Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on January 20, 2008, 09:54:53 AM
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Lies are what killed my son. I know that I have told myself so many lies about my own value that I am 'lost" in the lies. I am coming out ,now, slowly.
My son was nothing like the 'lies" he told himself. Many of our pains,on the board, are from lies we tell ourselves about our value.
I am commited to rooting put those lies--one by one.Scott's view of himself bore no resemblance to the truth of who he was. Lies are so deadly for all of us--not just s/one who paid the ultimate price .
We ,all, are suffering when we believe the lies that we have to be 'perfect", that we are 'bad"(shame) and so many others.
That is my commitment ,on the board, now.
Just as the board helped me to see the truth of my N M, now ,I want to face the lies.
Thank you for being the most wonderful group of "real" friends. Love Ami
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GOOD.
I'm glad, Ami.
This is the worst kind of wakeup call, but waking up is the ultimate answer.
with love,
Hops
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Hops,Please explain what you mean,more specifically,if you could. Also, thank you so much for your very kind and gracious words,Hops.
Love Ami
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You are experiencing an inner revolt against lies.
The lies you believed about yourself.
The lies he believed about himself.
You are beginning to actually not believe them.
(Not just in your mind, but in your experience.)
You are older and stronger than he was, so you are not going to follow him.
You are beginning to EXPERIENCE them as unreal.
Lies are unreal.
I am very sorry for how painful that is...your loss of your precious son and the literal sensation of your awakening to reality.
You are awakening to something that is ultimately GOOD reality, that lies are untrue.
But imo this awakening is terribly painful. Like giving birth for months.
Scott's death is a trigger for you to awaken the rest of the way--and it is as unstoppable as birth.
Like the "shock of awakening", that lies kill. They don't just depress or upset, they kill.
I hope that makes some sense but please compost it if it doesn't...
with compassion,
Hops
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I am really, really having a hard time ,today. This is going to sound dumb,but I don't care.Hiding is what caused my son to kill ,himself, having to be "prefect"--all lies.
I am overwhelmed with people ,in my space. My parents are here. I have "issues' with them,as you know. I am exhausted that they are "in my space"---all the issues, all the history.
Then,people want to come over and I feel like I have to be "on". I had issues with people pleasing and approval seeking, as it was. After this type of "shock, who the hell has the resources to muster up 'social skills" when they wanted to run and hide BEFORE this happened?(LOL)
I see that many people are simply helping me and I am a big blob ,sitting in the middle(LOL). I feel guilty for being a non-involved blob, but I see the hand of God in it simply helping me and doing what I cannot do(and could not do EVEN before this).
I feel ashamed that I am so non functional. I was non functional before this, so you can imagine HOW nonfunctional I am ,now.(lol)
So, people are making plans to have food at my house. They are doing it for me---my M, friends.
Tonight, people are coming over. I feel like it is a 'party" ,in a sense, when *I* have to help other people.I feel overwhelmed with feeling like *I* have to help other people. As I write this,I know I am "off",but I could use some help with my thinking.
I am just so,so tired. I know that other people have been here.
I see that the shame I have inside is coming out ,once again to bite me on the ass, so to speak. I am speaking up b/c to be so perfect that it killed him. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Love Ami
((((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))
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Dear Hops,
Thank you so ,very much. That really, really helped. I want to tell you what just happened.
A neighbor just came over. I did not know her,but Scott went to hgh school with her D.What was funny was she was dressed in a cute little cashmere sweater with pearls and pearl earring, high heels and cute pants.
I didn't expect anyone ,so I was in ripped pants and two sweaters put on over each other. I had to laugh ,inside.
We had the best talk, though, and it was an incredible blessing that she came over.
I am so "real" and raw ,now, that I thought maybe I was being too open.I felt a little weird,like maybe I was being too real..However, she opened up and told me how she struggles with all the same feelings that I am discussing now--trying to be perfect, etc.
She said that her D and her friends do ,too.
She told me that she struggles, daily, with the same thing and that she has had periods of depression, when she had to take medication.
