Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gabben on April 09, 2008, 02:48:28 PM
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Why when someone tells us to be gentle to ourselves does it evoke such painful shame? Why is that? It makes me want to run away farther and hide my face and never show it...it makes me hurt myself.
Why?
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Gabben.....when this happens to me ,i think i feel shame because i'm so used to feeling sorta worthless about myself and being kind to someone like me doesnt seem natural. I also believe that maybe on a deeper level it starts to trigger very deep hurt feelings and i run from these too not knowing what i'm doing, afterall it was the way that i handled the original hurt....by taking the shame of others in order to survive.........Hope you are feeling better today........James
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Dear Lise - I can't know, but I could pose questions that you could see if they feel 'off' or 'on.' Sometimes I use this process of open-ended questions with myself to try to gain insights.
When you hear that phrase, do you feel as if caught or discovered in a transgression - if no -then can you free associate words that describe the particular feeling when you hear the phrase?
What are your feelings toward yourself at the different points (a) when you hear the phrase and then later (b) when you lash at yourself.
Who are you acting for/on behalf of when you are lashing at yourself?
Here is an iffy one - The part of you that doles out the lashing upon yourself afterward - how is it trying to help? What is motivating the lashing? (I don't know for you, but I have found myself doing the following so that is why I am putting them in here in case you feel identification with what I have found in myself) Is it trying to appease someone? Is it trying to keep you safe by keeping you 'in line' or 'teaching a lesson?'
I hope this may be helpful Lise. I read your struggle with shame and yearn to help and recognize the painful painful experience from my own life, but don't know if I have anything effective to assist you with. If these words are not helpful or effective, please compost!
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I know what you mean,Lise. I guess it evokes shame b/c we are NOT kind and gentle to ourselves and know that we should be,, so we feel" less than.' That makes sense to me. Love Ami
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It feels belittling, I think that is it....I've never told anyone in my life that because I guess I know that anyone who is suffering or does not have a lot of self-respect is not so much in need of hearing the words "be gentle to yourself" as much as they are in need of hearing someome say, "I hear your pain, your OK, I care."
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I have had that experience Gabben. It is a terrible feeling. I understand how that is shaming though I could have never expressed it the way you and Phoenis Rising and Ami did. It makes me want to say - "Why can't YOU be gentle to me?"
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Dear, Ami, GS, PR, James, Iphi -- Thanks for all of your input and for reaching out.
Another thought that came to me is that it could be a transfer of shame; perhaps someone feels the shame that we can unconsciously evoke in them as our way of trying to tell the story of how painful our shame is but instead it makes them uncomfortable for who knows what reasons such as weakness, feelings of inadequacy to fix our suffering, in those fears they transfer it back to us with be good to ourselves as a way to belittle us.
What is belittlement? Is it not the most toxic feeling when someone does that....thank heavens it does not anger me now...it just hurts but I can rise above it more quickly than I used too...that is progress.
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I definitely think people put their shame on others. But I think when people say, "Be gentle to yourself." that they usually are being kind. It just doesn't always feel that way. But then again, I suspect not everyone is intending kindness.
Belittlement is toxic indeed.
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My Aunt told me to be kind to myself. She did not mean it in a shaming way. She IS kind to herself, so she meant it in the way she sees it. Ami
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Lise,
I've been married to two men who didn't like me to talk about my faults, shortcomings, struggles, etc. One was NPD and the other is just... a man.
In all of my life, I've never heard my mother admit to a flaw or failing. Not once.
She demands answers, plans, solutions, methods of control and/or cover-up to the issues of anyone who's allowed to gain access to her. She's a fixer.
When somebody tries to fix you and all you need is to be heard, it's very distressing. You're not looking for a solution, you're looking for ears that are willing to remain open long enough for you to fully express the depth of what's troubling you. My current husband is a fixer and there's very little about which he's interested in plumbing the depths... and so I've had to come to terms with a variety of my own reactions to his style.
