Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sunblue on March 23, 2008, 08:12:16 PM
-
I'll say upfront that this is a vent. I just needed an outlet to express what I'm feeling today.
This being Easter, my Nmom and co-D dad naturally spent the day with my Nsister, the chosen child. So, I spent the afternoon with my "healthy" brother and his family. He hosted an Easter dinner for 20 people. I am always the only person there who is not related to his sister-in-law. It is always a bit stressful but today seemed so much so. There was a lot of true celebration at the dinner due to happy events occurring for some of their family members. A young niece was there with her boyfriend announcing their new engagement and plans for a destination wedding. Her parents were there also celebrating a 25th wedding anniversary and their upcoming anniversary trip to Aruba. Another sister was there with her husband and three children talking about their plans for a vacation and their twin's upcoming communion celebration. My brother was talking about his recent business trip and relishing in my niece's activities.
It was just all too much for me. I was sincerely happy for them---weddings, anniversaries, children, vacations....But I couldn't help feeling very alone and left out....I couldn't help looking around the room at everyone and wondering that they had or did that I didn't. Why had I never had any happy moments to celebrate? Why did these others always have happy events to celebrate with seemingly little effort? The one girl who just got engaged, for example, had no business experience and no education yet got a really good job easily. She never wanted for boyfriends and now nabbed the guy she has been after to marry her since they met.
I don't mean to sound selfish, because I truly am happy for the....All the events they are celebrating are really happy ones, worthy of the champagne and cake celebration that occurred today.....But I couldn't help thinking, especially of my brother, why he couldn't see how such a day might be difficult for me...I remember a few years back when he and his wife were having trouble getting pregnant, he took me aside one holiday and make a point of telling me to avoid talking about any topics related to families or children because his wife was having a hard time dealing with her disappointment. Of course, I understand and made sure to steer clear of any such topics and tried to cheer her up. The year she did become pregnant, I acknowledged her mom-to-be status on Mother's Day with a card and small gift....I just couldn't help wonder, "Can he really not see why such a day would be difficult for me on a certain level even if I was happy for them?" "Couldn't he see how being surrounded by people who were experiencing happy, positive events, surrounded by people who loved them and paid attention to them, could make me feel?" But I know he doesn't think that way. In fact, when I got ready to leave early, he was shocked and asked me "Why?" in an incredulous tone. I just couldn't handle it any longer....I had to leave.
I know this all makes me sound really selfish...but I just can't help thinking, "What is so bad about me? Why has nothing happy or positive ever happened to me? Why am I never a priority for anyone?
Well, I apologize again. Like I said...this was just a vent....Just feeling sad and trying to cope with my sinking depression....Trying to keep some kind of perspective so my thoughts don't go in a direction I can't afford to let them go...
Thanks for listening...
-
I do not know if you are like me but it seems just like you say and I always feel like I am the odd man out ALL the time. Then I really start to think-step back and look at my life and wonder what I am bitching about. I am not sick nor is any of my immediate family. I have a good paying job. A lot to be thankful for I guess. Can you think of all the good things?
-
Sorry Sun(((((((((((((((((((Sunblue))))))))))))))
Sometimes, you just hurt. There is no right or wrong. You just hurt. I am sorry you are hurting, Sun, dear. Love Ami
-
((((((((((Sunblue)))))))))) it all sounds quite overwhelming... just alot of - - everything, for one day.
Festive occasions and "special days" can be that way at the best of times. When you're not feeling up to par, it's all aggravated.
Betcha alot of folks feel that way at times, but they just put on a happy face.
Hope you're feeling better now.
Carolyn
-
Sun-I did not mean to be insensitive-I only wanted to say something someone said to of and that is LOOK LEFT AND LOOK RIGHT AND YOU WILL SEE MANY PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN YOU. But I agree that sometimes we feel beaten down and ARE beaten down. I know my M kicks me when I am down and often leaves me feeling used and abused. Sometimes I cry out to God to GET ME OUT OF THIS NEVER ENDING STORY PLEASE!! So I hurt with you but I also say to try to put things in perspective. Love to you.