She has the same religious views that I have and told me that when s/one close to her died, she had senses ,at times, that the person was there.
Also, I have a joy,inside, that Scott is in Heaven and I feel very happy, right now. The neighbor told me to be prepared for more grief , which I should be. She is right.
I am just totally exhausted, which must be normal, too. Thank you for responding. This board is a lifeline for me . It is a place where I can be real and I need to be. Love Ami
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I feel ashamed that I am so non functional.
When you feel the shame I want you to stand outside of yourself and see yourself as someone else. You would not allow that person to feel ashamed. That is a false message that you picked up from someone who meant you harm.
I feel guilty for being a non-involved blob,
I feel ashamed that I am so non functional. I was non functional before this, so you can imagine HOW nonfunctional I am ,now.
I have been non-functional now for 5 years but as I have worked to overcome it I realized that the first and most important step was to let go of my shame for being non-functional. I knew that it was the shame itself that bound me. I am still bound but only by a string now. Each and every time I feel the shame I denounce it, call it false and search for another feeling to replace it.
Noone, not here and not in your home or your city expects you to function now - noone except you. You must put that shame aside. You don't deserve it, you never did. You deserve peace. Only be letting go of the shame can you find peace. Christ longs for you to have peace - the peace that surpasses understanding. You must be willing to let go of your shame. Noone expects you to function now. Don't expect it of yourself.
With love - from someone bound by shame and non-functional. - Gaining Strength
I chose to let go of my shame in soladarity with you, my dear Ami.
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Dear Ami,
Letting go:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
Love, Leah
Proverbs 3:5 ~ Trust in the LORD with all your heart. And do not lean on your own understanding.
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Dear GS,
I am so glad that you are back on the board. You have given me SO much comfort. You really understand what I am going through,GS.
Now, I CAN be nonfunctional, but before I was ,anyway..However, that is neither here nor there, as you were saying. I could not help it ,before,so what can I do? I was 'sick" with lies, like s/one is sick with some other disease. I did not chose it. I accomodated myself ,so I could still keep living.
I have a new understanding of emotional illness. I really do. You can't help it, at some point. You are lost and treading water to simply stay afloat.
Thank you for your supportive words, GS--so much. Love Ami
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Thank you ,Leah!.
I feel like a very poor servant of God's, but I guess we ALL are--right? Thank you for your comforting words, Leah. Love Ami
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Dear Ami,
Yes, indeed, we are all, to be, humble servants, serving only Him, as He is a jealous God [exodus 20:4-5] and, truly blessed are the poor in spirit.
As a fellow new creation in Christ, born anew by God's Spirit, as in the gospel of John.
The Beatitudes, when Jesus taught us ...
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.
Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven,
for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 5:1-12
My heart is always filled with joy, peace, and hope, by The Beatitudes.
Love, Leah
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=5870.0 (http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=5870.0)
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Dear (((( Ami ))))
As I was praying earlier on: Galatians 5:1
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free"
Christ came to break the chains and set the captives free.
Love, Leah
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I'm glad it helped, Ami.
I was afraid it was too raw.
I'm grateful you understood.
Imagine June Cleaver, speechless, in a dirty housecoat, sitting on the couch in the middle of a cocktail party.
It's okay, hon.
Deep inside, let it go...permission to grieve, M'am?
Permission, give permission...
love and comfort,
Hops
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I feel like I have been traveling for days and days ,and it is not over. I have to trust that God WILL take care of me ,tomorrow.
I have to trust that I won't fall apart and if I do, it will be OK.
It is so scary HOW far down your thoughts can take you--little by little ---until you can see no truth, whatsoever. My son was loved by his classmates . I think that we will have so many kids there .
How can we get SO far from reality? That is my angst ---the lies.I believed all the lies, too. I ,STILL, believe them,but it is less.
God prepared me for this by sending me a best friend who loved me and helped me to love myself. Please pray for me b/c the funeral is tomorrow. Love Ami
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Dear Ami,
I bet it feels like a bad dream. I will keep praying for you. Tomorrow will be over soon.
