Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on February 06, 2008, 11:21:37 AM
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Hi Carolyn,
Just read this thread and see it is locked but wanted to thank you for your contribution to the ever changing N. I found this ever changing aspect nearly drove me to madness. The ever present living as if the rage of yesterday did not exist. BEing so co-dep I decided that I was unable to let things go and in fact was very bad for not just moving on. It was trying to live without any memory - a difficult task. Of course when the past/memory was denied it left me wandering in some sort of misty underworld where there were no signposts for anything. It was interesting how I was so willing to turn the lack of comprehension onto myself for such a long time..... of course it had to be about me, here was this smiling "happy" man who only wanted my happiness for me. Finding my voice and trying to pin him down was the beginning of the end. I would not let things go, I demanded explanation - which of course were not forthcoming but what he was seeing in the mirror was someone going mad..... not a pretty sight considering he was dependant on the mirror(me) to tell him who he was. It is so difficult to explain this to someone who has not had the experience. On the surface it is as if the N is this mature individual who does not bear grudges and wants to get on with life.......... but WE know what lies beneath. Boy but it is scary.
Thanks
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axa
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Dear Axa,
I'm sorry I missed this yesterday... Somehow, think I skipped past an entire page of the board!
The mood shifts of N are exasperating. With ex, I always suffered the isolation within his rage - and not so much of the screaming berserk-ness (although he was capable of this, as well). Then, he could suddenly flip over into "cutesy" mode at just the right time to cause me to think that just maybe he wanted to make amends. I was strung along by that for ages before I finally caught on that he never was genuinely sorry about anything... at least not sorry enough to stop himself from doing it again, over and over. (By "cutesy" mode, I mean a very infantile silliness which was sooo obnoxious!)
Here were the excerpts I'd quoted on the other thread, from the site....
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/12/is-npd-character-disorder-or.html (http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/12/is-npd-character-disorder-or.html)
Excerpt: (Re: Shame and guilt as the goad of the N...)
This is because people think they have to do it again tomorrow to prove it wasn't wrong and stupid when they did it yesterday. 'Well, did that prove it? Maybe not. Maybe I should do it again WORSE tomorrow and see what happens.'
And so, like serial killers, they keep pushing the envelope. They get worse and worse, giddy with what they discover they can get away with. If you get on that runaway freight-train ride, you DO become ill, in every sense of the word, including ill-willed.
And if you relentlessly twist your thinking, you WILL warp your mind. The mind needs to be taken care of like the body. If you abuse it to make it believe absurdities, it won't work right.
And another: Remember that narcissists do everything FOR EFFECT, not because it's a true expression of their thoughts and feelings. Never forget that it's ALL just an act. Every smile. Every frown. Every word. It's an act designed to manipulate a certain type of response from you (their mirror). For example, they will be a Democrat one minute and a Republican the next if it suits their purpose. Their rages are often just put-ons to intimidate and steer your behavior into the direction they want. It's not real. Yes, they may work themselves up into a fine fury, but it's artificial, so a minute later they've forgotten about it.
Truly, I think that the only "real" quality within NPD is that entrenching, permeating, all-encompassing fear of being revealed... of dropping that mask of perfection.
(((((((((((Axa)))))))))))) When they're operating at that level, I feel that our minds begin to actually try to warp in order to match theirs. It's as though our attempts to get into sync with this person for whom we have such love and on whom we feel so dependent thrust us into his alternate reality...
so I know exactly what you mean by having felt that you were bad for not being able to move on.
By that time, he'd already absorbed you into his little micro-cosmos. ugh.
What you say makes so much sense... we were trying to live without any memory! And that's impossible without giving up our entire identity and sense of what's real... of what it is like to walk on secure footing! N doesn't allow you to put together the puzzle into a pattern. He/she can call on your past "offenses" as evidence whenever he chooses, but you are required to utterly absolve him of any history, lest you be accused of dwelling in the past. Or worse - - you're the crazy one... he never said/did/meant any of that. "It was not my intention..." was one of ex's favorite bylines. "I believe that we each create our own reality" was another. Twisted wreck of a human being.
That supposedly mature individual who does not bear grudges will drive a knife into your back at the first opportunity. With this sort of person, you can absolutely be assured that whatever he/she says - - the truth is exactly the opposite. Always.
Ex always said, "I'll do everything I can to help you..." and at the end, he told me, "I want to keep you as my wife forever"...
No other words have ever given me a chill such as that. It matters NOT what they say. Murder is their intent... soul murder, at least.
I am so glad you are away from it and free, Axa.
Love,
Carolyn
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Oh, good grief, CB... we had that exact instance of making (or rather NOT making) a bank deposit.
Another of my favorite dumb examples is the great lasagna fiasco.
The more work and time I'd invest in preparing a meal for him, the more invested he was in diminishing my effort.
Once, it was a snazzy dish of stuffed shells, with all of these different cheeses and homemade sauce...
and N-ex said:
"You've got to taste MY lasagna!"
ohhh kayyy.... well, this was back in my clueless days,
so...
he was gonna make this heavenly dish - oh, yes, he was, he said - so I enquired re: the ingredients I should purchase and made a list - told him the stuff was all lined up ready for him - he seemed eager - yet it soon became apparent that there wasn't gonna be any cooking on his part on the appointed day - and so I asked (without any disappointment!!!!),
"Would you like me to fix us some x,y, and z?"
No, that didn't really appeal to him.
"Well," said I, "I thought you said that you were making lasagna today, so I'm not really prepared with any other big menu."
oh boy.
Sudden bluster of fury, complete with purple face... a royal huff... "I DIDN'T say WHEN I'd make it!"
and he never did.
Yup.
It's over.
And it ain't cuzza no bank deposit or lasagna.