Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on March 19, 2008, 08:30:58 AM
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I think the scariest thing for me is taking back my own power. I have a visceral fear of my own my strength and confidence. I have a stomach ache ,even thinking about it.
There is a deep part of myself, that I have shoved aside,my own survival mechanism, and I am afraid to take it out ,dust it off, and use it, to run my life.
Can anyone relate?
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I,also, think that the feeling I have UNDER all this is blind, burning rage at my mother, for making me abdicate my self protective instincts. I think that I have NEVER felt this blind rage toward her before,b/c I had been shoving it inside my body and mind. I think that it has been twisting me, emotionally and physically.
I never,ever felt this way before. It is very strong and I could tear her head off---bleh. Ami
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Am-this is the same rage I feel on a daily basis. She goes along with her life and does not know what she does to me. Your stomach-my back. What I do not hear from you is liberating words. Say it Am! Say something like I AM MAD AS HELL AND I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! Tell yourself that you can do it. I do it too. I allow her to keep her power over me. I sit there and fume and complain. G S says DO something! Your post makes me want to Do something!
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Hi Ami --
Yes - I can relate. The rage and burning anger I have had towards my mom is the victim anger of never getting the acceptance and love that I needed as a child. I became starved for love and filled with rage towards the person who was withholding it.
Healing my rage has been a slow process, at least for me. It has come up in layers after layers with some layers being more painful than others. My heart would just burn slowly as I wanted to kick and scream against the world, it lead me to seek relief from the pain by feeding off self and the only self that was there for me to feed off was a rejected self, a self rejected by my mom so I fed off self-hatred and self blame but the question was can I accept myself, even my ugly parts -- YES!
The healing has been through self-awareness, just like you have and through a reaching for The Cross, suffering as a way out.
I did not have the grace to withstand that deep betrayal as a child but as an adult I have prayer and healthy choices for coping.
The tears are not over for me -- I still hurt at what never happened that I needed and wanted so much to happen which was to be fully accepted and loved.
((((((((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))))))
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((((((((((((Lise, Kelly))))))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Hi Gabben........exactly Thank you for your post to Ami. I needed to hear this too. It cut thru the confusion that i feel today like a hot knife thru butter. Thanks James
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Thank YOU, James ,Lise and Kelly
Not being alone is very healing! Love Ami
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Once I can define a problem , express it, share it and get other people's responses, it is on it's way out. I feel hopeful about this ssue, too. Thank you! Ami
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Dear Ami,
Ouch, that's a big one for me...
I feel that 'taking my power', in whatever way, e.g. by standing out (or even up - just being visible), is very dangerous. I've not always been conscious of this, but I'm painfully aware of it now. Whenever I achieve something, or when I'm riding a wave (those rare moments when my own powers flourish), I punish myself in some way. I've become very wary of the ways in which I self-sabotage.
So yes, on the one hand I have not learnt to protect myself, but on the other hand I have not learnt how to take the risk of being visible and growing.
I still feel in the throes of various contradictory scripts that have (literally) been jammed into me. My father: Succeed (but don't outshine me)! My mother: Be a good daughter. Be my mother. Die!
Well, no wonder I moved far, far away and have shone dimly.
Hugs
Bee
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Dear Bee,
You are a soul sister. You expressed, beautifully, how I feel. Thank you, Bee. Love Ami
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Ami! Good to hear from you! I'm exhausted after posting on James' thread. Hope to talk to you soon.
Bee
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I remember a time when I was younger. I want to get back, there. Is is possible? I hope so.
I remember that I didn't have to be perfect. I thought it was a silly idea. I liked my qualities, enough. I didn't have to be the "best" at anything.
I remember that the biggest thing I did then that I don't do now is let my thoughts go by w/out thinking I am "bad". I figured if *I* thought it, it was 'human",not bad.
My Aunt says that she has all kinds of thoughts and feelings and they are just "human"
S/how I went "nuts" from my M over this.
