Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on March 27, 2008, 08:13:36 AM
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The Bible calls "strongholds" ,thoughts or concepts which have a "stuck " place inside you. They repeat and repeat and at some point, you accept them, as "normal".Thay just are and they are an inextricable part of you. You never even question them.
I realize that a big stronghold for me is that I will "never be OK(normal, capable of functioning well) b/c of having my M.
I feel like I got a "joker' card which doomed me to emotional illness, weakness, submissiveness, no power,no strength, no courage,no integrity etc
The "best " I could do was be submissive to s/one and get the crumbs of their approval and be HAPPY for it. I was doomed to play the submission game. The rules were that I "died" if anyone got mad at me .I "lived" when I pleased you, never made you mad.
Last night I called my Aunt, sobbing. She was so sweet .I told her I met a man, whom I loved and when I was strong enough, would leave my H.
I told her that beyond a relationship, *I* had to be whole.
My life has come crashing down. I, always, tried to be the kind of M my aunt was. I always watched her with her kids. She was so kind and loving. I always thought of her ,as I raised my kids. I WAS like that. I still don't know why it all came crashing down ,so badly with my son commiting suicide. I thought if you had a good mother, everything would be allright. I didn't think you could go so "bad", if you had a mother who loved you. I treated Scott with so much love.My Aunt's kids love her. She earned it. I thought Scott would be here,as my Aunts kids are.
My Aunt encouraged me to make my life good.She said I have what it takes to go forward and chose to have a good life. Ami
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Dear Ami, you have been through so much. There is no separation in your life for dealing with your experience of your N mother and then coming to terms with Scott's death. They have become intertwined. You have so much determination to heal and to have a good life.
I am so glad that you have your aunt as a model and as a loving family member.
My heart aches when I read your words, "I thought if you had a good mother, everything would be allright. " I was struck that I feel that way too. I want to shield myself from the terrible tradgedy that you have experienced. It is indescribably unbearable. My heart is with you each and every day. You will get through this and you will survive and grow stronger and stronger. That you are able to know that Scott's spirit is with you will continue to give you the strength to withstand his death.
I wish for us all that the strongholds will be smashed and the light and higher energy will carry us forward.
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You are such an encourager ,GS. Thank you so much. I know that people can( and probably will) judge me for leaving my H and finding the love of my life. I feel that God is in it and I am following the Bible, in my conduct.
God is everything, when it is all said and done. We are His.
We must stay in His Hands. I don't feel I am OUT of His hands, even though people will disagree, I know.
When you have been abused for so long and your precious son committed suicide, was it really a marriage? Ami
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You are such an encourager ,GS. Thank you so much. I know that people can( and probably will) judge me for leaving my H and finding the love of my life. I feel that God is in it and I am following the Bible, in my conduct.
God is everything, when it is all said and done. We are His.
We must stay in His Hands. I don't feel I am OUT of His hands, even though people will disagree, I know.
When you have been abused for so long and your precious son committed suicide, was it really a marriage? Ami
I have thoughts like that all the time. I feel like I'll always be weird inside because of my parents. I also have some similar feelings about my last relationship. It was six years long but I don't think it actually counts. All the elements that compose a normal healthy relationship were nonexistant, and there wasn't a moment I felt like a real couple. I think I spent all that time dreaming about it, and working towards it as a goal... oh hmm... no wonder people always ask me why I was with her. Anyways, that wasn't a relationship, it was us trying to be something we weren't. I've had a much better time working at something that doesn't seem to fight back.
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I needed the board to help me find my core, Darren. I needed to have enough core to be able to be real with s/one before I could connect. They needed enough core to be real with me. That was just the beginning.
I am such a "nut", that I surprise myself(lol) and not in a good way,but he allows me to be flawed, very imperfect. I am healing b/c I am being seen and accepted with flaws and shame.
I am being loved as a imperfect person, not as the perfect person I always tried to be.
In my past relationships, my perfect person connected with the person. I didn't know it,but it was all I knew how to be,so it was not a heart connection, b/c my heart was not available to me.
I think that your relationship "fit" your emotions ,at the time, and you couldn't help it. You were not "bad' or "wrong". You got twisted b/c of your childhood, as a plant gets twisted if the sun is shining at a strange angle.
You will heal, Darren, as you face the truth of your life. It is promise that the truth will set you free. Keep seeking the truth, Darren, as you are! Love Ami
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I am healing b/c I am being seen and accepted with flaws and shame.
I am being loved as a imperfect person, not as the perfect person I always tried to be.
Dear Ami,
It is wonderful for me to hear that you have someone who accepts you, good and bad parts...completely and unconditionally. It does make it easier to look at oneself when we know we are accepted with so much love.
The knowledge of Gods total acceptance came through to me through others, safe others, who on some level I was able to intuitively know that I was not going to be rejected for showing them my rejected self.
God works through others to reach us to lead us back to Him.
For me I have learned that there is a vital link between spiritual warfare and my deep wounds. Since you love the bible, there is a book called the Dealing with the Praise and Rejection of Man by Bob Sorge
http://www.amazon.com/Dealing-Rejection-Praise-Man-Sorge/dp/0962118583/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206634692&sr=1-1
There is also another book called Deep Wounds- Deep Healing which is about the link between our deep wounds and the spiritual stronghold that carrying those wounds creates.
http://www.amazon.com/Deep-Wounds-Healing-Discovering-Spiritual/dp/0830734112/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206634731&sr=1-1
Both of these books have been very helpful for me.