-
Bean, Ami, Certain and Overcomer:
Thank you for your kindness and support....It means a lot to be acknowledged.....Today was just one of those days when the unfairness of this life kicks you right in the stomach. Nothing to do about it....just sometimes really hard to swallow....So an empathetic ear is really appreciated.
Overcomer, I understand totally where you're coming from because I very often say to myself the same things you indicated...some days it's the only thing I can think to get myself through...I know so, so many people have it worse than me----people who are homeless, addicted to drugs or alcohol, those who are unemployed and desperate, those in third world countries with nothing to eat, those plagued with terrible and debilitating illness.....I do know that.....I think, though, that it is partly due to my Nmom's constant focus on perfection and lack of respect and interest in me that prompts me to consistently measure myself against those who have more, rather than less. I never measure up...to them or myself....Some days I just don't understand why seemingly everyone around me, that I see anyway, come by things most people believe are the normal rewards of life---relationships, family, opportunities---and I never could...Like I said, some days are just tougher than others.
Anyway, I do understand your point and you are right in that so many people out there have it worse than me....I will try to focus on that this week....
Thanks again everyone.....Appreciate the warm regards..
-
Sunblue--I think it's the holes in us that cause those feelings to be so easy to tap into. And which make it hard to feel better in comparison to those in wartorn countries. Logically it is true that many, many others are worse off than us and would love to just be lonely rather than in refugee camps, etc. But they are in survivor mode and don't have the luxury of loneliness as we do. We are no longer in our survivor mode and have to face those holes in us. It is a different challenge. And a painful one. It is a reminder to keep working on healing and filling those holes in you--with a healthy you.
-
Sun,
My Easter wasn't much different than yours, just a different cast. I remember sitting there just staring at everyone and thinking, it's so odd that know one even notices I'm not interacting with them. Then again, maybe they were glad I wasn't. Of course it was at our house, so I didn't have the luxury of leaving, though I thought about it. I don't know about you, but I feel as if there is no where I truly belong.
-
Sun,
I can empathize with all you are feeling. I have no words of advice. Happiness creeps up when we are not looking for it, somehow. Lots of love and peace to you. Holidays for me can often be sad and lonely, even when I am with people I love and who love me.
Love, Beth
-
Sunblue - I have lived that type of Easter at so many holidays. I would leave deeply, deeply depressed, AND resentful. After so long of feeling that way I finally have come to a very different concept. I finally have decided to get beyond the resentment and to look at each one of those aspects of celebration and rather than comparing my stark situation to their joy I have taught myself to fel joy for them just the way I would feel if it were me celebrating and I would imaging myself having that same success. It has really helped me in so many ways. It has helped me overcome resentment.
I still feel resentment but I can overcome it very quickly. I found that that resentment fueled all the dark negative thoughts and feelings and kept me bound to darkness. The process also helped me begin to be able to visualize positive things that I want for my life. I have not yet manifested them but I have read so many people who write about the power of visualizing and I simply believe it.
I have great sympathy for you. I would have hated that very experience. But it is not too late to actually turn yesterday's experience around. I encourage you to try it.
If you would like, I would love to help you learn to change these deeply ingrained feelings, thoughts and reactions. It is not easy but it can change your life. My thoughts are with you and so is my sympathy - yours - GS
-
Thank you Juno, Alone, Izzy, Gratitude and Gaining:
Your kind words of support meant so much....It's a bit comforting to know others have been or are where I've been. It's hard not to feel resentment and deep depression during these kinds of situations. Sometimes I just can't get past those thoughts of "Why not me? When will I ever have some measure of happiness?" It's frightening to think those moments may never come...
So thank you for all your support. I empathize with you all as well..as I know holidays can be trying for all families, Ns or not....But as one poster here said, it's hard to feel as though you belong. If I had to sum up one feeling I had during my weekend, it would be that. I simply below nowhere...Well, except maybe here on the board :))
So thanks again....
-
Sunblue - I empathize with you and fully understand when you post, "Sometimes I just can't get past those thoughts of "Why not me? When will I ever have some measure of happiness?" It's frightening to think those moments may never come..."
