Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on April 02, 2008, 12:10:08 AM
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I have been duped again. My Nbrother has been at the house for almost 3 weeks. Cooking, doing home repairs, cheerfully telling me how much he's enjoyed visiting Mom at the nursing home. It was wearing on my nerves since he's up most of the night and asleep most of the day, but I was thinking since I'd told him to stop bullying me (last time he was here) perhaps he'd started to respect my labor as Mom's caregiver all these years, and peace would reign.
So after he left today I got the mail. He's taking me to court to try to become her guardian and conservator of her finances and property (iow, the house). His lawyer has scheduled a hearing. They demand documentation of all my actions as her power of attorney for the last 5 years.
He is a bastard and I am sickened. Taking it all to my own lawyer. Wrote him a brief email telling him not to return to the house. I'll be damned if I'll sweetly play host to someone who's stabbing me in the back.
My mother told me tonight while I was feeding her, through her dementia..."I got bad news today, in a big envelope. I didn't understand it but I know it's not good." I didn't know what she was talking about until I got home to the mail.
A cousin has advised me to place all original documents elsewhere, so I will. The whole thing is so sad. And infuriating.
Hops
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Hops,
So sorry to hear this. Maybe change the locks on the house? Don't let him get you down.
ann
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OMG Hops. That is so outrageous, so deceptive, so underhanded. What a rotten, rotten thing for him to do near the end of your mother's life but after she has the capacity to stand up for you. It is beyond comprehension how someone can stand apart while you do all the hard work for years and then come in like the white knight to save the day - whose day? His own day? Resentful out of guilt (is a kind judgement) or just greedy, ruthlessness.
What a waste of all kinds of resources, especially attorney and other legal fees.
I am so terribly sorry that you have to go through this. It makes me sick to my stomach - GS
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Hops,
He is being a jerk. I know it's upsetting and underhanded but try to stay calm. He is a backstabber but then again we know they always have a hidden agenda. I guess his visit was not just for concern about mom's health.
Go see your attorney without making yourself crazy about whats to be. Your thinking through hurt feelings (as they should be)shock, anger and fear. I would feel the same. Don't let this overtake you.
Your mom made you legal guardian and has a will?
He can challenge anything he wants it does not mean he will get what he wants.
I would discuss nothing with him. He made that clear to you by (your mail through) his attorney.
Now I would leave it to my attorney and let him advise me on what to say or not say and what I can do.
This is very sad and I'm so sorry. Remember they have no empathy and you are in for a fight. The last thing you wanted. I'm sorry. You just wish they could have a heart.
I know your tired and I hope this resolves itself quickly so you can have some peace of mind.
Love
Deb
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I am so sorry you are going through such stress and heartache,Hops. Love to you, Ami
((((((Hops))))))))
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I echo GS, dear Hops. OMG Those who are loving and giving are frequently taken to Hell by the underhanded of the world. I just hope your lawyer has a side to him that is just as conniving as your NB's. It takes a shark to fight a shark.
towrite
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Dearest Hops,
I am so very sorry for this ugly turn of events. You DO NOT deserve such treatment. I wish it were possible for you to quit work, get a break (such as it would be) and devote your time to wrangling the underhanded, slithering a__hole. Does he have a leg to stand on? I hope not.
tt
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OMG OMG OMG OMG
What a turd and a turkey.
(((((((((((Hops)))))))))
Love, Beth
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Ggggrrrrr! What a ball of slime…. His actions are pretty telling about who he is.
Hops – I understand. My brother is a carbon copy. I am sorry.
((((((((((((((Sending hugs and strength to you as you go through this ordeal))))))))))))))))
Bravo on telling him that he is not welcome to come back, and I am sorry.....it really hurts to have a brother like this.
((((((Hops)))))))
With love,
Peace
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Hops,
Sad and infuriating, indeed.
Try to find moments of calm within the storm.
cats paw
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Thanks, guys.
I am having the locks changed tomorrow morning, and seeing my lawyer the next.
My panic has passed, and I have decided I'll just deal with one thing at a time.
Nothing I can do to change him, but I will fight back and then release the outcome.
It's the only way I can have peace.
love
Hops
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Hops-Is there a lot of one involved? A friend has a similar situation where she has done all the work and the other sisters want everything split equally. The dad gave more to my friend because she did more. Feels like a divorce. My hope for you is that you calmly get through this ordeal. Does not look like you and your brother will ever have a relationship now! Idiot!
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I'm so sorry, (((Hops.)))
I know you've been taking care to cover yourself legally and protect your and your mother's rights.
I'll read on to see what's developed.
