Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on April 11, 2008, 07:32:53 PM
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My cousin had a baby-his wife is the former druggie. They are having a dedication for the baby tonight. My aunt told me a couple days ago but I decided to not go unless he himself called me. He and his wife make NO effort for anyone else. they think the world revolves around them. So he calls TODAY and tells us it is important to them to have family there. Well my mom called me twice to see if I planned to go. I told her no but out came the guilt proven by the second call.
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Hi Overcomer,
Isn't it frustrating to be pulled into someone's unhealthy ecology? I say ecology because it's behavior that affects others. "Aware" or self-aware or other-aware people do ecology checks to see how their behavior will affect others - then proceed with caution.
I think it's totally okay to speak your boundary. "I need at least 48 hours to work things into my schedule, barring emergencies, of course! Have a lovely time!"
Don't allow them to pull you in to the drama. If they complain about you, and you get wind of it, simply repeat your mantra. "I need 48 hours to work things into my schedule, barring emergencies of course!" Smile and breeze away. Certain and in control. They will respect you for it. Don't back down or be defensive or make excuses for your behavior.
I'm with ya'.....
Dandylife
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Yes! Well after the second call I jumped up and started brushing my teeth to get ready to go. Then I stopped myself and called my mom. I asked her to do me a favor-she said what defensively. I said please to make us out as the bad guys. She said she was surprised that I would think that. She said what do you want me to say? I told her THE TRUTH! That with the short notice my d could not change her plans and that I fell and hurt myself!
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But she knows I am put out with that couple. We have family gatherings like on Easter and they are no shows. They do not join us for dinner after church but if they do then they want others to pay-then when they know others are paying-they order apps. You call them they never answer OR return the call. When she had her baby her mom was in town but my aunt took a week off to watch the 2 Year old then wanted to take sick leave for that time.
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(((((((((Kelly))))))))))))
It sounds like quite a cast of characters, Kelly.You just need to try to keep your own counsel and your own sanity. Love Ami
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It is funny. My bro has resented our aunt and her family for years. I have always defended them until my aunt started working for us and she was so defensive and could not take any direction. She cried to my mom and had the my bookkeeper demoted. She got a huge raise that we could not afford. Her son whined to us to get rid of an employee that worked there 7 Years and then put his notice in after she left leaving us high and dry!
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The family dynamics are maddening!
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Yes, Kelly, I can see that your family dynamics could be "crazy-making", to say the least! Your only solution would be to be in your own "space "(emotionally),with your own sanity(IMO) . Love Ami
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Believe it or not I applied for a waitress job. It is an upscale place where I am sure I would make very good tips. I just cannot wrap my arms around working with these crazy women anymore.
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Dear Kelly,
I could see how you would feel 'cukoo",in the midst of your family. I am trying to live my life not enmeshed with others. It is really, really hard, Kelly. Love Ami
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Kel...
I LOVED being a waitress.
If I had a good back I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
It's like a gym membership, plus banter, plus nurturing, plus tips!
Hops
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Well I sent them an email and I have had no response. I think they may think I am too old. I worry about my back as well but I think part of my bad back has to do with the stress of working in a failing business with a woman who drives me crazy and her leachy sister!
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Thinking of you, Kelly. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way, Sweetie. Love Ami
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Good luck Kelly,
You need a break, a change, get away. Good for you on taking a step in the right direction.
Thinking of you. seasons
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Thank you. I was crying today because I am just so upset about the way my life is going. I yelled at my H yesterday! Really yelled! I just cannot take the sinking ship I am on.
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I am sorry everything is coming down on your head, Kelly. I know how that feels. I am trying to carve out a home, in myself. That is what I have been missing since I was a teen, my own home, inside me.
I am sending love and prayers! A Big Hug, Ami
(((((((((Kelly)))))))
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Kelly,
It's ok. Crying is a good thing. Your life is starting a new stage. You don't have to like what you have done in the past. It's really alright and when I was about 47 or 48 I started to think, I don't know if I like what I'm doing anymore, I need changes. You start to observe what you have done or not done at this point and I think you should go for whatever you want to go for. Try things you never even thought of. This is your time now Kell.
