Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Anonymous on February 17, 2008, 07:07:54 PM
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Hi Darren,
I know this response is not helpful, but my reaction was:
"Wow, how did you survive?" I can't even imagine living through that. I hope that therapy has helped you to get beyond your nightmarish childhood.
Too bad that there is no qualification process before someone can become a parent - like a test for mental illness, addictions, or other damaging behaviour. It's interesting that you have to pass serious muster to adopt a child, and pass a test to do so many other things. but any troubled person can have a baby, and there's nothing the baby can do about it. It's tragic!
Good luck.
Anon.
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Hi Darren,
I know this response is not helpful, but my reaction was:
"Wow, how did you survive?" I can't even imagine living through that. I hope that therapy has helped you to get beyond your nightmarish childhood.
Too bad that there is no qualification process before someone can become a parent - like a test for mental illness, addictions, or other damaging behaviour. It's interesting that you have to pass serious muster to adopt a child, and pass a test to do so many other things. but any troubled person can have a baby, and there's nothing the baby can do about it. It's tragic!
Good luck.
Anon.
Thanks for the response, they are always helpful as I don't receive much support at all. I've only invested two days in therapy and that was pretty long ago. I'm not so sure I actually survived it all, I feel pretty damaged.
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(((((((((((Darren)))))))))))))))))) Sending you hugs, Darren! Warmly, Ami
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Darren,
I read your story this morning and felt so sad. It reminded me very much of my own up bringing. I note that you are not in therapy I suggest you get a good therapist. It sounds to me that having your story witnessed by an empathic and caring person could be of benefit to you. I understand the need to withdraw, you have been taught the world is not a safe place, so was I but I have learned over time that there are safe people and it is possible to be in the world and take care of yourself.
I am sorry about your relationship, part of me doubts that someone with antisocial personality disorder could have been in a relationship, no matter how difficult that relationship was. I hear compassion in your voice. Please post here, looking forward to hearing from you.
axa
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(((((((((((Darren)))))))))))))))))) Sending you hugs, Darren! Warmly, Ami
Thanks, Ami! It helps a lot to be heard and get some sympathy!
Darren,
I read your story this morning and felt so sad. It reminded me very much of my own up bringing. I note that you are not in therapy I suggest you get a good therapist. It sounds to me that having your story witnessed by an empathic and caring person could be of benefit to you. I understand the need to withdraw, you have been taught the world is not a safe place, so was I but I have learned over time that there are safe people and it is possible to be in the world and take care of yourself.
I am sorry about your relationship, part of me doubts that someone with antisocial personality disorder could have been in a relationship, no matter how difficult that relationship was. I hear compassion in your voice. Please post here, looking forward to hearing from you.
axa
Thanks for listening, axa, and sorry it made you sad. I should finish off my story with some of my accomplishments and positive things. I have made some strides. There's a part of me avoiding therapy and medication, and also financially its not something I can afford at the moment. I'm sure seeing a therapist would do me a world of good. I was stuck without a voice for a very long time, but I have slowly been telling my story. A lot of people don't understand mental disorders and just don't believe that people can do some of the things they do, but I have found a couple of willing ears who do understand. Being so withdrawn makes it hard to bounce my thought off of people and receive validation, and I need to expand on it more.
As for my past relationship, I really don't know what label should be placed, but I do recognize things were seriously wrong. From what I've read of Narcissistic Personality Disorder she fit it too a tee, and because of the self harm and other issues it sounds a lot like Borderline. At times, there was a Bipolar aspect. The therapist I talked to agreed with me that it sounded like a lot of Borderline behaviors. On days when I'm extra resentful, I often think of her as a psychopath. You are right when you say you don't think its possible for them to be in or have a relationship, at least mine wasn't. However, I think she wanted to prove to everybody otherwise and wanted to pretend she could be... to be normal. Part of me was in denial. I do have compassion for her, and I feel sorry for her. She's disordered and couldn't really help her behaviors or how she saw the world. I wanted to help her but it never really worked out.
Thanks for having me aboard everybody...
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Darren
You sound like you have a "core" of health, to me. You sound like if you can just go within and keep facing the truth, that you can emerge,and be well.
