Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on January 26, 2008, 02:55:06 PM
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I feel "guilty" writing this b/c my F was not nearly as bad as many F's here.However, I feel angry at him and it is a valid anger. I never felt "real" anger toward him.
When he would buy me jewelry or presents as a kid, I would lose them. I did not know why, consciously.
My M was the N(Yes, she has changed ,so I am not sure where that leaves her ,now, as far as a diagnosis),but when I was growing up, she fit Vaknin, perfectly. My F was the appeaser. I thought that he was wonderful . He WAS compared to her. However, I could smash him ,now(lol) He is a blank person---a vapid person.This is just an example . When my H was abusing me and my son, my F's question was ,"What kind of life did he(my H) have? My friend,John said that any "man "would have gotten the SIL in a headlock and told him that he would "kill "him, if he touched his D and GS, again. .When my M would rage, he would be as shut down ,a any of the kids.I always thought that he chose not to help me, but he really could not help it. I see that,now. The biggest bite is my seeing how *I* am just like him in many ways--please, please, please---bleh. God Forbid, s/one will get angry at me. Then,I have to dance a jig to appease them, just like my F.I am a people pleaser and I am constantly trying to outrun shame..
The worst part of this whole thing is seeing how MY wimpiness led to Scott's death. I let my H take Scott over, little by little. I stopped fighting my H.
I really wimped out a long,long time ago when I was to weak to leave him, but I WAS too weak to leave him .I did not get in my H's face enough and go to battle for Scott.
I was a wimp,like my F and that is why I can't stand to see my F.
I guess that since I faced my anger at my M and reconciled with her, now I am facing my anger at my F.
Being a concilatory wimp in a family is guilt by omission. I was that with Scott.
I became just like my F---bleh.Now, I am like him ,too.
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Ami,
I always loved both my aunt and uncle, but believed he was the "good" one of the two. She was the disciplinarian and took care of business in the family. She had a heart attack and when I went to the hospital to see her, she looked awful. I asked the nurse what was going on as this didn't look like anything to do with the heart attack. She answered " well, it's nice to know someone noticed and cares". It turned out that she had been addicted to pain killers and had been doctor shopping to get double prescriptions. I went to talk with her and she said she didn't want to go home because she was tired of taking care of everyone else. I told her I would come help her after she got out of the hospital, I had missed the whole point of what she was saying, She died the day she was to be released.
I started having my uncle over for dinner several times a week and began to realize that he had been able to be the "good" one at her expense, he actually was quite selfish, self centered, and not a very nice person. My question is, do we marry people that compliment us so that we can hide our flaws? Is it intentional or just a natural instinct that draws us to each other?
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Am-I do not know if I will ever get the chance at being mad at my dad. I have my mom for taking away his manhood. But maybe he is the one who will not step up to the plate. Now his health is so bad I think he will not live a long life. Did your H drive Scott over the edge? Any if he did I would be more than angry. But right now your emotions are all over the place I am sure and anger is a big part of it.
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Dear Alone,CB and Kelly,
This thread turned out to be so interesting. I was reluctant to post it b/c I felt guilty about "dissing" the good one(my F)--lol.
Alone, I have two stories similar to yours with a friend and a cousin.
It is interersting WHAT happened with my F. I expressed my true feelings to him about how he never stood up and helped me ,as a child, or with an abusive H. He apologized and told me that I was helping him by sharing my feelings with him. He said that he wanted to grow and I was a "teacher"(lol)
He said that he would call me ,after he thought about it, and we could discuss it more.
Kelly, I am very angry at my H. It is confusing to see my part in it, with my H. My books from a Biblical perspective say that a man needs to support the woman and be kind to her when she is in the vulnerable position of having and taking care of babies. He is responsible for caring for her ,in a kind way.
I am trying to see the truth and then go forward. It is confusing,in many ways. Love Ami
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Dear Kelly,
I was thinking about your question about anger toward my H. My M said s/thing profound before she left. She said ,'Don't listen to any advice or viewpoints your H has to give you. Just ignore them."
It is hitting me,now, what she meant.
