Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on April 10, 2008, 11:04:00 AM
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Hi Izzy,
I'm sad to see you quiet after your blowup with Ami...we need you here, quirky one.
I had a thought--you have had so much pain pent up for 15 years. A lake full, and all of it around the loss of your child (and grandchildren). Yes, she lives and they live, but all this time you have been walled out of their lives, and nearly completely cut off emotionally. And it has devastated you. Your first tears in 15 years were just the other day, when the movie of dogs abandoned in the snow broke you open.
So I'm wondering if you're not unusually vulnerable to emotional triggers right now. For me, if I'd shed tears the size of wineglasses after so many years of swallowed pain--I'd be exploding all over the place, boundaries between past and present and me and mine and one child and another and mothers and children everywhere would be twanging past my ears like bowstrings. I'd feel I was in a forest with invisible arrows whizzing past my ears.
I just want to ask you how you're doing. Don't go away.
love to you,
Hops
I can't imagine anything so disorienting. A cleansing kind of thing but a very primal raw one, too.
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Izz,
Maybe I am totally wrong here... but I was also wondering if you were getting comfortable here and maybe trying to reject that feeling, since it is not one you are used to.
You have made a ton of progress. I hope you will be able to still be part of this group as you have a lot to offer here.
Love, Beth
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You know, Hops , there is a difference between actions AND a person. Actions can be right or wrong. Izzy let loose in a very abusive way towards me.
If you did not read her post, she said that I was culpable for Scott's death b/c I was too busy worrying about my M and typing ,on the board. She said ,"May *I* never rest in peace" and worse.
Hops, there IS a right and wrong way to act.
Izzy ,as a PERSON, is NOT the issue.
What she said and did is, she should be responsible for. All of us suffered at people's hands who decimated us and then blamed us , which is what she did.
She said if *I*had answered her question ,in the way she wanted, she would not have "let loose" on me.
I know Izzy has had many struggles. My heart goes out to her for this, BUT, there is a time ,in our recovery when we stand up and say,"NO" when s/one is abusive to us and call it what is IS , Hops . Ami
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I do understand, Ami.
It was incredibly hurtful; it must been such a painful shock to read those words.
You were very strong in your response, and I hope you're feeling okay.
I'm glad you've gotten such love and support, and you were good at saying No.
I'm just reaching out to Izzy.
Wanting to offer her compassion anyway.
Ok?
love,
Hops
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Hops,
I HAVE compassiom for Izzy. I do. We are all sick, here,including Izzy, b/c we don't stand up. *I* needed to stand up and that is what I did. Ami
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This is how I feel. I feel very badly for Izzy. However, a person cannot simply let all their bile go on another person and then blame THEM. It is unacceptable ,here and in real life.
It simply is unacceptable to let YOUR pain, shame, guilt and fear be dumped on s/one else b/c that person(me) was vulnerable.
That is what all our N's did to us.That is what Izzy did to me.
I am all for Izzy learning from it, as we all do here.
Ami
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So I'm wondering if you're not unusually vulnerable to emotional triggers right now. For me, if I'd shed tears the size of wineglasses after so many years of swallowed pain--I'd be exploding all over the place, boundaries between past and present and me and mine and one child and another and mothers and children everywhere would be twanging past my ears like bowstrings. I'd feel I was in a forest with invisible arrows whizzing past my ears.
I can't imagine anything so disorienting. A cleansing kind of thing but a very primal raw one, too.
Just want to say... I think it takes a tremendous amount of grace to live in this world... and mercy, too.... and what you've written here really touched my heart, dear Hops. I can imagine it all, as well... in technocolor. Surely compassion can make all the difference.
Love,
Carolyn
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Hi Ami...
I'm glad you're speaking up for yourself and naming your experience.
It's fine with me!
I did intend this thread to be for Izzy though...thought she might need a space to process too. This was my way of trying to offer her that.
Please feel free to keep posting in this thread about that conflict as long as you'd like. I'll start another for Izz...can you stay off that one until she has a chance to speak too? I just have a feeling she might need a "holding silence", some listening space. (I'm afraid if you come in to guide the responses, Izzy may be silent permanently. Speaking for myself, I don't want that outcome...)
Thanks, Ami.
love
Hops
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Izzy
I had my voice and that is MY part in it.
I want the best for you,Izzy.
I think you should stay on the board, b/c the board is your home.
If I am pricked, I will push back.
I ,truly , want your life to be the fullest possible. I think the board is an important part of your life and you should stay. Ami
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ann
If you read quizzy, that will be the place to continue to chastise me.
Iz
Saying how I feel is chastising you?
This feels like familiar ground, so, please have the last word.
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hey Izzy.... I tried to mail you 3 times... computer messing up.
You know what's in your heart and so does God.... I know too.
I don't think you've left but I know how it feels to need a break.
I need you, dear one so..... finish up that web site, bake that cake for you and Hops then lets sing Happy Birthday on a shiney new thread.
Lighter
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ann
If you read quizzy, that will be the place to continue to chastise me.
Iz
Saying how I feel is chastising you?
Ann
I was stunned at how mean you sounded and I felt you were kicking someone who was already down
I would say that saying how you feel is how you feel. I don't need the last word: I really don't.
I suspect that the others were saying how they felt too.
Izzy
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Hi lighter,
I hope you are dealing well with your demons.
I'll be here for a bit...still have about 25 pages to delete. It would be nice if the Board went back to normal instead of focusing on the incident.
There are enough threads with 2, if someone has a kind word, or if there is still someone who cannot get past this incident. I believe I can, if the Board resumes with the normal abnormalities.
I do need a home, but my old posts are no longer of value, so they will be gone.
I'll be back to you later
Love
Izzy
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Thank you hops for the thread
and Beth. Yes I was comfortable here, but not ready to leave at that point. I still have my bogeymen, but far fewer than at the beginning
and Ami for your kind words,
and PR, I posted on the 'ears for Izz' thread.
and Carolyn.. that was some picture Hops drew with her bowsrings and arrows. I feel very calm, somehow.
and ann, for trying. We were just getting to know one another.
Take care of yourselves
Izzy
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Izz,
I am glad you will be around.
Why do you feel your old posts are not worth anything? They are to many of us. There are others who can learn from what you have experienced and learned.
Love, Beth
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I'm glad to hear you plan to stick around Izzy. 8)
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Izzy,
I have not been reading a lot over the past weeks so am not clued into what was going on the board but all I know is that I value your presence on the board and am grateful for the support and encouragement I have experienced from you. I wish life was easier for all of us, stuggling again these days myself, it never ceases to surprise me, the unfairness of it all. I keep thinking it is about time I got over that dumb idea - sure, life is fair!!!
Thinking of you,
axa