Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on February 18, 2008, 11:20:07 AM
-
With the help of "wise counsel", I saw that I am in a Catch 22. I cannot make a mistake, act badly,do s/thing wrong,etc without my M,in my head,pummeling me, badly.
I had s/one come over ,today. I felt the familiar feelings of I HAVE to be and act perfect or a hand will come down from the sky and slap me.
I saw the problem ,clearly, though. This should be positive. I see that I am always running, trying to be perfect so I won't have my M,in my head, try to humiliate me, and I have transferred this fear, to the outside---- a big, fat BLEH. Ami
-
I feel the same. Almost impossible to relax and just be yourself. I really would like to get rid of the intruder(s) in my mind.
When you say you are always running, I can relate. I learned to do everything in a hurry, maybe before it was even asked or expected to be done. I became a clumsy guy, because I always had to try to do the impossible for my age, knowledge etc. I HAD to try to foresee what was coming.
All this just to please or avoid the anger/rage/disapproval.
-
Ami - I am struggling with the same thing. There's this standard I have to live up to - and I'm not even sure what it is 'cuz my family had so many hidden agendas - I was supposed to just "know". But I sure as heck knew what it wasn't.
For example, I've had to accept a job with Lowe's. I start Wed. I will have to hide this from my NM b/c that is not an acceptable job by her standards. Also, I have the embarrassment issue hanging over my head - if I do "anything to embarrass [her], she will write me out of her will. It's very tense for me. To add to that, I will have to move in with a friend in her tiny little house and put my furniture in storage b/c I won't make enough money at Lowe's to stay here, in my little house that I love. I will have to hide that also from my NM b/c she doesn't like my friend (whom I've know for 40 yrs) b/c she's fat - and fat doesn't fit into M's standards. Plus not having a house of my own doesn't meet her standards. Who knows - she may see both of these things as "embarrassing" for her and write me out of her will anyway.
For years I have not been able to be myself b/c I was so afraid of her rejection. If I did something she didn't approve of, it was curtains for me. It's even harder now b/c my brother still isn't speaking to me and I have no idea why. Boy, that triggers old tapes like nothing else. My dead brother hated me, now apparently my living brother wants nothing to do with me, and my mother doles out conditional love.
You are not alone.
Kate
-
Thank you Hardto trust and towrite,
I felt so much better after I read your posts.It is nice to knw that I am NOT alone. That helps take some of the sting out of it. Love Ami
-
Ami,
This is still a battle of mine, too... always comparing myself, my life, my home, whatever, to my mother's standards.
As fruitless as I know that is, it's like one of those programs running automatically on your computer, behind the scenes.
Ever try to shut one of those off? They're insidious.
Please don't lose heart, though... mostly I think it just takes lots of practice with people who are willing to accept you in all your humanity.
For what it's worth, you are welcome to practice being imperfect with me, any time.
Carolyn
P.S. ToWrite, congratulations on your new job!! I've heard that Lowe's has pretty good benefits and I think it's awesome that you'll be bringing home a paycheck soon... absolutely wonderful! You go!!
-
Oh Carolyn,
That was a sweet warm fuzzie and my heart needed it,today.
-
(((((((Ami)))))))) I'm really glad if I can help at all.
You know, external stuff - appearances, clothes, home decor... that's never been much of a hook for me, as far as my mother's ability to control my thinking. But relational stuff... wow - I still hear her tapes in my head... things like - I should control my husband, I should control all finances, I should run a tight ship - that sort of thing. Since I've failed her materially speaking, I think she'd at least like to see me be able to run my household... lol. Gee, I just can't seem to do anything right.
One of the last times I spoke with her on the phone, I mentioned a trip we might take at some point - and I started to list a couple activities available in this place that my husband and daughter would enjoy, etc, and... well, she cut me off and said - in this really sad tone - "I guess you HAVE to make sure there's something for EVERYbody"... as though that was just the worst thing in the world, to consider others and not just drag them all along someplace where I wanted to go.
o well.
Carolyn
-
ToWrite,
Will you be renting out your little house until they make you manager...or was it a rental?
I am trying to live by thesimpledollar.com; getrichslowly.com; thehonestdollar.com; daveramsey.com.
It has been a huge help to me to read these every day. Reminds me I'm not alone in struggling financially, and that it's NEVER too late to get excited about a goal.
love,
Hops
-
Thanks, Hops and Carolyn - again. I am renting my little house. I thought about asking the landlord to keep my deposit as next month's rent, thereby forestalling the inevitable. Can't make up my mind. Moving is so-o-o difficult.
-
Oh towrite,
I am SO sorry.Maybe ,I am wrong to say (or think this) but if your family can help you, I think that it is very cruel that they don't.
I am so sorry for your situation, towrite. Love Ami
-
May I post a somewhat radically different point of view, relating to the initial post?
-
Please, post away(lol) Ami
-
I see a slightly different way to understand this problem (“I can’t make a mistake”).