Our "connection" is not a life giving one. I see the types of things he is saying to me ,now. I am really surprised how life "stealing" the whole relatiionship is and HAS been.
I see that he (and people) are victims of their circumstances, when they are in denial, and my H is no exception. The only thing that *I* can do is see the truth and get strong--both of which I am doing.
I need to face that my H is not any sort of "soul" food , for me. He provides physical comforts,of which I am very grateful at the moment.
However, emotionally, my H will pull me down to a dark place if I do not face the truth, which I am. It is a relief to face the truth. I am just sitting with it, right now. It is enough to just see it. My body and mind are breathing a sigh of relief.
Kelly, I am with you to help in ANY way I can. Love Ami
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Ami,
My son's parked car was hit Fri night and most likely it will be a total loss (bent the frame, rack &pinon etc). I was out of town, about fifty miles away, with some gf's when my son callled me at 11:00 at night. He was quite upset (he's 18) and wanted to know what to do. While he called the police I called my ex (his father) ans asked him to go be with him (they were probably about 5 miles apart) He begrudginly did, but then stepped up and seemed to be quite a bit of assistance. It was a hit and run and the kid that hit the car was found and brought to the scene. The policeman actually berated my son for calling it in as a hit and run, though the kid was brought back by another police man in handcuffs??? The next morning, I got up early to return home and assist, I called my ex to get an update on the situation. I thanked him profusely and advised of when I would be home.
The point of all of this is, my girlfriend who had been listening in said " why are you thanking him, like it isn't his son too?" That's just our nature to be the giver and think when someone else gives that it's the exception, not what they should have done. I expect so little from others, but that doesn't seem to be the case of what others expect from me, did I set this up. I believe so. Not everyone I met was a taker, but when you allow it for so long, they start to expect also, like the N, even if they aren't N's.
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Dear Alone,
I am sorry about your son and the car. I am glad that his F helped. Your friend was right. It was his son, after all.Life can be such a bleh ,sometimes--can't it, Alone? Love Ami
((((((((Alone))))))))))
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Ami,
Thank you so much, but it was only a car. I was so grateful he wasn't in it since the kid had to have been going pretty fast when it was hit. I have to tell you, I thought of you when he called, my thoughts and prayers are with you often.
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Thank You, Alone. You have been such a good friend to me. It is good that we are taking as many lessons as we can from his death.I know that I am trying to. You are right about your perspective about the car, Alone . Love Ami
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I need this anger thread. I am coming out of denial about my H. .I see that there are deep patterns in which he will give with one hand ,but push me down ,emotionally (badly) with the other .I am forced to look back and try to make sense of what happened to Scott. I need to sort it out in order to go on .
It was a '"normal" thing (in our family)that he would try to "turn my sons against me". He really could not, until Scott got in to the last years of high school. My kids and I were close b/c I stayed home . We built bonds based on spending time and doing activities ,together.
I was not strong enough or wise enough to get out, at any point along the way.My parents colluded with him and I felt totally alone and paralyzed.I became weaker and weaker.
I look back and see that my real problem ( and it WAS a real problem) was weakness. Scott did not see me as strong enough to go toe to toe with his F(to defend Scott) .
Once, my H held a heavy chair over my head . I thought he would smash it on me . Scott was in high school. He was standing across the room and told me that he would have beaten up his F, at that moment,if his F did not put down the chair. I was in denial of how bad it was b/c I was too weak to do anything.
So, these were the dynamics. Scott used to have dreams in which he would beat up his F.
What I did was abdicate my life.
My older son could face and talk about the truth ,but Scott kept trying to put his F as a role model. For Scott to "side with his F", he had to "disllike" his B and me, whom he really loved deeply.iI was a huge conflict for him and he felt guilty and would express it to me, crying.
When Scott was in high school, I started abdicating my life even more.
My H took Scott on college trips and Scott decided that my H would be his role model. He started pulling away ,emotionally ,from his B and me.
