Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Betelgeuse on March 17, 2008, 04:13:37 PM
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...to introduce myself.
I'm Betelgeuse. I'd like to write my story on the other board but I don't have the courage just yet. My hold on life is a bit shaky - don't mean to say I'm suicidal! - but I seem to be a construct over an abyss, or a perennial tightrope walker. An ageing tightrope walker..
As I advance through my forties my coping skills are wearing down. I realize they're not appropriate, I've had lots of therapy, but I'm in somewhat of a crisis now, after yet another difficult relationship.
My FOO appeared to be conventionally middle-class to the outside world, but it was a totally dysfunctional and abusive lot. Physical and verbal abuse, emotional neglect. My father definitely had strong narcissistic traits and my mother was BPD-ish. They took their interpersonal and intrapsychic conflicts out on us children, mainly on me actually.
You see, I could write pages and pages about what I've come to understand about my family, but all my insights don't seem to have improved my living skills.
I've lived in hypervigilant mode all my life, I can't turn the adrenalin off and it's burning me up. Being around people, even good friends, tires me and I need a lot of time to recharge.
Maybe communicating here will help me, since there's both distance and understanding. You're such friendly and warm people..
I hope I fit in. I've been reading through threads so as to get to know you and your stories, but I might make some mistakes at first.
OK, I've done it. My first post...
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Dear Beleguese,
I felt a joy at seeing your post b/c I think the board will be just what you need. I knew everything in the head, too and was dying. The head does not help much,if you don't have the heart.
You will soon find that you are not alone. That is a big part of the battle ,in itself.
I hope that you keep sharing! Love Ami
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Phoenix and Ami, thank you so much for your kind words!
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My FOO appeared to be conventionally middle-class to the outside world, but it was a totally dysfunctional and abusive lot. Physical and verbal abuse, emotional neglect. My father definitely had strong narcissistic traits and my mother was BPD-ish. They took their interpersonal and intrapsychic conflicts out on us children, mainly on me actually.
Maybe communicating here will help me, since there's both distance and understanding. You're such friendly and warm people..
I hope I fit in. I've been reading through threads so as to get to know you and your stories, but I might make some mistakes at first.
Warm welcome, Betelgeuse
So glad you braved your first post, of many, I hope.
I too, resonate with your post.
Leah x
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Thank you Lollie and Leah, I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
Bee
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Hey Betel,
Welcome to the board.
Love
Deb
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(((( Besee )))) (((( Bee ))))
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Hello Deb, hello Besee,
Isn't honey one of the fundamentals (next to beer, Izzy)?
I'm trying to Beeeee..
Love
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Hi and welcome Betelgeuse!
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I've lived in hypervigilant mode all my life, I can't turn the adrenalin off and it's burning me up. Being around people, even good friends, tires me and I need a lot of time to recharge.
I can relate to this, too. As much as I enjoy being around people, especially immediate family, there's still that craving for alone-time, just to absorb the peace and quiet and gather fresh resources.
Welcome, Bee!
Carolyn
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Dear Betelgeuse,
Saw the hugs on another thread – thank you so much!!!
(((((Welcome and sending some hugs back)))))
Glad you are here!
Peace
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Hey FP,
Hello!! It's good to read you too.
Sorry about the other thread (Dandys). I sometimes lose track of what I was looking at last. I didn't mean to be rude. It's good to see you.
Love
Deb
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Hi Betelgeuse......we've spoken before but i thought i would just stop by and give you my official welcome....WELCOME James
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Hey Deb -
No worries - I can't keep up with the posts these days.
(I was surprised when you mentioned rude - I have never thought of you as rude - rather, from your posts, I perceive you as very wise and very balanced.)
Peace
(Sorry for the hijack Bee - I hope you are doing ok! Thanks again for the hugs!!)
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My FOO appeared to be conventionally middle-class to the outside world, but it was a totally dysfunctional and abusive lot. Physical and verbal abuse, emotional neglect. My father definitely had strong narcissistic traits and my mother was BPD-ish. They took their interpersonal and intrapsychic conflicts out on us children, mainly on me actually.
Hi Betelgeuse. As several have already mentioned, it certainly looks familiar. The parents figure out how to make things appear conventional, but the underlying and more subtle currents are dysfunctional. Writing it out and finding others who have had similar experience makes a big difference. In my case my father displays strong covert narcissistic tendencies and my mother somewhat milder but N-ish behaviors. They put on a "good show" in terms of the basic material requirements of parenting, but at an emotional level I believe the roles were reversed. In my 40's I started seeing how the process worked.
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Hi Betelgeuse!! (is it because of the giant star? it's beautiful).
Glad you had the courage to post.
Don't forget that everytime you share something of your life you also helping people here. It helps remembering, releasing, understanding, getting mad at what needs to, healing.
Hugs.
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As I advance through my forties my coping skills are wearing down. I realize they're not appropriate, I've had lots of therapy, but I'm in somewhat of a crisis now, after yet another difficult relationship.
Hi Betelgeuse,
I can really relate to this line above. My coping skills are wearing down too.
Hugs and a warm welcome to you.
Gabben
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Welcome Betelguese :)
Look forward to getting to know you..........seasons
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I've lived in hypervigilant mode all my life, I can't turn the adrenalin off and it's burning me up. Being around people, even good friends, tires me and I need a lot of time to recharge.
Welcome Bee. I'm glad you're here.
Your description of yourself sounds not only like the hyperalertness of a somewhat PTSD adult child of N and BPD (yikers, poor you!), but also like a classic Introvert (per Myers Briggs).
I think your need to recharge sounds natural and healthy and it's nothing to feel badly about.
I think you can reduce one part of that equation, the PTSD. I believe assertiveness training is helpful. It teaches us that we are very capable of defending ourselvs and asserting our voices when necessary. Once those skills are practiced, they become internalized, so the adrenalin overload of hypervigilance can take a hike...
I bet you need a lot of time in nature, too. Do you get enough?
hugs
Hops
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Dear all (Iphi, Carolyn, peace, Silver lining, Hard to trust, gabben, seasons, Hopalong),
Thank you for welcoming me! My 'posting confidence' has waned again, partly because I felt terrible about not having noticed Ami's loss. And partly because that's what I do - I wax and wane. One step forwards, one step back.
Hops, PTSD? YES! Major symptoms since childhood, compounded by some nasty experiences and difficult relationships later in life. I don't know if I'm a classic introvert, there's no way of knowing that really. I never spent time with other children until I was three yrs old (but was taught to recite poetry at age two - perfect little monkey lol) and seem to be spending my whole life catching up.
Well, more later...
Bee