Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: gratitude28 on March 11, 2008, 11:06:58 AM
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One of the things I have really been going through both because of my NM and because I did not get snapped up by any companies here is what my value is.
I am very smart. I am very efficient. I have been a huge assett to anyone I have worked for. I am pleasant and helpful. People like me and remember me.
BUT - of course, my NM thinks I am nothing...
I did not get any of the jobs I hoped for here (which was really a blessing in many ways, and I know that - especially as we might be leaving soon. But also because I did not want to spend my life in traffic and away from my kids... I could name a ton of reasons).
So... I have an advanced degree in a small field... I am pretty good at computers (excell, access, system installation, etc). I know a lot about literature. I am fairly good at writing. I paint fairly well. My biggest achievement, I am a good mom. And I am a good teacher.
But overall, I still feel worthless... that I will never be "special" or some weird thing that is like a false implant in my brain and doesn't make sense, but does in a way too...
Any thoughts y'all????
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Beth-I am similar to your synopsis. I have a lot going for me but it is my mom who holds me down and keeps me back. I an pretty optimistic suddenly. I have been praying for my destiny to unfold. We need to pray for God's blessing and favor for us.
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Probably not, Amber - lol. That is a very good thought. Let me mull it over.
Kelly, I hope you do find your path.
Love, Beth
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Dear Beth,
ANYONE who speaks as many languages as you do should never, ever feel doubtful of her value,in my humble opinion(lol)
I think doubting our value is a manifestation of deeper roots ,which cannot be taken away by more external success. They can only be taken away by inner awareness(IME)
For me, the more I achieved ,the worse I felt.That has been my experience, anyway. Ami
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Dear Kelly,
YOU are a beautiful person, open minded , open hearted, funny,caring honest and loyal! What is THAT worth???? Love, Ami
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I guess the way I think is like this...
Yes, I have some talents...
But others have more than me - or they are smarter about marketing themselves.
I used to be Nish - thought I was great at things...
I am not sure what personal traits count in valuing oneself... I am honest? I am mostly kind? I like animals? I like nature? I am spontaneous?
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Hi Beth,
Yes, I can relate. You and I were conditioned throughout our upbringing that our worth or real selves was in our abilities and what we accomplish -- Well that is a big huge lie.
We are worthy of love and we are worthy of loving ourselves for no other reason than because we are here and because God created us; our being (not our doing) is what HE loves, our just being here and breathing is good enough for God's love and His love is more powerful and more impressive than any love.
I have been thinking lately about my codependency issues. It took me many years to fight the lies that told me that I had to be somebody and accomplish something in order to be valued --- NOT TRUE.
Here is a quote on codependency.
"If I am feeling like a "failure" and giving power to the "critical parent" voice within that is telling me that I am a failure - then I can get stuck in a very painful place where I am shaming myself for being me. In this dynamic I am being the victim of myself and also being my own perpetrator - and the next step is to rescue myself by using one of the old tools to go unconscious (food, alcohol, sex, etc.) Thus the disease has me running around in a squirrel cage of suffering and shame, a dance of pain, blame, and self-abuse."
Codependency: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Blessings and hugs.
Gabben
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Thanks Amber and Lise,
I think in a way I have lost touch with that - I somehow no longer feel that's important.
It sucks to be this confused!!!
Thank you and let me think about this more and figure out what I mean by "me."
Love, Beth
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Hi Beth,
I was always bright, creative and a good writer. Early teachers spotted it.
But...I was terribly sensitive and sad, and bullied intensely by female peers (until college, when I fell in love with everybody and have had good friends ever since).
In the early days, after 7 years of bottom-of-pecking-order, my despair (didn't know what depression was) grew so intense that in 9th grade, I gave up. I failed every class except English (was smuggling novels in to read during class), and had to repeat the year. The next fall all the "old girls" marched past the classroom door and said, "What are you doing in there with the babies?" It was a tiny school so there was no place to hide.
Anyway, that was failure. Big huge undeniable failure.
