Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on April 17, 2008, 05:12:51 PM
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My mom and I went to counseling. She went first and I emailed him my concerns. When I got there it was almost as if he was her mouthpiece. I could tell the counseling was going to be one sided so I chose to not return.
Yesterday my mom and I had a conversation. I admitted that I think I suffered from PMDD (a more severe form of PMS....) She told me when we had our last fight and I basicallly yelled at her and told her she needed to retire and let me run the business, she left and went to this counselor. She told him what she perceived as irrational behavior and he told her I might have Borderline Personality or be Bi Polar.
I am furious!! Not only is he not a psychiatrist. But he does not know me. He only knows what my mother told him!!
Now my mom will NEVER leave the business because how in her right mind could she allow someone with bipolar disorder to be in charge!!
I have been thinking about emailing the counselor or calling him. I feel he acted out of turn and I am FURIOUS!!
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I want to tell him that not only has she got the general population duped, but she duped him as well. I want to tell him that the only people in my mother's life who really know that she is the irrational one is the people who work with her day in and day out.
Also, my friends seem to think that if I didn't work with her, then my severe PMS would subside a bit because the source of my angst would not be there.....
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Does anyone else know if this is not the right thing for a counselor to do???
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Just want to say that I am sorry for your predicament. I have had several instances when counselors sided with my H b/c he was a professional in the community. I have been disillusioned with therapists,but I know there are good ones out there. Love Ami
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OC
Have you had a session with him? You ought to have a chance to have your say,otherwise he will always be on your Mom's side.
Am I right? Or did I miss something! Face to face. No email therapy!
...and go just as you, with no anger toward him for listening to an N.
Love Izzy
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Iz-Yes I did have a session with him. It was after he met with my mom. His first topic was WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CONTROL YOUR MOM. Then he said that if she is the owner why dont I just do what she says? When we bought the business it was mine. She put $ in the business during a cash flow crunch and translated it into stock and took over. I have never considered her in charge. Nor have I considered her smart enough to call the shots. She convinced him otherwise so I walked into a hostile
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tt-Thanks for the input. It is such a tangled web. I choose not to get a lawyer involved about the business. This business WILL fail after my mom uses her riches to pay for her lack of business acumen. After she started using the bipolar language I am more determined than ever to find another job. This is her latest ploy to keep me under her thumb while I do all the work and she takes all the credit. I hate her so much. It is frustrating because she can be so unstable and get away with it
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Overcomer, did you see this therapist recently?
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No, we went in the late summer I think. But she goes back and "tells" on me and then he suggests I am borderline. When she said that yesterday and then said, "oh, Kelly, you have got to do something about your mood disorder!" Saying in no uncertain terms that I am so unstable that she will have to stay around until I can get "well."
The thing that irks me is I am the one who has had my nose in psychology books for years. I google ever disease and pretty much can peg what people have (not diagnose but like to try to figure out why people act the way they do.) I diagnose myself. I know I am irrational during my time of the month and prior but I also knew it was not just PMS because it is this overwhelming negative energy coupled with severe cramps (almost like labor), moodiness, crabbiness, bitchiness.............so everything I read points to PMDD. And although PMDD and Bipolar have some of the same characteristics, the one thing they do not have in common is that PMDD is cyclical.....bipolar is not and I am VERY cyclical!!!
So, no, I have not seen this counselor since I could tell at our first joint session that he was siding with her and had not taken my email seriously. The reason I emailed him is because they told me that I could outline some things so we wouldn't waste the first hour going over my history. He could read over the email and get the gist of where I was coming from. But instead I walk in and he says, "why are you trying to control your mom?" And I was like, WHAT?? He thought since I did not approve of how she did things and resisted them that I was trying to control her into doing things my way. I told him that I just wanted her to do things the right way. But it was too late. She had painted me as a raving lunatic.
So I just googled stress and bipolar and it basically said that too much stress can trigger bipolar and now I am convinced that the added stress of being with her day in and day out has put me over the edge.
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Kel, can you find a skilled, expert psychiatrist and go ask them to evaluate you?
They do exist!
I think you need an expert in your own corner. This is so painful.
I am really sorry you're going through this. Labels are used like knives, when people are not qualified.
