Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on February 08, 2008, 08:40:20 PM
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I'm so close, so ridiculously close but yet so dad blamed far.
I've got all the pieces of the puzzle. I've got everything figured out. It seems that all I need to do now it turn the key - and yet ...
Either the key don't fit or it won't turn.
Tired of living in a rat trap. No one should live in a rat trap. This emotional feeling was set at an early age. I am working it free with EFT. That should have worked days, weeks ago. Still struggling.
Memory - Driving in car with mother at age 13. She said teacher had called about my school work. (I went to a small private school that my Grandfather, mother and later father were board members of.) I was expected to do better than I was. Gotccha!!! I felt shamed. And - I felt trapped. No one was going to help me. (Didn't know until 25 years later that I had ADHD.)
Not performing (failure). Teacher called (caught). Confronted by mother (outed - shamed). No help (no resources). Watched (pan-opticon). Observed for further assured failures - (cycle repeats and repeats and continues to repeat.) This is where I am and where I have been.
http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/Christconsciousness.htm
Yet for many fear has become instinctive. The body reacts, the emotions react, and the mind takes off in a thousand different directions, literally scattering and fragmenting one's consciousness. In situations like this, one needs to turn to love, for "Perfect love casteth out fear." One must, however, make this turn with gentleness and ease, which boils down to essentially meaning, without judgment of any sort. This is one of the trickier aspects of maintaining Christ consciousness.
The force of judgment is very powerful. For some, the judgment turns outward and gets thrown in another's direction. For many upon the spiritual path the judgment is turned inward. When this occurs, one is shaken out of their peace through self-judgment of one's own fear; instead of turning to love, self-judgment calls in guilt or shame. These are obviously not attributes of Christ consciousness nor can love blossom within a field of judgment of any sort. What I am in essence saying, is that in order to turn fear into love, one must first be willing to cast aside the judgment of the fear itself! Fear prompting one to judgments operates on very subtle levels, such as fear of dishonor in the eyes of humanity, fear of not being seen as you see yourself, fear of intimacy and so forth. It is a fact that people do not like to be judged. Looking at us as a race as a whole I would not hesitate to say that we live in constant fear of judgment.
Transcendence of Negative Ego Quotient
The sister quotient to the Christ Consciousness Quotient, so to speak, is the Transcendence of Negative Ego Quotient. Whereas the Christ Consciousness Quotient exemplifies GOD or spiritual consciousness in its highest capacity, the negative ego exemplifies lower consciousness, with all its attendant difficulties. For this reason, the transcendence of the negative ego is one of the eight major quotients. When dealing with the Transcendence of Negative Ego Quotient, what we are rating is our success in not operating out of the negative ego. In order to do this, however, one must first be aware of the negative ego itself.
This is that part of ourselves which operates solely out of selfishness, isolation, fear, and fragmentation, as well as embracing the entire gamut of lower impulses, tendencies and expressions. It is often the place from which the inner child is operating, without proper parenting. It basically functions from the level of the subconscious. This is not always the case, as many times, where people are third-dimensionally focused, it will openly operate and consciously choose negativity.
This can be seen in the conscious choices made that clearly lead to pain, destruction, hurt, harmfulness and so forth. In fact, in the third-dimensional world the ability to function selfishly is often deemed as an asset, even if that takes the form of consciously harming another being. The entertainment industry is notorious for using people as stepping stones, and the political arenas generally function shamelessly in the mode of the negative ego. These are but two very generalized examples. The truth is that the planet viewed from a higher perspective, functions almost exclusively from this negative vantage point.
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Tired of living in a rat trap. No one should live in a rat trap. This emotional feeling was set at an early age. I am working it free with EFT. That should have worked days, weeks ago. Still struggling.
Memory - Driving in car with mother at age 13. She said teacher had called about my school work. (I went to a small private school that my Grandfather, mother and later father were board members of.) I was expected to do better than I was. Gotccha!!! I felt shamed. And - I felt trapped. No one was going to help me. (Didn't know until 25 years later that I had ADHD.)
Not performing (failure). Teacher called (caught). Confronted by mother (outed - shamed). No help (no resources). Watched (pan-opticon). Observed for further assured failures - (cycle repeats and repeats and continues to repeat.) This is where I am and where I have been.