Scott wanted to be a doctor like my H. Scott thought that he would be a faliure,if he could not be a doctor. Scott started getting crazy ideas ,like if he could not be a doctor, he would be nothing. The irony was he could have easily been a doctor,if he wanted it.However, that is NOT the point. Scott got pulled in to "crazy" thinking b/c he stopped being honest. Then, his thinking got worse and worse over the last two years.
My role was weakness. I should have called the police ,COUNTLESS times.. I was too weak and Scott could have still been here ,if I had been strong enough to beat my H down.It was that simple, I think. If I could only have beaten him down,the way that I can do,now, with my M and him. So simple and yet ,so out of reach from where I was.
Could I have beaten him down? I guess not. I was too weak, by my NM and her lies, and then my H's lies and ,then, my own.I bellieved the lies, in whatever order they came.By then, I was underwater.
That is the story of my marriage. Now, my H wants me to tell him that it wasn't "his fault". Well, it was everyone's fault.He is very angry at me b/c I will not tell him that it was 'not his fault. He wants me to reassure him about his role and I won't. I am not the one that he should turn to to absolve his guilt. I have to face my OWN guilt and that is all.
I have goals. One is to get strong, which I will. Scott paid for my weakness, and now ,in honor of him, I will get strong.
I will go to a support group. I will take the Scripture,"Perfect Love Casts out Fear" and know ,again, that it WILL work, b/c the Scriptures always do what they promise.
So, as I get strong, I will see the way ,IF my eyes are open and I have dispensed with fear.
It is only a little over a week ,after Scott's death, but I I know my mistakes , I think. . The path will open so I can go forward,in the right way. Thanks for listening----so much.Any comments would be appreciated. Maybe, I am seeing ,incorrectly. I am open to suggestions. Ami
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All of a sudden, I was standing in the kitchen , a wave of dizziness came over me, and I realized what happened to Scott. Also, I can never look at my H the same way,again. I am really afraid.
My H had been trying to turn my sons against me since they were small, but to no avail. He never suceeded, when the kids were small. As Scott grew older, Scott achieved all the things that made my H proud,grades, athletics.
My H started taking him over ,and part of that was 'turning him against his B and me". As I got more "underwater" by not facing the truth of life, my H ,finally, suceeded in getting Scott, as his ally.
S/times Scott would call me and cry about how he felt that he has a horrible person b/c he never stood up against his F and protected my other son and me. *I* was the one who should have stood up-----NOT him,of course.Here was my fault,in the drama.
Scott felt so guilty b/c he loved his B and me. Scott used to say that he was a wimp b/c he could not stand up.
I see it all, now.
Scot could not live with the guilt of being "taken over' by his F. My H will not face any of this. I told my H that *I* am not the one for him to come to to absolve his guilt.
I told him everything that I said here, and he hung up on me.
I am really afraid of being "alone'. I am really afraid of getting a divorce, BUT I can't lie anymore. I have been forced out of denial and I am out.
I am just scared out of my wits,but you can't unscramble eggs i.e. you can't put denial back in the jar, with the lid on------bleh.
Ami
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Dear Ami.. :(
You are having a tough old time of it. And I wish you lots of strength, and every good thing you could wish for yourself. Things will happen by degrees, Ami, and one day this horrible person will be just the past. Getting a divorce is no fun, that is the truth. The idea of being alone can be terrifying, like an unknown journey to another planet. But when you get to that planet, you find out how great it is. Usually the fear is far worse than the reality.
I know you will find peace, the peace that you deserve, and a rich life that you also deserve.
All the best
Hermes
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Thank you, Hermes, for your voice, all the way from Ireland. It helps to be heard about having a tough time of it. How about coming out of a lifetime of denial in a week(LOL)?
Thanks for being there, Friend. I really mean it! Love Ami
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Heh heh Ami. Stranger things have happened. LOL
I do hope you have friends there in real life to help and support you. Just sitting down, having a coffee and chatting can do so much good.
As for fear, well what can I say.
Fear was a sort of unknown quantity to me, prior to the N-experience. It may be hard to believe what I am about to tell you.
I have been driving since I was 17 (not today or yesterday I might add LOL). Well, post N, I found that I could not get in behind the wheel, no way. Unbelievable that one could be affected to that degree by an N-experience, but that awful experience pervades all aspects of ones experience.
