Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on March 06, 2008, 06:45:45 AM
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How is it that I hear all of the Emily Post rules, saw none of them followed, but still retained the etiquette? Why did I listen, when my family was obviosly not doing anything that they said was 'right?' Is it because I was punished or shunned if I went against the 'rules' or because I innately knew there was something good in the rules?
Why did I decide that lying was wrong and make myself stop, when no one cared? I lied and exaggerated in the way my parents did, to receive attention. Did I finally realize the attention was not worth the ugly feeling inside?
Why did I decide to choose friends and acquaintances based on whether they were kind or balanced, rather than on their wealth or status?
So I wonder, is it something in ME or a reaction to what I saw and how I was treated that helped me escape????
Love, Beth
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I vote for something in YOU, Beth! Love, Ami
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What about you, Ami???? What made you different???
I wonder why we liked the reactions we got in a different way from the N. Why is it enough for NM to get attention of any sort, whereas I really only want a positive and loving kind of attention?
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It is SO weird that you ask that question,now ,b/c I was just figuring out things like that, this morning.
I have come to a huge conclusion about my life,, how I got this bad(emotionally distorted). I got the answer which was simple, but it had been eluding me,all this time. I had to get it ,"in the heart" for it to mean anything.'
The answer is I am healthy to the degree that I have my OWN power and unhealthy to the degree that I give it up to anyone(parents, parents thought systems, any external thought systems)
So, my answer to your question was that you retained your own power in certain areas, BUT gave it up in certain areas, too. The places ,in which you gave it up caused you problems. For example, if you took on your Ms viewpoint about you and then felt "worthless,"bad", selfish,valueless, only good when you performed etc.
For me, a huge piece of the puzzle kicked in.My M convinced me that I was "bad" when I had my own power and autonomy. THAT was what my "bad" thoughts were, all this time.
I think that pockets of us, Beth, retain health and pockets get sick ,in order to survive the sick family . You stayed healthy ,in certain areas is my take on your question.
Thanks for all your kind posts to me, Beth. I really appreciate it! Love Ami
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For you too, Phoenix? Did you start out by imitating them?
Ami, so when you were good, to them it was bad, and you were able to see how wrong that was???
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Dear Beth,
When I "submitted" to my M i.e. came to her as a "weaker" dog, abdicating ALL my power and taking on HER reality,I could live in that sick family system and minimize my getting hurt. So, I did that. In time, I acted that way all the time, within myself AND with others---bleh.
At some point,I was "emotionally and mentally 'ill, (as diagnosed by me, b/c I don't go to shrinks,)but I am sure they would have diagnosed me with some disorder.I was emotionally and mentally distorted by having to form myself in to the "shape" she wanted for me ,so she could feel ok about herself. I was like water ,which gets the shape of the container which holds it. Ami
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Ami,
You took on her form and molded to her...
It is funny, I fought my mother and did exactly what she did not want all of the time.
She always said that 'girls don't like their mothers' and 'people always like one child more than another,' so maybe she pushed me into the role of being at odds with her so she could take my sister under her wing.
Were you the Golden Child Ami? I forget your family dynamics.
Love, Beth
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Beth,I think I just realized that I was the golden child. Ami
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As a young person I stayed molded kept I get spanked-mom still brags about what a model child I was AFTER she broke a yardstick into six pieces while punishing me for being disrespectful. Teens? Very rebellious but tried everything in the world to hide it. 30s? Became pretty compliant and went along living knowing things were not quite right until I alex up-out of control! I finally had had enough and my mom thinks I am very unstable. I AM UNSTABLE! I HAVE TO WORK WITH YOU LADY!
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Izzy,
Classics are always good. I am talking about my NM being stuck in 'period costumes.' She still buys Jordache and Vidal Sassoon jeans in a size 10 (she is an 18 or so) if she runs across them, as she remembers being in her 30s and having people say she looked hot in them. She dreams of being in some out-of-fashion yellow bikini she still talks about. She does not see things as they are. I think you are simply a Jacki O type :) and that is much different.
Kelly, I think the only way you will ever be free and happy is to move away, break contact and get a job that does not depend upon being around your NM. But I know you know that.
My parents were social, Phoenix, until they moved to New England in 1979. Then they decided everyone there was backwards and uncultured, so they holed up and have siomply bitched about everything all day since they have been there. It was not the happiest way to grow up. If I did well in school, it was because we were so much better than the stupid people who lived there. If I dropped my grades, they threatened me with sending me to cosmotology school, which they felt was for dumb girls. Actually, I couldn't begin to list all of the jobs they feel are worthless: I am not even sure what fits into the 'worthy' category - aside from my sister being a Doctor, that is. And any Doctor who disagrees with her is stupid. Must make life easy to put everyone on the outside of your exclusive club, eh?
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Either way, Beth, it was "something" in YOU. I just wish I had come to the same action years before I did. I was so held in thrall by my parents' control that I did not dare choose for myself. I had been squelched too many times and bore the scars of it.