In hindsight I'm not sure how I survived it. I remember overwhelming daily pain. But I did.
And now...I'm less rocked off my feet when I have other failures. I know it happens and finally, I know it does not measure me.
love and comfort and solidarily,
Hops
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Wow, Hops, Just reading about your 9th grade experience scares me silly. Really. I am sure I could never have recovered. I had no resilience and would have been made to feel bad forever.
My failures have been in my adult life, I guess... the ones that are most measurable by me, I guess... the drinking, gambling. Or maybe it's just that I am willing to own up to something now and not try to hide it. Lying to oneself helps cover so many things. I also had a mild phase where I did not do so well in school. My parents were distraught - what would people say????? And that was over a few C plus and B minus grades.
((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))) You are a greater person for having made it through the pain of failing in school.
Love, Beth
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Hi Gratitude 28,
Sad comment, this one. But overall, I still feel worthless
Obviously it's a valid feeling based on something????? But what?
My immediate thought when I read it was "worth less than what?"
I concur with Phoenix Rising. You've described very well how you perceive your value to others. That's a vital and valid understandstanding to have. Especially if we are wanting to 'fit' in the greater society.
But that's not (necessarily) who you are, or may even want to be. I think we craft our own meaning in and of life, and then, hopefully, we are true to that, and in being true to that our essence emerges. Picture the metamorphisis that takes place following the pupal stage of a butterfly. It can't be rushed, it's a process, a journey - to be embraced. How magnificent --- the emergence of a beautiful butterfly.
Papillon
Too much analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
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Papillon,
What did you mean by that???
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Hi Beth...
I think of you looking at yourself in the mirror, having a chat. There are 3 questions, and I think you're on question #2, working to delete the last word. One day I am certain you'll be on #3, and you'll know the answer does not mean 'perfect'.
Who is that?
It's me, Beth.
Are you acceptable?
Well, yes, but...
Are you good?
Love,
Hops
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Hops,
I think you hit the nail on the head, as tears sprang to my eyes.
Thanks. Let me see if I can ever really look in the mirror to complete these steps.
Love, Beth
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Good tears. Good Beth.
(((((((Beth)))))))
love,
Hops
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But that's not (necessarily) who you are, or may even want to be. I think we craft our own meaning in and of life, and then, hopefully, we are true to that, and in being true to that our essence emerges. Picture the metamorphisis that takes place following the pupal stage of a butterfly. It can't be rushed, it's a process, a journey - to be embraced. How magnificent --- the emergence of a beautiful butterfly.
]
I can relate to this very well. We seek our core and then we try to be true to it,in the variouse life circumstances. That is our journey,in a few words(IMO).
Thank you,Papillion!! Ami
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(((((((((((Hops)))))))))))
(((((((((((Beth)))))))))))
I think that you two have gotten to the root of the matter here... on being good enough.
I choose not to await a "some day" emergence. If I don't accept myself now, as I am (not as I can do), then the present is gone... and what's left?
Thank you both.
Love,
Carolyn
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(((( Beth ))))
All you need ever be, is true to yourself.
Leah
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Hi Gratitude 28,
Sad comment, this one. But overall, I still feel worthless
Obviously it's a valid feeling based on something????? But what?
My immediate thought when I read it was "worth less than what?"
I concur with Phoenix Rising. You've described very well how you perceive your value to others. That's a vital and valid understandstanding to have. Especially if we are wanting to 'fit' in the greater society.
But that's not (necessarily) who you are, or may even want to be. I think we craft our own meaning in and of life, and then, hopefully, we are true to that, and in being true to that our essence emerges. Picture the metamorphisis that takes place following the pupal stage of a butterfly. It can't be rushed, it's a process, a journey - to be embraced. How magnificent --- the emergence of a beautiful butterfly.
Papillon
Too much analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
Papillon,
What did you mean by that???
Hi Gratitude 28,
Sorry I didn't see your question earlier until now.
I'm suspecting you're asking me to explain my whole post, not the "Obviously it's a valid feeling based on something?????".
