Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on March 08, 2008, 07:47:53 PM

Title: Making progress - tendency to think back
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 08, 2008, 07:47:53 PM

I have been making some real progress recently.  Many good things have been happening but at the same time there is definitely a self-sabotage thing happening as well.  That self-sabotage is powerfully linked to shame. 

Several times during the day I think about what I want to come and post but when I get here - I can't put anything on paper.

Now I just got a call to go meet my little boy and a guy we're talking to about using for some after-school childcare. When I get back I hope I can get down here some of the things that have been going well and some of the struggles and some of my hopes.

Thankful for Voicelessness, its participants and Dr. G.

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Ami on March 08, 2008, 07:58:17 PM

Dear GS,
  I understand self  sabatage and shame, GS. I am walking the same road ,as you are.
  I send you love and peace, GS.            Love   Ami


(((((((((((GS)))))))))

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: teartracks on March 08, 2008, 09:19:58 PM

Hi GS,

Sorry for the funk you're in.  Don't lose hope - keep the vision.

Lots of hugs to you and your little one.

tt

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Certain Hope on March 08, 2008, 09:58:37 PM

((((((((((GS)))))))))  I can relate... having trouble writing lately, but figured it's just a phase. It's good to hear from you! Hope the care-arrangements for your little guy work out well.

Love,
Carolyn

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 08, 2008, 11:10:25 PM

Here are some of the things that have been going well: my social life is clearly improving, I am getting paper work taken care of, I am making progress in organizing in several arenas - scheduling/time managment, taking care of some household issues at my mother's house, cleaning up some house issues at my house, getting this new business off the ground.

My mother was out of town a couple of days this past week.  My son and I stayed there for two nights for a change of venue.  On Friday her sitter came even though my mother was not there.  She is such a tremendous gift in my life.  She is going to work with me in my business which we are going to run out of my mother's basement initially.  In getting things set up I have arranged to have some appliances installed and the carpet replaced.  It has required a series of plumbers, electricians, carpet people and such.  While my mother was gone I arranged to get her oriental rugs cleaned and repaired.  One of the men who picked up the rugs said that he also refinished wood floors.  I hired him to come in and do that for her today.  To my great surprise my mother actually thanked me for taking care of these things.  It is hard to know if she means it or not but the biggest shock is that she has not opposed me.  Meanwhile I have taken care of the paper work to get her handicapped placard renewed. (She did complain behind my back that I had taken her placard away.  Never mind that it expired in Jan of 2007!)

Last night I was invited to join 2 couples having dinner while our children played at a parent's night out program.  That is a first and it was so much fun!  I felt like a real human.  This morning I ran into several people that I have known in the past and had lengthy conversations.  So often, I have felt that people were in a hurry and had little to say or no interest in conversing with me.  This morning was so different.  On Monday my son and I got an invitation to join 3 other families at the beach for spring break.  I have been invited to join a group to form a supper club.  All of this is such a HUGE change from having absolutely NO social life at all just one year ago.  It was exactly one year ago that things began to change.  I am very, very thankful.

I finally figured out how to put in an application for help with childcare at a local college.  I got three outstanding replies.  One, a young man, is going to be available for after-school work in the fall.  He has so much in common with my little boy and he is quite a remarkable young man.  My son and he spent several hours together this afternoon and it was a great experience.  Another young woman from South America is going to help me out during the week right after school for the rest of the semester.  That will be a great help.  She will get his homework done and get him to his afternoon activity, allowing me to work until 5pm.  And a third person responded to be available for occassional babysitting opportunities.  For so long I have not had anyone to call to help out with my child and suddenly I have 3 outstanding options.

Plus, after 6 years, I have finally begun to process to get 4, count 'em four, vehicles that are either broken down or with title problems all fixed up and sold or removed.  I also have ordered new carpet for my upstairs to be installed next week.  Meanwhile my brother is making arrangements for my mother to follow through on her agreement to pay for it.  I selected an inexpensive but fairly attractive carpet that will be a real improvement to what is there right now.  My mother has also agreed to pay for the upstairs bathroom to be brought up to functioning.  It will really make life in my house much more bearable.

All of this progress has been very encouraging AND YET, I still have to work hard to ovecome that loathsome feeling that can completely overcome me - that sense of shame, self-loathing, failure, inadequacy.  Now I am able to really talk myself out of falling deep into those dark feelings.  It has taken me a year and a half to get to a point of being able to stop the descent into that dark place and that has been the most valuable transforming practice.  I have to work at it and work at it and work at it.  At every turn I am faced with the powerful sense that what ever I do, it is not enough.  There is a powerful and controlling feeling of being inadequate and undeserving but finally I am beginning to make inroads into those negative and debilitating feelings. 