I had to book five "lessons" with a driving school, as I knew it was the only way I could maybe try again. A nice instructress arrived on the first day, and off we went. She said: "but you drive etc. etc." I made up a story about how I had had a little accident and had lost my nerve. (some accident LOL). I told no one I had taken those "lessons".
I am glad to report that I bought my own car some time after, and simply got back to where I was before the N.
All the best
Hermes
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THAT is cute, Hermes, especially about making up the "little story". I have 3 D friends, but the board offers me a certain solace which is different. You understand in a way that many people do not, or will not admit to,even to themselves.
I don't have to "explain" pain and "craziness" here. You, guys, get it(LOL), for better or worse! Love Ami
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Understood, Ami. People simply cannot comprehend the madness that is N.
I am glad you find solace here, and hopefully some humour from time to time.
All the best
Hermes
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the worst part of this whole thing is seeing how MY wimpiness led to Scott's death. I let my H take Scott over, little by little. I stopped fighting my H.
Hi dear Ami,
This statement is NOT the worst thing that could have happened it is one of the best things for you. For when we really look deeply at ourselves, past the voice of pride in our head, that says "do not look," and past the voice of fear that says "no need to," we can start to see ourselves and then the world the way God sees us and the world. That is partly why there are so many stories of Christ healing the blind in the bible...the message is really not about physical healing as it is about healing our spiritual vision.
Your seeing is a gift, your great insight and your courage to face yourself in the midst of tragedy is a miracle...I can't help but think that Scott is in heaven interceding for you -- he loves you so much.
Facing ourselves and seeing is so good and so healing - you are so OK and you have so much courage.
(((AMI)))
Love you,
Lise
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I really wimped out a long,long time ago when I was to weak to leave him, but I WAS too weak to leave him .I did not get in my H's face enough and go to battle for Scott.
I was a wimp,like my F and that is why I can't stand to see my F.
Ami,
The opposite of faith is NOT courage...it is fear. Your admitting that you have been a wimp at times in your life, (me too) to face your H or tell him the truth at the risk of loosing something is huge.
Someone once told me once that we are, in every situation, either leading people away from God or closer to God. If we made a decision out of fear then we are not trusting God...we are relying on ourselves rather than putting our trust, blind trust, in Him and having faith that He will not let us down.
The problem is that we tend to let our instincts takeover more than they should, we have more invested in life or the relationship than what is healthy, which makes it very hard to let go and trust God.
I know, I have been where you are as far as realizing that I am wimpy at times. I have to ask myself...what is there to loose and so what if this person does not like me or leaves me...as long as I am coming from a place of love and truth then God's got my back...let the person rant, let them reject me...I have learned that the truth will piss us off before it sets us free.
Thank you for sharing and risking Ami.
Lise
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Dear Lise,
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it and you, also. Love Ami
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I am SO angry. I have to bring up this thread ,again. WHY? WHY" WHY" do I try to get my H to understand how he tries to "turn people against me"--WHY?
My M did get the truth of her life . This must be a miracle. I guess I came out of denial, fast and I want my H to get it and own it. However, he gets very little.My H has the same pattern as his brother. They turn the kids (and anyone else they can-lol) against the wife(or try).
I do not have the strength to fight with him. It knocked me back a few pegs and I need to go forward ,not back.All I want to do is get strong.
I need to just co-exist until I can get strong. I know that I am still in denial about Scott. It still seems like a dream and I am still numb.
Ami
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I need to just co-exist until I can get strong.
Ami
Amy, I just read this thread through. I can't quite assimilate it all but several comments have been stunning. My general feeling is, you need a lot of time and some immediate care given you. I feel like you almost need to be babied, like tucked in bed with a hot cup of tea, or someone sitting with you in a darkened room, humming softly while you quietly nap, helping you dress, things like that. Maybe that sounds like I am nutty, but I really think that would help you lots and I wish it for you.
