grew up with 2 older brothers and lived in a "gotcha" atmosphere. I have discovered how powerfully that has taken over my being in recent months. EFT has helped me get to this connection.
I started to elaborate on my memories but find it simply too painful but life for me growing up in my family was living amongst booby traps. Each and every action was monitered and in some way (not yet clear to me) the trap for being correct or successful was more painful than the ones for mistakes. (There was NO distinction between mistakes and failure. It was a VERY black and white world.)
Take time to ride these unpleasant experiences with you brother back to your childhood memories. Find your way back to the beginning of your pain as receiver of Nism treatment. View this as an opportunity to get to the roots of the pain. It could turn out to be therapeutic.
Wishing you wholeness and peace. - GS
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Hops - I've just tuned into your posts re: your mother's finances and your brother. It occurred to me that you grew up in a "gotcha" atmosphere, as did I. The parties that be are just waiting for one error and "Gotcha!" Proof that you are (fill in the black) .
Oh my gosh, Gaining Strength
No one has ever validated that very real aspect of my NFOO or indeed my XNH
"Gotcha!" eggshells and gaslighting.
Rooted in their own self: assumptive disordered black and white, toxic, narrow visioned worldview thinking.
Leah
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What a tremendous insight, GS. Thank you so much.
It's entirely true. Especially the: Gotcha! This proves you are a ____ -- part.
I do see a silver lining. My standing up to him and refusing to be intimidated feels like a threshold (finally!) to real adulthood. Since he was the original tormentor, there is value for me in knowing that I'm conducting myself (mistakes and all) with courage and dignity. And I'm functioning. While he's been away the last 2 days I've caught up and filed all the paperwork and bills, and have a specific $$ plan in place to have everything in good order by the end of the week.
So ... if he wants to waste his money on lawyer trying to "unseat" me, let him. Friends who know this stuff have told me that since I've been taking care of her affairs for 9 years and POA for five, dropping the ball a couple times doesn't mean a thing. It wasn't graft, it was ... well, dropping the ball.
I've got a firm grip on the ball again and I do not intend to let it go. And that's the good part. It was a shock about treating the responsibilities of financial management and paperwork like an adult, not like an anxious child. In the long term, I may be grateful this happened.
I'm not working myself up with the thought of confrontation, but calmning myself to conduct encounters with him with dignity. I believe he will back off. Meanwhile, I have great support and advice and have:
1) Alerted Mom's doctor (he is writing in her record that she's not competent to make legal decisions or sign legal documents) -- on the remote chance my brother would try that behind my back
2) Alerted the nursing home director (he's going to tell the staff at their meeting that relations are strained and they're welcome to update my brother on her medical condition but not to speculate with him about anything related to long-term plans or finances).
3) Alerted her tax accountant and reminder her that she is not to discuss anything about my mother's finances with anyone but me, the POA
4) Alerted her minister (met her at Mom's bedside yesterday, walked out w/her to explain what was going on). She said, Oh, your brother was at our church last Sunday, introducing himself around and letting everyone know that your Mom was ill. I just said: I had already emailed the church parish nurse and the whole team... She got it. Gave me a hug. And said she'd mention the situtation to the parish nurse and other ministers.
5) Alerted her beloved daytime caregiver, who will be visiting Mom. I believe she finally gets the picture that she is not to openly share info about my mother with my brother, though she will be very nice to him if she sees him.
6) Alerted the bank manager, who's put a note on her account regarding my brother having no authority to access the accounts, even if he physically brought her in.
I think it's overkill, because I truly feel that he will back down. But if he does not, I have filled the moat with gators.
Thank you for listening, it has helped so much.
love,
Hops
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WTG Hops
You are well prepared, although I have never been through this!
Am finding it difficult to have anything about which to worry or complain!
Love
Izzy
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Gaining Strength, There's a brilliant flash of illumination in that Gotcha insight!! Thank you from me, too!
Hops,
I seriously doubt whether there is any such critter as "overkill" when it comes to managing npd. Box him in, pen him up, write him out, lock him down, and toss away the key!
Love,
Carolyn
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Gaining Strength: Been pondering some on the "Gotcha" aspect, and, :idea: realization of the preceding "Baiting"
Hops: Moat with gators! You are amazing! :)
Love to ((( ALL )))
Leah
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Amber...ninjas, Amazons, Mudpuppies w/chainsaws, all would be very very welcome.
