Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on February 23, 2008, 01:07:13 PM
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I got a gap in my "dances with my M and H enough to see the pattern more clearly. The 'gap" was a little bit of self love. Oh, if they could bottle self love for all the hurting people(lol). For me ,I have had most everything in my life EXCEPT self love. I have had some ,in my life,but not for long.
Living w/out loving yourself is like living in the most barren place, gray,and sad.
I got a gift of s/one loving me and I started to love myself,a little.
Yesterday,I was talking to my M. She wanted my "help" on a problem, After I gave it, I started getting a stomach ache(which is some stress that I can't handle) and I realized that she was starting to abuse me,probably b/c she got "one down" b/c *I* helped HER.
So, I said good -bye
Today, my H raged . I left the house .
He is still raging, emotionally . I am not dancing ,anymore.
Inside me ,now, for the first time ,in a long time, I WANT to live. I want to thrive. Ami
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She wanted my "help" on a problem, After I gave it, I started getting a stomach ache(which is some stress that I can't handle) and I realized that she was starting to abuse me,probably b/c she got "one down" b/c *I* helped HER.
So, I said good -bye
Yes, I know this one so well, Ami... a real hallmark of perfectionists (which I am beginning to believe most N's are, whether they keep that hidden or not).
Good work in actively applying what you're learning, Ami!
Love,
Carolyn
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Good for you Am! sometimes it takes success or someone elses love to remind us we can love ourselves. I am glad you are experiencing love enough to give you a bit of your own.
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My H started raging b/c he wanted to take the computer in to the store(panic). It seemed to be fine, to me.
When I said this,my H started raging b/c I am on the computer all the time(no joke-lol)
However, when he rages, your whole "sordid' history comes out(lol). So, I simply left the house.
He blames ME for all the woes . Really, my H drove Scott off the deep end. I did not leave ,but I did not destroy Scott. I SHOULD have left,but my H would still have been his F.iI don't know .It is an endless ball of yarn.
For me, I really do want a certain level of respect and won't tolerate less. I have been through too much and s/thing in me changed.
I realized from my M abusing me last night that I MUST love and honor myself. I "knew" this as a kid. I 'knew" that my M was nuts and my F was a wimp, so *I* was left and I better develop a 'hardness"(strength) about being in my own corner.
Last night, when my M abused me, so effortlessly, I "realized" again,that I MUST do what I did as a kid, look out for myself,first.
So, I have changed.
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Thanks so much for replying Carolyn and Kelly.
I feel so lonely and it was so nice to see your replies.
It is so funny about self love. I tried to get love from the outside by trying to look good enough(buying clothes, make-up etc). I tried to be "good enough" by getting a good education. I tried people pleasing, approval seeking, codependency.etc and I even "tried" to get God's love but *I* could not let it in. It was there,but I could not "recieve" it.
Now, I recieved an external source of love and s/thing in me shifted, and I can love myself, NOT based on the external source, anymore. I saw that *I* was lovable( a little-lol) and my 'life " seems to have shifted, a little. Love Ami
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Ami, you have other computers, right? I mean, if he took that one to the store, you'd still be able to be online all the time, wouldn't you?
I'm asking because the first thing I wondered was whether he might have been picking a fight with you even by mentioning taking the pc to the store. That's a familiar scenario to me, from days gone by :?
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Dear Carolyn,
My laptop is in the store,now,but my son's have computers. I am "stealing" my older son's until he comes home from work ,screaming for it.(lol)Scott has one in his room, with all his things,but I have avoided getting it.
Thanks for your kindness , Carolyn. Love Ami
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Dear ((((((( Ami ))))))
His courage and strength is evidently within you, which is what you asked for.
I identify with the computer question. My exH used to make all sorts of excuses to keep me from searching for information!!!
I am so proud of you that you "walked away from the table" ... his table of ranting, and left the house.
Love to you,
Leah
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Thank you ,Leah, so much Love Ami
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Dear Ami,
If your laptop is already at the shop and your other computer seemed to you to be working fine, then I cannot imagine what was the big urgency to leave you dependent on your son's computer right at the moment, you know?
There's alot of stuff I can tolerate and be patient about, but don't mess with my computer... LOL
((((((((((Ami))))))))))
I would not want to get into Scott's stuff just now either. I believe that you'll know when the time is right and not need anyone to rush you into that.
Love,
Carolyn
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Dear Ami,
Does your husband use the computer/laptop also?
Leah x
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Dear Leah,
He uses the desk top, which he just brought in to the store. My laptop is in the store,now, also.Thanks for caring, Leah. Love Ami
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(((((((((( Ami )))))))))
Hoping the store carries out the maintenace promptly so as to alleviate any stress for you.
