Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on February 29, 2008, 10:09:15 AM
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I don't know if anyone has had this. I suspect that I am not alone, as usually someone understands(lol).However, I learned that when I have happiness, I will "punish" myself with some upsetting emotion like shame. I am punishing myself, first, BEFORE my NM(in my head)can get me--bleh.
However, I saw this pattern. Then,last night, I allowed sensory joy in. I was taking a bath and I felt the hot water and just took it in.It was a wonderful feeling.
I realize that I have always been punishing myself as some sort of a way to ward off pain from my M.
I had a breakthrough,but it is also, dismaying to realize just how "bad" you are and you wonder what "scary" thing is next that you don't see---bleh.
I hope that s/one can relate b/c a problem shared is halved. A problem kept inside is doubled. Ami
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THANK YOU, Amber! That was very helpful and very uplifting for me. Ami
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Yes, I've experienced this. Having a bath and then consciously feeling how delightful it is, but realizing that I'm subconsciously blocking the joy of it. So, what I do is stop myself from blocking the joy and give myself permission to enjoy it, to live in the moment of the joy of the soothing water, tell myself I'm entitled to enjoy this, entitled, just like any other person, to enjoy my life and how pointless it is to punish myself.
How about you do an experiment? Next time you take a bath, be really conscious of giving yourself permission to enjoy it. Feel all the soothing loveliness and when you do this, you may feel love for yourself.
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Thank you Amber,
It was not my fault that I arrived at all these screwy twisted perceptions BUT I HAVE them now, so better start digging-----bleh (lol) Ami
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Dear Ann,
Last night , I DID feel joy and the wonderful sensations of the hot bath. That made me realize how I did not allow myself to have joy, as some mechanism to protect me from my M.
I was happy, but discouraged ,too, at the DEPTH of sickness that is in me from her. Also, I see that she could not help it, b/c she was underwater(not "right" mentally and emotionally) ,herself.
So, there is no one to blame , as I always did.
That is a big thing,in itself. I can't really blame her, as I always did ,b/c she really could NOT help it,just as I could not help MY emotional deficets.
This is very upsetting for some reason. It is like an upheaval, an earthquake. All my life(teens on),my POV was blaming my M for everything. It was in my bones and breath. Now, I see that she loves me and wants to help me(even move down ,to live near me). However, even now, she is still trying to push me underwater and I am wrestling to stay afloat.
She can't help it, so ALL my reality has shifted and I am afraid. Does anyone understand this? Ami
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Thank you ((((((Amber))))))
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Thank you ,Izzy, for sharing about your life. I "didn't " do chores so I MUST be bad after all.
You really know HOW to encourage a girl(lol)
I am healing slowly,but hopefully ,surely. Love to you, Ami
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As I percolate on these ideas, I feel like I am giving birth( the one thing I have NOT done on the Board-lol).
I think that my angst is in seeing that I have to grow up. The" gig" of blaming my M is over. I feel sad and, not grounded. Wasn't life supposed to have a different ending than this? Wasn't my M supposed to come back and take care of me and THEN I would have a strong core and go forward as a healthy person?
I guess it is like GS ,waiting in the messy house for her "mother" to come in and sweep all the mess(pain) away. I hope you are OK with my using your example ,GS.
I feel very shocked ,in a way. I have lived in a fantasy world and now, I have popped my head out and said"Oh S##T". This is 'real" life.
A friend in AA used to say ,"The problem with life is that it is so real."
Well, I get it now, I think(lol)
I have to go by the still ,small voice that "tells: me that I can be well emotionally IF I could look at myself realistically AND the world ,in the same way.
It is coming,but slowly. However, maybe I need it to come ,slowly or I would freak out. That is a good possibility--bleh. Ami
PS I wanted to add that it is a shock to see these deep patterns like "blocking joy" as a way to appease my M(in my head now), and sabotaging "good feelings"by making myself pay for them. I feel as if I am a stranger to myself and that is scary.
The old me had all these patterns and the new me is seeing them for the first time and saying,"I can't believe I am actually doing this.
I feel like I can't trust myself, that I am NOT my own friend and it feels very scary.
That is what it is. I see some of what I am doing and I don't know who *I* am ,anymore,now that I see some of the truth.I am aware of some of these patterns and I feel afraid of how many MORE are there and what are they.I feel like I don't know "who" I am and if that is the case,I am in a lot of trouble. I know that s/one will get this.I hope so,anyway.
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Then,last night, I allowed sensory joy in. I was taking a bath and I felt the hot water and just took it in.It was a wonderful feeling.
I realize that I have always been punishing myself as some sort of a way to ward off pain from my M.
(((((((Dear Ami)))))))
Joy is one of the things promised to us by Christ. "These things I write to you that your joy may be full."
I am praying you will be freed from punishing yourself upon feeling or receiving good things. (I totally relate, BTW)
Violet
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((((((( Ami ))))))
I resonate and agree with Violet
and pray for you to receive and know the fullness of his joy.
Likewise, I have been in your shoes.
Love, Leah
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Thank you Leah and Violet,
Not being alone is a HUGE relief and a comfort. Thank you for what you shared, very much! Love Ami
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Dear Ami,
Thoughts of you today with
Nehemiah 8:10-11
Psalm 51:12
Leah x