GS --
I've read a lot of your story from the member page but I have had a hard time relating. However, I can relate to "still struggling." I'm sorry that you are still hurting and still struggling -- I know, I thought that I would be over it 15 years ago. Some days are better than others.
This is what I offer people who are hurting and healing memories - compassion --- compassion --- compassion -- compassion ((((((((((GS))))))))))
GS - What is EFT?
Today people ARE going to help -- Ami will show up on this thread any moment now - just wait.
Love,
Lise
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What is EFT?
It's a crazy acupuncture points Tapping used to relieve physical and emotional pain by getting to the emotional source of all of our pains. You can read more about it at www.emofree.com. I have found that it has helped me get to some of the deep, buried shaming memories.
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Dear GS,
I can hear your pain and how you feel "stuck" in a cycle. I feel the same way. You sound kind of discouraged ,today, GS, I am the same way, about old patterns ,today.
S/times they feel so entrenched and so resistant to change. You feel,"Why bother, I will never break away from them?"
I am hearing that in you, GS> Maybe, I am wrong and it is just "me " who feels it.
I so ,understand.
The answer is "Perfect Love casts out Fear.". It is a promise, so we know it will work. However, really appropropriating the promise is the hard part.
For me, it is a shock to see how far down I have gotten--far(lol). It is scary to see how close I was to the edge.
GS, I got several points from your excerpts. One was that perfect love does cast out fear. The other is that fear manifests in many ways .
I will write more later, GS. Love You, Ami
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It's a crazy acupuncture points Tapping used to relieve physical and emotional pain by getting to the emotional source of all of our pains. You can read more about it at www.emofree.com. I have found that it has helped me get to some of the deep, buried shaming memories.
Dear GS:
wow -- I am going to look into this more. My T suggested something like this for me about 2 years ago.
Thank you,
Lise
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Ami - I thought of you when I read that website. Of course it is true that perfect love casts out fear. It lets me know that I am still stuck in the fear cycle. I don't feel discouraged exactly, I am sure that I will get beyond but I would like to be in a different place. I am so close.
I definitely need to work on forgiveness. And I definitely need to find more of the humiliation memories - the place where I was belittled and shamed for not measuring up and not given the necessary tools to fix the problem or improve and then set up to see if I would fail again.
I'm pretty sure this is the cycle that has repeated itself over and over. I do know the way out. It is the same thing I have known for some time and it is repeated from a different perspective in the excerpt above. So if I know what to do and I know why I am stuck and I am doing what needs to be done then it seems I ought to be free. There must be more work to be done. Change my thoughts - get out of the negative - move out of fear and related emotions and into love and confidence and faith.
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I have found that my recovery and freedom from all this stuff is like losing weight. I know everything I need to do to get the weight off-but there is a breakdown between the knowing and the doing. Several people seemed impatient with me because I have been going through the same things and never seem to DO anything. This is like the cycle you speak of. You go along doing quite well and then something happens and BAM you are right back in the middle of the thing. Something drags you back in
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Hi GS,
I'm sorry you're at a plateau.
Don't despair, it means nothing.
Steady on...the plateau may look broad but it's defined by its edges, you'll reach the end and be in new territory.
I'm skeptical of EFT but I'd think any soothing repetitive action might be a good way to work on oneself...maybe exercise would be more effective?
Imagine if you felt very strong, physically. How would that change your life?
(I'm preaching to myself, here...)
love,
Hops
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This is the third time I have posted a reply to OC and Hops. I can't figure out what happened to the first two.
OC - your words convey exactly what I was feeling.
Hops - I am skeptical about EFT as well but I have found that the process of making things specific has really helped me get closer and closer to some of the source struggles and that is worth an awful lot.
I am getting some clarity and I am finding some break through. The key for me has always been sustaining the break-through that I get and that is particularly difficult, but I won't be giving up.
To call my living situation clutter is a HUGE euphemism but it also falls short of infestation. This is the place that I am struggling the most.
