Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on March 17, 2008, 08:39:10 AM
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Last night,I had a revelation. My best friend told me , several weeks ago, that I HAD to think in a "Me,Me,Me" way. My M shamed and scared me very badly when I was self caring or self protective..She wanted to make sure that my internal power was "shut off"
I, then, shut it off,in myself, even though she was far away.
I got a stomach ache whenever I felt my own power. I did not nurture myself b/c I did not want to anger "her". I stopped playing musical instruments, which I loved.
I went in to a' shut down" mechanism, based on 'complying" with what she programmed me for----to not have a self .
Now, I see that it is healthy and NEEDED to put yourself, first. If not, you are out of order.
If not, you will ask the "outside" to define you and "heal" your pain.I am just at the beginning of this leg of the journey. Can anyone relate? Ami
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Wow, Ami.
I came on this a.m. and there are 10 posts from you and another new thread!
Maybe that's an example of feeling your own power?
I think you are finding new ways to describe the same experience.
You (used to) get sick and/or anxious every time you related to yourself in a natural, unforced way.
The way people who love themselves do automatically.
They don't think about themselves as cores plus other parts, except on occasions when deep language is called for.
You really do have it figured out, Ami. The cerebral part.
Hooking it all up is like attaching a hose with multiple complex fittings, for irrigation to be able to live.
Each separate realization is a leak or a balky connector, and you're fixing them one at a time.
Maybe the most important thing is that the water is flowing, and every human being has a complex, leaky hose.
Every single one.
Some detect and are alarmed by and work with their leaks, others just figure it's all part of the big flow.
Some feel that if a drop escapes in the wrong spot they are bad gardeners and whatever they grow will be stunted.
Others see that the soil can absorb water in different places and different ways than the pattern they had intended.
Hope my metaphors aren't as strangled as they seem this morning, I'm half-awake...
Hops
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Glimmers of hope. Every once in awhile I will do something out of the ordinary like once I bought myself a Coach purse. Believe it or not THAT IS something that is self nurturing. I still feel too fat to feel good in my skin. Part of me has always wanted to be thin enough!
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From one drip to another, I love you, Hops.
Carolyn
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I can relate to that, Ami. I was such a doormat growing up and in my young adult years. I was so afraid of displeasing anyone that I never said 'no'. In therapy, I began trying it out - saying 'no' on a small scale if the 'no' was true to me. I would shake, get sick to my stomach, hear screams in my head. I couldn't function after I said it 'cuz I was so terrified. I remember spending hours on the bathroom floor, wretching with dry heaves. My T finally told me I must be a powerful person if it took that many 'screaming people' to try to keep one little me in line, to try to make me stay compliant. I'll never forget that, how frightening it was to take my power in my own hand and exercise it.
Does that compare to your experience?
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Dear Hops,
Could you explain your post, more.
Thanks Ami
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Dear Kelly, Amber and Kate,
Thanks for your posts. Amber, you are right that self acceptance gives us "something worthwhile to protect--ourselves.
Kate,I can see how hard it would be for you to claim your own power b/c you must had been so shamed and punished for it ,as a child.
Kelly, I always remember your "Coach " purse story.Boy, I would buy ANY purse which would translate in to self esteem----even carry an ugly suitcase (lol) Ami
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Ami.....i feel like i suffered in a similar way as you growing up. It was completely forbidden for me to think of myself and any need i had was severly shamed. I split these needs off as something forbidden and "bad". I'm going to recover them as my own. Thanks for sharing with your valuable insight. Love James
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You are so sweet,James.I am glad that I am not alone in healing these things. We will get there together! Love Ami
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Ami, i know we will!!! Did you read my last post to Darren? I really feel shocked after writing my story. I was delusional about what happened. It's feels mindbending to see this now in a clearer way. Did you ever experience this? James
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I just read your last post to Darren. It IS a shock when other people react strongly to YOUR childhood,b/c it is ,as you said, "normal" to you.
I felt the same way and still do, when people are shocked when I tell them about my M.I still feel surprised. This happened last week ,with Ann. Ann said that my M was "perverted" and stole my values and morals b/c she wanted to feel "safe". If I was "confident", she could not feel safe.
Ann said that my M stole my core. quite frankly. It always does shock me ,anew, to see a new person's horrified expression to my M. I think that is part of what you mean, James-Right?
I think that you( and I) normalized our childhoods b/c we "had" to, in order to survive.When Scott died, I went in to shock and still am in shock, I think. However, I realized s/thing VERY big. I went in to shock ,as a child too, and stayed in shock for my entire life.
We could not face HOW bad our childhood was or we would have gone insane.
That is why you feel so "unreal" and weird as you see the truth(IMO)
You are doing SO well. Trust me ,James. You are really coming alive,little by little. HUGS Ami
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Ami i agree with you, it was my only way to survive too. The illusions are a big part of the shock? It does feel stange and unreal to see how much shock i've been in. I can hardly grasp this reality. I think it's a big step forward as uncomfortable as it is. James
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We don't have to prove to anybody that we have a right to exist
So true, we do not have to prove ourselves to anyone, not at all.
Leah x
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Yeah, Let's tell the body cells!