Part of it may well be that such folks don't want to take a look at their own uncomfortable shame, so they don't want to allow you to pull your own stuff out into the light of day because they're afraid they'll be expected to follow suit.
I'm not uncomfortable with shame anymore. It's a fact of life. I'm ashamed of some of the things I've actually done, but I don't have to confess those things to any tom, dick, or harry who happens by because there's only One who counts. I'm not ashamed for how others might see me... because they don't know my heart. Maybe the shame isn't something that is supposed to be driven away with a whip? As far as I have known and experienced, only the cleansing water of life can wash it away.
But I know what you mean. I've watched people squirm when I've shared something with them that I found shameful. I guess that compassion is the only antidote for that... so that we don't take it personally, as an offense, but can recognize that it's their own issues which don't allow them to connect with us at that level.
Oh, also... there are a couple of people who have told me to be gentle with myself, etc... and I've thought that they say that simply because it's a personal struggle of their own that they deal with regularly, and so they're giving me the very best advice they know - - what they wish they could do for themselves.
Hope some of this rambling helps.
Love,
Carolyn
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Carolyn,
I just typed the most well written, long and wonderful response to you :D, Ami and GS but I was not logged in and it got lost....sorry :(.
Now I have to leave.
Thanks for your rambling Carolyn, I always love to hear you ramble.
I heard all that was written here and I appreciate all of your voices.
Love,
Lise
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Oh, Lise, I'm sorry to have missed your wonderful reply... lol, this technology can be aggravating. Thanks for being so sweet, too. I get cut off alot because of my roundabout detours, or at least that's how it feels, at times. You make it seem far less of a struggle to try to communicate.
(((((((Lollie))))))) I hear you and yes, you're making sense. Been there. There is no scorecard. That is the single most difficult truth I've ever tried to accept and still, I can accept it only by faith. Takes alot of time.... but you'll come to recognize that nobody else has to lose by virtue of your gain. That's just another of the old lies. It's the remnants of someone else's envy imposed on us and we can simply leave it lying in the pit where it belongs.
Love,
Carolyn
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Gabben,
This is a very thought-provoking post. I had never really been able identify the feeling I get when someone says that to me, probably because it doesn't feel like one feeling. It won't even come out here as one thought, so please bear with me. :?
Shame mixed with frustration is the first thing. Shame, because it never even OCCURRED to me to take care of myself...and frustration because I feel like I don't know how and I should know, right? I remember when I was in my first round of T with "CBT-Man." He would ask me how much sleep I was getting, if I was eating, was I exercising. I swear to God, it never even occurred to me that I should be getting more than five hours of sleep or eating more than a banana and a Ritz cracker. And perhaps part of me thought I wasn't even worth that much. I'm better than that now, thank God, but I still struggle with how to take care of myself...because all of my energy has been focused on taking care of other people. Even when they can do for themselves. When I do something to take care of myself, I feel selfish. And when I feel selfish, I feel as if I'm hurting someone, and then I feel terrible. As if somewhere there's a scorecard. If I do something good for myself and get a point in that column, somewhere someone is losing a point in their good column. Does that make sense?
Of course it doesn't.
Sometimes when people say "take care of yourself," and I know they are genuine, I feel cared for and valued, and yet at the same time, I want to shake them and say, "Easy for you to say. You know what that means! What does that mean?"
Does anyobody know what that means?
Dear Lollie
You expressed the problem so well. I feel guilty being "selfish". That HORRIBLE word that the N parent uses to cut you to the core ,so you will throw yourself away--out to the breeze.
Part of reclaiming ourselves IS to take care of ourselves, emotionally and physically.
It is what "normal" people do. It is what we must do.
We have to overcome the lies that told us we were NOT worth it.
Thank you,Lollie ,for your post. Love Ami
(((((((((Lollie))))))
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I too share these reactions when someone tells me to self-care: Shame (I don't deserve anything good, so I don't deserve to care about myself), anger (don't tell me what to do,how to feel, why can't you simply listen to me?), humiliation (do I really look like I"m so stupid that I don't know how to take care of myself?)