(((((((((Ami))))))))
Sela
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Thank you, Sela! Those words mean a lot.
I just have to write down my feelings. I feel so much shame . I know that Scott is in Heaven. I have a peace about this. Tomorrow,I may lose it when I see all the kids, teachers , etc.. I feel a "shame " about how I will handle it. Will I freak out and run out of the room?. Will I get sick? What will I do ,in front of a roomful of people to "humiliate " myself?I don't know and I feel afraid.It may sound silly and BE silly,but this is how I feel.
However,I do have a "joy" about Scott . Today, my neighbor told me that Scott was God's kid more than mine and God could love him MUCH better than I could and God was doing it right,now.
I really just want everyone to go AWAY so I can grieve. I want to sit in his room ,with his things and cry,finally, without thinking that people are looking at me or I have to hold it in ,or anything ,really. I don't want to be looked at and this is "shame". I just want to go in to a dark hole and be alone.The problem is I wanted to go in a dark hole and be alone BEFORE this happened, too.
This sounds bad ,but I feel so afraid of people looking at me tomorrow .
I know that people will be looking at me and wondering what I will do--collapse, etc.
I feel so much shame about caring so much and so much shame ,in general, about being "looked at". I am just saying it b/c I neeed to put ,my emotions ,out there( the opposite of shame)
I really see that I am 'coreless" in the way that I feel defined by the outside. I get stomach aches when I feel coreless, as I do now,in anticipation of going to the funeral.
My own issues are tormenting me ,tonight. I guess it is normal to not "want to be seen", especially if you are full of shame ,to begin with.
If my friend had not helped me to get rid of SOME of the shame, I think that I could not handle any of this, as well as I am.one of my friends said that he would drive me home,if I needed it.
I equate "people" with feeling shame. There may be hundreds of people ,tomorrow. We have lived in the same place for over 20 years--a relatively small place..I am just dreading being "looked at', even though this sounds selfish and horrible to say. I am. That is the truth of it.
I wish that I could write enough to feel better,but I can't.
If any of this sounds 'off', I am open to suggestions.i know that I may sound a little demented. I feel that way,so I bet that I sound that way, too. Maybe if Scott was willing to "look bad" as I am, he could have stayed alive.
So, honestly, loving suggestions are very welcome. Ami
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There is beauty in being who you are in the moment you are in feeling the feelings you are feeling.
Tomorrow is not a performance.
You owe nobody any image, any act.
You are just his mother, sitting in a room full of love and sorrow.
You will be all right if you allow yourself to be.
There is no wrong way to behave.
That's another lie.
Just be, with yourself, and with him.
Let your heart open and break and if you weep, you weep.
No grieving mother's sobs have ever harmed anyone.
with love to your heart,
Hops
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Dear ((((( Ami )))))
Hops has expressed beautifully, how you can just allow yourself to, be.
All those thoughts are from the outside, they come from people on the outside.
Just be you, from your inside, a grieving mother, which is a good place to be.
Be serene, gently allowing yourself to be.
Just as you are right now.
Which is more than okay ~ you don't have to 'perform' for anyone.
Thinking of you, and praying for you.
Love, Leah
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Thank you Hops, Leah and Amber,
Your words and advice helped so much. I needed to talk about all the pain and shame that was in my head , and I was hoping that I would get words of advice,such as yours.
I really needed them,in order to get through. Thank you so very much .You don't know HOW much you helped me . Love , Ami
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Facing my own selfishness is such a bite. However, MY selfishness is everyone's selfishness,I think. That is what Scott did not know. I did not know it before, either.Also,when you get expressions of love , the people giving them don't have to be perfect. My dog got away(and is still out) and my F went out to find her. That was an expression of love. My M staying next to me this whole time was an expression of love.
You have to embrace all of yourself and only then can you give ,well, I think. It is a paradox,like most of life wisdom. You HAVE to be selfish in order to be giving .Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Love Ami
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"Love thy neighbor as thyself." says to me that I must love myself first in order to be able to love my neighbors.
