Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: finding peace on April 02, 2008, 07:07:06 PM
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Dear CP,
As I wrote in another thread, I found an image of a fire your mother. I would be honored to stand vigil with you until that one special evening when the fire will burn no more. Please let me know a date and time that would be appropriate for you.
You said:
I loved her even though she was broken.
This touched me; I too loved my father even though he was broken.
While my father abused me horribly, he was a tortured soul. Always searching, looking externally for something that was missing in him, and hurting everyone around him because he could not find it. Deep down though, he was a lost soul. He was once a small child who was in desperate need of love. This was very apparent within the last few weeks of his life. I am not condoning or accepting his behavior; I guess I am reaching the understanding that he was incapable of honest self-examination and because he was incapable of this, he was lost. I finally understand, at the gut-level, that it was never me – it was him. And this is freeing, so very freeing for me, and yet so utterly heartbreaking for him.
For me, the ending of the fire will be symbolic of the end of the passing of pain and negativity from generation to generation. The abuse stops here, with me. I will give my children what he wasn’t able to give me – a better start, a life free of the negativity of generations past.
The fire will also represent the end of my burning rage and pain – I will let it go, as it too is a loop in the cycle of pain.
It will also be my prayer that in death, he has found the peace he never found in life and my prayer for me, that I am finding peace.
Maybe we can all find peace…….
Namaste,
Peace
(Please let me know if you want this thread titled a specific way)
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Dearest Finding Peace,
It is of unmeasurable worth to have your understanding.
I will try to write out my greatest regret before May 15th.
The only thing I would like added to the thread title is some kind of invitation for others who would like to share in this symbolic
ritual. Thank you for sharing about your father, for finding the image of the fire, and standing vigil.
Before the fire burns no more, I will place a large bouquet with one special rose in the center, a Peace rose, which was one of my
mom's favorites.
cats paw
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::taking place next to the fire::
I'm with you Catspaw and FP.
(((catspaw)))
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I will place shame, rage, ambivalence, imperfection and sorrow in the fire.
When my mother passes, and my brother either wins, loses, or backs away...I will place all of that pain in the fire, and let it go.
I will place the pain and rage and fear of others I know and care about in the fire, too, and wish peace for them.
As the smoke rises, I will remember how large the universe is, and how far the stars are, and how small this wisp of smoke is in the cosmos. And how I have a place in it, and it is okay to let go. I will not be lost.
Thanks, Peace.
love,
Hops
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All of my story up to today - the trials & tribulations of Twiggy - and all the maladapted coping mechanisms...
fear, shame, anger...
up in smoke.
Thanks, finding peace.
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When you're ready catspaw......
we'll add more wood
and begin.
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I tried to get on the board last night, but could not get on the internet. There were problems with my ISP, and it happens so rarely that I wonder if it was meant to be that way.
Yesterday would have been my mom's birthday. All of the caregivers went to lunch with me at the place we took my mom last year. I'm a bit puzzled, in retrospect, regarding the time spent talking about my mom. I thought there would have been a lot more of it- more reminiscing.
On Mother's Day, I felt like I should take flowers to the grave, but I didn't. I've never been one to do that, even for my late H.
My H and I took his mom and her H to dinner, and we did tell some stories about my mom. That helped.
I'm not able to let a lot of things go yet. What I do need to let go, however, is the sadness that I have had all my life that I was not able to make my mom happy. She was extremely overprotective, but a good mom when I was little. When I was old enough to start wanting to have a self- and that started quite early- was when there were a lot of problems.
I want to put eighteen dozen red roses on the fire, with one peace rose in the middle of them, and also mark what would have been my mom's 71st birthday.
My H reminded me the other night that it's not even been six months yet, but he also tried to remind me that I need to be happy.
It was always a problem- happiness. It often came with guilt, and I often felt like it was at my mother's expense.
Enough of that for now. I might like to write more later, but if anyone would like to put anything in the fire, please feel welcome.
cats paw
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I hope you can detach from those feelings of guilt.....
and embrace your moments.....
freely.
I have things to add to the fire....
I'll wait till you're ready and everyone can attend.
Lighter
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Cat, I'll help you lay your misplaced guilt in the fire...
anytime.
with love,
Hops
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I would love to join with you and help cat and others. Also, I would like to burn in the fire all my fears, shame and pain. Thank you for this thread FP.
God bless you!!!!!
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I'd be more than happy to add the fear that came of being criticized, the shame that came from being put down constantly, the inability to trust others and my own abilities, and other inbred nastiness of that ilk.
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Last night was perfectly cool and breezy...... like being near the sea.
Almost briney.
Almost a full moon.
I thought about you Catspaw.
Lighter
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((catspaw))
Thanks Peace and lighter!
I would like to add the old stuff
voiceless
sad
shame
guilt
bitterness
less than
anger
regret
little me
Keeping..... a stronger me. seasons
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My head tingled when I read your post, Seasons, lol.
What wonderful things to add to the fire.
Yes.
Lighter
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I'll add fear of tomorrow's hearing outcome, or its continuance negotiations...
all that.
Released to the flame.
Hops
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Awwww ((FP))
Sorry to hear your kitty's having troubles.
She's had a happy long life..... what a wonderful companion you've been.
Maybe it's time for a new kitten?
Loved the ice cream post..... "Cooommmmeeee to mama" so sweet!
Accepting each moment as it is....
esp during tougher times.....
helps mamas keep their serenity.
Lighter