I don't have a therapist. I have a counselor ,now, but she calls herself a 'minister. It does help to have a person, who has good sense ,to talk to.Ann has helped me b/c she has life wisdom, and that is really what I need.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I care and I am listening, Darren. Warmly, Ami
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Thanks for caring and listening, Ami! I agree, I do have something to work with. I've overcome plenty so I do have faith I can overcome almost anything if I put my mind to it. I just wish it was easier, and perhaps came with an instruction book to get it done.
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IF you find the instruction book, I want one, too!!!!!!
I feel that it is very hard,too, Darren.
keep sharing, Darren. Don't be a stranger. Warmly, Ami
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Thanks again, Ami. I have a feeling I'm going to have to write the instruction manual myself when I figure it all out, but I'll pass it along. I think I'm all shared out now, but I wont be a stranger... sharing takes lots of energy!
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Well Darren,give me a signed copy when you have it done.(lol) Love and Kind Wishes , Ami
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Thinking of you, today, Darren ! How are things going for you, friend? Warmly, Ami
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Thinking of you, today, Darren ! How are things going for you, friend? Warmly, Ami
I've been having some bouts of depression lately, which is different than the normal melancholy I feel. It tends to make me feel anxious when I'm feeling things I'm not used to feeling. But like was mentioned in another, I see it as an opportunity. I'm used to not feeling much at all, so thats probably a good time to face it and explore it and deal with it. I have this theory that my emotions tend to be really repressed and I kinda fight to keep them at bay. I think when I learn to stop doing that I'll be okay. That depression has left for the time being though, maybe because I'm keeping so busy at work. I probably need a hobby.
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I am sorry, Darren,but it strikes me funny that you may need a hobby. We ,always, want to run away from ourselves. *I* am RIGHT there,right now. Finally,I have to look within,inner space, URGGGH. I am afraid. I don't want to,but I know my freedom is there .
We can start threads on "Looking in Inner Space" as we go forward. I know another board member who is doing the exact same thing.
Keep your chin up, Sweetie. Warmly Ami
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Inner space can be quite scary. I remember when all this started for me a few years ago, it was like waking up from a dream. I don't think I had ever taken a look at myself, and when I did it hit me like a brick. I was surprised at all the things my brain had kept out of my awareness. I don't know how its even possible, but I was oblivious to all that had happened to me. I think I deluded myself into thinking I was strong and tough and made it all through without a scratch and didn't see how it all had effected me. I'm much smarter now, just growing up a little late I suppose.
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Growing up a little late---URRGGGHH!!! Me ,too(lol) Love to you, Ami
((((((((((Darren))))))))))))
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Just thinking of you,Darren. How are you doing, today? Working on our instruction manual???(lol) Ami
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Just thinking of you,Darren. How are you doing, today? Working on our instruction manual???(lol) Ami
I'm doing okay, its the weekend and I don't get out much. I'm weird in that I miss going to work cuz I don't have anything to do, does that make me a workaholic? I have mostly played with the cats. One of them has been looking incredibly skinny lately (she's always been tiny though) so I went to grocery store to try some new cat food. I think she needs to put on some weight. Now all the cats want some of the new food. I have a thing for cats, ever since my childhood. I think they were replacements for people or something. I tend to like cats better than people... BUT I do run across people who are almost as fun as my cats =)
My roomate/girlfriend is going to a play tomorrow, so I'll get some time alone. I really like my time alone, though I dont get it much anymore. I met her after my last relationship. She took me on despite me warning her about all my issues =) She's open minded and mentally healthy and doesnt have tons of issues. I don't feel crowded with her around either. A while ago something happened that kindof amused me. She has a lifelong guy friend who calls her rarely, and at very late hours, and he called and kinda started confessing that he had feelings for her. It is sad that their friendship has that problem, but it was my own reaction that interested me. I didn't care one bit. Its nice to have people in your life who you can trust, and not have to worry. My last girlfriend treated me very badly and even managed to convince me I was jealous and controlling... but now I know more that I wasn't the problem. Its nice to not be stressed out all the time.