I'm working on self care in therapy and my therapist explained to me what it meant because I didn't know what "self care" meant: doing things that make me feel good, things I enjoy, treating my body well, non being self destructive: hot shower, taking a walk, watching a movie, calling a friend. For me, the hardest thing for me was to get over the shame hump and force myself to be good and gentle with myself, guess I had to reprogram my brain: I am worthy of self care, even self love. It was and is really hard to get over the shame hump & reprogram my brain, but now I find that doing self care things have made me feel better.
I think self care is a skill that I'm learning. Maybe self care is like learning a foreign language or any new skill. Maybe self care is a force of nature, like gravity or physics: I don't really understand it and I have my doubts and negativity towards it, but it works. Maybe I don't understand all the implicatioins of my feelings concerning self care, but it works.
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This is such a deep topic with layers and layers I think. Last night I was thinking more about it.
On Tuesday me and my H had just exactly this kind of interaction. I learned on Tuesday morning that I have not lost any pregnancy weight (and I gained a lot) in over a year - not a single pound and I've been nursing and restricting my diet too (people said it would melt off dammit) - this made me very upset and I was taking it out on myself. He said be kind to yourself, treat yourself well etc. And because this happened side by side with this topic here, it prompted me to look deeper into the experience and how it felt.
A big part of this is our relationship - I am able to accept his caring toward me. This is not a given. This was something I had to grow into over time and I have realized I am in a lot of ways blind to caring behavior from others to me - like a perception deficit plus a skills deficit. If a different person said it to me or difference circumstances - it might mean something different.
So anyway he was saying that and I could see - it distresses him that I was saying stuff about myself and hating my body. He was upset for me.
He was witnessing abuse. And he spoke up and out about it, for me.
It makes me wonder if when we are abusing at ourselves, if we are being/enacting in the role of our abusers, toward ourselves. Anything that happens to them they take out on us. So if someone stepped in and called attention to abuse they would further take it out on us. I don't know. I'm just turning this over and over and contemplating it.
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Hey Lise are you doing alright? I've been thinking of you and how courageously you raised this issue. Hoping you are well.
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Iphi,
Thank you for asking, that helps. I've been in a lot of emotional pain, too much to talk or write much. I'll be OK. Ironically, I'm trying to be really gentle to myself...Taking baby-steps and just doing what is in front of me.
I'll get through this. God did not bring me this far to drop me off now :)
Hugs and thanks again. Hope you are well too.
Lise
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I am sorry you are hurting,Lise. I am sending good thoughts of peace and prayers your way.
Your definition of 'you" is NOT from the saintly N.
You are defined from above, only.
I know these are only words and can sound like platitudes when you are in pain. I send them with love and hope they offer some small comfort. Love Ami
(((((((Lise)))))))
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Hi Ami,
Those are powerful words. Very helpful -- Thanks.
Lately, I have been reflecting on how I can let go of my attachments to how others see me and rely on just how God sees me. It is very painful...I'm working my way past the hurt to the cleansing tears that will release some of the toxins I have been holding on to around the pain of never being seen, really seen. I cannot recall a time in my life where my mom ever looked at me with a selfless sparkle of joy in her eyes for me, especially when I was a child. I know she loved me but her love was tainted with toxin.
For the last few weeks I feel as though I have been releasing toxins from my body, or poisen...I'm not sure if it is the poisen of N saints bite of envy and her recent attack or if it is just the release of old toxic memories, probably both.
It hurts to never have been loved. It hurts to feel so rejected and unwanted in so many ways right now but I am OK...I'm just offering it up and reflecting on others and their pains...I know that I am never alone and my pain will help someone else one day, I hope.
Instead of carrying my cross with dignity I tend to drag it behind me, kicking and screaming all the way.