I tried crazy things and absolutely loved it. I was always an office worker and went into a bit of construction. I didn't care. What was the worst that could happen, I hate it, so what then I'd find something else. oh hell Kell I even let my hair grow to my waist. And went blonde.
It's time to do what you WANT. I know it's hard with all that is going on with M and extended family members but you have to really push yourself to say F* that. I'm changing and they have to too or I will move on without them. They are going to have to adjust to you. You do have the right to be happy Kell you do not need permission for that or be guilty of it.
I say you explore everything that could be a possibility of something you may or may not like. It's scary to do new things but fun as hell too.
And it is perfectly alright to say No to people. NO GUILT Kell. NO GUILT.
You do have the power, dig deep.
Love
Deb
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Kelly,
I forgot to tell you. When you start to explore things your crying is going to change into smiles and lots of laughter when you think about, oh no I did not do that, or oh I did do that. There really is sun, let it shine on you, go outside, explore. Leave that dark cloud where it belongs to NM and other family members. You have a choice to live in and where you want to. I know it's not the dark cloud for you.
I want to see you laugh.
Love
Deb
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Thank you all. Of course things are worse today because it is that time. You all like clock work can watch me go off the deep end every single month! But I am at the end of my rope. The business is sinking. My aunt is a leach. My H is a drunk. The frustration level has gotten to me. I want my mom to sell the business. I want her to drop kick her sister. I really wish those folks would call me and ask me for an interview. I am probably older than they are so them are weirded out by me.
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((((((((Kelly))))))))))) Love` Ami
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I will take that hug Am! I snapped yesterday. My H went out and bought two pairs of shoes and two pairs ofjeans and a pair of slacks and then jumped on me for running up the credit card. I screamed and even shoved him and cursed!
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Kelly, I can see how PMS gets you every month.
My key has always been to have a room with a lock on it ,from the time the children were little. I ,always, had a place that I could decompress in. I still need a place I can go where no one can get in and push me that next little bit when I may lose it.
Love Ami
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Ok mark your calendars-around May 10 I should be going on and on about the same things. You can see it cant you Am? I am being irrational arent I?
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I think the PMS could be "blinding" you. Depression does that to me and lately the depression is happening almost all of the time. It is such a struggle to see past the distractions/distortions/loss of perspective that depression/PMS generate. I am so tired of it myself.
I have had the pattern of PMS-generated depression or mood swings and it made me so mad each time I would wake up on the third or fourth day and find that the veil or whatever had lifted and I felt fine even though circumstances hadn't changed a bit. I felt like it invalidated how I had been feeling about real problems.
Now..... I wish that third or fourth day would come along. I wish I could say .... Damn, PMS did it to me! I could use some relief.
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Chirping ditto to Deb:
You do have the right to be happy Kell you do not need permission for that or be guilty of it.
I say you explore everything that could be a possibility of something you may or may not like. It's scary to do new things but fun as hell too.
I think when you explore and try and apply and consider alternatives (including, perhaps, to the big house) you FREE yourself of an internalized trap...that's not a real trap.
My dependency on my mother's house for shelter has come back to bite me, as now my brother may manage to set things up so I have to burn through the equity. The lawyer was just about to transfer it to me (perfectly legal and ethical) when my brother petitioned the court to take over, so all is stalled. And the long term resut may be that it's all gone before she is.
Life is too SHORT to be a prisoner. That said, I don't think you are your husband's or your mother's prisoner, Kel...you just might be your own prisoner.
You had a right to get the surgery. You have a right to work elsewhere. You even have a right to live elsewhere. (Does a cozy, HAPPY townhouse sound good?). And you have a right to stop having your entire life be a reaction to your mother, your husband, or anyone.
I suggest calling the restaurant and speaking to the manager, or better yet, going in again. Just to say: I just stopped by to let you know that I am extremely motivated to have this opportunity, and ask if there's any other information I could provide you to help you in your decision?
That has helped me, at times, win jobs I wasn't sure I could get. It just requires believing that it really is okay to ask for what you want--to help it happen. Whether you get this one or the next one, it's just GREAT that you're looking. Keep going, DO NOT GIVE UP!
