Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on February 25, 2008, 11:41:32 AM
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I started this post earlier and it would not post for some reason. So I am going to start over.
I am trying to get unstuck about some psychological gymnastics that I went through as a young person.
This morning I woke up struggling with so stuff my mother put me through. She would tell me she was going to do something and then shame me when she didn't follow through. She still does that. Now I know what is going on and can put an end to it. Then I didn't and am still stuggling to undo the damage.
Now I have my mother's sitter who tells me weekly about some of my mother's unbelieveable behavior. Some of it pointed at me and some of it just her daily stuff - most of it just ridiculously shocking or appalling.
Now I have my oldest brother in support with me. That makes a tremendous difference.
I know that muchof the disheveledness - both physical and psychological - is tied to the psychological craziness I took on as a child. I am determined to undo that Gordian knot and hope that I can work it through here.
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The Gordian Knot is a legend associated with Alexander the Great. It is often used as a metaphor for an intractable problem, solved by a bold stroke ("cutting the Gordian knot"). - Wikipedia
what a beautiful image for such a worthwhile task
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Hi GS - I just want to put in a general vote of support and encouragement for your endeavor. I fully believe you can and will undo that knot and walk free.
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GS, you are an inspiration to me. You have a deep inner strength, which you have mined,in the past and is there for you, now.
You give so much to others. Your place in the world should be one of self love and peace. Anything less is NOT you or part of you. It is lies and you should reject it.
Love Ami
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Thanks for the support everyone. It really makes a difference. That is what I so love about this board. There is no where else in mylife that I can receive such encouragement and so immediately. I am truly thankful.
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((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))
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That image of the knot - for me conjures up some real reverence about the magic that a mind can evoke as a child in order to deal with, make sense of the nonsensical and otherwise damaging life experience we have. It's awe-inspiring how resilient and creative a mind can get when faced with "do or die".
I know those psychological gymnastics are a pain once we get to this stage when they're more of a hindrance than a help, but back then when we were 5 or 8 or 12 years old...wow...magical inner stuff takes place so that we can keep walking through this world.
Kids are little miracle workers.
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Oh, you touched on something that's only just been uncovered in my own make-up Phoenix. Except the rebel in me that was born when I was 9, said "take that" back then, she says "F you" now. The problem for me is, there's strength in that for me, that feels like a warrior or battle cry to me, so I'mn not yet willing to give it up, but I'm starting to hold a space that it might be necessary in order to move forward.
(I hope you don't mind me jumping in, it's a topic close to my heart these days)
What is the state of that reality for you?
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Dear GS,
There are many different ways to have one's dessert before dinner...
would a little exercise in such impractical silliness help to loosen that knot?
Allowing a current event/treat/pleasure to be absolutely unhinged from any other event, past or present? No shame!
Love,
Carolyn
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No PR but I certainly understand how that can emerge.
In my case it was running smack dab up against seemingly immovable barriers and unable to overcome them. The problem was that my parents put up barriers that weren't real, saying something was impossibloe that wasn't and I would either take their response or have to take their response - either way the result was the same. And for the most past the shaming trapped me. Much of the time I did not even realize that I was shamed. I have only begun to unravel the problem. So much of it took place on an unconscious level.
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GS,
You've done the hard part already - figuring out where the problem is and what you want to change. I am so often stymied by that. I know something is wrong, but I am not sure what the problem is or how to fix it!!!! So a huge congratulations and a cheering on from me as you attack the knot.
Love, Beth
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Dear GS,
I think that you are talking about "shame".Probably "fear" is below shame.Probably fear is the deepest emotion(negative one),in our cores.I have so many levels of shame(fear). Sometimes, it seems "never ending' to get to the place of self acceptance. Are you saying this?
I think that the answer( and I don't do it very much -lol) is to give up to God and accept that "perfect love casts out fear". I DO find peace when I give my "issues" up to Him. I realized that I have been trying too hard,on my own, to fix myself.
He knows HOW I work, better than I do and he can go in and be the 'mechanic".
I have had some times of peace in my life. The true self acceptance comes when we realize that He loves us , as we are. I NEED to tell myself this, ALL the time,GS, and I fail to follow it, most of the time----bleh. However, I know that it contains the answer. Love You, GS, Ami
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GS you wrote: In my case it was running smack dab up against seemingly immovable barriers and unable to overcome them.