I have held those very same thoughts. I have learned that I can change my future by changing my thoughts. I started changing my thoughts by thinking, "I want what you have." and then instead of allowing my thoughts to devolve into resentment I would add a thought, "I want what you have. I will have what you have. I don't know how but I chose to believe that I will have what you have and what I want." And I just keep repeating those thoughts over and over not letting that resentment thought get in and if it does I get rid of it.
I actually find the resentment more comfortable than the other. It sort of feels good, powerful but when I came to understand that it actually kept me down I made a decision to change my thought patterns. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been quick but I can definitely see the results and my life is beginning to take the shape I would like for it to.
Give it a try. You can do it at night when you lie down to sleep. Just think back on your experience on Sunday and reimagine the experience but the way you wish it had happened and remember it by changing your resentment. Just for and experiement - give it a try.
-
Hi Sun,
I would love to give you a big hug and take a long walk with you and invite you to pour it all out...I'm sorry you're so very sad. Blue.
Would you tolerate some practical questions? If you are willing, could you say whether:
--you get daily exercise?
--you get sunlight?
--you take supplements?
--you eat lots of whole grains and vegetables?
--you have any animals in your life?
--you volunteer anywhere, with other people?
--you attend a support or therapy group?
--you are setting aside most of your salary for your own place?
--you have plans to move out of your parents' house?
love to you, dear,
Hops
-
Yesterday, I had a session with Ann. She said some things, which sunk down in to my heart. She said that words frame your world. I always "knew" this,but I really "heard " it, this time.
I feel more power to change my own life now.
My thoughts are with you Sun. It is so, so HARD to change old established thought patterns!! Love Ami
-
Sunblue,
Can I add that I also have felt what you describe. Sometimes I have felt like an alien in a room full of people who were so far from my reality that it hurt to the core. I try to bring gratitude into my awareness the minute I start feeling my disappointment in my life. Just small things, today I am grateful for the sunshine, the joke a friend made that made me laugh out loud, finishing the first draft of my paper, my friend paying for dinner...........small things, the warmth in the house as I sit and type these words......they help move me from a place of feeling my own loss to feeling grateful for what I have.
I hope yourday is better and you are not feeling so sad,
xxxxxxx
axa
-
Thank you everyone! It is so heart-warming to know that someone can listen and empathize with me. I know we have all gone through similar situations many, many times. It's never easy of course.....and sometimes it's really overwhelming. I feel sometimes that all I'm doing is going through the motions of life, just using super-human strength to put one foot in front of the other.
Hops"
To answer your questions....Sad to say, most of my answers would have to be no. I do volunteer at my church. I teach Sunday school to middle-school children and volunteer for varioius church-related activities from time to time. I don't have any animals but would love to get a dog someday. I also just started working and the situation is very "iffy" to say the least....My goal, of course, would be to save enough to move.....but it frankly seems unattainable at this point. I used to see a therapist a while back, and I've been thinking lately of making an appointment to see a new one...I don't relish having to start all over with someone...but I have done some research and located a doctor in the area who is actually familiar with NPD and voicelessness...so I may do that.
...
And sunshine? if only! I not only crave sunshine, I need it....My clinical depression means I am very affected by lack of sunlight. However, I live in a state where we are still being bombarded by snow storms...I can't wait till the sun pops his head out of the skies again.
Thank you all for listening and sharing and encouraging....You have no idea what a rare occurrence that has been for me in my life...So I value and cherish it....
I pray all of you are doing well and coping with your own struggles with Ns as best you can....Each day I notice my Nmom's narcissism is getting worse and more evident..or perhaps that's just because I'm more aware of it now....But it is just blatant...and sad really....How very sad it is not only for them to cause so much pain for their children and loved ones, but also to not ever be able to take joy or happiness in their family's lives....
I hope one day to be able to look at it and not feel that pain inside....
Thank you again for being such a wonderful source of sunshine in otherwise gloomy days...