Even if you do have a disorder of some kind, you know well you can get better.
love to you,
Hops
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Thanks Hops. I know it is not bipolar-It is pmdd. I have an appointment with my doc who has always prescribed natural meds. I do not know if hysterectomy is an option but I could use a way to get over this disorder! I just need to get over this stress! Everything I google points that I cannot handle this constant chinese water torture working arrangement anymore! The longer I subject myself to her the fatter I will become and the sicker I will be.
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Dear Kelly,
I think you are normal and your M is an N and N's try to drive YOU crazy.
My M tried to make me the crazy one.
You have PMS problems and an NM. That is my gut feeling. Don't panic, Kelly.
You have an N for a M. That is your problem. You have 'issues" ,but not a serious disorder, in my opinion. Love Ami
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Thank you. I went to a couple of friends at work and asked them if they saw any signs of bipolar-They both laughed. I believe you Am-it is pms coupled with a crazy making n mom.
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(((((Dear Kelly)))))
First off, I am sorry you are having a tough time these days.
I suffer horribly from PMS. My doc tried me on low-dose Zoloft, and that helped. There was some initial weight loss, then stabilization of weight. I didn’t like the side-effects, so I stopped taking it. They do have some good treatments for PMS now some of which I think you can take just at that time of the month.
Regarding the dx: if I were in your shoes – I would be angry.
Was your mother paying the T (sorry to sound cynical, but the T may have been influenced by who was paying for the sessions).
I don’t see how a “real” dx can be made from an e-mail and one session. BPD is a serious disorder, to arbitrarily label someone with BPD after one session? To me, that smacks of extreme professional irresponsibility.
Kelly – your mom’s behavior - this is what Ns do. This is how N parents act. It is always your fault, you are always the one with the problem – of course it couldn’t be them :roll: or a mutual disconnect?
Crazy making, diversionary tactics at their finest.
Reasonable people will try and work things out with you. She isn’t trying to work things out, she is labeling you based on a cracker jack box diagnosis.
Armor on, mirror up – she is projecting on you – let it fly back to her. I think it might be a tactic to unbalance you so that she doesn’t have to let go of the control at work?
If you are unsure and want to make sure that the dx is not accurate (although I don't think you need to do this) – seek out an independent 3rd party who is expert in BPD (I might be tempted to do this just to set your Mother and the T straight.)
(((((Sending cyber hugs, a heating pad, some vitamin B, and a nice tall glass of wine [if not wine, some warm tea?]))))))
Peace
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I will take them all and I thank you for validating me. I KNOW THIS IS TRUE and yet she will go along with her smug stupid arrogance-labeling me and denying any wrong doing. I got a call out of via blue from a company today. I had applied weeks ago and I needed that today. I will return the call tomorrow!
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Dear Kelly,
Everyone who has known me has told me I was "normal",but my M had me convinced I was crazy. It must just be how N's work.
Sorry you have such a close involvement with your NM. It must be very, very hard. No wonder you are doubting yourself. Love Ami
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Kelly,
About your gyno issues, maybe go see a really good gynological endocrinologist. Maybe you have fibroids? I did and I had the fibroids treated using a laser, it really helped. Please do not get a hysterectomy, it can really screw up your hormones.
Kelly, what if you also saw a really good psychologist and go into therapy with the main objective of learning how to deal with your NM so that You won't allow her to drive you nuts? Notice that I said YOU won't ALLOW HER to screw you up, not that she screws you up. You said it yourself: wherever you go, there you are, so why not see a good therpist to help you come up with a strategy for handling your life? I think that when we are NOT NC with N relatives, we must get a strategy for dealing with them, so that we can prevent them from driving us crazy. It is our choice if we allow our family Ns to drive us crazy because now we are adults. Don't get me wrong, it's never easy to deal with our N relatives, but, it seems you feel tortured by your NM on almost a daily basis. I know you'd like the pain to stop.
Imagine if you could work with your NM every day and NOT allow her to get to you. It is possible to do this. I think one big issue for you is are you willing to give up the good hours and pay at your family store in exchange for not seeing & working with NM? This may mean less $, longer hours. On the other hand, what if you leave the store, take the waitress job and then find that the problems at that job also drive you crazy and you're making less $? What are you willing to give up? A good therapist can work w/you and help you figure out what is the best way for you to get peace of mid, which may lead to peace in your body (less PMS stuff).
