Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on March 24, 2008, 10:10:38 AM
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I think I just got in touch with "Alice Miller's" rage. I see how my brother threatened to throw my M down the stairs---bleh.
You just want to wipe that smirk off the clueless face. You want that clueless face to GET it ,for once. You want to pummel it, until it does.You don't want to stop.
You want to say,"DON"T you get it????"
You want to beat them ,enough, until they do. Then what?
What if you COULD beat them to death? You are left with the consequences of them in your body and mind. You have the inheritance of the N parent in every cell of your body.What good does it even DO if they are gone?
That is where I am today. All the garbage from the N parent is "safely" inside me. I am carrying it,like a body carries a virus. It can be silent. It can be active. It poisons, any way you look at it.
I am the host sickened by the NM, pummeling me, stealing here and there, coy and calculating, looking and waiting to get the prey in a one down position.
I am the prey , now. I replay being the prey, in my current life ---how many blehs is that? Ami
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Ami,
Are you saying you are feeling rage today? I have dreams sometimes where I really feel the rage that I should let out. I react differently when I am angry - I "turn off." It is like turning off a machine or a light. I feel unplugged and 'gone.' Sometimes I wish I had rage. Do you think some of your anger is coming from working through the grief over Scott?
Love,
Beth
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Dear Beth,
I never really felt the rage ,before. It is mainly about what my M stole from me, for her own selfish purposes. Then, my life went down, ending with Scott's death.
*I* was the key when I accepted her world view.She was the King and I was the serf.
I guess the rage was always there , just repressed .Thanks for caring, Beth. Love Ami
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Maybe this is a good time to take up boxing, Ami???? Lol. I am not minimizing your pain. I guess now is a good time to find an outlet for it. Art? Screaming? Running? What will help YOU?
Love, Beth
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It is so tempting to feel sorry for myself and to think my M ruined my life. However, I remembered a g/f. She had it all. She was a female MD, married,kids, loving mother and father etc.
I always remember one moment with her. We were out to dinner. I remember where we were standing and what we were wearing. She said,"I have it all, but there seems like there is s/thing missing, Oh well."
I descended to emotional depths that she could never dream of. My Aunt could never, either. However, I found God b/c I was at the bottom . I know that if I had not had ALL of the horrible influences I did, mother, husband ,in laws, losing myself etc. I would have been too proud . I only went there b/c I had no place else to go.
So, as much as I feel sorry for myself, b/c I am under this oppressive weight of shame,it is worth it--- a million times over.I have to remember that ,right about now(lol) Love Ami
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Dear ((Ami)),
I'm not sure if I follow you here but my guess, based on what I could relate with, is your are writting about the desire to make someone "see" or acknowledge the wrong they did to you...to wake them up and the sense of powerlessness you feel in the wake of N toxins?
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Dear Lise,
That is a GREAT point. I did not see it,until you wrote this. I want my M to "get it". Then ,I feel that I could go on.It is like SHE can give me permission to have my feelings.She holds the cards for my healing, in my mind. You are right. I want her to see. However, *I* have to know it. That has to be enough. Is that what you meant, Lise? Hugs Ami
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This is what has happened after Scott died. Before, he died, I had deep feelings of shame and lack of connection to my emotions. I may have been beginning to get out, just at the beginning.
When he died, everything got magnified a thousand times.
That is why I feel so overwhelmed . My original issues were bad enough. Now,I got hit by a bomb on top of those.
My grief is the original '"grief"( the NM) plus the loss of Scott.
I can see the threads in the ball of yarn, now. Just seeing them does help. Ami
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This is what has happened after Scott died. Before, he died, I had deep feelings of shame and lack of connection to my emotions. I may have been beginning to get out, just at the beginning.
When he died, everything got magnified a thousand times.
That is why I feel so overwhelmed . My original issues were bad enough. Now,I got hit by a bomb on top of those.
My grief is the original '"grief"( the NM) plus the loss of Scott.
I can see the threads in the ball of yarn, now. Just seeing them does help. Ami
Call stupid but are you saying Scott's death was a huge trigger for you?
Is it helping you to see how much damage your mother did to you, basically soul murder, that can never be undone...just like Scott's death?
(((AMI))))
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What do you mean by trigger, in this context ,Lise?
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What do you mean by trigger, in this context ,Lise?
What I mean is that perhaps Scott's death has helped touch old wounds and bring them to the surface?
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Yes, Thanks for explaining. That is a big part of it. I have a depression on top of a depression---bleh--depression to the second power.
Love to you,Lise , Ami
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((Ami))
In this past year, as I have worked through my old rage, triggered by the new anger of N saints injustice, I experienced quite a bit of depression too. I came to understand that it was a trade-off of either being depressed or fully feeling my rage without hurting me or anyone...I would sit and pray through my rage...it hurt so much to feel it...rage is such a primal emotion, yucky and the most painful of all emotions for me, second to envy. Tears came with my rage too.
It was a matter of becoming willing to fully experience my rage in order to give it up and in order to give up depression, completely.
I prayed to God for the grace to withstand my old rage and for the healing balm of forgiveness to take-over my heart. My rage went on for days, weeks turning into months; a priest once told me that it was going to take a long time and to just let the rage keep coming as I kept praying. I'd rather experience the rage than the pain of depression.
Everyone processes stuff differently and in different ways. Your way may not be my way but rest assured, if you are praying, it is God's way.
I'm free from the rage today...I can feel it...it is wonderful depression has lifted too. I am still having memories, there are tears, sobs and heart pains of loss and terror but at least the rage is gone.
My new SD told me that we can repress every emotion except love.
One thing that I know you need and deserve right now Ami is some compassion so here goes (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love you.