I like classic movies and old novels a lot and I am always astonished by how solicitous, kind, gentle and caring people seemed to be "in the old days." (For an example, Little Women, book and movie). In general, I don't think we care for each other anymore in the ways we really need to be cared for, our society worships at the alter of "uber-strength and self sufficiency" to the exclusion of ever letting ourselves admit to or give in to weakness of any kind. JMHO.
Love and kindness and healing to you, Ami
Since you talk about scripture, may I share one that is a great comfort to me often? I don't know where it is in the Bible, but here goes:
'To them that have no might, He increaseth strength.' Let Him hide you in the shadow and comfort of His healing wings, Ami. Violet
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Violet
Will YOU come to my house and take care of me(lol)? I bet you have a sweetness. Those were very comforting words, Violet.
Love Ami
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Violet
Will YOU come to my house and take care of me(lol)? I bet you have a sweetness. Those were very comforting words, Violet.
Love Ami
Yes, I would if I could! :) Violet
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Oh Violet,
I will take your words as cyberspace hugs. Thank you. I bet you would ,indeed, come over! Love Ami
((((((((((((((Violet)))))))))))))
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Ami, anger is a very important stage of growth. You seem to have unblocked the pipeline to your recovery through the loss of Scott, and I am sorry this loss had to be the catalyst.
I recently, went through, a period of great anger, absolute rage, actually. I, found out after trying to work out what was wrong with me all these years, that it wasn‘t me but my mother and my continued insistence on choosing narcs, of both sexes, to relate to because that is all I understood. When I was about 7 or 8, my mother took me to see a psychiatrist because there had to be something wrong with me. She found me impossible to deal with and I was fighting with my younger sister, who got all the attention.
I met someone on MySpace, and we started talking late last year. He had a NPD wife, and the more we talked, the more I realised that all the counselling I had done over decades, had brought me to a point in 1990, when I had explored all my options but I just didn’t have the final piece of the jigsaw. I suddenly realised, that I had wasted more than 50 years of my life feeling inadequate and, at times, I felt like I had two personalties and I did - hers and mine. I was outraged to realise that several people had lived, vicariously through me. I did all their feeling for them. I was the human face of so much destructive behaviour and I did not know what to do with myself.
Once I calmed down, which took several weeks and lots of deep thinking, I decided that now that I know what is going on, I am going to take charge of my life. I have lost 50 years of my life. I am, no longer, going to let them control me. It is my time to be myself. I shifted focus from them to me.
I stopped wasting time with or even thinking about people, who can’t or don’t want to understand. Ami, you need to stop wasting time with your husband (and anyone else, like him) trying to get him to understand or, at least understand your position. He will never understand so cut your losses in terms of effort. Limit your time with people, like him. Instead fill your life with people who energise you. Steer clear of anybody who exudes negative energy, whether it be at the shops, at the school, or anywhere at all. Start surrounding yourself with people, who love you or, at least give off positive vibes.
I did not think this up myself, I found great comfort in the writings of “Kübler-Ross see her Grief Cycle, the third stage is one of outraged anger. In order, the stages are: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, Acceptance.
Symptoms
The next step after denial is a sudden swing into anger, which often occurs in an explosion of emotion, where the bottled-up feelings of the previous stages are expulsed in a huge outpouring of grief. Whoever is in the way is likely to be blamed. In a company this includes the managers, peers, shareholders customers and suppliers. The phrase 'Why me?' may be repeated in an endless loop in their heads. A part of this anger thus is 'Why not you?', which fuels their anger at the those who are not affected, or perhaps not as seriously so.
Treatment
When they are angry, the best thing you can do is give them space, allowing them to rail and bellow. The more the storm blows, the sooner it will blow itself out.
Where anger becomes destructive then it must be addressed directly. As necessary, you may need to remind people of appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Reframe their anger into useful channels, such as problem areas and ways to move foreword.
Beware, when faced with anger, of it becoming an argument where you may push them back into denial or cause later problems. Support their anger. Accept it. Let them be angry at you.