In other parts of my life I am seeing outward changes begin to match up with the inner changes. I am definitely beginning to make friends, beginning to be included socially, beginning to have my thoughts and concerns listened to. I cannot discount that - those are very, very important. The thing I care most about is the state of yuck of my house and car but when I trust that it wll come and give up the fear and self-loathing then it will usher in more quickly. - a strange paradox and seeming double bind to me.
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GS: Are you saying that your house is a mess? When I went through my breakdown in 2002 I laid in bed depressed...........crying for months. My autistic child wreaked havoc upon the house. I didn't clean for months. My house was so bad. My h only added to the mess. He didn't help at all. I wouldn't let my kids bring friends over. It was embarrassing. Then we had a flood in the basement and we heaved all the stuff into the storage area so they could recarpet. My daughter went in there and started dumping boxes to find toys...................anyway, you get the picture. My house kinda reflected my state of mind...................a mess.
So when we bought this new house I took six weeks and went through all my junk. Donated. Had a garage sale. Donated more. Threw away. Now my garage is still full of boxes but I refuse to bring them in until I go through them and make sure that everything has a place and everything is in it's place. The shelves in a lot of my house are bare. I refuse to bring the junk in. I will go through every single box in my garage - one at a time - and unload them. All the pet stuff together. All of each girl's stuff together. All the tax stuff together......etc.
Is that what you mean by your house?? And also. Do you feel like I do??? You are going along strong as an ox and then one little demeaning thing is said by your N dad or my N mom and like quick sand.......................................help!! Fall into a pool of yuck....
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Yeah that's my house. 5 years ago my entire basement was infested with rats. no kidding rats - they ate the spines off of my leather bound books, that got into the ceiling that ate and defecated. then before the exterminator came the flood did and the mold. Walls of mold and then I got sick and then I had 12 months of deconstruction where everything and every wall and ceiling was torn out and only the bare essentials have been restored. So my house is literally torn up. Add to that the destruction of my son opening up boxes of toys and dumping them out. Add to that a cat who aged and began leliminating in anywhere. Now I need all of my carpeting replaced and the cat is confined to a very large tile room (too late to save any carpeting) and each time I clean up one area another is destroyed until I can't even do the basic of housecleaning.
I am breaking free from reacting to my Nmother and Nfather. That is a big help. I am getting coaching and encouragement from my brother, my T and my mother's aid to get the financial helpl from her that she has offered but resents and resists. But the house is topsy turvy and it is hard to find a place to start. Plus it touches all my shame buttons. So I have been working on bolstering myself with God's love in order that I might have that fear based shame cast out and move forward. Sitting like a bump does not stir up the shame dust - doing something about the mess does.
Thanks for your post. Each and every connection I make here and word of encouragement really does strengthen me. I am glad you have your mess contained. What you wrote mirrors precisely the process I went through to get here. At times I would send my son into my room because the den was so trashed with toys and then my room would be and back and forth. Oh that times would be better. Thank heavens I didn't have a grown person to add to the lot but my animals did and that is just the pits.
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I had one sat once-but two houses ago we were over run with mice. I think it is harder on us single parents and so when I met my H I was happy I would get some help-but the only thing he does without me asking is mowing. Sometimes snow blowing. The rest is me. He does not even pick up after himself so he adds to the stress. One thing I have done at the new house is hire a cleaning service. It helps me keep it picked up and they do the cleaning! Best $220 Per moth I have ever spent!
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For the past couple of days I have felt that something is shifting, like the iceburg is cracking.
I keep experiencing pockets of peace. Working hard to change thinking. Like to be connected here - it feels positive - real world feels negative. Want to break patterns. Trying to visualize the change.
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quote author=Gaining Strength link=topic=7062.msg114795#msg114795 date=1202918305]
For the past couple of days I have felt that something is shifting, like the iceburg is cracking.
I keep experiencing pockets of peace. Working hard to change thinking. Like to be connected here - it feels positive - real world feels negative. Want to break patterns. Trying to visualize the change.
((((( GS ))))))
How exciting ~ the iceberg is cracking and an inner sense of peace is emerging. I have a picture of a Butterfly emerging ........ won't be too long till the beautiful Butterfly is ready to fly!
Love, Leah
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GS,
Thank you especially for sharing this, I relate to this very strongly:
Sitting like a bump does not stir up the shame dust - doing something about the mess does.
