Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: BlueTopaz on July 31, 2004, 01:13:56 PM
-
Hi everyone.
I am starting a new job in one week. It is a very large, corporate style company, and the environment is very social and click-ish (I noticed this on my several interviews).
Because of my background and voicelessness issues, I have never done well in these kinds of environments (my former position was not as such). In fact, I don’t even wish to try to ‘fit in”. It all seems so juvenile- like grade school or something.
Just to be clear, I’m not saying that I don’t want to make the effort to be friendly, approachable, and to meet new people. I do. What I am saying is that the means of going about it, or the societal styles (games, judgements, clicks, etc.) has never been one that has made much sense to me, or one I’ve wanted to be part of. It can be pretty cut-throat, and it all just reminds me of the dysfunction I grew up with.
I am a very genuine person, who really can't even relate to certain mentalities that society has conformed to. I literally do not understand them, and don't know how to "be" in them. Well, without becoming hostile I suppose. Meaning, if someone was rude with me, I'd probably tell them off on the spot, which is not exactly appropriate for the business enviroment!
I think there is an element of emotional immaturity there because I am inexperienced in that type of enviroment, and also because I am just plain tired of being in dysfunctional environments (childhood, former N-partner). I just want to be around the people of my choosing, that go along with the healthy life I am trying to now build for myself. So, in terms of work and a sticky situation with someone where they are just being a jerk on a personal level (I can handle bonefide professional conflicts very well), I'm worried that a very primal emotion of rage would take over.
I am in my 30’s and feel like I am 16 again, in terms of social apprehension. It is really worrying me a lot, and so now this is becoming one of those absolute nightmare times where I wish I could just disappear into thin air. I haven't felt this way in over a decade...
I never wanted to work in such an enviroment and have always steered clear of these kinds. But cirumstances are that I have to, at least in the short term.
Since many here are trying to heal from voicelessness issues as well, and have had dysfunctional parental input in terms building your self-image, confidence, esteem (as I have), coming from such psychology, I am wondering if you have any advice on how to deal with being heard and respected in the workplace, or just “fitting in”.
Also, if there are any websites\online articles that you are aware of that address this, I would really appreciate a link.
Thanks….
-
BlueTopaz,
If you passed several interviews, you must be qualified for the position. I doubt if your coworkers will try to provoke a rage attack. They are probably ready to like or at least accept you. If you're certain there are jerks there, I bet there are a hundred books on "how to deal with difficult people." Do a search on amazon, I bet you will find lots of help there.
bunny
-
Bunny-thanks.
I'm not at all worried about the professional aspect or being qualified for the job. I know I am. I'm worried about the emotional part of things. The culture/sub culture of large companies.
I hear soooo many stories from friends about tyrant bosses, workplace bullies, all of the back-stabbing and childish meanness, exclusion, etc. that goes on.
Maybe I am focusing too much on this, because it is what I fear. I should try to shift my focus. But, it does not help that I've never felt as a child or adolscent, that I've fit in to certain enviroments. This job situation is the epitomy of that type of environment, and these insecure feelings are coming back to haunt me.
I'm specifically worried that the dysfunction (office politics) that is notorious for going on in so many work places will evoke feelings in me related to the dysfunction of my childhood, and the rage and frustration I feel about having been voiceless, seemingly invisible, etc., will cause me to overreact or act inappropriately.
I'm afraid of becoming someone viewed as some kind of anti-social deviant, who does not fit in, because I have reacted openly to someone's subtle (but crystal clear to me) put down, undermining, or shunning, etc. In these cases, you know exactly what is going on, but since it is so subtle an non-obvious to others, you appear as the "crazy" one if you react in any way.
I don't want to be "invisible" again, or voiceless again, or to be involved in old hat psych. games with unaware people who are still playing them.
I just don't want to have to deal with ongoing dysfunction in my life anymore, and I'm afraid I will "blow". At my age (mid 30's) I've had enough. "Paid my dues", and I want to be able to choose the people I interact with on a regular basis. Unfortunately, it is not the case here.
I'm trying to reconcile remaining professional and dealing with dysfunction, with my emotional state that has no tolerance for dysfunction, anymore, because of my history.
I'll be checking the net for info./a lifeline, for certain, and I'll try to control my anticipatory anxiety. After all, none of what I wrote about has even happened yet!
It is just that childhood wounds, biases, fears, are very strong and enduring.
Appreciate your reply...