Someone has expanded on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s treatise on stages of grief
Anger Behavior
Questioning
Crying
Shouting
Belligerence
Hostility
Sarcasm
Bitterness
Anger Feelings
Guilty
Hurt
Irritated
Cheated
Angry
Enraged
The next and hardest step is getting rid of the destructive repetitive cycles of anger and moving forward to self forgiveness“
I have a lot of trouble with this but I am trying. It goes against anything, we were told or intuitively knew during my childhood.
I hope I haven’t stood on anyone’s toes. I try to be sensitive.
Kim in Oz
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Dear Kim,
Thank you for your words. Please, always be honest with me.I appreciate it very much . Love Ami
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I feel really badly b/c my H is really hurting ,too, of course. However, I told him that I cannot discuss Scott,in any way, with him. I am a hair trigger, right now. I just "go off" and then wish I didn't.
My H wants ME to help him absolve him of guilt. *I* am not the person to do that. It is another assault on me .
He understood and will not engage me in this way.
I have seen so much truth, that he has not. We are in two different universes, now, more than before.
So, I simply can't be engaged in the dance . Ami
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My H wants ME to help him absolve him of guilt. *I* am not the person to do that. It is another assault on me .
Actually Ami - This is exactly what you are called to do. This is where your healing is hidden. You are holding him responsible and you might be harboring hatred for him. This will turn into a block for your healing.
I have seen so much truth, that he has not.
He cannot see what you see but you can help him and in helping him you will actually help to free yourself. Begin by acknowledging you hardened heart when you feel it and then simply acknowedge that you would like to soften that heart. That is how you begin and then you repeat this pattern over and over and over and in time your heart will begin to soften and your healing will begin.
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My H wants ME to help him absolve him of guilt. *I* am not the person to do that. It is another assault on me .
Actually Ami - This is exactly what you are called to do. This is where your healing is hidden. You are holding him responsible and you might be harboring hatred for him. This will turn into a block for your healing.
((((((((AMI))))))))
Ami - GS's words here are powerful and full of truth.
Perhaps in the need to make sense of why Scott did what he did you are seeking to blame yourself and your H, this is nonconstructive.
It was NOT you or your H's fault.
All this blame that your two are assigning to each other is a way to seek relief from the deep pain and hurt of losing Scott.
It just hurts.
My heart if so full of compassion and care for you and your Husband.
Much love,
Lise
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Ami,
If you can sit today and get really quiet in your mind. Listen to your heart and let the deep hurt rise up...stay with it...know how much I and others feel your pain with and for you and in great tenderness.
In that pain is God, you will find Him.
I love you,
Lise
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Ami,
Another thought,
God does not hold you or your husband responsible for Scott's death. God does not condemn you or your husband for Scott's death.
With love,
Lise
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Dear GS and Lise,
I did reach out to my H, today, as a friend. I cannot talk about Scott with him , though.I can give human caring and warmth to him,but cannot discuss specifics .
I CAN give kindness , though, and I am doing that. We found a good counselor for each person,in the family. She will be coming to the Messianic Synagogue in March and we can meet with her , each day, for a week ,if we need to. My friend, the Rabbi's wife, had a huge healing of FOO issues by just one session( a long one) with this lady.
My friend said that it was very life changing.So, again, an answer seemed to present itself to me, about counseling.Thanks for caring and all your support, GS and Lise. Ami
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You don't have to talk to him about Scott.
I'm so glad that you are talking to him and supporting him in other ways. The most important thing is what you are doing in your own heart and not so much what you do in regard to someone else such as your husband. I find it easier to do this when the person I do not want to be around is not there. I try to practise this and then I try to apply it when they are present (maybe not very successfully) but it is in working on it that I begin to get some freedom from the emotional tie.
I am sharing this with you because I believe in this on a very deep level. I am convinced that my history of hardened heart towards close family members is part of what is keeping me stuck. I hope profound healing for you as you grieve so deeply. I am writing this - even though I know it cannot be pleasant to hear, because I don't want you to have a hardened heart. I want you to be free. You can be separated from someone by distance, death or divorce and still be emotionally bound to them. I think many here might recognize this. I strongly believe that in finding healing for those places in our lives where we were deeply wounded and developed resentment and harbored hatred is the best way towards becoming who we were meant to be. It is not from distancing ourselves and closing the door on those who cause us emotional pain but it is through working through it whether that person is near or far. The point is to find a way to detach from them emotionally.