Also, maybe the way you are approaching life makes it easy for Ns, like NM, N aunt and H, to push your buttons. A good therapist can help you learn how to not allow Ns to have easy access to your buttons so that Ns can easily push them. A good T can really teach you about boundaries, which will protect your buttons so that Ns won't have easy access to push them.
Sorry if I said anything out of line. I hope I don't sound like I'm dumping on you. I apologize if I sound that way, it's not my intent. I'm just thinking how you can re-position your life so that the emotional pain and physical pain could be reduced.
As far as dealing with my N relatives, I'm always putting up my boundaries to protect myself from them. It takes work, but it's worth it.
love,
ann
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Hi Kelly,
It is so hurtful when the one who should know how to comfort you the best attacks and betrays instead. I'm so sorry :(
I think you're wise to get the PPMD checked out. It shows that you are actively looking for solutions to the cyclical blowups.
Blessings and tender mercies on you...
tt
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Thank you all for the encouragement. It is what I need at this time in my life. I am on a sinking ship and I do not want to go under. I have been under before and I do not like that feeling. I do not need to live my life depressed.
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The other job is in a retail store in the mall. I will call and inquire. If I could get away from her I know my life would be better.
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((((((( Kelly ))))))))
I am sad to know that you remain entrapped in this awful web, please know that I am praying for release to pastures new.
Love, Leah
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Just this morning I realized that this is affecting me physically. I am in a constant state of arousal-this has my costisol levels through the roof which is making me fat and anxious and my whole body hurts. It is for my health that I need to do this-leave as soon as possible!
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editted - personal information
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Leah, do you have an URL for the pycnogenol you take?
thanks!
Hops
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Need that stuff. I know the fight or flight syndrome. That is what I have been living under for at least ten years.
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Dear Kelly,
I took my emotional pain out on my stomach. Our bodies can only take so much stress. The human was not built for continual stress. I think you are wise to face this, Sweetie. Love Ami
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editted - no response
editted - personal information.
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I have decided that no matter what I am leaving our business. My mom came up to me and asked me about the website and then asked me to call the web guy and I said No I do not think so. And then she asked me if I was overwhelmed and I told her we needed to talk. She left. No I am not overwhelmed! I am not going to allow you to make me suffer needlessly-I am taking back my life! You no longer can ask me to do anything for you! Figure it out!
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editted
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Precisely my plan. My mom lives in the delusional world that I am bipolar and in need of - I do not know what. Maybe she thinks she can swoop in and save me. The truth is that the only thing she could do to save me is to hand me the key, clean out her office and go away. Since that will NEVER happen I choose to walk away from my crazy making circumstances and start again. GS has been telling me to DO something for months. I forget after awhile how she makes me feel but I always hurt.
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It it the hurt in my back that is a constant reminder that I have to free myself from her. Now the bookkeeper will leave too and she and my aunt can go down with the ship. In 2005 we made a profit and it was the only year she backed off. I proved myself. Mom you reap what you sow. You are screwed because you have screwed so many others.
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I have a job interview next Wednesday. I applied awhile ago and just got a call yesterday. Exactly the day I needed it. I came home about to cry knowing I was trapped in a no win situation. I listened to the message and then called me today. It is a job which is half time in the store and half time calling on businesses. 't sounds like me. A hybrid job of things I have experience in-sales and retail. I will not feel jailed and can earn commission!
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That's great news Kel!!!!
You NEED to be out and about and get a chance to interact with other people.
Fingers and toes crossed for you.
love
Hops
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Thank you Hops! Yesterday was a revelation day. Is was not that I wanted to move on- I HAVE to move on. It was not that I was mad at mom it was that I was sick and the reason for it was working with my mom. I am going to tell her that I all of a sudden realized that my health was being compromised. My health depends upon not being with my mom day in and day out. Problem is without me she is screwed-without her I am great! She cannot do it without me but because of her stubbornness I win!
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So happy for you, Kelly. Love Ami
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Thanks Am-I am happy and scared!