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Dear Lise,
For a long time,I have tried to feel God's love for me, inside myself, I have finally made some breakthroughs. He really is close to the broken hearted, as I learned when Scott died.
All in all, the only thing that matters is Him and if you are in His hands.
I hate to write"platitudes",but the only words that help deep pain ,for me, are words such as these.
I am sending you prayers,Lise. Love Ami
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Dear Lise - What an opportunity to be practicing treating yourself well, but when the pressure is on. I send you vibes of love and support. I understand about never having been loved and how much it hurts. I didn't have anyone in my family, and still dont, with whom I have a real love relationship, or anything even in the vicinity of such. The past is a graveyard. The future, however, is wide open.
I often think of something Ami has written. Hope I paraphrase correctly, "If you call me a chair, am I a chair?"
If you reject me, am I a reject? If you don't love me, am I unloved, unlovable? If you call me a pain, am I a pain? If you betray me, am I a sucker?
When I think about this in this way, it seems more clear to me that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the other person and the way they treat people, and the patterns that they are trapped in.
Of course then 5 minutes later I am obsessing because my dad is trashing me to extended family (who I know don't love me or bother with me), and it stresses and upsets me what they think of me. Huh! Why can't wisdom stick??
lollie - I meant to respond to your post! And say thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts. I really hear you - so hard to carve out any kind of time to just be awake and aware, and not be rushing and attending. Sometimes I will wake up around 3 a.m., and in the past when this used to happen I often used to fret and worry at that time. But now I kind of appreciate just lying there staring at the ceiling, appreciating the space and time!
But yes it is a real lesson to me, in a good way, that the H is on my side even when I'm not. No one in all my extended family, not one person, gave me that experience or feels that way about me. And though I've had some good friends I wouldn't presume too much on those relationships. So this is the first time I've experienced stable healthy love. Though he was annoyed earlier when I couldn't find the arrowroot cookies even though they were right under my nose - lol - okay that's reality. It motivates me to make many more positive changes and work to be able to give more and better.
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I cannot recall a time in my life where my mom ever looked at me with a selfless sparkle of joy in her eyes for me, especially when I was a child. I know she loved me but her love was tainted with toxin.
((((((((Lise)))))))) if God carried a wallet, your photo woulda been in it and if He had a frig, the pictures you drew and colored woulda been on it.
In my heart, I believe that we get that joyous sparkle redeemed and multiplied to the degree that we will receive it from Him and spread it forward to others.... and on that assurance, it's possible to build a brand new life beyond our wildest dreams. I really do believe that... and I believe in you.
Love,
Carolyn
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Gab - I know that when I tried to be good to myself when I was young, I was immediately shamed by my parents - criticized, put down, called names, etc. As I grew up, I internalized their carpings as a response to myself. As they had said, I wasn't worth it. It took me a long time to recognize this shame; the shame blocked any attempts to nurture myself. I ended up living in dangerous situations, and feeling guilty if I wanted to do something the "easy way" for a change. I always did everything the "hard way." It was the internalization of the shame from my NPs - it did not originate from myself.
I had no idea what people meant when they said, "You're being too hard on yourself". I knew no other way. After years of hearing this from friends as an adult, I finally began asking people to give me examples. It sunk in, piece by piece. I still struggle with it.
I know what you mean when "the help offered feels like slaughter".
towrite
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Dear Lise - What an opportunity to be practicing treating yourself well, but when the pressure is on.
Agreed! -- I've been self-loathing for a lifetime...perhaps it is time for me to wrap my little arms around myself, squeeze (with gentleness).
I'm beginning to feel better, can you tell?
It has been as if poisen has been detoxifying out of my body, each day is getting a little easier.
I send you vibes of love and support.
Thank you, I need them...I need all the strengthening and affirming I can get being the double N victim, once bitten for 18 years by my mom and now bitten for about 18 months by a therapist/spiritual fraud guru.
I can tell that you know what I mean and how I feel, thanks.
I often think of something Ami has written. Hope I paraphrase correctly, "If you call me a chair, am I a chair?"