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Dear Darren,
That is funny--of COURSE cats( and dogs) are replacements for people(lol).
I am on a new program which you might find helpful, too.
Instead of pushing away my thoughts( and feelings), I am embracing them(going IN to innerspace) and REALLY seeing what they are tying to tell me.
Right now, I am hurting(loss of my son, and just general FOO(family of origin issues),but it is still better to go inward than try to run away from yourself(activities ,etc)
MY guess with your g/f is that you were not(or did not let yourself) get deeply connected, so it really did not hurt when the other guy was interested.
Only now am I able to connect more deeply b/c I know who I am ,more.
I need to keep , accepting and embracing my thoughts and feelings, for myself and so I can connect with s/one else. Love to you, Darren Ami
(((((((((Darren)))))))))))
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That sounds interesting, I'm always looking for ways to get in touch with my feelings and emotions. I think I learned at a very, very, young age that emotions were painful and started learning ways to avoid them. I probably do the same for the positive happy feelings.
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I have been frozen, emotionally, too, Darren. I am slowly, "thawing out".It is scary to look at our thoughts and emotions. However, they turn out to be bogeyman(ghosts) when we face them(IME)
I am on the road with you! Warm Regards, Ami
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Just wanted to say "Hi " Darren, and that I was thinking of you! Hugs, Ami
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Just wanted to say "Hi " Darren, and that I was thinking of you! Hugs, Ami
Thanks, Ami! =)
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How are you doing, today, Darren? Ami
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How are you doing, today, Darren? Ami
I was feeling very depressed today, so much so that I almost even wrote about it =). I tend to keep my negative feelings to myself because I don't want to be a downer, or I'll start feeling like I'm making myself a burden to people. I know thats not really the case and people are there to support me, but negative thoughts are hard to get rid of. My boss called me into his office a few minutes ago for a meeting and I got a raise, so I suppose things are better. Maybe it'll kick in a little bit and I'll start feeling better. If thats not going to lift my spirits I don't know what will. =) I'll get through it though, no worries..
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Dear Darren,
Have you thought about discussing your feelings ,on the board. It helps to write about them and have other people relate and give you feedback. Consider starting small(lol) and then maybe sharing some more, after that.
I bet that it will help your sense of isolation. You could start with just talking about today and how you felt, as you went through the day. Love to you,Darren Ami
((((((((Darren))))))))))
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Dear Darren,
Have you thought about discussing your feelings ,on the board. It helps to write about them and have other people relate and give you feedback. Consider starting small(lol) and then maybe sharing some more, after that.
I bet that it will help your sense of isolation. You could start with just talking about today and how you felt, as you went through the day. Love to you,Darren Ami
((((((((Darren))))))))))
I think about it, but some things are tough for me to share. I hold so much in I think it'd overwhelm people to let it all out at once, or I'd just feel insecure about it afterwards and regret it and vanish. I suppose I have all sorts of excuses that keep me in the state I am that never really come to be. I'll see if I can't find some things to share in the morning... I'm a little out of it tonight and its late. Thanks for your encouragement =)
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Dear Darren,
IF you overwhelm people,it is OK. I have done that many times ,on the board(lol). If some people are overwhelmed, there are always those,like me, who will "get it". Consider sharing,a little, as I think you are. Warmly, Ami
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Hi Darren,
It's also okay to share minimally or briefly or only when you fully feel like it.
You are welcome as you are...talk when and as much you want.
I'm glad you're here, but no pressure.
best,
Hops
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Darren, hi it's Kim from Oz, again. I also, like to spend a lot of time alone. Mainly, because I can control the vibes around me. Ie, i can play music or not, I can vacuum or not, I can do the laundry or not. It is important to test your need for space from people as opposed to needing rest from the amount of energy that is circulating in your environment. I don't know where you live but I live in Canberra Australia, and I live in a peaceful cul-de-sac with no passing traffic, and lots of sounds of birds singing etc. That helps me be peaceful. I don't have to use an alarm clock because the cookatoo's in the big tree in the park wake at exactly the time I need to stir.
