Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: CJ on July 10, 2004, 10:49:29 AM
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OK. I have to vent about this. Last night, I told my mother (foolishly) I couldn't go on like this, and that something I has to give. I have depression, but feel I'm breaking down, esecially in regards to stuff thats happened recently which I haven't resolved, and which I probably hold a lot of anger in about, and feelings (hidden even from myself). 4 Years (2 and a half in therapy) still staying at home.
I don't know why I said it, probably because I'm so desperate, even though I knew she was the last person I should have said it to (maybe I was playing games and expecting some kind of response/argument?).
Anyway. I started crying, genuinely. Immediately, I had to tell her what was wrong. I don't know what was going on. I asked her if she loved me, and it was like she started deflecting everything back at me. 'Of course I love you, what kind of question is that???'. Later it got worse, along the lines off suggesting that by asking her that I was in effect saying 'You don't love me'. 'Why have I stood by you all those years, if I don't love you'? Why does she find the words so difficult then? I'm not sure if I even heard them from her in all my life to be honest (I love you). I just couldn't sense any real compassion in her voice, shes so HOPELESS, and the things she was saying to me were so unhelpful. She said to me 'Will you look at me when your talking to me'. WHY?????? Why do I need TO LOOK AT YOU???? I am in distress, can you REALLY see that????? Everything she said was like games. Changing what I said to her into something 'against' her, putting words in my mouth. Patronising me. I turned my back on her, damn right I did. Her replies were messing with my head so much, I smashed my head off the wall twice to get her to leave me alone. After which of course she had to point out me turning my back on her to make me feel guilty. God I hate her right now. I don't give a flying **** about whats made her like this, I really don't. Shes pathetic.
Next stop hospital I'd imagine, because I can't face being there anylonger, and have no friends I can move in with.
I really felt justified in what I was saying, and my anger, but then later doubted it. This is the madness......I feel like I'm fighting against some conditioning. Then next minute I doubt it, and think I'm unreasonable. Is it me? Am I mad/unreasonable? Or is she? She wants me to talk to her boyfriend, but I'm reluctant. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
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Hiya CJ, hello again. I’m sorry about what happened. It sounds confusing and heart-wrenching.
God I hate her right now. I don't give a flying **** about whats made her like this, I really don't. Shes pathetic.
Good on you for writing this. Getting angry is important.
Next stop hospital I'd imagine, because I can't face being there anylonger, and have no friends I can move in with.
But you don’t sound as though you need to be in hospital to me. It sounds more like you need someone to talk to, who will listen to you. And not share your hurt your mother. It doesn’t matter why she responds as she does, it’s how it makes you feel that matters. You can only change how you feel – not her.
I really felt justified in what I was saying, and my anger, but then later doubted it.
This is normal. I think terrible things about my mother and then think I’m wrong. It’s a normal part of healing.
This is the madness......I feel like I'm fighting against some conditioning.
You probably are fighting against conditioning. Lots of people are, including me, you’re not alone.
Then next minute I doubt it, and think I'm unreasonable. Is it me? Am I mad/unreasonable? Or is she? She wants me to talk to her boyfriend, but I'm reluctant.
You don’t sound mad to me. Or unreasonable. You don’t have to talk to her boyfriend. So don’t! Keep venting, it’s good for you. :) P
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Thnaks Portia, and Hi again.
Cj
:)
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Hi CJ
Please hang in there. Keep looking for ways to move out! Explore lots of options. Try different organizations. Maybe you could meet more friends while pursuing a common interest and eventually find a room mate. Please keep trying. You deserve to move out.
flower
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Hi CJ. I know how you feel. You are not alone. You have every right to be angry by her manipulation. emotional blackmail, etc.
(maybe I was playing games and expecting some kind of response/argument?).
Or maybe you were crying out for what you need. Having needs is normal and healthy and don't let anyone tell you differently. But in our cases, we must learn not to expect if from N's because they *can't* give it.
What I lhave learned (relatively recently) is that when my mother said repeatedly some of the same things as your mother that she was just *playing me.* What was coming up for me - that I wasn't loved unconditionally -was my intuition giving me clues. It has taken a long time in my case but I am finally believing in myself and trusting myself.
I seriously doubt if you can ever talk to your mother about how you feel about her ways. She will likely see this as you separating from her - by having your own feelings - and she would see that as a threat and move in more...with her various tactics designed to get you to hate yourself, doubt yourself and bang your head on the wall. These Ns don't care about our happiness even though they lie and say they do. My mother had me fooled for a long time.
Changing what I said to her into something 'against' her, putting words in my mouth.
This is classic. Everything has to do with them. This is not your problem...its hers and is only yours if you make it so. Recently, I've formualated my questions to my Nmom in an almost scientific way to *research* what her response will be. Here is an example:
Nmom: "someone asked me at work today how you were doing and I didn't have a response. sad."
Me: "why were you sad?"
And she couldn't answer. Instead she told me that psychotherapy was not necessary for her ( :?: :?: ) and that she's found someone else that doesn't "cost a time" just her "belief and faith."
ALWAYS about her. How I would love to get a reply saying, "because I am interested in how you are doing and a little concerned. Please let me know that you are allright." Aint gonna happen.
CJ, I am with you. The sooner you learn what your mother is up to, the sooner you can separate from her craziness and heal.
Next stop hospital I'd imagine, because I can't face being there anylonger, and have no friends I can move in with.
There are other options besides the hospital. If we lived closer, I would let you stay with me for awhile. I know what it is like to feel like you have no friends who will help you. Hold your head up high and know that you have options. I also found that its helpful to write everything down that you are feeling especially if you are living with her at the moment. When I visit my mother and stay with her, I bring a big notebook and several pens because I know that I'll be writing out my anger.
And post here. :)
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Thanks for the replies. Still trying to work it out. I guess one thing thats on my mind is her reaction to 'that' question. And why she would need to get so defensive, and offended when asked it.
Rather telling maybe. *cough*