This is good, it was helpful to read this this morning. Am I crazy is the one going through my mind....well in some respects, yes. But being crazy or having emotional and mental issues is a part of many people's realities, so the question is am I alone? NO...I focus on the little simple things I can do for others and myself that bring peace and joy.
Iphi -- thank you, what a wonderful voice you have.
Lise
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((((((((Lise)))))))) if God carried a wallet, your photo woulda been in it and if He had a frig, the pictures you drew and colored woulda been on it.
Carolyn,
Comments like this go directly into my heart and strengthen me...I needed to hear something kind this morning such as these words.
I'm sure that Gods gotta photo of you on His desk.
Lise
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Gab - I know that when I tried to be good to myself when I was young, I was immediately shamed by my parents - criticized, put down, called names, etc. As I grew up, I internalized their carpings as a response to myself. As they had said, I wasn't worth it. It took me a long time to recognize this shame; the shame blocked any attempts to nurture myself. I ended up living in dangerous situations, and feeling guilty if I wanted to do something the "easy way" for a change. I always did everything the "hard way." It was the internalization of the shame from my NPs - it did not originate from myself.
I had no idea what people meant when they said, "You're being too hard on yourself". I knew no other way. After years of hearing this from friends as an adult, I finally began asking people to give me examples. It sunk in, piece by piece. I still struggle with it.
I know what you mean when "the help offered feels like slaughter".
towrite
Thank you towrite for understanding.
It is as if I want to tell people "Yes, I know I am hard on myself, I know that I can't love or respect myself but please be patient with me, self can't overcome self."
Didn't you say that you wrote a book about dealing with N therapists, or something along those lines?
Lise
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Dear Lise - I am reading Betrayal Bonds right now, by Patrick Carnes. Last night I read a really powerful section that had information that was very new to me, about how trauma affects people over time.
Today I went looking around on the web to see if anyone had summarized or discussed this section and this courageous blogger who is dealing with ptsd from abuse turns out to have done a series of posts on the book and the information.
Here is a link to the blogger's post about the book, where it discusses how trauma affects us over time:
http://ptsdme.blogspot.com/2005/12/roots-of-ptsd-how-trauma-affects.html
"Patrick Carnes lists eight ways trauma affects people over time:
trauma reaction
trauma arousal
trauma blocking
trauma splitting
trauma abstinence
trauma shame
trauma repetition
trauma bonds
Most traumatized people will display some combination of these rather than just one."
When I read the section on trauma shame in the book, I thought of you (and also lots of people who have written here about their struggles with shame). Have you read this book before? I know people here have mentioned it, which is why it was on my 'to read' list and I finally bought it this weekend. It's kind of blowing my mind right now. Hope this helps.
I love Carolyn's brilliant post. God would definitely go shopping with you and pick out cute clothes in colors that flatter you, for you to try on, and then you would go to lunch at your favorite place.
((((Courageous Lise))))
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Hi Iphi,
This was very helpful, for the last hour I have been reading...I also started researching collusion and enmeshment in Codependency:
http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html
I've ordered the book.
Just having some of the symptoms validated for me have taken some of the edge off. I could not understand why I am having such a hardtime separating out from the priest who, listened and trusted therapist, N saint's slander and betrayal. Now I realize the he, as good and wise as he is, has is own issues and healing. He was fooled by her too which only tells me that he has his own codependent issues. He is a wonderful good soul though, just human.
Now I understand why I am attached and not separating out from him...it is the trauma of this woman's betrayal....I'm still reading and learning...but that insight brings relief. I just want my life back and my sanity. She has rented far too much space in my mind than she deserves, it is not like me to let someone reside in my thoughts so much, now I understand why. Distance and space will help the situation. I need my healing, I deserve my healing.
Thank you Iphi.
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Just thinking of you,Lise. The N's problems reside in them,not us. I am seeing that with my M, finally. She will destroy me ,without a thought, if it means keeping her mask on.