-
Hi Blue Topaz,
In addition to coping with individual people, I think you are referring to office politics which can be tricky. The group mentality. My advice is to accept that office politics are necessary and to see what unspoken values are the real agenda. Eg. "youth" was the agenda at one of my past jobs. The image the corp. wanted to hold up was "boy wonder" and "genius" and power. That and making lots and lots of money. If you didn't fit those criteria, you at least had to come from a pedigreed background like Harvard or a blueblood family that had a relative already in the corp. Outside interests, esp. family, was verboten. It was like a cult.
OK, that's probably the worst possible light I can shed on this incredibly successful company. It was hard to accept that I didn't fit in there, but that was the truth. I didn't fit that particular mold and finally wised up. Not good or bad, just not working. I'm learning that humans want to know how we are alike before we can accept how we are different. I don't like to operate like this either, but I'm realizing that this is my own personal obstacle to connection.
Because of my upbringing I thought I had to pursue a career in business. I'm actually quite happier out of that environment and now fully embrace other possibilities. I've also watched my BIL try to fit his family expectations of white-collar success when he clearly isn't suited for it. He has many talents which go unrecognized.
Anyway, I would go into this new job with an open and positive attitude. You obviously have made many observations that will serve you well and you can navigate the new job well if you figure out the people part as well as the task part. I used to try to ignore the people part and simply do the best job I could, hoping to be rewarded for that (how naive adn so similar to my family experience!) and I now know that it (people politics)is essential.
Good luck to you! Seeker
-
Hi BT,
PS, I guess we were writing at the same time... :) There's a website about workplace bullying which I hope will empower you. Um, it's a bit more about people who have already been victimized, but I would encourage you to look for books about how to protect yourself politically before this happens. Many management books about organizational behavior etc. might help. you know, stuff like "swim with the sharks without getting bitten" type stuff.
Don't let 'em see you sweat! 8) Bye now, Seeker
I think the URL is bullyingonline.com
-
All workplaces have a mix of people. I would initially assume that people's intentions are good. Assume they don't intend to put you down or undermine you. I think the best way to create a positive impression is to be warm, show a sense of humor, and be yourself. I work in a place where new people join the group all the time. We old members are all apprehensive at their arrival even though we outnumber them. So your new coworkers may be nervous about your judgment of them.
The main thing is to command respect. I don't care what people say behind my back as long as they respect me to my face. All I ask is for people to treat me respectfully. If they don't, they will learn that I don't like it. It doesn't necessarily change anything but I will stand up for myself. A rage attack or scene isn't required to do this. You can stand up for yourself without resorting to that. I know you can do it.
The office isn't a popularity contest. You don't have to like all of them and all of them don't have to like you. If there is truly an atmosphere of backstabbing, manipulation, and severe abuse, I would rather work at a greasy spoon cafe. I'd quit the office for my own health. It can make a person physically ill to work in an abusive place.
If one must earn a living, one will inevitably deal with dysfunction. There is no workplace where dysfunction doesn't exist and everyone is mature! If you find such a place, please let me know. My philosophy is to strategize with the sick people I'm forced to deal with, and befriend those who are on my wavelength. Oh - and I see a therapist and take meds. I also borrow xanax from coworkers when I have to! :wink:
bunny
-
Hi Seeker- thanks for your reply. It’s a good time to tell you that I enjoy your posts very much.
In addition to coping with individual people, I think you are referring to office politics which can be tricky. The group mentality.
Yes, precisely. Both. I understand what you are saying about the “agendas” so well......
My advice is to accept that office politics are necessary……
Anyway, I would go into this new job with an open and positive attitude. You obviously have made many observations that will serve you well and you can navigate the new job well if you figure out the people part as well as the task part. I used to try to ignore the people part and simply do the best job I could, hoping to be rewarded for that (how naive adn so similar to my family experience!) and I now know that it (people politics)is essential.
I will heed your advice. I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist or try to completely isolate myself from it. I don’t want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I think I would be, if I tried to resist what has been ingrained long before I came along. I need to find a way to deal with it. I think this is a very important point- and I’m so glad you brought it up. I think I may have gone in trying to resist it. I will work on that this week. I have this week off, then I will start the new thing the following Mon.
I will also check the genre of online articles and websites that you mention. I will be busy reading & mentally preparing this next week.
Thanks again Seeker… :D
-
All workplaces have a mix of people. I would initially assume that people's intentions are good.
Hi Bunny-sounds like very good advice. I think you are right- that attitude going in, would serve me best. I will work on changing my mind-set to do just that.
The main thing is to command respect. I don't care what people say behind my back as long as they respect me to my face. All I ask is for people to treat me respectfully. If they don't, they will learn that I don't like it. It doesn't necessarily change anything but I will stand up for myself.