Interesting, that was how I initially interpreted your question, when I saw your (???). I assumed you were refering to my (?????). :D.
In the event that you were, my (?????) was connected to to the words in your post that I will never be "special" or some weird thing that is like a false implant in my brain and doesn't make sense, but does in a way too...
When I said a valid feeling based on something, in hindsight what I should have said was "based on old programming from someone or somewhere."
In the event that you mean my whole post I'll attempt to explain 'my meaning' of my post , and I'm going to use one of my own more recent life experiences to try to do this.
Also, may I add this. In the event that you found my post offensive or unsettling, that's most unfortunate and I sincerely apologize as this was not my intention.
Here's how I see it:-
I worked in a role that I loved that was meeting (too) many needs I had, but still I felt inadequate on the inside. Interesting, but I felt guilty in that I didn't think it was correct that I was meeting my own needs. Because I believed this :( I had this on-going 'inner-nagging' that my motivations were wrong, and subsequently I became convinced that what I was doing was wrong and unhealthy --- for everyone involved ---- including me.
I felt that I was simply a big phony. I took action and dropped out of that role, leaving many people in the lurch, and much to many people's horror and surprise. I felt guilty, and at the same time I genuienly felt that I had no choice.
I went off and 'became' something totally different. That too shocked everybody, myself included.
I went into a role that was so diametrically opposite to the one I'd been operating in. It was a very phsically demanding role, long hours, which required rigorous time-management iskills, and with serious daily deadlines to be met - or there were major penalties incurred. With this project, I signed a contract to complete it within 2 years or heavy penalties applied.
I lost contact with nearly all my old circle. This seemed also essential as I was also hard on a course of rejecting myself and all I stood for, or as I thought I saw I was.
I buried myself in this new role. Hid away from the old world. I completed the project miles ahead of time, almost 18mths instead of 2 years. That was because I was burning a huge amount of emotional energy through the physical aspect of the task. I was at it 6am-8pm/24/7 for 18mths. I took 2 weeks off that Xmas. That was it. I was completely mono.
I was working with all types of people who I'd never worked with before. Extremely intolerant and aggressive people who demanded I perform daily. Then, after that ended, after the 18 mths were up, and I collapsed of exhaustion I realized something vital.
I had been naturally doing what I'd been doing in my old role. Some of my recent co-workers became close friends. They new absolutey nothing of my past life yet had often asked me had I ever thought of becoming an 'xyz' which was exactly what I had felt I needed to escape from. Things melded. "The idea of the daimonic, typically means quite a few things:..... (or as a literary term) the unrest that exists in us all which forces us into the unknown, leading to self-destruction and/or self-discovery, or the journey and transition from innocence to experience." This has been my recent real-life experience.
I'm planning on returning to my former profession later this year.... in the same role. I don't feel the old 'self-doubt and self-worth' issues are relevant anymore, even though I'm sure I'll think them at times. I can deal with them now because I know where they came from. It seems that much of being comfortable with who I am comes from just experiencing and accepting the who I was at different times. Accepting me in my changes.
I feel quite okay about going back to my old role now... that is..... after I have finished my over-extended and well-earned break which I'm enjoying immensely. Also, chilling out here atm has been amazingly helpful too, along with my continuing therapy.
So to summarize what I meant by my original post, and in the context of who I am,
But that's not (necessarily) who you are, or may even want to be. I think we craft our own meaning in and of life, and then, hopefully, we are true to that, and in being true to that our essence emerges. Picture the metamorphisis that takes place following the pupal stage of a butterfly. It can't be rushed, it's a process, a journey - to be embraced. How magnificent --- the emergence of a beautiful butterfly.
Does that help you understand what I wrote - at all? If not, sorry it's the best I can do.
And once again, if you found my post offensive, I apologize.
Papillon
If you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself.
Rollo May
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Papillon,
Can't even verbalize how profoundly I'd love to know what the two roles were...
ballerina
medical resident
I'm totally stumped
Hops
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(((((((((((((Papillon))))))))
My response was really a joke!!!! I just loved your joke! It made me laugh so hard!!!!