There's something about the paralysis in the face of clutter and scary finances that is comforting. I don't know how to explain it. I too am forcing myself out of that comfort, and it disturbs so much "shame dust" I literally can't breathe sometimes.
I too am trying to understand it, to better break through it. I know there's something about perfectionism going on, and something about feeling so alone in my life, without help.
I am learning to ask for help until I find it. Last week, I emailed all my friends at church and said I REALLY needed two hours' help Sunday afternoon, and insisted that it be a barter...so I can offer someone else two hours of my time with something they'd like to not do on their own. A lovely woman from my Covenant Group came and walked me through Mom's accounts, we got it balanced, and it eased my mind so much.
But the filing is up to me. And that's where I go numb/escape/sit still to not stir up the dust.
I like that Chore Swap concept so much. Nobody to hire or pay, just a simple woman-to-woman networking of help with the tough places. I will spread the notion around in some way. I think it's a way of creating family. It's unusual in human history for so many people to live alone, and sometimes it goes swimmingly, and sometimes you're defeated by the storm doors, or 10 boxes of unsorted photos, or a wall of cabinets, etc. But to help someone else with theirs feels joyful.
If I were in your town, GS...I'd be emailing you!
love,
Hops
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One of the ways I get stuck is that by addressing something that is shaming actually intensifies the shame. As I work today on cleaning in my home I am deeply, shatteringly struck by the intensity of the shame. If I stop and do nothing the shame is moderated. That is the pattern of paralysis.
I must overcome this pattern. I am so close.
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something about perfectionism going on, and something about feeling so alone in my life, without help.
For me too. I definitely get this.
I emailed all my friends at church and said I REALLY needed two hours' help Sunday afternoon, and insisted that it be a barter...so I can offer someone else two hours of my time with something they'd like to not do on their own. A lovely woman from my Covenant Group came and walked me through Mom's accounts, we got it balanced, and it eased my mind so much.
This is brilliant. Why don't you do this with the filing. Invite someone over to tea and help. I find just having someone else present is a tremendous help. They don't have to file just be present and encourage.
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A good day. A good night last night. I felt things breaking through, things lightening up, as though I would be able to function more freely. I woke up and actually got up with out any struggle, a whole half hour earlier than usual. So my little boy and I got dressed and walked the dogs down to the village in the freezing cold for muffins and coffee before getting him off to school. It was a GREAT start to the day.
The normal fear of not functioning just wasn't there. Before school - we walked the dogs, got a muffin, had breakfast, I changed the sheets and did a load of laundry. That's a pretty good morning.
When I got back home I shut down again for a couple of hours but I identified and countered the negative thoughts and what do you know - I actually broke through and got to work. As I worked, I got bogged down in intense shame. I identified the problem and countered the negative feelings and kept working. I got a tremendous amount of laundry done. And then I got the things done for my little boy's valentines. We made some adorable pink and red elephants with hearts, folded in half for ears. Inside the hearts are stamped in pink ink cute little valentine's messages and my son's name. Then hidden inside the elephant belly are red, white and pink MMs. They are adorable and he loved doing them together.
It made my day. I am breaking through. I am hopeful. I am thankful.
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OH GS
I am SO happy to hear your progress. Keep writing and sharing ,everything. I want to go on your journey with you,out of shame. I have so much to share,but have to leave ,now. I will write later.
GS, you are doing it, you really are, you are taking the broken pieces of your life and knitting them together.You may stumble along the way,but you are using the stumble to propel you on. I was so happy and encouraged to read your post, today. Love Ami
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(((( GS ))))
Amazing transformation is clearly ongoing and your inner strength is breaking through that old 'iceberg' you mentioned that had crack, wide open, it seems.
So uplifting to read your account of your day, in overcoming, and rising up, over and above, those emtions, freeing and liberating, for your inner self. Truly wonderful to know this and sense it.
I was gladdened in my heart to read of the creative pleasure enjoyed with your dear little boy. Enjoy your day, with him.
Leah x
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Dear GS,
I am on a journey out of shame and "bad'"messages, as you are. Sometimes, you feel like you want to give up and give in. Sometimes, you feel,"Why try?". I am speaking for myself, here.