I like the idea of commanding respect. Just don’t know if I have the energy anymore to have to put out, with difficult people (the ones that will disrespect you to your face). But I like what you said about just standing up for oneself, whether it changes anything externally or not. Internally, it would mean something important.
Hmmm... commanding respect might be like an air of confidence and self assurance. I think I can put it on, until I actually feel more like it. Kind of like what Seeker said “don’t let them see you sweat”.
Thanks very much for the encouragement, and input...
-
Blue Topaz,
http://finance.groups.yahoo.com/group/bullyonline/ is a yahoogroup a friend introduced me to awhile back. Although I didn't join, I believe she learned alot there and got the support she needed.
Good luck. And post a follow-up if you feel like it. :)
-
Thank you very much for the link, Dawning. By the way, you are also someone who's messages I always get very much out of, and relate so very well to, personally.
I will join for sure, and check through the archives. Hmmm... likely right now actually, as I'm not sleepy yet (2:00 am here!)
I will likely post a follow-up after the first week (that is two weeks from now, as job starts the 9th).
Many thanks again :)
-
bye
-
Hi Phoenix
No- I’ve never read that, but having come out of a relationship with an N, the title certainly speaks well… Thanks for the mention of it.
I’m so glad that you have been able to turn things around so well! It seems like a really big change has taken place for you. I’m really intrigued by how you made such a big change.
I know I won’t be able to get to the bookstore (the quickest way to get something vs. ordering) this week (and I start job next week) but I will put that on my list. I have resorted to reading online about these things for now.
By the way, Seeker (if you are reading this) and for anyone else, the bullying site link you posted is really excellent. It contains so much detailed information about bullying, including legal avenues. I didn't expect it to be so rich with info.
Anyway, I had been romantically involved with a man with strong N traits for 5 years, and when that ended about a year ago, I read all I could (tons) about Nism, and joined several discussion forums to read about others experiences with N’s, as well.
The main crux put forth in terms of dealing with unreasonable N’s or difficult people in general (such as one might find in the workplace), seemed to be indifference.
Is this what Sandy H. says to do, in the book? Is this what has helped you so much?
Can you tell me, just briefly, the main idea as to why she thinks certain people get targeted over & over?
I don’t think I have ever been a perpetual bully-target in life, but I know I react badly in certain situations (this job is the epitomy of such a situation), which could attract trouble situations to me.
But in terms of xN partner, I know I attracted that relationship (i.e. was a detectable target) & stayed in it so long, because of faulty, and low self beliefs. I have thinking patterns I'm trying to heal, or targeting because of what I'm putting out as acceptable to me would be repeated.
Thanks....
BlueT.
-
bye
-
Phoenix,
Thanks sooooooooo much for taking the time to look through the book for me. I truly appreciate it.
Just started a new job too? It’s helpful to hear from someone going through same thing. Sheesh… it didn’t take long at all for trouble to come calling, did it! Yes, I’ve witnessed the types. Their sheer immaturity is really what has them acting so asinine, and there is nothing in the world one can say to reason with them, as it is though they haven’t quite yet even developed the emotional ability to reason in a certain manner. Well, come to think of it, that is the descrip. of an N, too. Stuck at a lesser developmental stage emotionally. Luckily for some (where it is just age-related), it is something they grow out of!
That is just where indifference chimes in, I suspect. I love what you say about indifference being the canceling point. I will remember that phraseology.
I have my work cut out for me because both my thinking & physiology have become accustomed to feeling rage if feel that I am being very blatantly mistreated. I see that this is exactly what you are referring to, when you mention about our catering to these kinds of dynamics.
I know that is what fed xN in the former relationship. My emotional reactions of hurt, frustration, etc.
I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided I will look at it like a little game, and also a little challenge I can give myself…. I will try to actually take pleasure in my indifference, knowing how smart I am being, and knowing that I am learning something really valuable that will serve me always…
It is like what you are saying, when you can see her faltering when coming up against her own powerlessness hehe… That would be scoring a goal, shooting a hoop, a 40 love… lol….
I was catering to the nonsense I had spent my life defending myself against; but more, I felt willing .
Yessss…. Myself also with the catering, and more than willing, I felt compelled…. Now, I will have the opportunity to use an alternate way… A challenge, but I'm trying reeeeeally hard here, to see it as an exciting one (argh)...
Thanks so much again Phoenix, and congratulations on working your indifference stuff so well!! It is truly inspiring to me (it will help me to think about what you've been able to do, if I get into such a situation), and I hope you are proud of yourself.