Or maybe I should go adopt a Doberman.
they're quite nice, actually, if not trained to act ridiculous.
love
HOps
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Ha! Hops! Love the doberman idea! Wouldn't that would be marvelous? I wonder if you could rent one?
Actually, I know up here one can rent very scary guard dogs (for the wee sum of $600 per month which includes 6pm to 6 am, 7 nights per week, 2 dogs on duty). One of our neighbours had them and they were sooo cool. Great big motherofall German Shepherds who didn't make a sound or say a thing to anyone coming into the yard.
They just would not let anyone leave.
:mrgreen: :mrgreen:
They caught a couple of theiving bad guys one night and kept 'em cornered 'til their shift ended.
Well.....one can always dream eh?
Great job preparing Hops! Keep buckling up......strap down the loose ends.....man the guns!! Oh but I'd just love to hear of your brother getting his arse bit! (sorry......my pity level is on the low end today. I have very little for greedy bullies who play sick games and try to weasle from and cut to the chase those (like you) who have truly cared, put up with crap, done the best they could and have only good intentions in mind).
Doberman? Do they rent alligators, I wonder?
Sela
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I am sorry for not writing before Hops. I hope you are coping with your never ending story. I think I am starting to experience the stage in my life where I have to start caring for my parents. It is a slippery slope is it not? My love and prayers and support are with you. Kell
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Thanks Kell, TT, Sela...
y'all strengthen my spine.
More to do more to do...all around full workday and PM visits to Mom, but I believe it's going to be all right.
love
Hops
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has brother offered to do anything useful at all Hops?
What do you think he wants deep down- money?
Caring for someone long-term is so exhausting, hope you are getting some bubble baths and little walks and good dinner some days while your mum's away?
By the way that recipe you gave out for garlic tomato soup, I make that so often, it's fended off a few winters' coughs and colds I really believe!
Love
~Write
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Dear Hops,
Thank you for your very wise posts to me. I send you prayers and comforts as you try to navigate through a very difficult situation. I am so sorry, Hops. Love Ami
(((((((((Hops)))))))))))
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Thank you, Ami...I'm touched you reach out.
And thanks, Write...glad to hear you're fulla garlic.
My brother is making himself useful at the house when he's there...he does what he enjoys (cooking) and some small repairs (rewired a lamp, taught me how when I asked him).
I appreciate those things, but the confrontation with him was so primal for me that I don't "melt" in gratitude. I feel instead that he's pleasing himself and buffering his image. (On some level he might regret letting the mask fall when he ordered me to add him to the accounts.) But I can't worry myself trying to read his mind.
I noticed he began to tell me war stories, which he's never done. But it didn't feel spontaneous, like "I want to share this with my sister." It felt more like, "Oh, she's really sensitive, I'll tell her something like that and she'll feel sorry for me again."
I DO feel sorry for him, but I cannot trust him. I also recognize the lost boy inside him who probably is scared of his mother's death and wants to keep a sister in his life. But I have spent decades healing, and will not go back. I am not sure he can relate to me any other way.
Courteous Medium Chill is my motto until he's gone, and every time he reappears.
I am trying to eat well, connect with friends, and most importantly, take care of financial business. I ain't messing around no' mo'. I have negotiated lower rates, done a zero% balance transfer, and for the first time in my life I am going to prepare and follow a rigid budget.
I will be out of debt in a year.
love
Hops
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Hops
You are an inspiration! Love , Ami
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Bravo! Hops
Truly glad, for you.
Love, Leah
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Have you in my thoughts,today, Hops. Love Ami
(((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))
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Thank you, Ami.
I'm thinking of you too.
How is Scott's brother doing?
love
Hops
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Way to go Hops!!!
Go to www.daveramsey.com. He is my financial - get out of debt - hero.
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I love Dave Ramsey!
My D told me she got his CDs...
xo
Hops
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Hi, Hops,
I'll bet you were just dropkicked into a lifechanging habit. The stress of this with your brother is probably going to get you started on conquering that pile of paperwork on a regular basis--and you are going to get into the habit and will someday look back and wonder how you could have struggled so! It's okay, Hops--anyway you get to the finish line is fine.
I sure feel for you. This is so tension producing. But I hear the grit in your voice and I know you will be fine. This is just going to be very, very hard for awhile.
