Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on January 29, 2008, 07:15:05 AM
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When I start to doubt that God loves me(which I do all the time), I have to remember last night. I called GS. She had the voice of an angel : kind, warm, harmonious, comforting.
I told her about Scott's last day, parts I had not told anyone . She told me that I had to stop blaming myself ,in order to heal. She helped me to forgive myself for not being able to stop Scott's death.
I need to turn away from the thinking that "killed him"--shame ,guilt, self hatred, condemnation.
I told her many of the supernatural experiences which have happened to me before Scott's death and after. She helped me to see that they WERE a touch from the Divine and I DON"T need to worry anymore or live in fear. I can trust.
I saw that I have to love myself b/c I have people to love, people whom I adore . When I was studying Counseling, they said that you are your "tool",as a counselor. Whatever you have inside you is what you bring to counseling.
What I have inside me, I bring to life.I need to honor God by believing Him.
Thank you, GS. I feel like I took a turn in the road and am walking in the direction of life.GS, I feel like light has illuminated my path. Thank you for your warmth and love. I will never forget your kindness. Love, Ami
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How are you today, Ami? I do so like your saying that you are "walking in the direction of life".
All the best to you
Hermes
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I have another friend whose daughter took her own life last August. This friend has always had a very strong faith and deep prayer life but these are difficult times.
I will never know how you survive Scott's sudden death but I do know that you will. Somehow you have been given the spiritual gifts you need to guide you to healing. Don't be impatient but have faith and knowledge that you will get there.
Love, GS
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((((((Ami and Gaining Strength))))))
Two lovely angels. love seasons
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Dear GS, Talking to you last night helped me to change direction from "darkness to light. I let go of self blame( the best I could). . I could see ,from your eyes, how I am being led by an Unseen and very ,loving hand. I saw it from your eyes and saw that it WAS true.
I turned a corner, GS. You helped me to see that I ,must be patient with my body and mind. Today, I felt better b/c my talk with you took the time pressure of healing off. You told me that it may take a year and I relaxed and did not feel so hurried to heal "overnight"
GS, I am so grateful that you are there. Thank you so much. Love Ami
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Dear Hermes and Seasons,
Thank you for reaching out to me with kindness and support. Your posts are little warm fuzzies that go in to my heart and really help!
Love Ami
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Dear Ami:
Yes, it may take a while, and it will probably be a year, maybe a bit more. Aside from the grieving stage, there is also much toxicity which has to be purged. That takes some time. The fresh air of better times will eventually start to open up your life.
Take care
Hermes
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Thoughts of you ((((( Ami ))))
and prayers.
"Shalom"
Love, Leah
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Thank you Leah . I appreciate the hugs and continued support and kindness. Love touches the heart,Leah.
Hermes, what do you mean exactly about time to let the toxicity go? Thanks, Hermes,for your kind words. Love Ami
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We all need support and encouragement but there is not time that anyone needs it more than at a time of crisis. Ami, I am glad that you are getting support and encouragement when you need it most.
Love to you - GS
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Dear Ami:
Any interraction with N is toxic, causes toxicity, much in the same manner as a kind of nuclear fallout.
I have read this described as "scraping off the sludge", the N-sludge. I think it is a very apt analogy. It takes time to get rid of all the sludge sticking to one, the toxicity. A bit like de-toxing, I suppose. It takes a bit of time, that's for sure. A slow enough process.
Hope you are keeping well today.
Hugs
Hermes
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That is a PERFECT analogy. I described this goo I felt I had all over my body and just like a rape victim I was trying to wash it away. Scrub. SCRUB! But it just does not seem to go away. Of course she was appalled at that. Either there people are blind to what they do or it is so ingrained into their personality that they could not do different if they tried.
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Yes, Overcomer:
".............or it is so ingrained into their personality that they could not do different if they tried." You are describing exactly what a personality disorder is. It is all-pervasive, and cemented forever.
All the best
Hermes
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And to try to reason with them is a lesson in futility. Every year I find myself in this place-maybe NOW SHE WILL LEAVE. And every year she stays-furthering our downward spiral. Futility. Goo. Jail. Never ending story. I nightmare you cannot you wake up from.
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Dear Kelly and Hermes,
My M was a true N when I was growing up(IMO). Now, she has N traits(many), but does not seem to be NPD. How to "explain" it, I am not sure.
However, Kelly, I have learned many things from all the phases with her. One is that I HAVE to beat her down. She will violate me and I have to get in her face. The difference ,now, is that she owns it ,after I beat her down. She didn't before. Also,when I was a child ,I could not beat her down.
Even when I was an aduilt, I was too weak to beat her down.
N's respond to strength. They are bullies and bullies respond to a bigger dog. After the janet thread, as I said before, I learned how to fight. I became a bigger dog with my M AND my H.
Kelly,it may be different for you with your job situation. However, I don't think your M would ever really fire you.
Maybe, you are not showing quiet, strength to her. With my M, I threatened to have nothing to do with her, the other night, when she seemed on the verge of betraying me ,again.
She backed down.
Your M seems much worse than mine ,right now. However,on the day that I beat my M down, the first time, a few months ago, she was in the middle of colluding with my H ,against me.
I guess that I am suggesting, Kelly, that you may try to get a quiet, strength with her and be the bigger dog. Maybe, she would back down ,like mine did.
Compost the whole thing,if needed,(LOL) Love Ami
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I agree w/Ami, Kel...
I think if you Mom sees that every time she pushes your buttons you go into a fury and yell and stomp and lose your cool, well then, she always wins.
If you could work up some detached responses to give when you feel the slightest button-press, maybe you could develop some new, calm responses.
Think that would help?
love
Hops