Thankfully, in your case this person is leaving, but if another comes along, you know you can handle it. Though, as you are giving out a dif. energy, they might only come along few & far between, and retreat pretty darn quickly… :shock:
Take care!
BT
-
BT,
What I've learned in decades of working in an office environment. I've rarely had to think much about this stuff, it's now second-nature to me.
--- Pick my battles.
--- Keep a fairly low profile.
--- Don't worry about what's said behind my back, who cares.
--- Make friends with the respectable, reliable people.
--- Be pleasant, reliable and professional. Gain people's respect. Then if a troublemaker dislikes me, she will have a very hard time undermining me.
--- I don't have to be best friends with people.
--- Avoid troublemakers by being boring to them.
--- Find friendly people to vent with.
--- Find friendly people who bring xanax to work.
--- Try to contain or minimize my rage whenever possible. We all have problems; most of us have gotten really angry at work; and no one really wants to deal with a coworker's temper.
--- See a therapist to vent about work.
--- Take time for myself, don't become someone's therapist on the job.
bunny
-
--- Find friendly people who bring xanax to work.
Hehehehehe.... :lol: I'm laughing, but hey, there is a glint of seriousness behind every joke! :wink:
Thanks for the list, Bunny. It's helpful for me, and I can see that you do very well for yourself.
I know I will be re-reading this whole thread several times.
Best...
BT
-
What's Xanax?
-
Onyx,
It's a quick acting anti-anxiety medication. One can find loads of info. about it on the Interent.
Bunny was kidding (er... maybe halfway lol) in saying that if one is going to choose new friends at work, choose those who carry it.
I've never taken any meds, and was laughing because the stress of my upcoming job is making that suggestion seem veeeery attractive (all in fun - in a joking way).
BT
-
:lol: I'd never heard of the stuff so thought it was something like pro plus :lol:
-
bye
-
Hi Pheonix,
This is an old trick. Your boss should know that!! :x If she doesn't, then you already know something else about her experience and competence now, besides the fact that she's a 'flurrier'. hahahaahahahaha
I've worked around cash in restaurants and pubs forever. I've had my own restaurant. Of course money goes missing. All the time. She's trying it on you for size. To see how guilty you look. Look her right back! :shock: Fair in the eyes.
Yeah, the money probably did go missing. But it's such an old old old old trick/con/scam. I've worked with people who've done it. Repeatedly. Some scum know the best time to swipe money or stock is the day or day after a new person starts. Pathetic but true.
Could never nail one guy, but eventually it all fell into place. After couple of years of keeping track. :? Yeah, I'm a bit slow sometimes. And Yep! Nearly everytime he was on with new person (different new people) money always went missing. And plenty of it. One time a whole bag ready to go to the bank. :x Yep, police. Proved nothing. hahahahah Was I really that bad at selecting only thieves as my new staff. Duh! :oops:
Don't fall for feeling guilty. I know it feels awful. You must feel terrible. Especially as you know you didn't. Then you act gotta act like it. Ride it out. You may never solve it. And it doesn't sit well on the resume. Just stare down everyone, and don't!!!! trust the biggest empathisers. And keep notes of each shift, who you're on with in future. That's about all I can recommend.
Even tell the crew you were on with, "If money went missing, then I know one of you so-and-so's must have set me up. Cause I know I didn't take it." Watch their faces and body language. Maybe best to say nothing and just observe. Dunno. Tricky sticky. Just wastin' time now. Chuckin ideas at you. Did you catch any?
Or maybe 'flurrier' mis-counted. It happens too.
Have fun. Glad it's not me. Take care.
-
Phoenix,
If it is a retail store that has been opened for long enough while, I can’t believe that they’ve never been short before, and if it is a new store, it is bound to happen again. But maybe she means never having been short by such a large amount? Still… $30 doesn’t seem that large an amount at all, that it wouldn’t have happened before, in a very long standing store....
Before commenting, I was wondering if the 24 yr. old trouble-maker that you spoke of is an employee (I know you will be replacing her) or your actual boss you are speaking of? Hope not...
BT
-
bye
-
I was greeted in the morning with my boss in a flurry. She was quite agitated. Money was missing from the cash register from the night before. .
Flurrier : noun : someone in a flurry
-
Phoenix,
It is good that the one you referred to, is not your boss. That is what I was wondering before I repying.
What I would do in your situation, is to gather my courage, rehearse beforehand, and ask to speak to my employer/supervisor in private.
I would tell her something like “I know how it must look with my being a new person just having been hired, and a large sum of money suddenly gone missing, where it hasn’t before”. "I know I am not being accused, but I just thought it was very important for me to tell you honestly, and directly, for the record, that I did not take the money”.