You inspire me ,GS, to keep on going. I am awaiting more chapters in your story! Love Ami
(((((((((((GS)))))))))
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More and more days when you can push through the shame...and go after things.
Including your joy.
SO happy to read this post, GS, I'm really glad you've found a piece of self-esteem.
Simply living, taking care of simple things like muffins...those are sooooo healthy.
And your cleaning is about the dirt, it's not about you.
So inspired and glad,
Hops
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Thank you Ami, Leah and Hops. This has been a really nice couple of days. I am close to actually looking forward to getting up. Things are definitely changing.
Thanks for your encouragement.
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Just a quick note because I am limited with time.
I am dealing with difficult things today. Things others wouldn't understand as difficult. Petty legal issues left over from my husband's death that I have been paralyzed to deal with. And some things with my father and some things with my mother and then off to pick up child.
I am thankful for the ability to access the strength and overcome the paralyzing judgment so long debilitating. I know tings are shifting. But in the past things have shifted and then settled again - stuck. This time I believe things are shifting permanently and then I'll be free.
It is hard to be hopeful but that is what I have been learning. Only with hope (oh I do remember that you don't believe in hope Dr. G) let me see - only with vision and changed thoughts will my reality shift. I am changing my thoughts and changing my reality. It's weird and doesn't feel right - so I have to overcome that sense. - later
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Dear GS,
I guess that as we go forward,we don't go in a straight line.
I see you, as going forward, very much so.
You may just be having a step backwards, which is probably part of the process. What do you think, GS?
I am going forward in a zig --zagging way, too.
I can see you going forward,GS.I really can.
Sometimes, discouragement makes us feel as if we ,really ,have not made progress.
I will write more on shame later. I am an expert in it(lol) Love Ami
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GS,
I was thinking, as I was sitting ,here, that s/times we cannot muster up love(or even regard) for ourselves. Sometimes, we feel downright badly about ourselves.
I think that we HAVE to reach out for God's love for us. People's and our own love ,for ourselves is fickle.
That is the thought that I felt that I was "supposed' to share with you,right now. Tell me if it was helpful to you,GS.
Love Ami
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My path has certainly been a zigzag. Even in my darkest days I knew that I can be persistent. That has helped me hold on. I'm thankful things are shifting for me again, thankful that I can get more and more things done and not just sit and hope that I can get things done.
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Have so much to clean up. I should take pictures and post them as a motivator but I think there would be too much shame. I am not producing but must push through.
I'm taking a challenge to post here later what I accomplished today.
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Please know that I shall look forward to your posting later on, GS
Leah x
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GS
I am just "looking ' at my room , which Ann told me to make beautiful before she comes back. Ann is out of luck b/c it is the same ole mess she saw last time(lol) Ami
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Here is what I try to do. I get a little five minute burst of energy. I go do SOMETHING. I mean even it it is unload 1/4 of the dishwasher, if I do that when I go back it is that much less I have to do. I think psychological trauma paralyzes you sometimes. I love what you did GS.....ask for help. I don't do that much but boy the work of three or four makes it go all the more quickly......
IDEA. Get two friends. All three go to one of your homes on a Saturday and do two hours of cleaning. Next week - friend two's house - the next week your house. So your house gets a thorough cleaning every three weeks. And if you are like me, you pick up before it is your turn.....
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Yeah that's my house. ....each time I clean up one area another is destroyed until I can't even do the basic of housecleaning.
.....But the house is topsy turvy and it is hard to find a place to start. Plus it touches all my shame buttons. So I have been working on bolstering myself with God's love in order that I might have that fear based shame cast out and move forward.