This would be my first wish--not to judge my thoughts and feelings,but to accept them as human.
I did not need another person to complete me. I did not "need" a b/f or a g/f to make me whole. I felt whole, on my own.
I enjoyed doing things ,on my own, simple things,like walks on the beach,shopping,exercising etc.
I did not feel alone b/c *I* was my friend.
I was close to my g/f's ,but did not need validation for who I was.
I realized that *I* needed to define and nurture myself b/c it was burdensome to ask s/one else.
I liked myself. I liked my sense of humor, friendliness, interest in others etc. I liked many of my own traits. I accepted the ones I didn't like as part of being human, as my Aunt does.
I don't know WHERE I went,but I wish I could get that person back--ASAP.
Can anyone relate to feeling whole ,losing it , and hopefully getting it back? Ami
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I think I understand what you're yearning for, Ami.
I think the problem is that in focusing on a lost childhood, lost peaceful times when you felt whole, you are focusing backward.
I think what will heal you is to focus in the present and on the next day.
You will never have childhood safety again.
But you can, and will, build a new ADULT psychic safety.
It is safe to go forward. Tiny steps.
love
Hops
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Dear Hops,
I hear what you are saying,but I am not sure I agree. I should start a thread on it,perhaps. I am thinking that I was able to find a period of emotional health that would have continued if I did not have to go in to "denial " to deal with my M.
I think that I was able to feel a core of health, which would be appropriate at any age. Ami
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a core of health, which would be appropriate at any age
I see what you're saying, Ami.
It's ageless, actually, isn't it?
Neither past nor future nor old nor young...it just is whole.
Hops
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I think that there is an "objective" state which IS emotional health. I think that it has certain factors. It is not "static",but stays within a certain balance.
I think I have been there, so I know where I want to go.
Today, I feel almost up, from underwater, maybe 5 inches.
As I face truth( and people help me), I float out of distortions,in an easy way. The lies are the glue that keep you sick(IMO) .When the glue is removed, you come together.If there are thousands of lies and distortions ,it will take longer, fewer,it will take less.
The answer is simple, but the path seems long .
Today, I feel a sense that I am back at age 14, when I made a conscious choice to believe my M's reality . I can "see"now how my M is a "fool" about life. She is like N Doofus(Bones "friend").
I need to take the blinders off my eyes , and see life, as it is. That includes seeing myself, honestly, good and bad.
Excessive shame is a distortion. Feeling like you are "bad' is a distortion. The reality is that you are human. I am almost there,but not quite.
Shame was the vechicle which my M used to denude me and attach me to herself. It seems like it does not want to let go, so I will keep facing truth,until shame has no grip . Ami
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I have been thinking about this topic. I was talking to my friend about it and he said that I caanot go back and be the "way" I was, b/c young people have a certainty about life that you can't have as an adult.You see shades of grey more, as an adult.
That is true, for sure.
He said that you have to examine present feelings and they will take you to the issues you need to heal.
I wonder if this could happen, though.
I had an accupuncture treatment on one of the major stomach points( near the belly button) and I was centered for 3 days. I was very peaceful and" knew "who I was. I was confident, in a quiet way.
Could you get this back again? I know it may seem like a really stupid question,but what do they say--there are NO stupid questions(lol) Love Ami
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Well I do not know if you can go back but I do have a question about acupuncture. Have you heard if it can take away pain in your ovaries? I always have pain in my side and in my lower abdomen and lower back.
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Dear Kelly,
I ,always ,think of you b/c since Scott died ,I have not gotten a period. Many mother's ,who lost kids, never got their periods ,again.
As far as accupuncture, I bet it could help you. I really do. You have to find someone who is good, highly recommended.
Love Ami
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Dear Bean,
Are you saying that we have to let go of our fearful attitude toward life? Thanks for your response , Beans. Hugs, Ami
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Thanks Am! Wow I wish I could stop! But I want nothing terrible to happen to make that happen.