OK, so if I understand your story well... you tried to go against what you should have been? Is that right???? Are you happy now where you are???? The metamorphosis is the learning process? I am simple-minded... :)
The truth is, I should be a teacher. I love kids and school. I have been made to feel this is unspecial work. Which is ridiculous, because I have insane respect for my kids' teachers and the education process. And I am really good at getting across to all kinds of kids... So maybe that is what I have been trying to say and couldn't say?????
Carolyn, Ami, Leah, Hops... I really think that is my answer. I want to teach. But I feel I should be doing something "more important." I liked interpreting because I felt important, but I was miserable working for a nasty, cold person. I was continually degraded. At school, I have love from parents, kids and respect from the faculty.
Thank you all very much. I think this is the true heart of the matter. You know, in my family, there is one job that is respected - a doctor. My translating job was fairly impressive to them, but aside from that, they feel I was a waste of education. Why do I still care??????????
Love, Beth
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My H is a doctor and he killed my son,is working on my other son and practically killed me. Ami
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((((((((((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))
I know, doctors, so many, are far from perfect. My sister, in my opinion, is a mess in day-to-day life. I do believe she is a good doctor. But many aren't.
Hope I didn't hurt you, Ami>
Amber, thank you. I know that. I just don't feel it yet.
Love, Beth
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No, Beth, I didn't see any hurt coming from you. Ami
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Ami,
I meant just by bringing up the profession of your husband. I am sure this is all on your mind incessantly, and I don't want to dig into a raw wound.
Love, Beth
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No, Beth, the MORE truth I face, the better I will be. I thought you meant that I posted TOO much. Oh, the beauty of cyberspace(lol) . Ami
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Beth, I can really relate to those feelings you're struggling with. I can only tell you about my experience. I had the same feelings. Felt like I kept trying to fill a black hole inside of me but the dirt kept on getting flung back out or it sank so far b/c the hole was bottomless. I rationalized, I justified, I said daily positive affirmations, I wrote notes of those affirmations and posted them all over my house -- nothing worked.
I, too, have been experiencing the same feelings about trying to find a job where I can use my skills and knowledge. Nothing doing. It's been hard to keep my head up and not feel worthless, tho' occasionally I slip down that slope.
What changed for me was realizing (with the help of my insightful, loving T) that I was trying to force those definitions, those positive attributes onto myself. Nothing was ever going to "take" that way. So I stopped. My T got me to accept my feelings of worthlessness instead of resisting them. Then we explored where they came from. At that point, in exploring the origins, all the numbness of my childhood and teen years exploded and the memories and feelings began coming back. I really mean "exploded". All my life I had thought parents were supposed to act like mine did. My T opened my eyes and reframed all those devastating years so I could finally "see" that my worthless feelings came from the way they treated me. As she accepted me and excoriated my parents and showed me the way true parents are supposed to act, I came to accept my feelings of worthlessness as legitimate. They WERE my feelings after all, and I had come by them legitimately. The strangest thing - once I accepted those feelings, she helped me accept other things about myself - my true worth. She didn't put words in my mouth, just let those attributes come from me.
Anyway, that was my turning point. Is any of this relevant to you?
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Towrite,
I had a big KABOOM instant like that too! All of a sudden, I realized that so much of what I thought was "bad" in myself was planted there by my parents. I am not bad... I am normal. Like you , I am picking through the rubble and rebuilding me from the nice pieces I find :)
So, when I can identify where the feeling originated, I can start to unravel the feelings and find the real me. I am not the sum of the things I have done... I am me. I am the person who did good and bad things and learned from experience just like the rest of the world. I am not an exception.
As for the job thing, towrite my HP (higher power, to me) know what he/she/it was doing when I didn't get any of the jobs I thought I wanted. I would have been in traffic endlessly. I would have never seen my kids. I would have had money and no soul. And I probably wouldn't have liked the job. I just didn't take the "rejection" well. I NEVER get turned down - lol. Nice, humbling lesson for me!! :)
Thank you towrite!!!!!
