Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Izzy_*now* on April 25, 2008, 02:04:18 AM
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'Pay It Forward'
So I'm getting good at these sobbing sessions, March 30 to April 23-- not even a month.
Anyone seen that movie?
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Iz,
One of my very favorites. What the world needs now is Pay It Forward!
Who would have ever thought we'd be celebrating tears. I'm happy for you!
tt
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Very good movie! Glad the well has not run dry.
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Dear Izzy,
Great movie... and a wonderful way to live! Are you feeling refreshed after the tears? I hope so.
With love,
Carolyn
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Ahhhh, Izz.
Yes I saw it and yes I cried.
"pay it forward" is a part of my emotional vocabulary, as a matter of habit, since seeing the movie.
I've always thought about life that way..... believed in it.
I just didn't know it had a name.
So glad to hear the tears are flowing.....
remember not to hold your breath or do any of the things we normally do to stop.
You have years and years of crying to catch up on.
(((Izzy)))
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Thanks you for posting tt, OC and CH
No the well isn't dry and I wondered about that after an hour over dogs, and felt cleansed and refreshed
and lighter
I did try to make myself stop, after 15 minutes, almost did but started up again, so I just went with the flow.
No need to mention every episode of sobbing, but at least I know it wasn't a one time event and I slept like a baby, again, with no bad dreams.
Thanks all
Izzy
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Iz,
I cried my heart out at that movie too. Then ending, oh the ending, cry, cry,cry.
Love
Deb
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I'm glad you didn't stifle them, Izz.
Question.
Could you remember how it felt to cry, with full abandon, as a child.....?
Lighter
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I am thankful, Izzy
that you have posted about this movie, as I had not heard of it, and would very much like to watch it.
Tearjerkers have always been a pleasure for me! I know, sounds strange, but, I have always wept and needed a box of kleenex at my side. I have been teased numerous times, especially, when in the cinema and sobbing my heart out! Lol
So glad to know that you have had the pleasure of tears, refreshing, I believe.
Love, Leah
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Me too, Izz. I loved it.
The sincerity of a child is so overlooked in this world.
xxoo, passing tissues...
Hops
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BTW last week, Madame X with Lana Turner was on tv during the afternoon, and I thought of you, Izzy,
because you had mentioned this movie.
However, alas, I only spotted the movie .... the following day! So no recording of the movie. :(
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Hey lighter
The first time I remember crying with abandon, I was 19-20 years old, away from home and my roommate away for the weekend. I was alone, lonely, feeling unloved and I could cry with no one hearing me.
I never cried that way, that I remember , BEFORE that age. (left home at 17)
That raises some questions I expect.
Love
Izzy
Leah
I hope you enjoy your cry when you see the movie.
ADD IN] so sorry you missed Madame X
hops
The boy reminded me of my grandson, the colouring and the way his emotions showed on his face, but he is only 3 in this pic.
My little grandson, now 21
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::Gulp::
I'm afraid to hear the reason why you never cried during a heartbreaking childhood, such as yours.
Izzy..... was it bc there was no safe place to cry?
Or....
were you too busy surviving to give yourself that release?
Some other reason.... do ya think?
You saw the quesitons coming, I know: /
Lighter
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hi lighter,
I have no idea why I never had a big cry when I was little, bigger, then bigger, then finally 19.
I suspect there is much still uncovered, but I can live, at my age, with what I now have and that is more and more respect for me from my daughter, after her spending so long with an N, then remembering everything I have done to keep us on track.
The second only time I went to my mother with a question, was, "Where did I come from?"
She was working at the klitchen counter, at the second farm so I would be 8 or over
She said, "Oh we found you in a ditch someplace and brought you home!"
I never went to her about the 'ganging up" I have no idea what I thought. I just hurt inside and felt left out and away from everyone.
Oh Geesh!
Love
Izzy
The first only time I asked her something, I posted before, about asking her, when I was about 4, where she was going. She was washing up to go someplace and said "I am going crazy!"
I didn;t know what crazy was, and never asked. I determined it was her crawling into the chicken coop in the back garden.
(I find this very important about parents not explaining, telling lies, ......) She went away and came home with my baby brother.
??????????????????????
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I think children are as intelligent as adults.... just not in posession of mature communication tools.
I'm sorry your feelings and questions were dismissed.
I can only try to put myself in your mother's shoes.....
and forgive her for being overwhelmed.....
not getting her own needs met.....
and unable to do better, for whatever reasons.
She just couldn't.... or she would have.
I know this..... I've seen pictures of you and I want to hold that child and nurture you the way you deserved.
You deserved so much better......
and gave your own daughter so much more.
Lighter
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Iz,
When I decided that I would drink some cough medicine while my sister was calling to my mom to come watch the Beetles on the Ed Sullivan Show. I loved this cough medicne taste and was told and re told DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH and it was always put out of the way. Mom ran to see the beetles and I took the opportunity to (neatly) pour some out on wax paper and try to eat it with a fork. Mom noticed I was missing and caught me red handed, SCREAMED, scared the hell out of me and called the doctors. Then we went through the speech how I should not touch medicine's and they could kill me if too much and bla, bla.