I would do this personally for myself, only because I feel it is better than those silent (yet loud as thunder) insinuations left hanging. Sadly, sometimes the awkward quietness can be mistaken for guilt.
That is all you can do, and you know you’ve stood up for yourself. I know everyone is different, but if I were an employer I would really appreciate this comment from the new person.
Since the apparent old trick of stealing when a newbie is hired might not happen a lot at a postal outlet (don’t know) your boss might not be aware of this. But still she might be aware of it just from other life experience. If she is observant, she should also be aware of the attitude problem of the young woman that you speak of, and be able to include this in the mix of things. It really does seem like a very immature, impulsive thing to do, that kind of would stand out to me as being in character with someone I knew to be a bit immature… But it is difficult to say how the supervisor views the 24 yrs. old.
If it is legitimate that money is really missing as opposed to a transaction or counting error, the supervisor no doubt, will be keeping a closer eye on things. If so, nobody will try it again, or they will, and they have a higher chance of getting caught. If it went on, with today’s technology, they could eventually figure it out.
One can buy camera’s that fit into anything. In fact, if it happened again, I’d go to my employer and suggest the idea that they put in a hidden camera to find out who is doing it!
About leaving… This is a tough one… Like you say, who needs the agro… On the other hand, it might serve you to stay a little and see what happens. Just like you elude to, sometimes standing our ground can be looked at as something we are doing for ourselves, to grow and to feel good, instead of "something we are putting up with."
That shift in view makes all the difference, and I’m trying soooo hard to remember this too, as I start my similar venture in just 48 hrs.- gulp…
For me, staying would depend on my mind-set… If I was already in a very, very overwhelmed mode in general, with a lot on my plate in life, I’d probably plan to leave, and see what the next job would bring me. But if I was in an okay mindset in general in life, I’d stay and try to learn about myself, and how I can handle these kinds of things, and grow.
There was time where I’d always just leave uneasy situations, but now I feel it honestly would serve me the best, if I could stay as long as I can, and practice handling these things. I’d always have the ace card (knowing I can always leave down the line) tucked within good reach.
I sooooo much don’t want to listen to my own self & what I wrote above (because it’s scary) but I honestly do think it is the best road to building confidence.
Anyway, that is what I would do, personally. Talk with my boss, and then handle the co-worker situation Sandy H. style :) You already showed indifference by not mentioning anything to the co-workers…
I’d stay for sure until the trouble maker leaves, as I mentioned, things might smooth over without her presence, you just might get along well with the other person.
At the same time, it doesn't hurt to keep up with the job boards & classifieds, just so you know what is out there and what some of your other choices might be, should you want to use them.
My thoughts are definitely with you... We can send each other vibes of strength and courage :)
If you feel like it, I’d be interested in knowing how works out…
BT
-
Hi Blue Topaz,
Just checking in after returning from a short trip. Glad my post was useful. :) Thanks for the kind words.
Hey ya Phoenix,
I can relate to where you are now. I found I had the most confidence when I cared the least about the job! Anyway, I would do what someone above (BT?) suggested: just clear the air about the missing money.
Also, realize that the girl going out on leave is clearly threatened by the possibility that you may replace her PERMANENTLY vs. temporarily. She does not trust the situation which means she doesn't trust the placeholder (you).
Although you are helping out the business and the boss, a youngun wouldn't even begin to think that through. Perhaps she might back off if you said (if this is true), "hey, this is strictly temporary for me. I know the boss and you are really close (if true), and she is really looking forward to you returning when you are able. I hope your pregnancy goes really well. Please don't worry about all this stuff while you are out." Maybe that will defuse this situation.
BTW, speaking of Ns at work, one of the best lines I heard was from a new dept head who was confronted with the N underling who was testing his tolerance for drama. He took one look at her (one look!) and said "take it somewhere else." I wish more managers were that focused!
Take care everybody, Seeker
-
bye
-
Blue Topaz,
Best of luck tomorrow on your first day. The first day is always a stresser for everyone. As an HSP, even more so. Pranayana breathing helps me when I get wound up. 5 counts on the inhale....5 counts on the exhale. And, with all the great advice given on this thread, you are not going in vulnerable.
-
Blue Topaz,
Good luck on Monday. Maybe it will actually be okay! I hope so.
bunny
-
Thanks so much for the well wishes. I really appreciated reading them before going.
I'll write a bit about the experience on the wknd. or something. I'm emotionally exhausted, and it's only been the first day!
Take care...