-
Sunblue - I encourage you to post more and more of your experiences like you had Easter. I find it helpful to share these painful experiences with people who can truly empathize. One of the things that I think helped me the most was finding this place where other people could actually believe the stories and experiences that are so completely insane that noone has ever truly believed what I had to say.
It really helps to have people believe you and have compassion because N parents/FOO never had compassion and I found that that compassion was absolutely necessary to being able to move on.
-
Dear Sun,
I agree with GS. Post and write,post and write. I know you had had experiences when people have told you to "Get over it.". In ANY group, there will be people who don't "get you". Even many therapists's don't "get " people. Look at my M,an N doing therapy--case closed -lol.
Really, Sun, some people WILL l 'get " you and help you. Many people don't "get" me or even like me. It is part of life and expressing who YOU are. I think you need to just keep expressing who you are, even if it is gloomy. I think, in time, you will feel better and better,just from that. Compost what does not fit ,Sun. Love Ami
-
Hi Sun,
You deserve bright yellow sunshine 8) and fresh air and the love of a goofy dog.
Thank you for responding to my questions, and not feeling defensive.
Here's another big hug, much southern sunshine, and a doggy who has been waiting to meet you. (Maybe there's one at the local pound who could use a walker.)
Ears too, for as many stories as you have to tell.
I hope the pain eases more with each day, and hope the job soon settles in.
lots of love,
Hops
-
Thank you all for your kind comments---and especially, your interest. It is so foreign to me---that someone would express interest in something about me.
I seem forever to be struggling against the seeminly daily reminders from my Nfamily that I don't matter. My Nsister (the chosen child) is a successful (translation: makes tons of money in her own business, has many material things) "professional". While neither she nor my Nmom and co-D dad would ever acknowledge it, my sister's success has been the result, in large part, due to my mother's help. After graduating, my Nmom intervened and got a colleague of hers to get my sister her first job in a firm. My Nmom told anyone and everyone she ever met (including the customers she came into daily contact with in her own job) about my sister and her business. The result is that my Nmom has referred literally hundreds of clients to my Nsister over the years. She even got her own company to use my sister for much of their legal needs. Yesterday, it happened again. My dad told my mom of a phone message she got in which an acquaintance of hers asked for my sister's phone number because she knew of someone who needed her services.
I felt the pain of the proverbial cut of the knife again. My Nmom values only money, material things, "fame". Intellectually, I know she favors my sister so much because she believes any success or "fame" she has is a direct reflection on her. But, emotionally, it is still painful. Neither my Nmom nor co-D dad have ever once mentioned to anyone they meet the kind of work I do---thus eliminating any potential that I might get referrals for the kind of work I do. My Nmom never once has taken interest in my career or my chosen field. Neither one has ever even asked me what my new job or title is....That is still very painful. So, I am constantly reminded of my sister's "success" but no one but me acknowledges that the very reason she can be so successful is the constant attention, client referrals and direct business my Nmom gves her.
Not only does my Nmom spend literally every evening on the phone with my sister rehashing every client or every little detail of what happened to her during the day, but once again, she and my dad are spending the weekend with her. Whenever my Nsis asks for anything, they RUN, not walk to fulfill her every whim. This time it involved driving an hour away to meet her at a store where my Nsis intends to make some appliance purchases. I think for me what hurts the most is watching the spark of joy on my Nmom's face when my Nsis calls or when they go with her for the weekend. She never once thinks of me or my brother or my father, for that matter, in that way. I know that my Nmom regards me only as a failure and has no respect for me.