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Sincerely, very best wishes with this new opportunity (((( Kelly ))))
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I am climbing out a little at a time. Before we worked together my mom had TOTAL control over me. Six years ago I alex up and set boundaries with my mom outside of work. I have been thrashing around for these last six years trying to shake my mom and her constant disapproval and scrutiny. I have made many attempts to leave-once I left and jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. This bipolar inference was the push I needed to force me to walk. My health is suffering.
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I am sorry, Kelly. I know how much emotional issues can effect the body---bleh. They really work, as one unit,for better or worse,
Love Ami
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I have been googling pain and stress. Does stress make P M S worse? Does stress trigger bipolar? Does stress cause heart problems-arthritis-weight gain-etc. The answer to all tore questions is yes. My mom walks into the business and my back starts to ache. All this time and all this frustration and I finally figure my health is jeopardized. That is all the rationale I need. Now how do I inform them that I am out of there but bide my time until I find that job?
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Hi Kelly,
Counselors are often wrong, particularly if they don't do complete evaluations of both parties--which includes a full personal history. Such a personal history involves sitting with each party alone for two full sessions and asking many questions about every aspect of their lives. I could not begin to assign responsibility for any current situation until I had this crucial information. I hope this helps.
Best,
Richard
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Thank you Dr G. I know my mom probably jumped on the word as a reason for my behavior. I was so compliant for so many years that I am sure she offer a reason for the change. I stayed home from work with a cold and just sent an email to her with a cc to my aunt. I told her I had to quit since I believe my health is suffering from the constant stress. We will see what happens. Thanks for responding. I knew what he said was out of line-I would NEVER recommend him.
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Well my mom emailed me and told me it was borderline NOT bipolar. So I googled that and I can see how she may think that is what I have-a lot of what they outlined seemed to fit me. But I do not know how she can admit the childhood neglect or the incest they suggest triggers it. I told her it is so like her to not take responsibility for ANY of it. The therapist could not diagnose her as she presented herself as perfect. I could have gone in first and presented myself as perfect.
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Dear Lollie
I hope you would reconsider leaving the board.I would miss you and I value your voice, greatly. Whatever happens on the board will happen outside our door(IMO) I need to learn how to deal with life, using my voice. We, voiceless people, have an incredible gift from Dr G.I want to take the opportunity to learn what I could not as a child b/c I had to protect my M, not the other way around.
I hope you will give it some more thought,Lollie. Love Ami
PS Sorry for the hijack, Kelly
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Thanks Lollie! I know I should not try to diagnose but I am trying to figure out why I am over the top. My pms Is so bad that I assume it is pmdd. I am doing lab work tomorrow and going to the doc in early May. Well my mom and her biased t made me decide withon ANY reservation that it is time to move on for real and never look back! My aunt told me my mom is paralyzed. I told her to tell my mom she better get back in there to TRY to run it because I am GONE! I know she can't.
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Bean: Everything you said is exactly as I see it. She probably ran to the t to get him to validate her feelings towards me by giving her some "diagnosis." She has been known to railroad people into inpatient counseling so she has a hand in "fixing" them. If I do not watch out I will be posting after a month long stay at some psych ward!!!
But I do the same thing. I am constantly trying to find someone - ANYONE - to validate me and my negative feelings towards my mom. That is why it is so reassuring when our bookkeeper says "you are the only sane one around here." THERE - somebody said it - it is NOT me - it is her. So she runs to the t and says to herself, "you see? I am not doing anything wrong here - my d has borderline personality disorder so she is sick and I cannot possibly hand over the reigns to her....."
But this time it backfired. Her lack of taking responsibility is finally coming back to bite her. Not only will I leave but the bookkeeper said even without a job to go to, she is gone too. And then a couple of our people will leave and we have lost several to the store that is being opened by a man my mom let go. He has been plotting his revenge for 8 years. This is all happening simultaneously.
I will not be vindictive. She will reap what she has sown. NOw she is stuck. I hope she sells so my aunt will have to fend for herself!!
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Do you know my mother Bean? The bookkeeper IS the enemy. She and I managed the store in 05 and the business made a profit for the first time. Then we hired my aunt and the b k was "mean" to aunt and my mom demoted the b k. If I leave bookkeeper leaves and mom is stuck!