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Thank you ((((((((((((Lise, Amber))))))))))
Your loving responses mean a lot! Ami
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Ami.....i think finding my rage and experiencing it set the stage for me being here. I'm feeling more vulnerable now and less defensive than what i was. Finding ones rage is a very good thing IMO.............James
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James -- so glad you are here. Your voice is precious.
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James I have not had the opportunity to get to know you but look forward to it. It was my rage that allowed me to break free from the bondage I was living. Without the rage which happened six years ago Iwould still be living the lie. Without the rage I would probably have had a heart attack or something. Now I need to get past the rage and work on getting well.
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Hi Gabben........i am glad to be here, thank you Overcomer....it's nice to meet you. I thinks its possible now to let others get to know me. Sounds like your are well along the road to good health. Best wishes Hi Ami......hope you are doing well......James
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Dear Lise, Kelly and James,
I am glad this thread resonated with you. Tonight, I felt rage against my H and felt guilty. I should NOT feel guilty. It would be a normal feeling for me to have. Thanks for being there, friends! Love Ami
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Ami.............the rage you are feeling is yours to feel and no one elses.........love, James
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Thank you, James.
Today, between feeling rage and feeling loved and accepted, I feel a little more whole. I think that honesty and love are the healers.
Thank you so much for your kindness toward me, James. It means so much to me! Love Ami
(((((((((James)))))))
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I think of said this way. Your N mom made you not express your feelings so you kept a lie on it-one day like a sea kettle the lie popped off and the steam flew! That is how it was for me! It was a total loss of control and was uncomfortable. That is why my mom labeled me unstable. She had never seen me act that way-it was never allowed-so to see me yell and scream and slam doors-it was bad!
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The first time I felt rage was when my Ex had left me for another woman. My M convinced him he needed in patient counseling. We dropped him off in Chicago so he could get well. We I got a hang up phone call a couple days later so I figured it was his girlfriend so I called there. Who picked up the phone but my ex who had checked himself out of the hospital and took a bus back home. That should have been the end but mom swooped back in and convinced him to go back.
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Yes, Kelly
We HAD all those deep feelings and could not express them. That is how we get addictions and physical and emotional illness. I am trying to root out the truth from the lies, so I can be free.
She made me deny parts of myself for HER needs. I had to lie to myself about who I was and how I felt. I got "sick". That is HOW we get sick(IMO)
So, we have to reverse the process of sickness and call forth health, with the tool of honesty, as I see it. The Bible says,"You shall know the truth and the truth will MAKE you free."
It is a promise and God can't lie, so that is my goal for healing.
Love and a Big Hug, Ami
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The first time I felt rage was when my Ex had left me for another woman. My M convinced him he needed in patient counseling. We dropped him off in Chicago so he could get well. We I got a hang up phone call a couple days later so I figured it was his girlfriend so I called there. Who picked up the phone but my ex who had checked himself out of the hospital and took a bus back home. That should have been the end but mom swooped back in and convinced him to go back.
Part of my getting so sick, Kelly, was my M and F siding with my abusive H. I called my M and told her that I and my older son(14 months) were being abused. She said,"Don't think you are coming here."
So, much of my life's descent was simply having no one to help me and my H KNEW it. That was the thing. He knew I was alone, with two small babies, afraid, my own family did not care enough to help me. I was good "prey" and I was.Now, the prey is not prey ,anymore. It took the death of my beautiful son to get me here BUT I got here and am here. I am not prey ,anymore. Love Ami
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You go girl. Heh were you I would totally leave the jerk!
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Dear Kelly,
I am going step by step. I have to get back my strength. This trauma knocked my body ,more than my mind. My body is carrying the pain that my mind can't face.
Love Ami
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Easy for me to say huh? My H has been drunk the whole time he has been laid off-almost a month!
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Kelly
I am sorry to hear that about your H."
I am so sorry you have to deal with this ,Kelly Love Ami
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Well, my H starts his new job next Monday. I believe he is definitely an alcoholic but I truly believe the reaason he has been drinking this whole time is he is just bored. He has translated drinking with something fun to do when there is nothing else to do - or as a reward. When he putzes around the yard in the summer, he always cracks a beer - Budweiser - problem is it isn't a couple - it is at least a six pack. I think if you are gonna have a few beers, at least you could drink Sam Adams or Boulevard Wheat............something a with a little more class. Is that delusional of me? And drink three. You still get a buzz.....no need to get drunk. But for him the goal is drunkenness. Then he becomes an ASSHOLE!!!
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Well,Kelly ,I have a Guiness Extra Stout, every night, since Scott died. Last night, I could have opened a second, but I won't do it b/c no one expects to get hooked and it can happen to anyone, so I respect the power of alcohol. It is a powerful drug.
Sorry, your H went too far. A buzz SHOULD be good enough(lol) . Ami
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Funny-that is all my body will let me do-the minute I get a buzz is the minute I stop. I have what it does to my sleep.
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What about your sleep, Kelly? It is that phone ,again(lol) Ami
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Yes I meant HATE
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Does alcohol hurt your sleep.? It helps mine.
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Helps in the short term and then wales me up.
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The Guiness has iron and B vitamins , so it is good for you, too. I have gained 5 pounds and am at my desired weight ,now, after struggling so hard with eating.
Ami
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Well I think drinking too much beer added to my weight problem. I drank a whole lot in my 20s. Never had a sugar problem until I stopped drinking-now I love my sugar. I heard it metabolises into sugar.
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Yes, you have a point about sugar. I am at my ideal weight and don't want to gain,more, but one beer a day should be OK. My GM, was a doctor(the old time kind) who always said that one beer a day was good for you.
I bet Guiness Extra Stout must be about 250 calories a beer b/c it is one of the darkest ones around. Ami
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Thank you ,Izzy. I am sticking to one beer,only! Ami