We don't need to own the N's issues. It is not a reflection on us, even though it IS pointed to us. It is THIER problem, as evidenced by my recent interaction. Love Ami
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Hi Ami,
This is one of the most painful situations I have ever worked through.
I've been trying to figure out what the burning sensation is that runs constantly through my body. Now I know it is shame. N saint has never acknowledged her role or hurtful behavior towards me, she has treated me like a speck of dirt that got in her windshield of opportunity. She, like an usurping sibling, saw what I had and took it, without remorse.
The priest, is healthy, fairly. I can now see some of his issues glaring. So now, perhaps, the burning shame I feel is their shame....all of their unwanted shame of the situation has been dumped on me, perhaps??
So, I pray everyday, offering all up, praying for them. Because I have worked through so much of my anger issues I can reach for forgiveness so much more easily, it actually brings immediate relief. My expectations are low, I do not expect apologies, amends, acknowledgement or retribution, that is another relief and freedom.
I just want my health and peace. I just want to love and even accept them in all of their life's struggles, only Lord knows what they have had to suffer in their lives too. It is so good to be free from anger.
Justice is not mine. I have already filed an honest claim with the board of behavioral sciences on the N saint, stating my truth, the rest is on God's hands. The priest is good, he will find a way to heal and work out his own stuff. No need for me to bring or point anyone out.
One of the pains is being ignored by my parish. I think that they are afraid and just want it to all go away. But I don't blame them. They have many more important things to deal with and they must perceive that I am strong and capable on my own.
N saint will be found out, God help her.
Lise
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Look at my recent interaction. WAS it MY fault? Case closed. It was clearer and ,perhaps easier to see ,in this case,BUT it is the same in all cases. Love Ami
(((((((Lise))))))))
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NO -- it was NOT your fault.
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It is NOT your fault either. Mine is just EASIER to see. Love Ami
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It is as if I want to tell people "Yes, I know I am hard on myself, I know that I can't love or respect myself but please be patient with me, self can't overcome self."
Lise,
This is so beautiful, like lyrics to a song, a song I will sing to myself, about myself. If you feel safe, why not say this to people who you feel down you for not self caring?
I know she loved me but her love was tainted with toxin. On GS's Shame thread, GS wrote about how her parents taught her a toxic definition of love. I think this may be true for many of us. It is definately true for me.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. This work is painful, but I know you will come out of it with self love and peace.
love, annie
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I'm sorry you're in so much pain. This work is painful, but I know you will come out of it with self love and peace.
Dear ann3:
Thank you. Sometimes I can see a light at the end of this long tunnel but then I realize that the light is just another of my delusions and I am still in the muck of my pain. About a year ago, the very deep layer pain started, it has barely let up, infant, toddler and womb memories and more memories erupt weekly. From time to time I hit an oasis, some peace and rest that resembles self-discipline comes my way. Then I get another hit from N saint which triggers another layer of pain and memories - the healing starts again. Some memories are from my teenage years, the trauma of my mom's N love.
But really this time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is very dim and sometimes obscured by large rocks, but I know it is there.
This last round of darkness, shame, pain and hurt is the blackest yet...but interestingly I can handle it because of all of the other painful stuff that I have gone through.
Peace and hugs to you,
Lise
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but that insight brings relief.
Hold on to this Gabben.
But really this time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is very dim and sometimes obscured by large rocks, but I know it is there.
This last round of darkness, shame, pain and hurt is the blackest yet...but interestingly I can handle it because of all of the other painful stuff that I have gone through.
It is my belief that healing is a spiral UP just as some of the wounding has been a spiral DOWN. So as we spiral UP there are dark times until we come full circle again into the light. Once I saw this pattern repeat itself over and over I became more able to withstand the darkest darkness - just because I KNEW the light was coming. The light is not a delusion - it is real - it only seems to be fleeting because in the spiral there are sections that take you through darkness.
I believe you are getting there.