Love, Beth
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Hi Gratitude 28,
Thanks for the reply. I appreciated it.
BTW, could you let your mother know how much I love cats too. Also I have some reallly great cat recipes I'd love to swap with her.
Also, I still think Leah's p/a list should have been the itinerary for the visit.
Leah's P/A list
Be Forgetful: Avoids responsibility by forgetting. Forget to buy toilet paper and when she arrives ask her to go get it.
Blaming: Don't be responsible for not buying the toilet paper. Ask her "Did you bring any toilet paper? And why not?
Lack of Anger: Never express anger directly that she didn't bring her own toilet paper. Just do it in an under-handed way. "Don't you use toilet paper?"
Fear of Dependency: Fight your dependency needs on her going out an buying toilet paper. "It's fine, just pass me a towel" should do. You can only claim victory if you deny your need of her support.
Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. A passive aggressive will only allow you to buy their toilet paper, but not allow you to pass it through the door. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by not accepting the toilet roll from you, and prefer instead to use the towel.
Obstructionism: Do you want a toilet roll from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait forever for the toilet roll.
It is important to him/her that you don't ever get your toilet roll. He/she will act as if they are looking for the toilet roll, but sadly, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it to you. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give it to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly in being asked to go and buy the toilet roll. If you get upset because he or she is leaving you stuck in the loo, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that you are there. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them. So you'd better have a good book in there, as you are going to be waiting a long time for that toilet roll.
Papillon
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And, in the infamous words of Elaine's nemesis, "Sorry, can't spare a square!"
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Bean,
Another brilliant post! Love Ami
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Gratitude:
I SOOOO appreciated your post! I cannot tell you how much it reflects my life. Perhaps we are twins separated from birth? :) But I can so identify with the pain associated with all of this lack of self-worth. And it DOES emanate from our Nparents or families. Of course, it is our issue to struggle with and manage....but we are not born into this world with a huge deficit of self-esteem. We learn that.
What's really heartbreaking is this issue touches every aspect of our lives----personal, professional, emotional, physical. And it runs so very deep! It's in our brain....the way we think, about ourselves, about others, about the others. It guides our choices in life in everything from career to family to choice of life partner.
I can now see how my Nmom's personality and behaviors toward me have affected my cognitive thinking and complete and total lack of self-worth. As I've noted before, she and my co-D dad value only people who are extremely famous, powerful and wealthy. No other values count. As a consequence, when I have been job searching or now that I've accepted a job, I feel completely worthless....because I don't measure up....not to them, not to myself. In turn, this sense of failure dictates how I perceive myself in every aspect of life. I'm not worthy of friends or relationships or positive things in life. I have been clinically depressed all my life and I believe much of it stems from this lack of value, lack of self esteem.
If someone were to ask me right now to describe in one word how I feel about myself, I would have to say FAILURE---total and complete. I am nothing...feel like dirt...feel unworthy and can never measure up.
So I feel your pain...because it is mine also. They say Ns are what they are because of a deeply hidden sense of their own lack of self-worth...but instead of insecurity, it manifests itself as grandiosity and superiority.....It's still hard to accept....
I so wish that like others I could feel good about myself, even a little. But I measure myself against others who are only impossibly successful, a level I can and will never reach. I am incapable of being happy with who and what I am at the moment.
It is the loser in me I guess....but this lack of value, lack of self-esteem is at the very core of the issues children or recipients of Ns are left with. It is a life long war to battle....
Thank you for your post.....I am sorry you are feeling as you are...I understnad it...We must fight this as best we can...try to remind ourselves we are not worthless....that we have value..even though the Ns in our life never once acknowledged that fact.