I once heard Dr. Phil say that it takes 10 "atta boys" to overcome every criticism.  I don't know how he came up with that statistic, but the sentiment helps me understand why it is so very difficult to overcome these dark, ingrained thought patterns. 

I'm thankful, as always, to have this place to share my thoughts and experiences with people who might understand somewhat and who often offer encouragement.

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 09, 2008, 12:26:53 AM

LOL Izzy.  I'll take them "atta gals" and "x 10" at that.  Thank you very much!

The black hole - I think it is more of habit than it is of fear of not having a reason to be anxious.  It is that habit that is more difficult than I could imagine to break myself of.  The habit being so well instilled at so young an age.  That my parents were most accomplished at. LOL.

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Ami on March 09, 2008, 09:38:01 AM

Dear GS,
 I am available to give 'Atta Boys",as needed(lol). It would be my pleasure. When I read your post,I thought of s/thing that Ann said. She said that when s/thing in the spiritual realm changes(our thoughts,beliefs etc), the physical world can change.
 I think that things have shifted for you Of course, you will have "setbacks",in your thinking. Your accustomed way of thinking is 'negative". You were programmed that way(Train up a child in the way he will go....)
So, you have to overcome these messages with 'true" messages about your true worth, which is enormous in God's eyes and who are we to argue(lol)?
 I think that you have defined the problem and see the solution(to believe  the "truth" about yourself, NOT what you were taught(lies).Now, you have to change old thinking habits.It IS that simple,but not easy,of course, or we would be "well"
  I am here, whenever you need me . Please know that . I am available, GS, just as you were to me when I was hurting so badly with Scott.             Love and Hugs,   Ami

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: flowerpower on March 09, 2008, 10:36:49 AM

GS, It made me smile to read about all the great things that are happening in your life right now. It sounds like you have positive momentum going that is motivating you to take action that adds to the momentum. What a great trend!!!

I get a sense that you have many positive things ahead of you. It would be more surprising if you had no visits to the "black hole" thinking since it has been a way of life that you were taught from a young age. Recognizing that those thoughts will hit you and that you can challenge them now will help them pass more quickly I hope. You certainly have lots of positive actions of your own and feedback from others (with all the invitations and your relationship with mom's sitter) with which to challenge the negative thoughts.

I am happy for you!!!!  :D

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Leah on March 09, 2008, 11:27:44 AM

Dear GS,

In the year that I have known you on the board, indeed, you have achieved much, and made great headways, and I am so glad to read today, of your progress, and aspiration.

Truly, I feel, that we do sometimes slide back a little, as part of progress making, and moving forward, just seems to be how we do move forward, with recognition and realization.

Warm thoughts of you, and of your dear son.

Love, Leah

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Certain Hope on March 09, 2008, 04:38:24 PM

Dear GS,

You are absolutely amazing  :D This is tremendous progress and I hope that you will never forget how very much you've accomplished. Let the glow of these things wash over you at the tiimes when old nonsense threatens, okay? That will drive away the chill of those old lies. They come after me, too, with their sneers of death and gloom... "how dare you feel competent?! Don't you remember?? I'll never let you forget." 
No doubt strangers have wondered when they've witnessed me going:  " :P "   to no one in particular, when those ancient tapes begin to play... but it helps. A hearty helping of the raspberries to them.
You're doing great, GS... and soon you will be even stronger than ever.

Love to you and your boy,
Carolyn

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Ami on March 09, 2008, 10:03:38 PM

((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))  Thinking of you!                      Love, Ami

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Hopalong on March 09, 2008, 11:09:46 PM

GS...
You are a complete inspiration to me.
I am thrilled by your accomplishments.

I send much love and hope you'll take joy in them, joy in your unique and endearing self.
As your new friends will. And joy to your son, for the good company you've brought into his life.

Bravo bravo bravo and

ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL
ATTA GIRL!!!!!

love
Hops

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 10, 2008, 02:46:53 PM

Thanks so much for all the support.

Today I am having another stuggle with the shame/anxiety but without the accompaning shame for struggling (that added shame about feeling shame makes matters so much worse.) 

I am very thankful for the progress and do see and end to the debilitating struggles soon.  There are several things that I do when the pain is great, they are all forms of shutting down.  I am looking forward to moving past those periods of shut down.  Right now they come everyday but they are lessening.  Then no longer come everyday but they do come every night.

I have so much to do and in time I will be able to work through it.  It willl be much easier when the anxiety/shame has dwindled.

I'm forcing the issues by starting a business, arranging childcare (have to clean up house to let them in), getting soiled and missing carpet replaced (must clean up to let carpet people in) and getting hardwood floors redone (ditto carpet).  Got one of the cars taken care of yesterday - one down 3 to go.  Focus on progress.  Focus on progress.