Lighter
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OC, that's the thing. My mother knew I was anxious about what would happen later...we live in a very expensive city and I'd been repeatedly laid off after I came to live with her (the dot-com bubble broke, I worked for 3 in a row) and she, being N, would use my fears to try to manipulate me and get extra attention and service. One week she'd be talking about how we had to sell the house when she passed away so my brother could have "his half"; another week it would be because "the neighbors expect a certain kind of taste, and you don't do things that way", another week she'd say, you know, maybe you're right, I could let you have the house and him the contents. I wrote her a furious anguished letter about it all asking her to just make a decision so I could plan for my own future, and that's the letter my brother stole from my computer. (in the same letter I railed at her for suggesting that she'd leave it to him and he would "always let me live here"--because the one thing I asked was that she not leave me under his thumb or entangled with him in any way, because of how he'd treated me as a child. But she kept trying to force us into some ongoing relationship that didn't exist. (Meanwhile, he's halfway across the country and never ever emailed me to say thank you for taking care of our parents for all these years, much less--how's it going? He'd call her periodically, never me. When he visited her, about once a year for long time, then in the last couple years he's all of a sudden here all the time...he smells inheritance.) Long story shorter, after her hospitalization for a mastectomy I was on the floor cleaning her feet or something, and she said, you know, after this I really do see that it is fair to let you have the house. And her will was changed, leaving me the house and him the contents. Before that hospitaliztion in 2005 she'd also decided to make me Power of Atty (financial and medical) with my daughter as backup. My D lived just 3 hours away and was home often...my brother was across the country and seldom here, so it made sense. For all their head-butting she and my D did love each other and were very close. My mother co-raised her.
Meanwhile, this year when my brother began his campaign in earnest, my mother got ahold of a bank notice from an overdraft I'd allowed to happen during one stretch when I was in major back pain and under a lot of stress at work. I let things pile up for a while, was disorganized and paper-sloppy. Being Mom, she sniifed drama, so instead of pointing it out to me, she called my brother. He said not a word to me but took notes, and when he arrived a month later demanded that I take him to the bank and add his name to our accounts. I said no, and that's when it started. Soon after, the letter from his first lawyer demanding a meeting. On advice of mine, I politely said, that won't be necessary (and meanwhile, I'd gotten the mistake sorted out). Another friend, who is a business mgr to some $$ people here...told me, you are her Power of Attorney. and making an honest mistake does not invalidate it. There is no law that you have to perform perfectly. But the episode was my brother's opportunity...a crack he could drive a wedge into. From then on, he was constantly in town, talking to MY NEIGHBORS hinting that I'm mismanaging my mother's money...suggesting to me that I "took" money from my mother for my D, when in fact my mother insisted on helping my D get to graduate school (the very last check she wrote in her own hand was a gift to help her move). She's helped my D for years, by choice. She loved her and wanted to.
So...it's all escalated from there. My brother is resentful that I have control, he's jealous that I inherit the largest portion of her estate, and he is likely finishing up sibling rivalry from childhood. He is also without conscience. And he wants money. OC, there is just the house, very little cash, and a few valuable objects. In total, the split between the house and contents value is probably 80-20 or 70-30. And I'm sure he doesn't like it.
I didn't much like working myself into poor health taking care of her for 10 years without a word or a penny from him, either.
But so it goes. You get the formula. Plug in drama-NMama, Nbrother, and me. But this time, I'll fight back as best I can, and then release the outcome. I am not going to be tormented. My life goes on and I won't give him my serenity.
love
Hops
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Jeez Hops I am just catching up with this topic now and - may I say - that miserable entitled greedy little SOB! What a little s**t! It's enough to make me, a mere bystander, grind my teeth.
More, indeed All, power to you to stand up for yourself and your well-being, integrity and dignity. You have acquitted yourself incredibly well toward both your mom and him given what you are dealing with and given him more than ample opportunities to grow a new relationship with you. You deserve your freedom and your peace of mind. I'm so glad you have moved to change the locks against that schemer little &^((*&%$ grrrrr!
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One of the great tradgic fallouts of N parents is that their self-absorbed nature often drives them to make sure their children do not love each other. Perhaps that sibling connection would be too threatening to them. It is tradgic because they have a way of making sure that the family disentegrates after their death - as thought their children hadn't suffered enough already.
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My mom wants us to get along in a superficial way. It is never real. When I tell her my aunt is bilking us she defends her. She NEVER defends me! I cannot say anything bad about anyone but she can say anything she wants. But even though her sister rides moms coat tails and has her whole life-mom defends her. N moms are so to predictable. And I suppose when my mom is older my bro and I are gonna fight over what is ours.