Love you, Hopsy,
CB
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(((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))
Sorry, I have been off for a few days and just saw your thread. I wish you lots of love and strength now. I think you did the right thing by telling your brother he could not have control of your mom's finances. It sounds lke he is trying to muscle in, and, as you pointed out, he has given you very little reason to trust him.
Take care and I wish you peace and love when you can grab it suring this difficult time.
Love, Beth
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Dear Hops,
I am going to get his brother in to counseling. He is doing well, in a sense, working, functioning.However, he is in shock and needs more from me than I can give ,right now.
Other people, my F and Maria's H are helping him, but he needs counseling, too.
I have you in my thoughts, too, Hops. Love, Ami
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((((((((((Hops))))))))))
Just sending you some hugs and love... thinking of you.
xox
Carolyn
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Dear Hops,
I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts at this very , difficult time. Love Ami
((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))
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(((((( Hops )))))))
Thoughts of you with true victory grit.
Love, Leah
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Thanks CB, Beth, Ami, Carolyn...
I feel PTSDish, a little, like the adrenalin aftermath.
The house is a mess because of one wild night when:
a squirrel chewed through a power line, it surged, the compressor in the fridge failed, and the furnace went out.
Glad I had an electric blanket.
My brother did help but his methods and the recent trauma w/him made it harder to deal with such stuff with him here.
And I overheard him muttering dire things about me over the phone, then he looks at me like, Who, me?
YUCK.
I went out the next day and got a new fridge but then had to go to work.
There is food and debris from the move (I got the new fridge at the Habitat for Humanity store...it's actually quite nice, stainless clad, 6 years old) all over the kitchen and I haven't felt like tackling the cleanup. But I will in a bit. Back to work tomorrow.
My D's called regularly and my friends (including you dears here) have been very supportive.
Mom's peaceful in the nursing place, content w/attention. No idea about her prognosis.
What's most worrying to me is what will happen when the 100 days of Medicare run out. Her only real asset is the house, and we'd have to tap the equity to pay for continuing care, so there may not be much house left.
love
Hops
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My brother did help but his methods and the recent trauma w/him made it harder to deal with such stuff with him here.
And I overheard him muttering dire things about me over the phone, then he looks at me like, Who, me?
YUCK.
my ex does that. Behaviourally he has been far more 'disturbed' than I have with my illness.
Hope you get sorted out again soon ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Take one thing at a time, don't panic.
Love
~W
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Oh, dear ((((((((Hops))))))))) I am praying for all of the very best for you and your situation there.
Thank you so much for taking time to fill us in... I know that's not easy, atop all the rest.
Wish I could give you a real hug and some cheese ravioli... well, you know... cozy stuff.
So much love to you,
Carolyn
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Dear (((((((((( Hops )))))))))))))
Can't be there to offer a helping hand, which I would do, freely.
please know that you are in my thoughts, and also, my prayers.
Love, Leah
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Hi Write, thank you.
I kept it together while he was here and got my protections in place.
But those were legal.
I realized today that his bullying triggered a PTSD-like reaction, 2 days after he left.
Today I started shaking and had episodes of trembling for an hour.
I just told myself, you're okay, you're letting out all that fear you had to suppress while he was here.
I am okay now though still a little shaky.
PTSD from bullying 50 years ago? Jeez.
love,
Hops
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My D's called regularly
8) :D :) :) :) :D :D
That is sogood to hear.
What's most worrying to me is what will happen when the 100 days of Medicare run out. Her only real asset is the house, and we'd have to tap the equity to pay for continuing care, so there may not be much house left.
I'm sorry Hops. That is an enormous pressure. Does she have any supplementary insurance that would help with long term care? I suspect you would have said so. I will just hope that she gets better by day 99.
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I realized today that his bullying triggered a PTSD-like reaction, 2 days after he left.
Today I started shaking and had episodes of trembling for an hour.
I just told myself, you're okay, you're letting out all that fear you had to suppress while he was here.
I am okay now though still a little shaky.
PTSD from bullying 50 years ago? Jeez.
no, this is the big decision about if a NPD person can stay in your life or not- can you cope with the constant re-traumatising.
That's where I'm at with ex today, although I started the day full of energy his involvement in it quickly left me feeling drained and wanting to comfort-eat and sleep and surf the net instead of getting my work done ( some of which I can't do anyway since he broke the computer )
I'm coming to 'decision time' myself...