Love Ami
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Ami...this has been a very different day for me. I really havent laughed in quite awhile. It feels something like a cork popping. For the first time in a long while i even found myself laughing at my parents and their craziness. It's making me feel a little crazy though. I'm thinking of what they did and it just doesn't fit that i would laugh about any of it. It makes me worry that i'm completely seperating from my true feelings. Do you think this is normal? Completely underwater a few days ago and now this? Maybe i'm experiencing taking back a little power and this is some sorta odd reaction? James
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Laughing is VERY healthy. It is one of the ways to cope with pain. When you can laugh about anything, you are on your way to healing.
I know that I can laugh about my M's craziness in a way I could not before.
Once when I was going to college. She took me to the airport.(We were all afraid of flying in my family).As I was getting ready to board the plane, I asked her if she wanted me to call when I got there.
She said,"No , I'll hear if the plane crashes."
Now, I can laugh about it.
James, if you are like me, you are afraid of your feelings. When any different feeling comes out, you get nervous.. I still am afraid of my feelings, so I understand.Today, I had a "new" feeling and I felt very unsettled and insecure.
Laughter is very healing and shows that YOU are healing. I am so happy to see your progress. I feel a joy in my heart, James! Love Ami
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Ami...maybe you're right. The feeling of laughter feels strange. Guilt associated with that a least with me. Thats nuts what you're Nm said probably knowing you were afraid of flying. The rage and hate lies unseen in the abuser's unconscious and it comes with precision and on target. Hate sealed with a kiss sorta thing. It really messes with our reality as a child and for me it even seemed to grow worse thru my adult life. James
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Shirley Temple with a shiv (lol) Ami
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Ami,
I remember once when my T asked me to describe my personality, I said "well, I don't really have one" When questioned further, I admitted that I was whatever anyone wanted me to be so I didn't know who I really was. About time to fine the "me" in all of us?
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Dear Alone,
There IS a you ,in there. Fear buries the real us,but it IS in there. I know it is beautiful, too. Love Ami
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I DO relate. I had to surrender to my parents. Everything that was me wasn't acceptable. Couldn't have my own opinions, tastes, feelings, preferences. It was so strong that I programmed myself to not decide anything alone. Everything had to be subjected to them first. Total mind control. If I did anything for me, I felt guilty. I remember when I had my first really serious girlfriend, I felt that I was betraying somebody. I still wonder if it wasn't my mother, who taught me to be an appendage of her.
There's a reason self-help books and counselors explain that "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself" means that it is your obligation to love you first.
Another very known observation is the inflight announcement: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children". If you aren't OK how are you going to be able to help anyone?
But our parents didn't want us to be autonomous, they wanted us to be quiet.
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Htt,
THAT was brilliant.It says it all. Thank you for your insight! Love Ami
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Hardtotrust......for many of its surrender or die! James
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Thank you, Ami!
You're right, James! No option was offered or acceptable.
Hugs.
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Dear Htt and James,
As we were writing these posts,I really "got it" that we didn't have a choice. We bent and morphed for pure survival, not b/c there was anything wrong with us(Light bulb going off--lol) Love Ami
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I just remembered that some psychologists say that one of the first phases of individuation occurs when the child learns to lie. Today I understand that as having your own thoughts, without the necessity of approval by others all the time (something I became able to do only recently).
Since our parents were "inside our heads" bossing us very early, IMO we didn't pass through that phase very smoothly (if we did passed), so our individuation process was damaged.
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I, STILL, don't have my own thoughts ,without approval of my M, in my head----bleh(lol) Ami
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AMI.............exactly Ami, its done without conscious awarness as a child for protection. We as adults battle continually until we unlock the nature of our conconscious and find the truth. Then we are free to leave behind old struggles and find freedom now as we make the connections. James
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Because of our talk here, I had a big breakthrough ,just now. I was supposed to go some place with my H. As I was starting to get ready, I realized that I did not want to go, so I told him I wasn't going.
In the past, I could never, ever go "against" something he wanted to do.
I feel like I have a new paradigm where *I* have choice .
It was symbolic of my life, always doing everything to please others, not asking MY inner self mif it felt
'right" or wrong.
Thanks James! Hugs Ami
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Ami.....good for you!!!! It really is the child's repressed fear of the parents which the adult is unaware of that forces us to deny our true wishes thru old fears. We fail to see this NOW because of repression in the brain. Right? Love James
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Babies also seem to think they are masters of the Jedi mind trick, using steady eye contact as a distraction technique. Another 11-month-old, upon being presented with toast she didn't want to eat, would hold eye contact with her mother while discreetly chucking the toast onto the floor.
"She's very sneaky," the mother told Dr. Reddy, "she thinks you can't see it."
I wonder if these cunning infants have turned into narcissists!
This was interesting.
My nephew is three, he throws tantrums which are a form of manipulation.
Children manipulate, that is a fact but what makes a child stay a child, or grow up to be an adult with an emotional intelligence of age 3, is their belief that they are bad and do not deserve love, therefore, the only way they can get the love that they are so hungry/starved for is by manipulation.
Hopefully, kids will outgrow manipulating for what they want, if the parents loves them enough to discipline them.
The sad thing is for the N is that they never outgrow manipulation.
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Hi Ami...
Not surprised my sleepy post didn't make a lot of sense.
I'm not sure it does to me either.
I think it just hit me that it seems as though you are describing a basic personality truth ("I am") in many many different ways. And that's what it takes. Doing all these posts is perhaps, like quilting. Each little piece is important, and
you're adding each to the quilt one at a time.
Sometimes each looks like the same thing, but it's adding up. Soon, you'll be covered in your wholeness.
Make sense?
Hops