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Were you the scapegoat of the family, Sun? Ami
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Hi Ami:
I'm not really sure how the term "scapegoat" is defined. I will say I was the one who was ignored the most...I was the one who was put in the position of trying to keep the peace....I was the one who was always the most sensitive and felt the pain and pull of the Ns in my family---my mom and sister the most. Because I also had an Nsister who treated me badly from a very young age on along with an Nmom, I think I felt the feelings of failure and unworthiness the most. Attention always focused on my Nmom and Nsis.....my "baby" brother was the focus of my Nsis growing up and I tended to be invisible....I never caused trouble, always got good grades....but I was always depressed from a young age---just no one around to notice it.
So I do understand Gratitude's feelings...In fact, it is the core of my personal issues....This total lack of failure...perhaps that's why suicidal thoughts have never been too far....No value, no worthiness, no purpose in life.
Perhaps you can share with me your own definition of a scapegoat? I've heard the term but I've never really seen it adequately explained.
By the way, I'm afraid I was out of the loop when news of your son came through on the board. I only very recently read the posts of sympathy. Please add mine to that list. Perhaps more than some, I can understand what you are going through and what your son must have gone through. My very heartfelt expression of sympathy go out to you Ami. I pray you will reach out to others including the friends you have here when you are having a bad moment....
Sunblue
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Oh Sun,
That is so sweet.
Your words are so helpful and comforting,Sun.
By scapegoat, I mean the 'bad" one in the family. The family can polarize the good child(golden) and the bad child(scapegoat). Your sister seemed to be "golden.
Scott was the "golden child ' for my H .
It is unbelievable how good people have been to me, on the board and 3D. i always have s/one to call or s/one to come over if I need it.
I have been given so much love!! Thanks Sun, Love Ami
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Gratitude - thank you for this topic. I completely identify with these thoughts and struggles because they are mine too. I feel that this is possibly my most painful area. Reading this topic seemed to help me break through some denial and also into some clarity in some small respects.
I don't have time for a long post now but I hope I will get a chance to contribute some more thoughts and share some of my story too, here.
Sunblue, that is so sad that no one noticed that you were sad and depressed. No one nurtured you and valued you and that is just heartbreaking and so wrong. I feel so sad and also angry on your behalf, that it occurs to me I am feeling those feelings also perhaps on my behalf. Usually I don't seem to feel things on my own behalf.
Sun, congratulations that you accepted that job. I know you feel badly about it and desperate but I think it's a wonderful, positive, survival oriented step and so very, very valuable.
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Gratitude, I have been thinking a lot about the after effects of what was done to us in the past and how we try and get passed them. I have been through a whole cycle, including forgiveness of those narcs that hijacked my life but I still trip up. I trip up because we have been brainwashed into believing we are someone we are not. I notice a number of people have addressed the issue of shame and I apologize to anyone, who feels that I have stepped on their toes, by posting this. That was not my intention. I just feel that there are several ways to tackle our issues and no one way is right for all of us. I struggled through some incredibly intellectual discussions and still couldn’t come to grips with this whole issue. It might be a cultural issue. I don’t know but I did find this seemingly light weight and easy to understand synopsis about shame. I thought I would share it. I know a lot of people who have talked about shame, have also contributed to this discussion. Once again, I am sorry if I have offended anyone/
About Shame
http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/shame.html
SHAME AND GUILT
Shame is not the same as guilt.
When we feel guilt, it's about something we did.
When we feel shame, it's about who we are.
When we feel guilty we need to learn
that it's OK to make mistakes.
When we feel shame we need to learn
that it's OK to be who we are!

WHERE SHAME COMES FROM
Shame comes from being taught
that we are worthless or bad or something similar.
It comes in childhood from adults who say things like:
"You'll never amount to anything!"
"You are worthless!"
"I wish you were never born!"
"Shame on you!"
It also comes from severe physical discipline
since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child:
"You don't matter at all!
Only what you do matters!"
And shame comes from being humiliated for our behavior.
It comes from adults who say:
"What would the neighbors think of you if they knew...?"
"You look ridiculous!"
"Don't you have any pride?"
"What's wrong with you anyway!?"
And it comes from being threatened
with shaming, or physical discipline, or humiliation.