Don't worry about anything more than one day at a time- try getting some of the stuff organised which has been upset the past few weeks but don't worry about what you can't do Hops- if the money runs out it does and another solution will be found.
Are you being visited by the care team at your church? You need extra support in 3 D I think, especially if it means dealing with brother's upsetting behaviour.
Love
~Write
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sage advice, Write...
I've just rested today.
Got an email from the minister.
But right around his visit I had 3 church friends really step up for me.
And today got an email from the minister.
I could use a few more phone calls from friends, but since generally I'm not much of a phone pal,
that's not the pattern.
I know I can reach out. Tonight I'm just chilling, tomorrow I pick up the order campaign again.
I needed a rest.
xo
Hops
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I realized today that his bullying triggered a PTSD-like reaction, 2 days after he left.
Today I started shaking and had episodes of trembling for an hour.
I just told myself, you're okay, you're letting out all that fear you had to suppress while he was here.I am okay now though still a little shaky.
PTSD from bullying 50 years ago? Jeez.
love,
Hops
Hugs Hops.
He is gone
You are safe
Rest and take extra care of those old wounds. love seasons
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Hi Carolyn, Leah, GS...
I skipped right over thanking you. (And noticed in my posts I've been a little addled, repeating stuff, etc.)
And Seasons,
Thank you too.
I'm better tonight. Bit some fingernails off. But no more shakies.
It's all just so weird. Skipped visiting Mom tonight and that helped.
Tomorrow I'll try to see her in the a.m. before work instead of after...that's the hardest time to go.
love to all of you,
Hops
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Hops,
Just stopping in to say hello -
Cat
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(((((((Hops))))))) No concerns here about you repeating yourself or missing a posting... it's only good to read you and try to keep up-to-speed with your happenings. Thinking of you often, here... with love.
Carolyn
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I needed a rest.
remember that line in 'Desiderata':
many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness...
It's exhausting being a carer, be a self-carer too.
Love
~W
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Dear ((((((( Hops )))))))
Thank you for being, thoughtful,
even in the midst of so much at hand.
Thinking of you, hoping for brighter days.
Love to you,
Leah x
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Thanks ((((Write)))))
Thanks ((((Leah)))))
And GS...I bought me a big ol' bag of Epsom Salts! :)
love to all,
Hops
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Hi Hops,
Been off line for a while, apologies for not getting here sooner. Boy was I so glad to hear about your daughter.......good, good news. And that brother oh boy....... maybe this is the universe testing those boundaries of yours. I am so sorry about the mess at your house, glad you are having a break from caring for your Mom and hope your spirits are a little refreshed. Put the worry about medicare on hold for a few days, if you can. Take the best possible care of precious you Hops, Wish I was there to spend some time with you.
sending hugs and love,
Axa
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I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you too Hops. I'm sorry for all the stress you've been through lately. Your brother would drive me insane.
love and hugs
X bella
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Soak, soak, soak Hops!!!
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Dear Hops,
I am very sorry for the pain and stress you are experiencing. I use epsolm salts and have been having a beer at night. I may stop the beer ,now,but it really did help for the past few nights.
Hops, I am sending you peace and love. Ami
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Just checking in, dear Hops... in midst of a white-out here, with visions of snow-dogs whisking by the window periodically... lol... and one snow-boy. Wanna come make angels? Sounds like a good cookie-baking day, too.... traditional buttery chocolate chip with walnuts optional? Fire is sparkling joyfully. Crumpled colored catalog pages make for lovely shades of blue and green in the flames. ((((((((((Hops))))))))))) wish you were here.
Love,
Carolyn
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Oh guys :cry:
Thank you for asking.
I am feeling overwhelmed. I'm math-phobic in the first place and since my brother's attack, I am more anxious than ever about managing both my accounts and my mother's and we're stretched to the limit. Well, over-limit.
I've just appealed to a woman in my Covenant Group for an afternoon's help. Hope and pray she says yes. She knows what she's doing, has done accounting workshops, etc.
Hopefully I soon will have a budget that I grasp and can stay on top of.
Fingers and toes crossed and btw, Carolyn, I feel like your armchair by the fire is heaven on earth. Thanks for the invite, I'm there in spirit.
love to all,
Hops
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(((((((Hops))))))) it'll be alright. Really, it will. Please be sure to remember all that you've already accomplished re: putting accounting stuff into order. The stress is being manufactured by the acute awareness of N's who just cannot seem to wait to catch ya in a mistake. It's an artificial lifeform of its own, Hops. You can squash it.
