Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: towrite on March 07, 2008, 11:19:26 AM
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I have been wondering about this. I have almost no one to talk to, to just discuss this with, so I am turning to you guys.
How do I know when I am indulging in self pity and when I am simply feeling or expressing pain?
I know I have a tape in my head that starts berating me whenever I even have an internal conversation about what hurts and why. That same tape stops me from sharing some of the pain with my two faithful friends. I don't want to be seen as self-pitying, but I am scared if I do reveal much, they - or anyone listening - will see it as that.
How do I know the difference?
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oh dear sweet Amber - your reply was so comforting you gave me tears in my eyeballs.
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This is a great topic, towrite, and I have thought about it a lot but never verbalized it.
I think we are all entitled to self-pity. Those of us who are well-adjusted will have enough of it after a reasonable amount of time and return to normal life.
If you are glued to the pity potty, get some glue dissolvant. But if you are just having a short break on the throne, you are more than entitled.
Love, Beth
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Dear Kate,
I agree with Amber. IF you feel badly,it is a SIGN s/thing is wrong. It is counterproductive to judge or label it a"legitimate" feeling or self pity(illegitimate).
I see that you have a deeper issue here, which you probably know, which is not enough love for yourself or acceptance of WHERE you are. Also, you are not trusting your feelings, which goes along with the other parts(not enough self love and acceptance.)
The answer is simple, BUT hard,hard,hard--to love yourself, somehow,some way.
That answer would heal that problem and most others(IMO)
How to undo all the tapes of self hatred is the problem AND the solution. I am with you, dear friend, trying to climb out of the horrible pit of self hatred. I have defined the problem(IMO). I wish enacting the solution were as easy.
I am finding love,in my life, and feeling more self love ,as a result. I just got a Divine gift of a person loving me, which I did not deserve.Maybe, God provided it,at this time for me. I don't know,but love ,from people and/or God is the answer, I think.
I am sending SO much love to you, Kate. Ami
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oh, the acceptance feels so good.... I will quit telling myself it's a bad thing. I will!
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Towrite,
You feel what you feel. These are your feelings, there's no right or wrong. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and say to myself "poor ann, you're going thru hard times". I think Phoenix is right, this may help me to feel compassion for myself (especially because no one else is acknowedging my pain) or help me to acknowledge the truth: that these are hard times and I am hurting.
I hope you feel better.
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ToWrite,
Well, right now, I am thinking this; if we are to love ourselves ........ and love others as ourselves ....
then surely, we ought to have empathy and compassion, for ourself? Seems healthy in a sense, I think, maybe?
Love, Leah
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Hi towrite,
I read your post and haven't read everyone else's responses yet. Just wanted to tell you how I internalized your post first. Might be 'edit in' after I read everyone else's insights though. I don't see that self-pity is any different to feeling or expressing pain. I think they're basically from the same seed.
Personally, I don't have a problem with feeling pity for myself - or for others. It's perfectly human. It's a really great emotion that causes us to think and reflect and sometimes express feelings. It's perhaps a bit like depression in that regard. Both can have positive aspects - so long as we don't get 'stuck' there. I think it can be a great tool as in a GPS, let's us know where we are, and maybe reminds us why we're going where we're going.
You're hurting so you're giving your self pity, empathy, and to me that means you're simply clarifying, affirming, and maybe trying to assimilate that stuff that was/is painful.
Interesting that you're so clear and aware of the tape in your head that berates you ('ouch' emoticon) when ever you have an internal conversation about what hurts and why. That's so aware of you to know that. I'm wondering, do you know when, where and why you made the recording? Do you know who that was in your past who caused you to do the recording? Someone who gave you no empathy when you were in pain and hurt. Someone who became annoyed, hostile, intolerant or ridiculed you if you complained, were unhappy? Someone who had noe empathy so showed you no empathy when you cried?
"I have been wondering about this. I have almost no one to talk to, to just discuss this with, so I am turning to you guys.
How do I know when I am indulging in self pity and when I am simply feeling or expressing pain?
I know I have a tape in my head that starts berating me whenever I even have an internal conversation about what hurts and why. That same tape stops me from sharing some of the pain with my two faithful friends. I don't want to be seen as self-pitying, but I am scared if I do reveal much, they - or anyone listening - will see it as that.
How do I know the difference?"
Maybe you can just share a very small amount with them. Just to see how it goes. Test the fear rejection. See if the inner critic is right. It's a very strong and loud tape you have. It really seems afraid to run the risk of you reaching out to another human. I can only assume you really suffered badly at some point when you did seek compassion, pity, empathy understanding. I'm assuming the inability to do that with your friends is an maybe some old out-of-date self-preservation thing.
The need for empathy is crying out in all of us. Just being human and being social creatures isn't enough. We need to connect. Your wanting warmth and understanding is perfectly natural. People can't provide that about specific issues for us if they don't know what they are.
Papillon
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ToWrite,
I know what it's like to feel lonely enough that only typing on a forum seems to bridge the gap.
I am glad you've shared this here.
I like the old-fashioned understanding of "pity" -- it is a kind word.
When your heart is pierced with sorrow, and you feel very alone, better that you weep tears of pity for yourself.
Such mourning, lamentation, anguish, sorrow...have for many years been permitted.
This is a jock culture. A modern competitive and repressed unique culture only around 200 years old. Macho and adolescent.
Don't worry about self-pity. Just feel what you feel and have respect for your feeling heart.
love to you,
Hops
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This is just a great topic for me right now. I have been really struggling with this presently.
I don't want to get trapped in a pattern of self pity without moving forward, yet I do not wish to short change myself by lightly glossing over the things that have happened to me, things that continue to trouble me and shape my life in negative ways. I need to figure this out...