I have that exact same experience. I look forward to discussing it with you and hopefully we can come up with helpful and/or freeing discoveries.
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gratitude - I do think I have figured the problem out but I have NO idea how to fix it. In my experience it is sort of a process of now waiting for the fix to reveal itself. But I struggle in this inbetween time. I am tired and find myself without any resilience so small things like the e-mail about none of the mothers in my childs den would be attending (completely ignoring that fact that I was going) knock me for a loop instead of my just letting it roll off my back. In this place each and every thing knocks me low when in reality they shouldn't even show up on my radar. So blips feel like mountains and mountains well - I just give up and lie down.
Thanks for that Ami. You are right that fear usually underlies shame. Shame was so omnipresent and used in such a variety of means in my growing up and most of it subconscious or unconscious so that unearthing it is difficult. And when I think I've done the work I have come to realize that there is so much more to unearth.
Iphi - I would love to work on this together. This barrier stuff is so important for me to deal with so that I can move forward. I will try to write more specifically about this in the next day or so. I have watched people I think of as successful and they seem to have the capacity to take on barriers and find ways to overcome them - barriers for them seem to be challenges instead of be overwhelming. I think it will be very, very important for me to be able to adapt that mindset - to take on a challenge rather than give up in exhaustion and frustration. The giving up was a pattern established when my parent did have controll but they no longer do so that experience for me is clearly more psychological than real.
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GS,
I understand about things knocking you for a loop, and knocking you low. As far as undoing the Gordian knot, I have seen you use the bold cutting stroke that DailyMail talked about. You readily write to sever the knot for others and it will be wonderful for you to apply the same techniques for youself. You have both untied and cut knots for me, so I will look to you cutting them for yourself, too, with the same caring, valiant effort you give to others' knots.
Easier said than done, - how well I understand that, also. Sometimes I sit and look at all the bindings on the floor around me, rather than realizing I am no longer tied. Sometimes we have to get used to freedom.
DailyMail- just wanted to say I love mixed metaphors, and watching merengues! I enjoy your writing.
GS and Iphi- I will be looking forward to your discussions.
cats paw
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Thank you so much Cat's Paw. I have been posting for some time now (a month or two) that I feel so close to some kind of a break through and yet I don't seem to get there. Perhaps I am being impatient and things are stirred up so for me now because I am in the midst of change. I do hope so. Today I am wearied from the struggle. I just want to reap the fruits of working for change.
I am appreciative of your encouragement. I do get encouragement here and I am truly, truly thankful. It really helps. It is th light in the midst of darkness.
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(((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))) You are an inspiration to me, and I am sure ,many others. Love Ami
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Hugs, GS...
in a way, feeling so close to a breakthrough is a breakthrough in and of itself, I think.
It's a sure sign of hope... and that's a quiet, yet giant, leap out of desperation and paralysis.
Love,
Carolyn
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I had a conversation with my brother this afternoon about my mother. He made a point that was something I have figured out many times and yet need to relearn. I have been applying rational arguments to her behavior - she is irrational. The two do not mix.
She is irrational and she makes contradictory statements and when these are pointed out she completely denies it. Plus she lies and when confronted with the evidence she still denies it. It is absolutely crazy making - crazy, crazy, crazy. Add to all that that she sees me as her arch rival but is in complete denial of this too.
Just a mother from hell.
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yesterday I finally understood something that I have been struggling with. I knew that I am working through more and more shame issues but I also knew that I had a major break through this time last year and I could not make sense of those seemingly contradictory concepts. Finally yesterday I understood that since I made the breakthrough I no longer get shamed over the old stuff but I still have the old shaming memories to work through. In other words, the shaming mechanism was still in place until last year and my contemporary actions were still shamed by the mechanism. Today, I do not experince shame for my current actions but I have not worked through the old stuff.
I am very glad to have understood that. It helps me to understand that I really did make a breakthrough and that it was valuable. I was beginning to wonder.
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Hi GS - are you saying that you need to learn new ways to do things now that your actions are not dictated by the shame?
I can very much relate! I have whole areas of life that are sort of lunar landscapes. There is a huge upside potential for building into the future! But on the other hand, it does represent a lot of labor too.
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Dear GS,
Could you please explain your last post,more specifically? I would like to know how you do not feel shame over current things(if I have read your right) ,but still do over past things.