If we hate ourselves then we have no love to give. You are getting it. This is Scott's gift to you dear Ami. My love to you - GS
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Yes, Ami, it is vitally important to love yourself first, to be utterly kind to yourself.
And you know, actions do speak louder than words. Some people are not too good with words, simply because they are not good with words. But they express their love, compassion and kindness in good deeds, in even small acts of helpfulness.
I greatly sympathise with you and what you are going through in these dark days.
Best wishes
Hermes
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Dear GS Your words are such a balm to me, GS. I am so glad that you are back on the board. You did not feel "significant" as a board member, a short time ago. Now, look how much you touched s/one else. Your loss of your H was very mich like the loss of my son. Also, you were very much like me.
Knowing you are there is a comfort to me, GS
I still am very numb. Last night, we had a group of people here. They all had tragedies which they shared. I realized that I had been in a little "hole" thinking that *I* cornered the market on tragedy and I have not. I have been in a fantasy world,hating my M. My M has been SO kind to me that I have to let all the pain from her go. She only wants to give me love and comfort. It is amazing. How can I hold a grudge? She was "underwater' ,as *I*was and as Scott was.
I have had a long painful marriage. My H said that he would give me a divorce and not 'screw" me, if I wanted it. Right now, I just want to heal(to cry, really),but I know that life will hold promise for me.
I will take this tragedy the way I took the "Janet" thread. I grew and I learned and nothing was the same ,after that. Scott would want me to be happy. He would want me to exorcise the demons that he could not.
I feel guilty for living,but that must be normal. I want to exercise today,but feel guilty. That must be normal.
I had another sense of God's presence ,last night.I had a long standing question answered,in a flash.
I feel more centered ,now.
I will share a small supernatural experience. I called T Mobile b/c I had a problem with my phone. I must have sounded weird b/c they guy said,"It is OK, Ma'am."I said,"I just had a death in the family and so, I don't sound right."
Then, I told him that it was Scott. He said that his F committed suicide when he was 11 and he always held himself responsible.
So, it was a little miracle to connect with him.
I see that my life can open up ,now. I have an opportunity to grow OR recede. I will grow b/c Scott loved me and would only want good for me. I failed him, but our love for each other was always ,there,until the last moment. I could not "short circuit" the lies and distortions . He let them in,as we all do, but they took him the extra step down.
The fact that he knew God is what keeps me going.He would not want me to go backwards ,in to the dark.So, I feel like I do have life to live and love to give and recieve.
I wish I could cry. I wish I could feel.I guess I have to trust that I will cry when I can.
Thanks for all the sweet responses and love that has come my way. For me, the board has been a life of it's own.It has taken me from giving up to hope. I have experienced most everything in this "crazy" place. I love it, through all the ups and downs. I just "fit" in ,here.. I have made wonderful , true friends. It was and is a gift from God. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love Ami
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Thank you ,Hermes.
Your post was very helpful. Love Ami
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Amber. you have a lot of wisdom. Thank you so very much . Love , Ami
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Ami, about not crying. I didn't either. It was because I am so messed up.
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Dear (((Ami))),
As I read your posts I was taken back with how honest, real and aware you are. You are so strong and have moved through so much healing in your life -- God did not bring you this far to leave you hanging.
With much love -- in my thoughts and prayers,
Lise
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Dear Lise,
THIS is an opportunity to chose life or death. One person dying is enough. Thank you for your kind words and MOST especially your friendship. I love you, Lise. Ami
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Your words are such a balm to me, GS. I am so glad that you are back on the board.
I came back for you dear Ami. I came back to be there for you at this terrible time in your life, at this terrible loss.
I feel guilty for living,but that must be normal. I want to exercise today,but feel guilty. That must be normal.
It is normal. It is incorrect - you are not guilty - but it is normal to feel guilty. I hope when you feel this you will simply remind yourself that it is incorrect - that you feel guilty but you really aren't responsible even if it feels as though you are.
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THANK YOU, GS------so much! Love Ami