Love, Leah
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Hi, Ami,
Just a note... I have no idea whether or not your husband was trying to pick an argument with you or set you up re: this whole computer thing. That's just something which popped into my head because it's how my ex-husband would behave. He went so far as to cut our phone lines, back in the day when we had dial-up... and then blame it on the dogs... lol. Yeah, I can laugh now, but at the time, it was sooo not funny.
Anyhow, I surely don't want to color your view of your own husband, as that may have been the farthest thing from his mind... and I know that he must be under a great deal of stress and pressure now, as well.
Love,
Carolyn
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My H just left the house ,in a rage. I think that he is going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce. I am so tired, physically. I feel like I have 'mono".
I just want to get well,emotionally and physically. The truth was that my H kept trying to turn Scott against me for Scott's whole life.Scott could not take that my H "took him" as an ally(IMO) I have lost my wonderful son . My H does not own any of the behavior leading up to Scott's death---any behavior to anyone. I just want to be left alone to heal, but my H can't do that.
I just wish that I was not so tired.
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Carolyn
That is so funny. The dogs get blamed for everything(lol)!! Love Ami
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Ami,
Has your husband sought any counseling for himself in order to go through the grieving process?
Hugs,
Carolyn
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He is seeing Ann, separately. Carolyn,my H wants me to "warm" up to him and I can't. That is why he is raging b/c I CANT do it. However, maybe it is just an abusive nature that will rage against anything. I bet it is this.
Carolyn, I NEVER imagined life could be this hard, never, ever.
By trying to avoid the harshness of life(not getting a divorce, staying with s/one I really did not like) I tried to avoid pain and instead brought it down on me like a torrent.
PS I am going to the gym, the one addiction you can have that won't kill you(LOL)
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Dear Ami,
I understand.
Since you are both seeing Ann individually, maybe she can tell you when, and if, it may be time for the two of you to see her together, as a couple.
If you both had that to look forward to, for some time off in the future, maybe your husband could just back off for now and focus on his own independent healing, instead of trying to use you as a crutch.
What he needs he can only get from God... and then, and only then, can he come to you as a whole person. And it's the same for you, of course. No man, including your husband, can make you whole again.
Amazing things can happen in the midst of tragedy and God can stir up a whole new outlook on life and people... when we're willing to hear Him and act on His guidance. I'm believing that for you... and for myself :)
Love,
Carolyn
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(((((((((((((((Carolyn))))))))))))))
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Thank you, Ami :) I hope that didn't sound too bossy or like I was speaking from atop Mount Sinai or something... just when I get to thinking about these matters, a whole other tone comes over me and sometimes it comes out a little like preaching... lol.
Tomorrow I am going to worship with a new fellowship of believers, so I am very wound up and excited about that... after several years of primarily associating with an internet fellowship (due to distance). It's been kinda like 3 years in the wilderness, receiving teachings and being prepared for... I dunno what. We shall see!
Love to you... and I hope things have calmed down at home.
Carolyn
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They have , Carolyn, BACK to same old(LOL).
Hope that you have a good time tomorrow and tell us about it. Love Ami
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Dear Ami,
Thank you so much... it was absolutely awesome! Just exactly like I picture the first century church would have been.
I want you to know, too, that every part of my religious upbringing goes against the notion of "having a good time" at church... LOL. Until you said that you hoped I'd have a good time, it never really hit me so loudly and clearly - - how stuck I still was in some old thinking ruts. It's almost like - by expressing your simple wish to me - I was given permission to actually enjoy myself :D Might sound weird, but nonetheless, it's true!! So... thank you!! :D
((((((((Ami))))))))) I hope that you're having a blessed, peaceful day.
Love,
Carolyn
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Oh Carolyn,
THAT is so neat that you changed your paradigm about Church. You should check out a Messianic Jewish Service if you want to see a really "good ' time, There is music and dance, that is very joyful.
I love to go, not "have " to go. It is one of the highlights of the week.
Afterwards, they have a pot luck and everyone talks
It is neat b/c there are all denominations and races there.
Onward and upward to good times in church(lol) ! Love Ami
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I would love to go, Ami... the way you describe a Messianic Jewish celebration of worship reminds me immediately of King David dancing in the streets and praising the Lord for the victory. Beautiful!
Where I live, in the midst of cow pastures, there is no synagogue available... but whenever I get back to the big city for a visit, I'll surely explore the options. I love this area and our rural setting, but it definitely lacks in diversity!
Onward and upward :)
Hope you've had a good, peaceful day (((((((Ami)))))))).... and thank you for your support and encouragement.
Love,
Carolyn
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Thank you, Carolyn
((((((((((((Carolyn))))))))))))))))