Dear GS,
I am so fearful of jumping in to your thread for a couple of reasons. First, because I am a newbie and have been away from the board for a couple of weeks because of travel and second, I am at my son's house which means I may be interrupted at any moment and I am afraid to start something I may not be able to finish or make a comment that elicits a response from someone, that I won't be able to read for several days, making it seem like I am rude, obnoxious and unkind for ignoring them. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I just had to jump in here because I have had many of the same "house" issues, and also I have been using EFT for about one month, and was just wondering to myself today, "I wonder if anyone else on the V&ES board does EFT?" I thought it rather a coincidence that you should mention it in your post.... I basically thought it (EFT) seemed weird, silly and useless at first, until I had done it about a week. How wrong I was! I got my information from a different website than yours, but it must be the same thing, the tapping and using verbal affirmations, right? I cannot tell you how much emotional sludge has been dredged up and out, since using it. I cannot comprehend why it is working? I have not been using it while on my trip and have noticed I am gradually slipping into old, unhealthy behavioral responses with my dil and son (fear of rejection, and approval-seeking behaviors, to name a couple), so took the time to do it this morning; it really helped me refocus! I would be interested in hearing more about your experiences with EFT (and anyone else's for that matter).
On the subject of your house, may I relate a few personal observations? I have long felt that God has used the physical state of my house as an object lesson to mirror the condition of my spiritual house. For example, when we first moved in years ago, the exterior of the house looked really nice and neat, but inside, everything needed complete renovation. I spent all my time and energy maintaining the outside because I didn't have the funds, time or energy to redo the inside and I felt the outside was what people saw and what mattered. I realized as time went by that the renovations done inside were often done cheaply and with inferior materials and did not last, like we did not really deal with the root problems properly, just plastered something cheap on top of growing problems, like the cheapest carpet, cheap paint, etc., "solutions" that were doomed to failure from the start. Finally last year we were forced to spend some really big money on some problems that were threatening the actual structure of the house! We have been gradually learning that only doing each job thoroughly and properly, with professional workers and good materials, will give the needed results desired! So analogous to my spiritual house! God seems to want me to allow Him the time and access to really renovate and properly repair my spiritual house, which was in absolute ruins, although I looked pretty good "from the curb."
Another thing I think He has been trying to teach me is that this earth is not truly my home and I am not going to find heaven here, just one huge mountain to climb, with the occasional opportunity to sit, rest and look down to see how far I have come. I think He wants me to finally realize that my rest, peace, perfection, acceptance, and everything else I have been searching for are found absolutely and completely in Him, and Him alone.
May you find peace and be encouraged, dear GS! Also, hello to everyone! Violet
PS, If I have failed to respond to anyone on this board and have made her or him feel slighted, I humbly apologize and wish it known that I would not intentionally ignore or slight anyone here. I find it difficult to keep track of all the threads and info on this board, I don't know how you all do keep track....
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((((( Violet )))))
sincere warm wishes and thoughts of you.
love, leah x
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Thanks Leah, Ami, Overcomer, and Violet -
Ami you said, "Ann is out of luck b/c it is the same ole mess she saw last time(lol)".
That made me laugh. When I was in shock and grief the last thing I could do was to beautify anything. Could you hire someone to help? I know you have a hard time making decisions. I remember that and perhaps getting someone to clean would fall into that catagory. Oh well. Ann is out of luck.
Overcomer - that's a great idea. I'm not quite to a stage where I could let anyone else come into my house. But I love you idea. We should all do that for each other for house cleaning and other things. Now that would be support.
Violet - what kindness you have demonstrated. What a kind post. I am so glad you took the risk. I meant alot to me.
Well - I did get somethings done. And I am pleased about that. The kitchen is much cleaner and I began to work on my car. I didn't get far but I am moving towards getting progress each and every day and progress is progress. "not enough" is a big trap for me.
It helps to post here. It becomes a kind of accountability without having to show my mess. Thanks.
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Oh I have been there. I never once had my friends over to my old house!
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We should have a "Can you top this"? thread about our houses!!.
Ann is coming, today ,and the room is the same. Rome wasn't built in a day:great procrastinating line(lol) Love Ami
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I wouldn't mind having extreme makeover come and implode my house!!!!! I've thought about that but then every now and then I watch it and the people whose houses they rebuild are so needing and so deserving. It is an amazing show. Still I wish they would come implode my house.
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My seesaw is leveling out a little bit. Today I set some goals about what I wanted to accomplish today. I addressed the two major things. There is more work to be done on them but I have done all I can for the day. Now I must set some other goals for today.
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Dear GS -- your steady progress is inspiring to follow ~ "well done you" ~ Love, Leah
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You are an inspiration to me, GS. You really are!! Love to You, Ami