BT
-
Thanks for checking in, BT. I was thinking of you today. The first day on a new job usually feels 12 hours long!
bunny
-
bye
-
Hi Phoenix & everyone. Thanks for asking Phoenix, I was wondering about your situation, and was going to ask you, too.
I'm still alive! But barely-heh...
Just doing a quick mail check before running out the door, and will post in more detail later today.
Hope your news is good in terms of things working out to being exactly what you feel is the best scenario for yourself, Phoenix.
At least let it be so for one of us! hehe... Whaaaaat a week!
Later :)
BT
-
bye
-
That was an interesting statement, BT, in light of what happened. I was having huge anxiety attacks and my hands were breaking out with excema, something I suffered once before in my life, twenty years ago. I found myself laying awake all night, unable to sleep. Finally I got sick I am sure from exhaustion and anxiety. (I am concerned a bit as I was bitten seven times in three days by mosquitos. WNV?)
One day , I was out in the back lot, checking in one of our UHaul trucks. I just wanted to linger ,it was so peaceful, I could smell the pine, the dirt. I wanted so much to get into one of those trucks and just drive away.I finally faced that it just wasn't going to work for me.
I live next door to my mom, I rent from her. I've been hanging in here at the condo, for financial benefits to her, until next spring. My mom is alot of fun, and I have a pretty good relationship with her, but there are some major problems at the same time. She is more dependent on me than I think is good, and her fearful insecure nature is constantly trying to drag me into her fear-filled little world. It is suffocating at times. I am pretty strong in the face of it. Even when she drinks herself into a massive hateful rage; but that is not often.Still.
I finally realized that I just have to go. I have to get free. I think this job was the last straw.
I told my employer that I honestly didn't feel I was learning as fast as she needed me to, and it would take the whole next three months to learn it all. She was very kind about it, she said she noticed that I was having difficulty, and thought it was good that I could recognize this in myself.
So now I have to tell my mom, and I think she will be ok. She knows it has been hard for me here and that I want to be somewhere else.
I am very excited about this. I feel great. My next decision is do I put what I have in storage for now, and move it later when I am settled, or do I just sell it all and start over?
Hi everyone—a little about the week.
Thanks for telling about your job situation as well, Phoenix. I worded that statement like that because I went through the exact same thing as you this week, and when I wrote it, I was thinking that though leaving might not be looked at as the best outcome by others (they might think we are upset or “it’s a shame”) it might very well feel like the best thing in the world for someone truly not wishing, or able to be there.
I also had very bad physiological symptoms. I felt almost delusional by mid-week, and unable to think clearly. By the end of the week, I was not able to focus at all, in terms of retaining any training information. I was going insane at how the clock was moving so slow. I also felt I was becoming very depressed and lethargic, and the quick onset at such depth really surprised me. I was becoming an unfeeling(well, one constant-anxiety), detached, zombie…. and I was going to crack.
This whole way of being is not a normal happenstance for me at all. I can’t remember feeling so emotionally unstable like that in 15 years (since between ages 14 – 21 with anxiety disorder in bloom).
I have to wonder whether the whole thing might seem on the melodramatic side to some, but there really are people whos physiologies truly are not suited to certain environments. I won’t go all into “The highly Sensitive Person” trait thing again, but it was completely related for me. The job was the embodiment of anything I could imagine as a personal nightmare scenario.
I can’t do that type of job for even in the short term. Too bad, because it paid well. Though, what good is money when you are literally out of your mind.
Before this, I had been working in a completely different field for several years, which was really my heart’s work, and able to do it about 25-30 hrs./week. The organization folded, and it is difficult for me to work in the same field in English, as I did.
I live in a primarily French speaking area, and although I can get by with my daily things just fine, I would need to brush up in order to do the type of work I was doing (counseling), solely in French. So in the interim while studying French & looking for other scarce counseling work in Eng., I took on a completely dif. career, in the computer field.
Anyway, I had the same peaceful moments as you describe Phoenix, when we went for a break. I went for a walk several days and just wanted to keep walking so bad. Finally, on Friday, I did. I literally could not go back after lunch. I was really going to go berserk, I felt. I knew heart & soul, that I couldn’t stay another second.
I called the trainer that evening and said that I needed to withdraw because I would miss too much training, due to a personal emergency. My sanity! (little did he know). He said he understood, and wished me well.
There are certainly other kinds of things I can do that aren’t related to counseling in the meantime, it is just that this particular thing I tried is not one of them. I think I kind of sensed this intuitively before going in (and hence the anxious message posted here prior) but thought I should give it a try and find out factually.