I need help with the shame issue, so am intererested on your process of healing, dear friend. Love Ami
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Yes I will try to be more specific later tonight when I have more time. Thanks for asking.
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HI GS, my love goes out to you. We have so much in common.
One question, do you think you have to forgive your mother? I have come to the conclusion that my mother is so cluless, lack of insight, lack of awreness, that I do not even have to forgive her, she is just a zomby. She is like she does not exist. I am sorry about my and your sircumnstances, but I do not feel resentment anymore. How do you feel? I just feel very lonely. And you?
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Here's a quick response with a more detailed one later - (have to pick up child)
I definitely have to forgive my mother. Forgiveness is for me not her. When I finally accomplish that I will no longer be bound by that dark, negative energy. Hardness of heart hurts me not her.
My mother is clueless along with mean, manipulative, pitiful, passive/aggressive, completely lacking insight and on and on.
Thanks for you post. I promise to take more time a little later. - GS
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Allright Ami - here is the best I can do.
Last year shame seeped into absolutely every single thing I did. Everytime I took on a project, I felt shamed. It was unconscious. I did not know it was shame but I knew that I felt that what I was working on was not going to be good enough. If I was planning my sons birthday party, if I was buying a birthday gift, if I was preparing Thanksgiving dinner, if I was doing anything like that I knew it was not going to be good enough. As I worked through an issue that I could not at that time name I finally realized that it was shame and I knew where it came from.
Once I identified what I was dealing with I began to get relief. Now I can do those things and feel good about them. But I have a whole other level that has to do with everyday things. I have this level that has to do with everyday household chores and other such things. I know that it is shame. I'm not sure why this part was not broken through last year. I don't know how to break through this other stuff that would really change my life. But I am thankful for having healed that part and am hopeful that the rest will be broken through soon.
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I am going to think about this ,GS, and write more later. Ami
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Gaining Strength - one thing that I do sometimes is I follow the thread of the shame to find its nature and source. I have issues with daily life things such as chores too. I will pick a household chore that is currently a node of shame.
Here am I scrubbing the bathroom on a random Saturday. While I do this work I go through - impatience, anger, a feeling of shameful inadequacy, pride in the comprehensive way I work as I was taught (pass the white glove test), a feeling of closeness and love, and alienation and anger.
Then, I will follow the narrative of that chore and associations to that chore back through time. For me, it is cleaning the bathrooms. I have a whole history of issues with cleaning the bathrooms back through time to my grandmother's white glove tests and micromanaging my re-cleaning when I failed to meet her expectations. There is also that she was outraged that I did not already know how to clean bathrooms before she taught me (that my mother did not teach me/mother's daughter/ associated shame). Also that I was not already cleaning for my dad (failing in my role of caretaker). Then there is my dad's rage that he does not have someone who cleans the bathroom and must consider such a thing. Then there is his entitlement that some other person must be found to do this mundane chore. Then there is his anger at his wife for disastrously departing from his expectations, and at his whole life situation which also disastrously departed from his expectations.
I feel love and anger for my grandmother teaching me to do this and all the circumstances around it. And pride in my work and shame and embarrassment at its mundane, low, unimportant nature.
Edited to add: Oh and then there is all the railing at me if I did not clean the bathroom on time that I am a sloven and like my mother and lazy and a slob - all this shaming. If I don't get up at 7 on Saturday and turn the whole house out. And even if I did, no one would mention these tasks beneath mention. And no one should have to notice that these tasks happen - because the tasks have not been done. That's an outrage! Like I should not feel pride in doing what there is no pride in doing, but must be done by me or else I am the personification of outrage. No win no win no win.
Jeez its a wonder I ever get the bathroom clean at all. And you know what always blows me away is it is all ghosts. I clean my bathroom now on the house I own. It's not about my mother and father and grandmother, but those associations all come with the action.
I don't know if this helps at all. Please compost what does not. My area of difficulty these days is more with human relations and I am not getting much traction on understanding it. The above process is not working so well for me there.
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Hi Iphi,
I wonder if you could make your bathroom beautiful?
An oasis.
A serenity island.
A place of comfort and pampering and self-love,
a little sanctuary that is about you enjoying and loving caring for yourself.
I have candles and a little bit of art and a plant I talk to every day.
My bathroom has a sunny window.
If it didn't, I think I'd hang a grow light so some special blooming plant could be my "bathroom friend."
Would any changes like that make it a happier thing?
love,
Hops