Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: axa on February 21, 2008, 08:45:59 PM
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WOW - Just figured something out.
I have felt angry for so long it began to hit home after I had been with XN for about six months. I have only now discovered what it has been about. When I met him I had reservations. He was very charming, smart and funny. We had little in common other than we could make each other laugh and liked Art House movies. It took me a long time to commit to him. When I did, I did so knowing I was settling for something less than I wanted. I kept dismissing this thought and tried to make the best of it, rationalising my decision with "I expect too much..........nobody is perfect etc"
I could not figure out what my anger was about and its so simple. I have been so angry with myself for not trusting myself. I don't feel angry with him anymore because he is just a creep but have been projecting my anger onto him because I did not recognise I was angry with me. This is major for me. Knowing this right now has diminished my anger towards me also. It feels like a significant piece of the puzzle has at last fitted. I don't intend beating myself up over this but it has been staring me straight in the face but I have not seen it until now. Boy, but this process does take a long time.
I have understood, in theory, that when I feel so strongly about someone, it is usually a reflection of some part of myself I am not owning but I just could not put this together with my feelings. I have paid a big price for not trusting myself, both by being with XN and also enduring the constant anger towards myself. Feel like I have just dumped a load of baggage.
What a relief
axa
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Dear Axa,
You are on a roll! Rejoicing with you in this relief of a burden...
and now, just imagine what you could accomplish without that underwire :D
Forgive me, please, I'm gettin punchy over here... tgi(almost)f!!
Love,
Carolyn
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axa,
Please keep sharing your ah moments. I need them. I've fallen and can't get up! Well, not physically, but in a lot of ways I have emotionally.
Loving it that you're chugging along at a nice steady speed.
tt
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Boy, but this process does take a long time.
Amen brother, Amen
Feel like I have just dumped a load of baggage.
I'm so glad you have had this breakthrough. It is well deserved. and I hope it is just the beginning. - your friend - GS
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Oh Carolyn think I will stick with the underwire.......it has served me well over the years!
TT
Trust me it does not feel like a steady pace. I had almost accepted that I would carry the burden of my anger to the grave but something really shifted for me yesterday. I had felt huge disappointment that I could not get past that anger which weighed me down. Yesterday I was involved in a workshop of Theatre of the Oppressed, just an introductory session and wonder if this was the kick start I needed. I don't know if you know about this form of theatre but it involves everyone in the room/audience. Something I was asked to do was to use another person to "sculpt" what oppression looked like. I moved the person until I was satisfied that the pose they adopted represented my perception of oppression. Interestingly her mouth was open with her fist stuck in it. At the time I did not feel anything spectacular but it was as if my brain engaged in another way and shifted me along the road. I tend to be a very "head" type of person and this seemed like another form of expression which more creative. Anyway, why it happened and that is what I am most pleased with.
GS xxx
Izzy. I think what you write is so smart "the anger toward someone else hurts only us" I know, I know, I know and I don't know, I don't know, I don't know....the paradox! Not at all convoluted..........to my scrambled brain you make perfect sense LOL.
Many thanks
xxxxxx
axa