I don't know whether income tax preparation would bring you any financial relief (in the form of potential refund) but just this morning, in the world record time (and for the first time ever) I used turbotax.com to process and efile our returns. Not trying to add to your to-do list, dear Hops... only thinking that news of a refund might help you to feel on more solid footing.
So much love to you,
Carolyn
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Yes, I'm going to do Turbo-Tax (or some other...at my income I qualify for Freefile on irs.gov). That's a good task for the weekend and you're right, it would cheer me up to get a refund!
Meanwhile, I'm shuffling things around and I know it will be okay.
I really am tempted to have deadbolt locks put on the doors of my 2 rooms. Of course nothing would stop my brother if he wanted to remove the doors when he's here, but I'm tempted.
I think the best path is once again to carry files and laptop to my friend's house and just leave them there as long as he's here. Pisses me off, frankly.
sorry.
Hops
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Dear Hops,
It seems like you simply have to do that with the files, as I see it. I am sorry for the pain ,in the situation,Hops. Love Ami
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((((((((Hops))))))))) ticks me off, too... for you... to have to utilize stealth mode within your own home.
I think it should be like with divorced parents who get visitation... he should not necessarily have free access to anything or anyone there.
Love,
Carolyn
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(((((((( Hops )))))))))
Thoughts of you, hoping,
for better, brighter days, ahead.
Sincerely,
Love, Leah
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((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))
Imagine white light and angels all around to keep you calm and safe.
Maybe angels armed with golden straws, carrying bottomless pots of spit balls!! (to shoot at your brother, ofcourse).
Sending you another big, large, huge ((((((((((((((((((((((((Hug))))))))))))))))))))))) and keeping you firmly in my prayers.
This too shall pass.
Sela
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Hops,
Just popping in to say hello and tell you how much I care for you. Saturdays are hard for you, I know, and I wanted to offer a cyber cup of coffee and a homemade cinnamon roll...wish I could really do that with you.
I like the deadbolt idea. I don't know--I'm feeling a bit feisty these days, and I like the powerful image. Sure he could take the hinges off (he could come in the window too!) but he can't mistake the fierce boundary-setting that a dead bolt illustrates. I vote for the dead-bolt.
I am hoping that this difficult time is a significant moment in your life where you finally conquer the paper monster. Without this trauma, you have always been troubled by your sense of being inept in this area, and you deserve better. Sometimes it is only a life changing, traumatic event that breaks lose a log-jam like this in our heads. I want that for you so, in spite of everything, I can (sort of) tolerate your brother's N'ishness since it may make you stronger.
Love you Hops,
CB
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Hi TT,
Thank you. I got a lot of sleep so I do feel better. A sunny Saturday is a good thing!
And yes, you do know how to name the unnameable...your theme today!
I have thought, and wished, for both her sake and my own, that Mom could let her body go.
But...it's not for me to say and unlikely to happen soon. She's got the constitution of a Clydesdale.
There's nothing legal I can do to preserve the house, since she never put my name on the deed. It's still her main asset, so if I bring her home after the 100 days and must hire private nurses, we'll burn through her savings in a few months and then it will be time to tap the equity. One thing I've learned from this is that I will put my D's name on the deed if I ever own anything, this house or a townhouse or whatever. That way if something happens to me she won't have this particular uncertainty. But there's no point scaring myself. Meanwhile I can live abstemiously and try to find ways of earning extra $$.
Thanks for your sensitivity, TT. I sense she's retreating into memory, and that's a mercy for her.
CB,
I'm deciding against the deadbolts because I think they'll up the ante, and if the important files are elsewhere, there's not a lot of point. The other reason is they'd look pretty weird on bedroom doors if I have to sell the house and I don't want to pay for their installation. But I may do an internet search for some low-tech ways to find out whether he's entered my spaces...sounds silly since it won't matter after the fact, but I could have some fun playing junior detective. I hope to not think about him much at all, since I'll be with my daughter in sunny Florida next time he comes.
Eager to hear your restaurant updates...I know it'll be a huge success with you at the helm. What an amazing journey you've had in the last year. Are things resolved yet with El Creepo? Splat. Squish. Swat.
love to all,
Hops