That is what I hope for you and what I hope for me.
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Dear GS,
I hear what you are saying and I agree that bitterness is a bondage. You are right that we have to be "clear" vessels in order to be whole.
For right now, I will be as kind and compassionate ,as possible toward my H. He is a prisoner of his unexamined FOO issues, as I was ,and probably still am, in ways . God Forbid, I would be a party to him hurting himself---either by omission or co-mission. I have to know that I acted with love and kindness, to the best of my ability. I will start, NOW. Love Ami
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I am trying to be kind b/c if anything happens to my H,I want to know that *I* acted with love, to the best of my ability. However, my H IS trying to engage me in arguments, maybe as a way not to feel his own pain, I am not sure, All I can do is what is right, from my side, and I AM doing that.
I will keep doing that and I have a peace about my actions, so far.
I will try to keep acting with love . When I fall down, which I may, I will apologize . At the end of each day, I want to know that *I* acted kindly.That is all I can do,as I see it. Ami
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Dear Ami:
I admire you so much, I think you are going through this awful time with so much grace, and insight. I don't know how you do it, in the midst of your suffering.
Wishing you the best in all things
Hermes
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You are SO sweet, Hermes. Your words felt so good to me. I can't tell you how soothing they were. Thank you so much. Love Ami
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"God Forbid, I would be a party to him hurting himself---either by omission or co-mission. I have to know that I acted with love and kindness, to the best of my ability. I will start, NOW."
Yeah. I think this is right Ami. It is especially your heart you must protect. You must protect yourself without harming him. When he is manipulative then perhaps you can withdraw or put an invisible shield around yourself for protection. Protect yourself without spewing hatred toward him. A difficult task but so important for your wounded heart.
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Oh GS,
I have made a commitment to myself and AM keeping it. I will not be the source of more pain for him. Today, he tried to fight with me and I would not engage..
I want to know that I acted in love ,to the best of my ability.
I am being honest about not wanting to talk about Scott and honest that I have anger toward him, right now, but I am not engaging in any fights , at all.
A fight does not occur with one person, so there are no fights.
I am at peace with this,GS.
I am not my H's judge or anyone's .
I just want to be free from my part of adding to my H's pain and grief.
Thank you, GS, for all your help. Just knowing you are there is a big comfort. Love Ami
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Today, he tried to fight with me and I would not engage.
That's the way to do it Ami. How did that feel?
A fight does not occur with one person, so there are no fights.
That is right - it is not possible.
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(((((( GS ))))) and ((((( Ami ))))))
Love, peace and joy, to you both.
Leah x
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Dear GS and Leah,
I am at peace with my relationship with my H.*I* know that *I* am acting kindly and I am at peace with it. I am seeing that you can only "control" your side of a relationship, not the outcome, or the other person's perceptions.
There is a peace in choosing how you will act and acting kindly, no matter if the other person wants to push your buttons. Your buttons are YOURS and that is a huge life lesson.
I want to transfer that lesson to other life areas. I see,from this situation,the lesson that Al Anon was trying to teach----detachment with love.
Ami
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Dear Ami,
That is so right, and true, we can only control ourselves, in taking ownership and responsibility, for our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, behaviours. Others, are simply out of our control, as that's where they belong, with themselves, alone.
Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
by Dr Henry Cloud, is a good book (supported with scripture).
This book focuses on four developmental tasks -- bonding to others, separating from others, integrating good and bad in our lives, and taking charge of our lives -- that all of us must accomplish, to heal our inner pain and to enable us to function and grow emotionally and spiritually.
Review extract .......... there is some real wisdom in this book. The pages on "separating good and bad" are priceless.
http://www.amazon.com/Changes-That-Heal-Understand-Healthier/dp/0310214637/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/105-4889724-2531641 (http://www.amazon.com/Changes-That-Heal-Understand-Healthier/dp/0310214637/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/105-4889724-2531641)
Love to you,
Leah