So—that is my short-lived job adventure. I kind of feel a bit silly in telling about it and then it being so short-lived, but on the other hand, I’m just so relieved about letting it go to feel that way for long! It was just the right choice for me.
I’m glad the leaving worked out well with your employer too, Phoenix, but much more so, I am really excited for the learning and growth the experience it has brought you. :) It is almost like the U-haul in the alley was a literal personal message to you!
It sounds like you mean that you will not wait until Spring, and instead make plans to go very soon.
It looks like you are about to embark on something very special, and I hope so much that the discussion goes well with your mother. I know you will be able to word things in the best way possible to help things go as smoothly as they can. As you mentioned, she already knows you’ve wanted to be somewhere else, so at least that part will not come as any surprise to her. I’m glad you feel so sure and positive about it- that will give you strength, too.
I am very excited for you, and it would be great to know how things are going along with the process, whenever/if you feel like posting about it.
It is a big step, and I really think you will grow so much from it. :D
BT
-
BlueTopaz,
You obviously did the right thing. I wish you could get a job in the field you're suited for. I hope you can. :D
bunny
-
Thanks so much Bunny! I appreciate that. And thanks for your support during this whole darn thing...
BT :D
-
BlueTopaz,
I was going insane at how the clock was moving so slow. I also felt I was becoming very depressed and lethargic, and the quick onset at such depth really surprised me. I was becoming an unfeeling(well, one constant-anxiety), detached, zombie…. and I was going to crack.
That's a tell-tale sign if I ever heard one. How great that you have such self-awareness to notice this stuff so quickly and take appropriate action for yourself.
Too bad, because it paid well. Though, what good is money when you are literally out of your mind.
There are certainly other kinds of things I can do that aren’t related to counseling in the meantime, it is just that this particular thing I tried is not one of them.
I respect your honesty, courage and integrity. Way to go!!
I kind of feel a bit silly in telling about it and then it being so short-lived, but on the other hand, I’m just so relieved about letting it go to feel that way for long! It was just the right choice for me.
I had a job like this for only one week once. I stared at the time clock too. I quit after 5 days there. A few weeks later, I found a job that was more a long the lines of what I needed at the time. You don't sound silly to me. You sound like you are becoming more and more focused on what you want.
Your story inspires me.
Good Luck in your chosen field!!!! :D
-
{{{Dawning}}} Thanks so much...
I can tell you that this experience would have been different one, from start to finish, had it not been for all of the unconditional support here.
Thanks for mentioning about your short-lived work experience, too.
You don't sound silly to me. You sound like you are becoming more and more focused on what you want.
Yes-this is such a great way to re-look at it! You've really helped me to gain a more empowering perspective on that part of things. :) I was kind of struggling with parts of that area.
Thanks so much again, for lending your encouragment and support. It has really helped me. :D
BT
-
bye
-
Hiya Phoenix…
Thanks a lot for the link.
I don’t have any of her books but am acquainted with her, and I like her work a lot. I like her overall self-development style but really gravitate toward the emphasis on creating work suited to one’s personal self (a huuuuge thing for me, and maybe you too :) ), and her info. re. how to set goals. I’m soooo lousy at it, and it is so, so important!
Visiting the link got me re-interested in her, and I think I’ll do a little reading of her information online after typing this. I truly need all the help I can get regarding goal setting right now.
I’m finding I can’t buy actual books for awhile though, because I have so, so many, that it is becoming overwhelming to choose something to read! I can’t decide which, I read parts of one and then keep switching… I also see that many contain the same messages, said in a different manner.
This is not a bad thing though, because each way of relating will touch people differently, and the diversity is helpful in having the information resonate with more people. I just have to stop buying so many for a time hehe…
When it comes to self development, I have been going with reading authors that I like on the Internet. Many have detailed articles, newsletters, and discussion forums related to their work, and you can really get a lot out of what they have available online.
Speaking of which, I see that Barbara Sher has quite a lot of helpful online info. -- I’m really glad you brought up her name… Going to get busy reading. It’s perfect for it—a very cloudy, cool, grey day here.
I hope you can re-sign out the book again soon enough! :)
Take care...
BT
-
Hi BT and Phoenix,
I'm really gratified by your discussion. I had been feeling like a failure for not fitting into the corporate world and only recently really realized and accepted that I was not suited for it psychologically. In fact, one of my supervisors (one of the more humane ones) told me that I needed to find a place to thrive. That I wasn't thriving where I was. She had gone to bat for me several times and it was clear that it was time to move on.