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: Ami on March 10, 2008, 03:10:41 PM

Dear GS
 I think you are doing SO well. I really, really mean it. You are taking what you have and trying to make the best out of everything. I am so happy for child care and other things to be working out better.
 I am here for anything, Atta Boys, or just to talk.                Love and a Hug,   Ami

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to slide back
Post by: debkor on March 10, 2008, 04:13:25 PM

GS, 

You are doing great.  Lets change that slipping back to thinking back as you keep moving forward.  keep going GS!  You may think about things in the past but it's not your future.  No slipping just thinking.  GS will not go back there. 

GS you are an amazing person and I really like reading your posts and you have so much heart and so much to offer.  I like you GS.  I think your a good person.



Love
Deb

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to think back
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 10, 2008, 05:38:00 PM

OK - thanks for the great suggestions and encouraging words.  It means so much to me.

D - I've changed the topic from "slide" to "think".  Great suggestion.
PR - focusing on progress - I believe that thoughts set reality and focusing on the positive improves life - thanks for the reminder.
Ami - it is SOO nice to have childcare help at long last.  I think it will make a real difference for my child and for me.
Hops - I love those purple sliding ATTAs.  It is such a help to see movement out of paralysis at long last.
CH - That is great advice - sage wisdom.  So important to remember to progress and not let it get watered down by fear of failings.
Leah - Thanks.  Slips don't cause fear in me any more.  But I find comfort and encouragement in sharing them - esp. here.
Flower - I'll remember to challenge those negative thoughts.  They are all false messages. 

I'm taking all the positive thoughts and bottling them up in my mind so I can open the vial and sniff the sweet perfume when I find myself slipping, no thinking back.  I think this is a great idea - especially since the olfactory senses are said to be the most evocative of memory.  I'm going to tie this positive thought to a fragrance that I can access when I start to stumble.

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to think back
Post by: Leah on March 10, 2008, 05:59:12 PM

(((( GS ))))

awesome fragrance.

keep on keeping on, forwards and onwards.

Leah x

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to think back
Post by: Certain Hope on March 10, 2008, 07:44:09 PM

Quote

Today I am having another stuggle with the shame/anxiety
but without the accompaning shame for struggling (that added shame about feeling shame makes matters so much worse.) 

Yes! Me, too, GS... really noticing the blessed absence of that old added shame over the continued struggles.
With that curse silences, it's all just so ordinary... a common and temporary struggle... without the lead weights attached.

Oh, and I really like your plan to associate the true, affirming facts of all your successes to a readily accessible scent... makes so much sense! I have a "rain" scented candle which has a similar effect on me... but I'd never really connected the dots as to why. Its location is on one of the last shelves I generally dust when tidying up here, and I always take a little sniff of it afterward... so I guess it's become associated, for me, with a sort of "mission accomplished" signal. Very cool!

Thanks for the inspiration, dear Gaining Strength. I think it's time to dust!!  :D

With love,
Carolyn

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to think back
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 10, 2008, 07:57:11 PM

Its location is on one of the last shelves I generally dust when tidying up here, and I always take a little sniff of it afterward... so I guess it's become associated, for me, with a sort of "mission accomplished" signal. Very cool!

Very cool indeed.  Thanks for sharing that - it helps me think I may be on the right track. - GS

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to think back
Post by: Leah on March 11, 2008, 08:28:46 AM

((((((( GS )))))))

Definitely like your choice of amended title. 

Thinking of you today, as you progress with your plans for today.

"Bravo" and "Well Done" for ALL your splendid progress to present date. 

GS, you are a source of inspiration, to many, of which, I feel sure.

Love, Leah

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to think back
Post by: Ami on March 11, 2008, 08:33:55 AM

Hi GS,
 Your warmth, grace and honesty were one of the strengths that helped me so much after Scott's death. You are a gem, GS!
                                 Love   Ami

Title: Re: Making progress - tendency to think back
Post by: Leah on March 11, 2008, 11:10:28 AM

The way I see it, the first part of this kind of work is to find out how we became voiceless; how we accepted a limited life in darkness and agony. The second part of the work, is seeing that part one wasn't truly "us" - we didn't deserve that and we are so much MORE than that. And then comes the phase of walking step by step into the light, fresh air of reclaiming our life. I'm thinking you're in this third phase! And there's only what works for you - no "right or "wrong" about how you go about this. It will be "your way"... all the way!

Hi Amber,

Truly, I personally, wholeheartedly, resonate and agree, with full accord.

As was, is, "my way" along my journey.

And, "ditto" regarding dear GS.

Amber, I am absolutely delighted to know that you have found, your authentic self, having worked so hard on your healing journey.  Truly is, a pleasure to know you here on board.  Thank you.


Leah x