Now later we go to a place that was set up like an old time town. They had a place that looked like an old time drug store, something like little house on the Prairie with barrels filled withl little seperate packages with about oh, 5 or 6 red pills in each one for free. My mom grabbed a handfull and put them in her pocket book.
Later on I would see her digging in her bag and eating packages at the same time. I was horrified and thought OH she could DIE.
I went running with her pocket book straight to the bathroom and dumped them all down the toilet as I was hysterical.
She asked me what was wrong and I said, YOUR EATING TOO MANY PILLS.
They were candy, red hots, and I did not know. I thought it was pills.
How was I supposed to know.
Love
Deb
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Aww, Deb.
You thought your mom was having a poison party: (
Poor thing.
Lighter
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Light,
I really did. That is why I would never bring in things like the Flinstone Vitamins or anything that looked like candy to my home for my children. Now I understand they have ones that look like gummy bears.
I know, first hand, how confusing it can be at that age.
Love
Deb
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Must be careful careful careful with vitamins and children.
I agree, Deb.
Lighter
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It's maddening when one loses a post? :?
I did and it had to do with not blaming my mom and previous generations because that was then and them. It can be hiurtful, can be severely damaging, but not one second of the past can be changed.
Perhaps I was not meant to send the post I prepared and it was lost for a reason (other than my pic being too large.)
My grandson at more of an age, like Trevor in the movie-- and before his father N-isized him..... as still with his mother.
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Lots to sort through Izzy.....
tell me,
when you think of your mother now.... what comes to mind?
You don't have to answer if you don't want to.
You know that.
When you think of your grandson.... what hits you first?
Lighter
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hi
when I think of my mother I think of her (picture her) at a family get together, sitting in her w'chair, alone, and looking at me, in mine, as though.....what? Face emotionless, as usual, so...............?
When I think of my grandson--younger? older?
Younger, just the most pleasant little boy who loved me to death.
Grown? as when he came out on his motorcycle ----very capable of many things and leaning toward N tendencies--a little too full of self. but not a hateful young man
He is one to be proud of, on one hand, and one to wonder about , on the other. Daughter days she doen't 'know' him anymore.
His N-father has the influence and KC thinks of his dad as his hero! That kills me!
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But KC's still very young...and he had that amazing terrible experience of being lost at sea and his uncle dying in his arms...one day, KC will recognize his own manhood and realize he has experiences and qualities that are his own, and not need his Nfather's approval.
One day, he'll be just as smart as his grandmother, and find out (oh painfully) who his father is. But it will set him free.
(He has your beautiful eyes, doesn't he?)
Hops
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Thanks Hops,
Just as long as he doesn't allow that one incident to define his whole life!
Latest is that he joining the forces and going to Afghanistan---
oh my
Does he have a death wish?
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Oh I hope not.
I hope you'll email with him a lot...tell him your stories.
It will mean so much to him while he's over there, if he does have the email access some soldiers do.
If not, you can write him letters...he may get a bunch at once...but what a gift to have from your grandmother.
I believe you'd become a whole new person to him.
xo
Hops
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Izzy.... I agree with Hops.
Your Grandson will one day see his father more clearly.
When mean people are mean to everyone else.....
but you.....
eventually they'll be mean to you, too.
Just a matter of time.
Staying in touch with him......
allowing him to come to his own ideas about his father......
will strengthen your relationship with him.
You'll always hold the place of beloved Grandmother in his littl child's heart.... no matter how old he gets.
Receiving letters of support from you will be a great comfort to him when he's far away from home, don't you think?
::sending prayers for him::
Please thank him for his service and we'll all hope he comes home soon, unharmed.
Lighter
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Iz, he looks alot like my son...
and I'm so sorry he's going to join the fray over there.
You know, I think that most young people of that age group are quite N'istic... but that's a far cry from full-blown NPD.
Something else, too... in order to feel like a real man, I think that boys go through a stage where they practically HAVE to idealize their dads, or else they have no identity of their own. (Same for girls, too, to a certain extent.) This'll pass, as he forges more of an identity of his own.
Praying for his safety.
Love,
Carolyn
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It's so interesting, Hops, your suggestion of emailing KC, as I had that thought in mind as I listened to the interview on the radio -him, his mother, his father, all spliced as one report.
I felt then that I had some things I wanted to share with him, about us, maybe about my life, my broken leg whatever. I'll know when I get started.
He will be 22 On Oct 3.
and lighter, I answered some questions of yours. Did you have any enlightened ideas?
Thank you, and Carolyn
xx
Izzy
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Sorry Izz....
I read your thoughts on your mother and.....
it really struck a nerve for me.
I pictured my own father..... sitting in his wheelchair.... staring at me without expression.
Reminded me of a dream I used to have.
Very sad and confusing.
I was a bit lost in thoughts about my relationship with him.... didn't want to revisit it for a little while.
I'll think about it soon and get back to you.
As for your Grandson.... that strikes a nerve too. Loving a Grandchild like your own.... then having to be parted.
More unfair loss and heartbreak for you....
who've already suffered so much.
How strong must you be.....
is all I could think of.
Lighter
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Lighter,
How strong must you be.....
is all I could can think of.
Hops