BT, I saw myself in your last post about books! :) My process has always been to have a whole stack of stuff next to me when I am in a reading mood and I only read parts and flip around constantly. Sometimes I read a book backwards! (that is, last chapter first). I find with self-help stuff it doesn't really matter what order you read it in. I can't remember the last time I read a book cover-to-cover (front to back). :D Thanks for steering us to authors' online sites--good idea.
Hugs, Seeker
-
bye
-
Hey Phoenix,
Are you applying for waitressing jobs? I can't imagine that people actually expect this to be a long-term committment. I know that some people do stay in such a job for years because of a family style environment, lifestyle choice, ownership, or whatever. But that seems like a personal decision, not a management expectation...maybe I'm really off base.
Anyway, rather than try to answer specifically, perhaps you can say something like "I'm planning to stay as long as my contribution is valuable." Yes, it's a hedge but maybe that's a tool you need right now.
Are there places more used to turnover that would serve your needs? You know, places that hire students etc that come and go. Just some thoughts. You probably have figured all this out. Good luck, Seeker
-
Hello :)
Seeker-- I feel very gratified by the discussions here about this, too. I have known for a long while that I am not suited inwardly, but it was understanding why (which came only within the last 2 years in learning that I was a “Highly Sensitive Person”) and then it has been getting rid of the feeling of being a failure and not measuring up, which I have just begun to overcome. When the masses place so much value on a certain thing, have little difficulty doing it, and even strive for it and seem to thrive in it, and even love it, someone who doesn’t fit that can build up a certain negative self image that becomes ingrained over the years.
I am now realizing that some do enjoy this type of environment, yes, but many others feel trapped because of practical/financial reasons or simply not knowing what else to do, and don’t like it either. They are just able to mentally cope with it, whereas some people are not at all geared physiologically, emotionally, or spiritually to even attempt to endure it. It goes a lot deeper than simply not liking what you are doing.
Sheesh what a trying journey… I had to really think on it a few times, but I have found in the end that I am glad I’m this way….
I am now trying to take on the mindset of actually valuing who I am because of my individuality, and all of the special things it holds. There is so much to suggest positive, beautiful, and gifted reasons for not fitting in. I think it is just like your supervisor said… It seemed she could sense the potential in you to soar above the rest…. It seems like it was actually a great compliment related to your giftedness and individuality.
I like so much, what Dawning said about changing jobs if needed because of not feeling suited. It is really a positive thing-- a learning experience, and is honing in on and becoming more aware and focused on what you want and don’t want. Remembering this is helping me.
I do the same with books. There is no curling up in bed with a good book... it is more like a pile of 8 or so… Then I get tired and fall asleep with a whole slew of books on the bed—what a site to wake up to hehe…
:D
Phoenix-- I’m really glad it went well with your mother! It must feel good to have the conversation of your plans out in the open. Another step toward it all coming into fruition. :)
Same prob. for me with jobs! These are standard questions, and I was just asked that at an interview on Friday (for a child teaching assistant). I am a lousy liar, and after saying my plans were long term, and I was interested in growth & advancement with the company a few times when this wasn’t the case, I felt bad, too. I also think my face was straining not to show otherwise, and I had to put forward this very deliberate false look and voice projection when I said it, that sucked my energy and felt crappy.
There is just no way around this question, and it gets asked every time. They place a lot of importance on this, and it feels like it could make the difference between getting hired or not, all other things being suitable.
So, what I decided to say from now on, is “I am definitely looking for long term employment, and employment advancement”. That’s it. I am looking for that in my specific field of choice, and am only taking on temp other work now until I find it, but this way I am telling the truth, and feel a bit better, even if I am not being 100% specific and direct about the stability and advancement being with them.
I know this is a roundabout way amounting to almost the same, but I see a distinction and just that makes it a lot easier for me. Kind of trying to make the best out of a hard to win situation in that regard.
I came up with a similar pre-planned thing for when I’m asked why I have applied to X company. I find it helps to have something preconceived, that works for every type of interview. The more I practice it the more confident it sounds when I say it.
Well, I’m so very glad to know that you are coming out of what sounds like one of the worst life phases for you…. You know, I don’t think it is that difficult for the mind to get to that place under certain conditions. Several things things happen all at once, then the straw that breaks the… And then I think that is just it… the loss of all hope… That does it. It’s terrible, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. That is when the lowest point comes, and the mind and spirit go that place…. …
Boy--I’m so happy for you that you have been able to get your hope back. That is really the saving grace that turns everything around, I think…
When you have come back from such a point, when you are able to choose to live your life versus not wanting to be here, I think strength is increased, and so many things are possible...
BT