This all is really just an aside....One common thread I've noticed in all the board's posts is that because there is no changing the N's behavior, regardless of how much we'd like to, the key seems to be in cultivating relationships with others outside the N family. I have had no luck whatsoever in doing this. I think this is partly because I never really learned how. My Nmom and dad were always ridiculously private about everthing in their lives that we never had any extended family in our lives...no friends....no acquaintances really. They always instructed us not to tell others things about our family or home. Everything was and is always a secret. Now, keep in mind, it's not like anyone in our family was a serial killer. Their idea of "secrets" included everything from our getting a new car to my dad's change in job, to the kind of furniture we had in our house. Neither of my parents know what is means to BE a friend to someone. My mom always brags that she has these two, life-long women friends. These individuals are wonderful people. They always remember my mom on her birthday or holidays with phone calls or gifts. Needless to say, she never returns the favor. She never initiates a phone call or buys a card, claiming she's just not a "believer" in that. She was asked to go on a trip, but never would, saying she had absolutely no interest in seeing a different place. My parents never initiated connections with neighbors or other parents or even colleagues. Our dysfunctional family was a very isolated one.
Even though I always made an effort, and frankly, have always been told that I was a really good friend to people, those very people never returned the favor. I always found myself in one-way relationships (really just connections) or rejected or ignored by those who I did make an effort in getting to know.
So this whole "make new friends and relationships" thing is really very difficult for me. I think other "healthy" people who haven't grown up in an N household assume that it is just natural to know how to make and have friends. I mean everyone assumes that a person has friends. But I don't. At least not the kind of friends that made for two-way relationships. What I find perplexing is that among myself and my siblings, I'm the only one that had difficulty in this area. My "healthy" brother has always had ease in making friends and is currently happily married with a number of people he and his wife socialize with. My Nsister, although truly incapable of knowing what a friend is, has at least been in a relationship with a decent (although I believe a co-D) guy all of her adult life. She also keeps in touch with childhood friends....
So I don't get it.....Perhaps I'm just feeling low..and that's why I'm spouting off about all this....It just seems sometimes that I am in this hopeless, endless cycle of pain. Someone on this board noted that it seems those that are the most introspective, the ones who "understand" NPD the best, the hows and whys of it all, are those that have the most difficulty. Those like my brother, who understand there is dysfunction but is not interested in delving into the issue anymore than that, seem to have it much better...
Oh well...for some reason, just needed to get this down today....Thanks for all your support...I hope there is much sunshine where you are right now....At least I hope there is more SUN than Blue in your life...:))
-
Hi Sun,
I think you are very right. The ones who think about these things and ponder and try to solve are often also the ones who have the most trouble figuring out how to get out of it. That's what I'm finding in my life anyway. But I don't think you, or any of us who is like this, should try to stifle this aspect of ourselves. This is who we are. Perhaps as you get more and more of it "out" of you by posting or writing, it will leave more space for answers that will feel right to you. At some point it will be time for another way in that might help you go forward. I don't think it goes very fast, though.
Your descriptions of the how your FOO operates are more than just asides. This is what happened to you. This is how it happened. I think by explaining it and analyzing it, you may end up finding a way out. By seeing the differences in you from your siblings, you may begin to find out who you really are. That is one of the things I'm working on now. I didn't even know who I was! But I'm starting to see some direction now or some patterns that will eventually help me decide what is the real me.
I bet there are lots of incidents you can remember and it might be good to write them down or post them. It may even take out some of the sting to do that. You will own those incidents now. It's hard to do but I have been finding that I feel better for having done so. Still a long ways to go, though!!!
Hoping you find some peace this weekend.
Juno
-
Sunblue - your posts touch me deeply. When I first read your last post I wanted to think about a reply before posting and even though I have had time to think about it my thoughts have not completely come together so in the interim I want to encourage you to keep posting.
Earlier I shared with you some of my own thoughts about getting past the pain of last Sunday but I have changed my mind on that. I think it will be helpful to you to keep posting your struggles and your painful experiences. I hope you will receive alot of empathy. My experience in life and in reading other's experience on board is that growing up in N families many of us never received the sympathy for difficult times that we needed and deserved. I found it extremely difficult to get past those painful, exclusionary experiences. One of the most helpful means to begin to heal from past and present experiences like you wrote about was by sharing it here and finding kind board members who could sympathize.
I fully connect with so many things you wrote about: not having friends, living with family "secrets" and much more. I promise to come back later and write more explicitly. Keep writing about your experiences with your family. It is time you have understanding and validation for the miserble times in your life. Most sincerely, Gaining Strength