Peace
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Ami, I'm not familiar with your story but I feel for you. A few years ago a cousin of mine committed suicide and it was devastating. My poor auntie, usually bright and talkative, went completely numb for a while and later on spiralled down into self-doubt. I know she'd raised her daughter lovingly and it took her a long time to accept that there never would be any answers. Only her life to live, according to her own lights.
((hugs))
Bee
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Thank you Lise,
I will look in to those books.Thank you for your loving response.
I think that God could see that I really needed a special gift, with what was ahead of me . He loves us so much to give us wonderful things. "Every Good Gift is from God above......" I can't remember the rest,but the point is that is it He who supplies our needs. Love Ami
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Thank you, Bee, for telling me about your Aunt. I really am being honest when I say I was a good mother. The times I lost it,by screaming, were very few. I did not shame them or scream AT them, that I can remember, or if so, very few.
I always knew the pain my M gave me so I was very aware of my words and actions ,as a mother. My overrding goal was not to be like my M.I was kind to them when they did not feel well.I was available to talk.
I am trying to look honestly at myself and I don't think I could drive a child to suicide.
What I DID was let myself be abused. I did not fight back, enough. Scott saw it and as he got older felt that he should help, even though I told him it was my problem.
I guess he just went "cuckoo" from living in this crazy house.
I think that his seeing me treated badly was too much for him and then my H trying to "turn him in to Golden Boy"
I think the combo was too high a hill for his mind to climb.
He is in Heaven ,safer that I could ever keep him, so he is OK, now, and I know that. Love Ami
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Dear Ami,
I cannot imagine judging anyone who leaves an emotionally arid marriage.
There can be arid seasons, but this has been a huge desert for you.
Will your son go with you?
I am glad you're moving out of the frying pan, and hope you'll go slowly and be self-protective.
love
Hops
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Thank you, Hops! Hugs, Ami
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Ami,
I thought if you had a good mother, everything would be allright.
The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike; and all flesh is grass.
I thought my wife and I would grow very old together and perhaps we still will, but the odds are against her.
God however is for her as He is for Scott so the rain and the flesh were never more than short stops on a long road.
mud
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Thank you, Mud. That was very sweet! Ami
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the rain and the flesh were never more than short stops on a long road
Mud. Mud.
Is there bad news?
Sending crocuses,
Hops
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Ami,
we find solace in may ways. Myself I tend to lean towards music. Reading you opening thread, I found myself going to the song by the Guess Who, Laughing, as to one of the ways I can relate to how it has made me feel to finally see the truth of how my husband was acting towards me behind my back to others these past several years.
Nogadge
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Mud. Mud.
Is there bad news?
Depends on your perspective I guess. We're all going to die. If you consider that bad news then I guess there is some.
I personally am not worried as I have heard some Good News.
If you're referring to my wife she is healthy as a particularly sleek and frisky horse.
mud
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Ahhh good.
Shoulda figured...she couldn't stand to leave you so she got well!
I think I'm not afraid of death itself, Mud.
But I am scared of loneliness and suffering before death.
Hmmm.
Maybe it'll just take care of itself.
Happy Sunday even,
Hops
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Hi Mud,
We're all going to die.
I've been thinking of this some lately. Is life a terminal disease or a terminal condition, or a terminal syndrome, (don't know if syndromes kill you or not), or a terminal disorder (don't know if these kill either, though I came close)?
tt
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To get back to the topic of strongholds; a stronghold is a thought that keeps repeating in your head. My friend told me that she had a stronghold thought that she did not deserve anything good, b/c of mistakes.
I am noticing my strongholds. One is 'I can never be "normal" b/c I had my M."
Another is I am "bad" b/c I am "selfish".
Another is I am too weak to function in the world.
Another is that I will never stop turning on myself and will never be able to be my own best friend,so why not just give up, now.
Another is that I have to cling to "safety". I have to try to make my world very small ,so I can be safe.
Another is that I cannot deal with people's anger.
People's anger means that I am "bad".
It shows the "truth" about me, that I am "bad"
Another is that I have to hide who I am so I don't get shamed.
Another is that I have to give myself away to you ,so you won't shame me.
Another is that if you like me, *I* don't have to feel shame. I can avoid it.
Another is that you have to think I am "normal" for me to not feel shame.
Another is that if you think *I* am weird, I have to shame myself.
Another is if I am selfish ,I have to punish myself.
Whew--I did not know I had so many.
I have more, I am very sure.
I think bringing these things to light is a way to heal.
Thank you to anyone who "endured" that list. Love Ami
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I have made judgements against myself that are tied into judgements against others. These have worked together to keep me isolated. The shame my father projected onto me I took on and formed resentment and held his judgements against me. The weaknesses my mother projected onto me engendered resentments and a hatred and scathing judgement about her weaknesses towards her. All of these have found a way to turn on me an bind me up. I am in the process of identifying them so that I can break them. I worked on a similar process a year ago to break through the outer layer of shame and was successful. I will be successful at this as well. I feel must stronger going into this process than I did the one last year.
These judgements are strongholds that are about to be busted.
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Dear GS
It helps to identify them. Once you can express them, specifically, you are on the way out,I think. Love to you, Ami