V
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Thinking of you,today, Kate. Sending you good thoughts and prayers.
Violet,I think you made a profound point. I am going iniside and trying to face my feelings. They are "calling" me to honor them ,through pain.
I have come to the conclusion that pain IS a call and I MUST answer or I will be sick ,in some way. I am not a "baby" b/c I have painful feelings. It is a call to face them, hear what they are saying and to heal(IMO)
Love Ami
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Thinking of you,today, Kate. Sending you good thoughts and prayers.
Violet,I think you made a profound point. I am going iniside and trying to face my feelings. They are "calling" me to honor them ,through pain.
I have come to the conclusion that pain IS a call and I MUST answer or I will be sick ,in some way. I am not a "baby" b/c I have painful feelings. It is a call to face them, hear what they are saying and to heal(IMO)
Love Ami
Hi, Ami,
I read something yesterday about PAIN as something that enters a door, walks through, then leaves. It helped me visualize that I can acknowledge it and treat it as a temporary visitor, but accept that it visits then leaves, it does not need to move in, to take over my internal space, define me, or destroy me. This is something I am thinking about today and am going to try practicing this, so I will stop fearing pain. Love ya, V
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Self pity is a very real thing. When you feel that no matter what you do you cannot escape your jail.
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Self pity is a very real thing. When you feel that no matter what you do you cannot escape your jail.
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Hi, Kate,
What about the "self pity" of the narcissist who uses it to manipulate and punish everyone in his/her circle?
I have experienced times when I felt that no matter what I did I could not nor would I ever escape my jail. I felt this defined "despair." I never really saw it as self pity, I always thought self pity implied, refusing to take responsibility for one's self and behaviors, where despair implied not knowing how to take responsibility or not having the strength to do so.
Just some rambling thoughts on this....
Violet
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I feel that I am trapped. Anger. Resentment. Whining. Self Pity? Jail. Never ending story.
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Overcomer....Me too!!
Vio;et:
"This is just a great topic for me right now. I have been really struggling with this presently.
I don't want to get trapped in a pattern of self pity without moving forward, yet I do not wish to short change myself by lightly glossing over the things that have happened to me, things that continue to trouble me and shape my life in negative ways. I need to figure this out...
V"
.....me too
I am soooo fed up right now! With everything!
xx
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Towrite - I always identify with your posts. Again I am jarred by this thread as with so many of your posts. It seems like this topic of self-pity came up about a year ago and I remember being struck suddenly for the first time that I had been a "victim" of self-pity my entire life. I was quite horrified and realized that I had been in denial of this the whole time. But I came to understand that I had self-pity because as a child, I had never received the caring, nurturing pity for the wrongs and injustices that I HAD experienced.
I suspect that most children of Narcissists have experienced little consoling and comforting in the face of mistreatment and without that they (we) have turned to the only pity available - self-pity. The real problem is that self-pity can become a prison and a difficult prison to break free of.
I found a way to use my imagination to create a nurturer. And when I felt the self-pity or her daughter, resentment, I conjured up my ideal of a maternal nurturer and imagined how she would comfort and encourage me to overcome the hurt or slight or failing so that I could face the pain and find the courage to face it and believe that I could overcome it. Over time this process really helped me. While I still face self-pity and resentment, it is easier and easier to identify them and to overcome them very quickly.
I found this board to be very helpful with that as well. I have never found 3-D friends to have the patience and endurance to weather through the repetition of the struggle with issues of self-pity. The things that engendered self-pity were never tings that I could overcome easily or quickly and without exception the people I confided the issues of self-pity to gave up on our friendship before I ever worked through the issues.
Now I keep them to myself or put them out here where there seems to always be someone else willing to support and encourage when others tire of hearing me complain of the same thing over and over.
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GS,
I am doing some similar things with "inner child" work. I found some pictures of me as a 1 year old, 4 year old, etc. and am allowing myself to hug, comfort, and console her, with those images as "props" while experiencing and processing the horrible memories. It seems to be helping, as well as using EFT. I am really working on processing and LETTING GO of the memories, so I don't get stuck and fall into a pattern of "self-pity" on the same issue over and over again....
V
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OMG Violet. I have forgotten to get back to that conversation I wanted to follow up with you on EFT and now it's too late you've reverted to lurking.
I am so impressed by the inner child work you describe. That makes so much sense to me. I have read so much from so many diverse philosophies that all agree that reworking memories and "changing" them to make it more positive. I so hate to see you go!!! I'm so glad you are making changes. Don't give up and don't give up hope. I see changes happening in your life. Those changes are never fast enough. I sure will miss you. - GS
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towrite - you posted so very significant threads and then disappeared. I so hope you are ok. I am a little worried - thinking of you - GS
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I'm here, never fear, GS.
I do know mostly where those tapes came from. Whenever I was hurt as a child or teenager, if I expressed that to my NM, her response was always to take the other person's side. "What did you do to them?" My NF's responses were along the lines of "You're always so melodramatic." And others on that theme. So I just buried any and all pain til I became totally numb. I could not even see myself in a mirror or didn't recognize the image as me when I could. I couldn't feel my body, had trouble coordinating my feet and legs as in dancing. I could never feel my feet - still have trouble with that.
Then I began work with my ex-therapist on revealing and getting in touch with my inner child. I was too young at the time of the pain and too alone to experience it. As an adult it was excruciatingly painful to relive it, even with a wise and loving guide. I know Ami is going thru some of this.
V - what is EFT? Is it that Forum stuff?
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((((((((((Kate)))))))))))))))
I undertand,as you said.
EFT is a natural therapy that helps you unblock patterns. Love and a Hug, Ami