When we are threatened with these things,
the psychological message is the same:
"I can and will treat you any way I want to...
You are a worthless weakling at my disposal!"

WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SHAMED?
People who are shamed
have to live in the same world as all the rest of us
but they have to live in it
with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless.
The amount of continuous pressure
a deeply shamed person feels is immense.
When they are doing well,
they think it's only a matter of time
before they are discovered as useless.
When they make mistakes,
they expect a terrifying degree of anger
from the people they disappoint.
Every act is a "test"
- and they are convinced
that it's only a matter of time
before they fail completely.

LIVING IN SHAME AND LIVING "AS IF" YOU ARE O.K.
Some people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives to prove that they are worthless!
The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts,
and impulsive criminals are good examples.
Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen
and to be recognized "for who I really am."
But since they actually believe they are worthless,
they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness
to everyone in their lives.
They don't hurt their families and friends because they don't love them
or because they want to hurt them.
They hurt their families and friends
out of this need to be "known"
- and out of the wrong belief that they are worthless.
Most people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth.
These are the people who are constantly worried
about what you think of them,
and who constantly think
that you are judging them.
When you tell them they did a good job
they feel good for a few minutes,
but they soon feel worthless again
(and think that you wouldn't like them
if you "really" knew them).
If you tell them they did a poor job
they will either feel a strong urge to cry
or they will show an immense amount of anger
at you for saying such a "horrible" thing!
They don't understand
you are only commenting on the last thing they did.
They think you are commenting on them,
and on their worthlessness as human beings.

WHAT HELPS?
People who've been deeply shamed
need to be fully loved and accepted and valued!
Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them.
Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them.
Most people need a therapist along the way
who shows them their value,
and who, perhaps more importantly,
helps them to stop
all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth.
Every person who is overcoming shame
will need to have many sources of love and acceptance.
One lover or friend or therapist is never enough.
The more totally they can trust these new sources of love in their life,
the more deeply they will accept the love they need.
(The love of less trustable people is also valuable, of course
- just not nearly as valuable.)
Overcoming shame takes a long time.
But it is well worth it for the moment
when the deeply shamed person finally says
with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice:
"You know, I really am a good person!"
EVERYONE:

Shame: What You Can Do About It
http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/shame2.html
Most of us have problems with shame, to one degree or another.
The first article in this series ("About Shame")
helped you to learn if you have a big problem with shame.
This second article is for anyone who finds any shame in their life.

YOUR OVERALL GOAL
To overcome shame, you need to learn that
it's OK to be who you are!
To get there, you must have
and absorb deeply
many separate moments
of being accepted, loved, or valued.
I'll be giving you some practical ideas about how to do this.

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO YOU
Stop relying on anyone who treats you as if you are not OK.
Spend more and more of your time with
the people who know you are OK the way you are.
And let them know more and more about you.
Choose your relationships based on how you are treated
- not just on whether the other person feels "comfortable."
[We are "comfortable" with what we are used to
- even when it's bad for us!]
Treat people the way you want to be treated.
It's contagious.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU POORLY
Tell them to stop it!
If they keep it up, don't tell them over and over.
This is like "begging."
It makes you feel weak in their presence.
You need to feel strong when you have to be around such people!
Expect people who treat you badly
to keep it up
and hold them responsible
for how they treat you.
Hold yourself responsible
for how much time you spend with them,
how you respond to their mistreatment,
and whether you take their opinions seriously.
When people imply that you aren't valuable,
they are wrong.
You must learn how to throw away such comments immediately.
(You know how angry you get when you are treated this way.
This anger is your guide.
It tells you that this person's opinion of you is worthless
and can be thrown away without question.)
Know that only a few people are likely to treat you poorly.
The rest of us are ready to treat you well!
(If you catch yourself thinking otherwise,
at least remind yourself that I am positive you are wrong!)

NEXT...
The suggestions coming up next are even more important than what you've read so far.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU WELL
Absorb it!
Always take at least a few seconds
to FEEL the good feelings you get when you are treated well.