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((((((((((GS, Ann, Iphi, Lise))))))))))))) Love Ami
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((((((((Lise))))))))
With gas prices so high, I've been spending alot of time, lately, just waiting - sometimes walking and praying - while the kids have their practices, etc.
Just mentioning that because it struck me how God can use something as aggravating as the high cost of fuel to bless our lives :) It's definitely brought changes to my routine and offered many opportunities to be still and ponder, read, meditate, pray... to simply be.
Anyhow, last night as I sat in a parking lot with no one else around, I began to read the Psalms... aloud. Wow, is that powerful!
Just hearing these words of truth lifted me up and out of myself, expanding my vision and easing the burdens of the day. Sharper than a two-edged sword, you know? Absolutely, positively, the daily bread - the sustenance without which I'd starve. Got to Psalm 31 and thought of you so strongly... the whole thing, and especially this part:
18 Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.
19 Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!
20 Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.
24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.
I hope that you will continue to increase in comfort, peace, and strength, dear Lise.
Love,
Carolyn
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Yes, Lise, I did. It's called "Trick or Treatment: How to recognize and stop therapy abuse."
Kate
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((((((((Lise))))))))
With gas prices so high, I've been spending alot of time, lately, just waiting - sometimes walking and praying - while the kids have their practices, etc.
Just mentioning that because it struck me how God can use something as aggravating as the high cost of fuel to bless our lives :) It's definitely brought changes to my routine and offered many opportunities to be still and ponder, read, meditate, pray... to simply be.
Anyhow, last night as I sat in a parking lot with no one else around, I began to read the Psalms... aloud. Wow, is that powerful!
Just hearing these words of truth lifted me up and out of myself, expanding my vision and easing the burdens of the day. Sharper than a two-edged sword, you know? Absolutely, positively, the daily bread - the sustenance without which I'd starve. Got to Psalm 31 and thought of you so strongly... the whole thing, and especially this part:
18 Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.
19 Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!
20 Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.
24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.
I hope that you will continue to increase in comfort, peace, and strength, dear Lise.
Love,
Carolyn
Carolyn,
The walking instead of driving sounds nice :wink:
Those quotes are wonderful and very poignant. Just this past weekend found myself reading psalm 30 -- my hope is that deliverance is just around the corner but I'm not crossing my fingers just yet. I may have to do some fasting to get a break through on this one.
One of the ideas that has tormented me is that N saint works now with post-abortive men and woman, these are hurting people who deserve real love and real attention. She no doubt just sees these people as easy N supply or see's them as the ideal prey, vulnerable, emotionally needy. The attention will be all on her and all about her. Is that not amazing that she cannot even empathize with people and yet she is doing emotional healing work and trauma healing?!? -- I pray for the men and woman everyday -- I trust God knows what he is doing.
I'm growing - lately when I pray I just hear God saying to me to be patient and that I am in a recovery stage right now of healing trauma. In other words I am in high alert stage and high stress stage. I could hear God saying that if the best I could do is nothing than that is good enough for Him. He says I'll get better with time and the release of all of these shameful toxins takes time.
Today is a bit better of a day for me
Lise
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but that insight brings relief.
Hold on to this Gabben.
But really this time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is very dim and sometimes obscured by large rocks, but I know it is there.
This last round of darkness, shame, pain and hurt is the blackest yet...but interestingly I can handle it because of all of the other painful stuff that I have gone through.
It is my belief that healing is a spiral UP just as some of the wounding has been a spiral DOWN. So as we spiral UP there are dark times until we come full circle again into the light. Once I saw this pattern repeat itself over and over I became more able to withstand the darkest darkness - just because I KNEW the light was coming. The light is not a delusion - it is real - it only seems to be fleeting because in the spiral there are sections that take you through darkness.
I believe you are getting there.
GS -- Thanks for your encouragement and sharing this. It is almost as if the more we become healthier ,the more we can take, and then God starts unloading the hard stuff saying -- "process this."
Lise