Love,
Hops
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Yes I am over the top depressed during that time of the month. So one week out of the month I am a basket case. But I still hate my situation the other three weeks. I thought maybe I should go in too. But what about the bad back? I have to have hope!
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Hi OC
My menopauase was at age 58.... previously had a few problems, one requiring a D&C and that fixed the main one. I was never depressed about anything all my life, from 15-58, in this regard....once 15 and 'IT' arrived.
When I was about 19, I worked with a girl who was in such a state on her first day, that when she didn't show up for work, our Boss knew why and it was paid as 'sick leave'... it had been discussed and okayed. I was very interested in that 'not talked about acknowledgement'.
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That is what I am afraid of-10 more years of this! My mom thinks I should be able to mind over matter this. Well I got an email from the place and they want me to come in for an interview today! I think I may take a job two nights a week to see if I like it and then make my decision whether to leave.
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Mind over matter??? Depression is real, PMS is real and Narcissism is real. They can't be thought away any more than they can be thought into existence.
Glad to hear you got an interview already! Good luck!!
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(((((((((Kelly))))))))
Keep your zipper on the inside and try not to let their insanity contaminate you! Thinking of you.
towrite
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So I went to the interview and was old enough to be the owner and the manager of the place! Then earlier today I told my mom about my black cloud and my PMDD. She said something about my mood disorder. I said it is not a mood disorder it is a hormone imbalance. I feel that if I remove myself from her I will feel much better.
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The NM always wants the D(us) to be THE problem. I am, just ,really seeing this with my M. *I* always have to be one down. She manipulates me not to trust myself, have confidence or independent thought.
It really wreaks havoc with your self concept(lol). Love Ami
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Also this instability she sees in me gives her an excuse to not back off. She has dumped ALL the work on me but still will not leave. I do not even have a desk. My mom has an office with all everything! My space is constantly being taken over since I have a computer. I really think my anger puts me over the top. I think if I did not work with my mom and aunt my life would be so much more happy. I told the people at the restaurant that I could start part time and see if we are a good fit.
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I think the NM is ALWAYS undermining us.
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In a way I think she loves labeling me. That makes me even MORE angry! I am trapped! No one wants me! I am too old. If they do want me they want me for 55 Hours per week. My hours are perfect at my job but my psyche is damaged and my hormones are raging.
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Kelly
WAIT till your hormones stop ,before you make major decisions ,IMO. Love Ami
((((((Kelly))))))))
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Great advice but what do you think about this. I work somewhere else. I start PMSing but there is no mom making ludacris business decisions. Do I go off the deep end or is it a bump in the road?
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Dear Kelly,
In your case, as I have observed it,on the board, your thinking becomes "not right" when you have PMS. It is worse when you have the NM to deal with,but would be bad ,any place, I think.
You have to recognize the process and just go with it, a few days out of the month,IMO.
Your pattern is obvious ,on the board.
It is hard for us to see ourselves,but I can see that you almost go through a "temporary insanity" for a few days ,in the month.
Compost what does not fit, Kelly. I am sorry you have so many hormonal issues. I wish we could trade issues for a few months. You could lose weight and I could eat(lol) Love Ami
((((((((Kelly))))))
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So right! The cloud is starting to lift. I am out of my mind for a week.
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OC,
I bet you go"out of your mind" for that week because all the other pressures gang up on you. So, if you remove the pressure of working w/ your NM, will that alleviate it? But what if a new pressure takes the place of the working with NM pressure? Maybe look into stress management?
love,
ann
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That is the question. Someone once told me where ever you go there YOU are. But I seen to think I would function better without the N in my life. I told her today that I think she has npd-That is the first time I said it to her face.
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She thinks I have bipolar Disorder and I think it is pmdd-Either way the symptoms are similar. My mom went to a counselor and he suggested I was borderline. This is the same counselor who I emailed and told him my mom was npd. He did not hear me. I told my mom I did not respect him because he believed her and did not hear me. I will never go back to a person who believes what one person says before he hears both sides. I guess we all want to feel validated-but for him to listen to her!