Let your appreciation show.
(Your natural smile will do just fine!)
Showing your appreciation reinforces the other person
and encourages them to stay around you longer.
Don't talk yourself out of it!
Most compliments are honest.
Even when someone is trying to manipulate you they say things they mean!
Turn down the manipulation
but accept the compliment!
For example:
"Thanks for noticing how attractive I am,
but I still don't want to give you my phone number."
and,
"Thanks for noticing I have good taste in cars,
but I still won't pay what you are asking for this one."

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT LATER
The most important factor in overcoming shame is
how you treat yourself when you get home!
When you've been treated poorly
how do you treat yourself afterwards?
The Unhealthy Option:
Focus on yourself and wonder if they were right
about the bad things they said!
"Maybe they are right and I am a jerk!"
"Maybe I am stupid!"
The Healthy Option:
Focus on your anger at the mistreatment!
"What a jerk he was!"
"What's wrong with someone like that!?"
"Who asked for her opinion?!"
When you've been treated well
how do you treat yourself afterwards?
Do you relax and think about the good things?
Do you mentally recycle the best parts?
Do you notice how much you agree about your good qualities?
Do you take the time to ENJOY feeling good?

ANSWERS TO THE USUAL OBJECTIONS
Q: "What about all the horrible mistakes I made in my life?"
A: "You needed to make them, to learn.
Now that you know they were mistakes, you have learned!"
Q: "What about all the people I've hurt?"
A: "And what about all the people they've hurt?
Hurting each other is awful, but it's part of life."
Q: "Won't I keep screwing up if I don't feel ashamed?"
A: "It never stopped you in the past!
Shame doesn't control you. YOU control you."
Q: "This is all B.S.! I'm bad, and I know it, and I need to feel this way."
A: "Your pain is only a warning.
You've got your warning.
Feeling more of it won't help anything."
Q: "We all need to suffer or else terrible things will happen in this world!"
A: "If you ever meet the mean people who taught you that,
tell them I said they were full of it!"
Kim in Oz, struggling to understand this concept of shame and worth.
-
That REALLY helped ,Kim. Thank you SO much. Right before Scott died( a few months) God sent me s/one to love me.That love is loosening up my shame. I AM feeling like I can love myself.
Ami
-
I am special because I am GOING TO BE A GRANDMA! And because despite the robbing of my self at a young age I was able to produce three great kids! I do not know what I did other than just LOVE them and accept them for who they are. I was thinking about what everyone said about child rearing-break their will but not their spirit-well my mom came pretty near to taking my spirit! Boy but there was a little glimmer of spirit left and I am stoking that fire!
-
Dear Kelly,
I can tell that you were a great Mom--honest, accepting, funny, being able to separate the essential from the nonessential.
I think that you will enjoy every minute of your D's pregnancy and the baby, when it arrives.
You deserve good things . Your M has taken away enough from you.
She could not rob you of the joy of your children , though. Love Ami
-
I read these posts during Spring Break, but did not take the time to respond and thank you all, so I am going to do so now. They really helped me a lot.
Kimberli,
Thank you for the posting about shame and guilt. I am still separating one from the other and figuring out what is mine, and what comes from without. It is hard to know what is what when your childhood included everything mashed together and used as a tool to bring about compliance. So... I find I have little shame now that I am honest with myself. I amke my decisions based on my beliefs now, so I do not need shame in my life. I think shame comes from meking decisions that are forced on us... (some shame). I have also lost almost all guilt feelings. With being more secure in my life, I have no need now for the guilt (although I am sure it could be provoked!!).
Sun, bean,
I am working on accepting myself as I am... and Sun, I am glad you took the job. I am actually happy at my job, although it is far, far from what I wanted. I have a nice working atmosphere and am surrounded my kind people. How can that not be good? I had a job that was "perfect" as far as my NM was concerned (money, position, close to fame) and the people were vicious(sp) and uncaring and I dreaded work each day. So... how can I believe this is not better????
Love, Beth