A few years ago I was watching an animated film when I was unexpectedly shocked by the story.
It was called Lilo & Stitch (ha!, you didn’t expect this one). :mrgreen:
There is a moment in the movie when Stitch, the artificially created animal/robot, isolated in an island with a lovely family, builds a small town only to destroy it. That was his purpose. He was programmed to do it.
I related to him.
I felt like I had heard so much that I was bad, that nothing that I ever did was good enough, that whatever horrible thing that happened close to me was my fault and so on, that I understood that I also had been programmed to be a monster. This is something so strong that after my brother and I grew up in a house with an alcoholic father and a N mother and learned to be the most introspective children, we had to listen to our mother saying that she “was afraid of us”. It took me a long time to understand the real consequences of that statement. Today I understand it as she was saying that I was a monster, because my own mother had to be afraid of me (emotional blackmail = don't make waves).
“He was designed to be a monster.
But now he has nothing to destroy.
You see, I never gave him a greater purpose.
What must it be like to have nothing...
not even memories to visit in the middle of the night?”
Sorry for my long posts, but what I am trying to say is that sometimes we grow up so guilty, so helpless, we carry so many accusations in our minds, that every time we fail, it is like we hear their internalized voices “SEE?!?! I TOLD YOU!!!” Every time we make the smallest mistake, ALL accusations from a lifetime suddenly seem correct.
So maybe it is not exactly that we have to prove that we are perfect. Maybe we are desperately trying to prove they were wrong, that we are not so bad, that we deserve a chance.
“What happened to your family?
I hear you cry at night.
Do you dream about them?
I know that's why you wreck things and push me.
Our family's little now and we don't have many toys but if you want, you could be part of it.
You could be our baby and we'd raise you to be good.”
We have been fighting to prove this our whole lives. And every single time we fail, it is like they were right. And if they were right it means we are as worthless as they made us feel.
“I... I...
Lost.
I'm lost.”
So, it might be one of the reasons we/our internal voices are so hard on ourselves when we make mistakes (distorted thinking, I know).
Forgive me for my long posts and ramblings.
Hugs.
-
WOW, Hardtotrust, I haven't had a Cheech and Chong moment for a long time and that was just one.
That post was so profound that I will need time to think about it. It was NOT long or rambling,but just right. Thank you so much for it.
Ami
-
Hardtotrust,
Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your post. Was just sitting here thinking... so what was I designed to be, then?
A lonely fake, like her? That's a sort of monster, I suppose.
Lilo and Stitch is one I've not seen, but I will now.
Why was she afraid of you? Because she could not control you?
Lots to think on here. Thanks again.
Carolyn
-
LOL, thank you, Ami.
Was just sitting here thinking... so what was I designed to be, then?
A lonely fake, like her? That's a sort of monster, I suppose.
Lilo and Stitch is one I've not seen, but I will now.
Why was she afraid of you? Because she could not control you?
You were designed to be God's best creation.
But the early programming... How can you change it? I have been trying... Some results, but not what I expected.
I don't think we were designed to be monsters, but they made us feel like it. Shame is contagious (Shame & Guilt - Jane Middelton-Moz).
If you watch the movie, the quoted scenes above will become clearer.
Yes, she was/is always afraid to lose control, not only of me, but the whole situation (meaning, the official version that she was the victim). She doesn't like to be questioned, thinks she was a perfect mother, my father was THE problem.
Thank you, Carolyn
-
I'll watch it this weekend, hardtotrust... thank you. Feels like there's more to grasp here than I'm able, right now.
But yes, I do see that shame is contagious... really, just like a virus. And if we "caught" it before we had words to express... that makes it even tougher to dig out and expose to the light. Claiming a new identity by faith is really only the beginning. Working it out is another matter entirely.
Also I completely understand the business of your mother's "official version". Same here... Dad is cast in the bumbling idiot role... as long as I can remember. And he willingly plays along... to a point... taking his frustration out in various forms, including drinking, and - in the past - by belittling me. I'm able to question him somewha... and I remember once, long ago, he mumbled something about not having been the greatest father, so I guess he has some awareness... but her? Like a rock.
Again, really appreciating your posts.
Carolyn
-
Dear Hardto trust,
It is great having a new voice to add to our dialogue!
-
We have been fighting to prove this our whole lives. And every single time we fail, it is like they were right. And if they were right it means we are as worthless as they made us feel.
We know in our minds intellectually that this is a lie. We know in our minds intellectually that no one is perfect, so we don't have to be perfect and in fact cannot be perfect. Perfectionism is a symptom of the disease- (See The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller and so many other books and writings on this subject)
So, now, we have to accept into our hearts and souls that we do not have to be perfect. Once we accept this in our hearts, then we can learn to love ourselves and then we will feel less pain.
-
Dear Ann
The KEY is accepting that we don't have to be perfect in to our hearts and souls, beyond our heads. For me, I need to get these deep truths in to my heart and soul. You are so right about that.Thanks for your post, Ann. Love to you, Ami