Being at one with nature makes me feel very peaceful. I have suffered with depression for a number of years and I am heavily medicated. I hope one day to not need the medication but in the meantime, I use it and it helps me get out of bed in the morning. Having no motivation was one of the reasons, I started taking mediation. I found that I felt a bit more energized. Exercise also helps as do having animals. I also have a cat, who has a real name but I call her "Chat" because that is one the things she does most of all and very loud. I talk back in chat language and she seems to know what I am saying. She is very affectionate and wants to be with me all the time, which can be a bit claustrobic, because she is a typical woman and doesn't shut up for a minute. I put her in the towel cupboard and she goes to sleep because it is warm and dark. When your cats sit with you if they do, allow yourself to enjoy the energy they give off. It might be the electricity created by stroking their coats or just the way they rub up to you. Cats are very soothing creatures.
I hope this helps a bit.
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Hi darren..................... I've been thinking about you since you posted on the other thread. I read your story today and felt a lot of sadness for you having to grow up like you did. It really wasn't fair in any way. You're not the only one who has lived in fear of door bells. I have felt that way many times. This year I have isolated in a way that i havent done in a long time. Most days i never leave and the other days i sometimes do things like get groceries or paint outdoors and work when i feel up to it. Mostly it's just me and my 22 yr old cat. I coped for so long by just shutting the world out. Thats the only place i ever felt safe. Thanks for writing James
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Wow James. You have a 22 year old cat. I never heard of that. You must be so attached .I have not had cats ,only dogs. I just lost my 13 year old Standard Poodle. What a bond I had with her. Now, I have a Yorkie,but I am bonding slowly ,for some reason.Maybe,it is b/c the loss of the Poodle was so great..
I am so glad that you are thriving on the board.It is wonderful. Love Ami
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Just thinking of you, Darren ,and wondering how you were doing. Love Ami
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Darren, hi it's Kim from Oz, again. I also, like to spend a lot of time alone. Mainly, because I can control the vibes around me. Ie, i can play music or not, I can vacuum or not, I can do the laundry or not. It is important to test your need for space from people as opposed to needing rest from the amount of energy that is circulating in your environment. I don't know where you live but I live in Canberra Australia, and I live in a peaceful cul-de-sac with no passing traffic, and lots of sounds of birds singing etc. That helps me be peaceful. I don't have to use an alarm clock because the cookatoo's in the big tree in the park wake at exactly the time I need to stir.
Being at one with nature makes me feel very peaceful. I have suffered with depression for a number of years and I am heavily medicated. I hope one day to not need the medication but in the meantime, I use it and it helps me get out of bed in the morning. Having no motivation was one of the reasons, I started taking mediation. I found that I felt a bit more energized. Exercise also helps as do having animals. I also have a cat, who has a real name but I call her "Chat" because that is one the things she does most of all and very loud. I talk back in chat language and she seems to know what I am saying. She is very affectionate and wants to be with me all the time, which can be a bit claustrobic, because she is a typical woman and doesn't shut up for a minute. I put her in the towel cupboard and she goes to sleep because it is warm and dark. When your cats sit with you if they do, allow yourself to enjoy the energy they give off. It might be the electricity created by stroking their coats or just the way they rub up to you. Cats are very soothing creatures.
I hope this helps a bit.
Thanks, it does help quite a bit =) I like living a solitary life and I think I always will; I will always want lots of space. I'd love to live out in the peaceful country =) I suppose sometimes when I think I need to change I picture that I have to be my polar opposite, but I doubt that'd make me happy. I just feel that I've taken my solitary a bit too far and its unhealthy, but I can accept myself for who I am. I don't think I need a whole lot of friends, but I need to learn to let at least some people in and not shut everybody out. I've noticed that being completely solitary causes some problems for me. If I don't share my thoughts with other people the negative ones tend to take over... I dunno... I can't seem to reinforce positive and good thoughts on my own. When you talk to people they can validate your thoughts and reinforce them and make them stick. I spent several years kicking myself thinking I wasn't good enough and hurting about things my ex did to me... it wasn't until broke my vow of silence that it just took a couple of people to get me out of that way of thinking.