Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: teartracks on April 28, 2008, 01:50:01 AM
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Hi everyone,
A couple of teasers with links followed by an article from Psychology Today.
By Mark Grzeskowiak
What to Do?
So how does one deal with a know-it-all? Being aware of what actually drives a know-it-all makes it a little easier to forgive their eccentricities. The response, "I guess so," is usually an effective way of taking the wind out of a know-it-all's sail, because it's neither an affirmation of what they have to say, nor a rebuke. "I have work to do!" is another way of ending the conversation. If those don't work, you might also try giving them tickets to Jeopardy, or offer to act as a character reference whenever they get around to joining MENSA.
But the best response to a know-it-all is to let them talk. Eventually everyone else will figure out what's going on, roll their eyes, and make for the proverbial hills.
http://www.medhunters.com/articles/problemCoworkerKnowItAll.html
Dealing with know-it-alls - even if you are one yourself. (Coping with Difficult People, part 2)
* Birds of a feather. Who has the most trouble coping with know-it-alls? You guessed it: other know-it-alls. I have noticed that even we occasional know-it-alls experience substantial distress when we encounter others. One way to deal with this phenomenon is to follow the law of interpersonal communication called matching energy. It makes sense that one expert would feel compelled to compete with another. Each obtains an opportunity to enrich the other's experience and knowledge.
http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-9011272.html
You Say You Know It All
Duping ourselves into overclaiming. How people overstate their knowledge, through an unconscious process of familiarity.
By: Kaja Perina
We've all met these people: They've seen everything before but get it all wrong nonetheless. So why do people overstate their knowledge? It's not necessarily a calculated effort to impress others. Some people may just think that everything they encounter is familiar to them, even if it's entirely fabricated.
Canadian researchers asked 211 students to rate their knowledge of cultural referents such as The Lusitaniaor Pygmalion, as well as non-existent items such as "El Puente" or "1966 Glass Animal." Students with narcissistic character traits (as determined by an earlier personality test) were more likely to express familiarity with all items, including the fake ones. Subjects then viewed the same items and new ones, and indicated their certainty about what they'd already seen. Subjects given more time to reflect on the items were just as likely to falsely claim familiarity with them, leading Del Paulhus, Ph.D., to conclude that overclaiming is an unconscious process.
Paulhus, a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, believes that such behavior results from personality traits such as narcissism as well as a memory bias.
"People who overclaim are likely not aware of their behavior," Paulhus states in a paper presented at the American Psychological Association annual meeting. "Perhaps [the behavior] becomes more habitual over time and thus becomes a default reaction in relevant situations."
Psychology Today, Jan/Feb 2003
tt
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Hmmmmmm.
Interesting read, tt.
::note to self::
Make coffee and reflect a bit on that message.
It's raining cats and dogs here..... just love the rain.
Lighter
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LOL... thanks for this, tt.
Yes, I know a couple of these birds.... and I'd just note that those with a memory bias are discernable in that - once confronted with their clear lack of knowledge - they'll usually admit that they were mistaken.
Those who are narcissistically organized, on the other hand, will insist (ad nauseum!) that they had a fragment of info first... and likely they are self-declared experts on the topic even if they've got only the scantiest and most superficial depth of familiarity with it. Frustrating behavior indeed, if dwelt upon... but, with practice, easy enough to sidestep or avoid completely. Doesn't take long before everyone within earshot can clearly see that such an individual is more interested in tooting her own horn than in sharing knowledge.
Carolyn
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My father was a know-it-all, and it was very annoying growing up. It seems like no matter what I did, I was doing it wrong and there was always a better way. I think one of my favorite stories is when my father told my mother she was cooking beans all wrong. If she would just boil the can of beans in a pot of water she could avoid dirtying a pan that would later have to be cleaned. This was one of the rare opportunities where my fathers knowledge failed for everyone to see. The boiling can of beans exploded and part of our kitchen was covered in ranch style beans. He always knew better than us.
My ex girlfriend was a know it all in a much scarier and unstable kind of way. She often claimed to have knowledge and experience that she just didn't have. She was a bright girl and a quick learner, but sadly nobody could teach her anything new because she would become so irate if somebody suggested she wasn't already an expert on a topic. I love science and psychology, but I could never enjoy a conversation with her about it because she'd be so defensive trying to hide her lack of knowledge on things. She'd even make up facts and references, "My college teacher told me this..." It would have probably taken me for a spin if her lies weren't so obvious. If anything, it taught me not to let my own pride prevent from knowing that there are things I can learn from other people.
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I so identify with what you have shared, Darren
Likewise, I just love learning from people, I do truly love people, more so now than ever before, as I now have that all important, vital, strong sense of authenic self, with all important boundaries.
Life long learning from resources, and more so, from people, in every aspect and genre of life, is my personal passion, and why not? I am free.
There was so much that I was naive about, and so much to learn, and still, more to learn, along the way, in my lfe's pathway.
A zest for life, and learning, is wonderfully uplifting, and quite joyful, deep down inside, I feel.
Love, Leah
Oh and I meant to say that "Put Downs" are so unhealthy to receive, and truly, I have received them all my life, from mother especially, and now, I choose to simply..... "put them away"
The teaching example of "Walking Away from the Table" from dear Lollie, here on this board - has remained firmly fixed in my heart.
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LOL TT,
My mother always talks about how she is a genius and should join MENSA.
I pretty much do what you described. I give a lackluster "uh huh" at every know it all fact.
Love, Beth
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My father was a know-it-all, and it was very annoying growing up. It seems like no matter what I did, I was doing it wrong and there was always a better way. I think one of my favorite stories is when my father told my mother she was cooking beans all wrong. If she would just boil the can of beans in a pot of water she could avoid dirtying a pan that would later have to be cleaned. This was one of the rare opportunities where my fathers knowledge failed for everyone to see. The boiling can of beans exploded and part of our kitchen was covered in ranch style beans. He always knew better than us.
I recall how my father managed to permanently damage a television, by claiming that he knew just as much as the television engineer.
Your father's "boiling the can of beans" episode must have been quite a fright - and just thinking of how upset (after the shock) I would feel, with such debris all around the kitchen, and can't help but wonder, did your father help clean up the mess?
Leah x
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Darren,
My mother would do things like this (but not quite as visible - darn). Once I told her how to leave the city and she would not do it just because I said we should. So we drove around forever trying to find an exit. I swear, if I say to do anything, she will do the opposite - just like a cantankerous child. So I never make any suggestions. I let her decide everything. Often she dizzies herself like the tazmanian devil, because she has no one to argue with but herself.
Love, Beth
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But the best response to a know-it-all is to let them talk. Eventually everyone else will figure out what's going on, roll their eyes, and make for the proverbial hills.
This is good.
Lise
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I know a 'know-it-all' but he doesn't know it all.
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My father was a know-it-all, and it was very annoying growing up. It seems like no matter what I did, I was doing it wrong and there was always a better way. I think one of my favorite stories is when my father told my mother she was cooking beans all wrong. If she would just boil the can of beans in a pot of water she could avoid dirtying a pan that would later have to be cleaned. This was one of the rare opportunities where my fathers knowledge failed for everyone to see. The boiling can of beans exploded and part of our kitchen was covered in ranch style beans. He always knew better than us.
I recall how my father managed to permanently damage a television, by claiming that he knew just as much as the television engineer.
Your father's "boiling the can of beans" episode must have been quite a fright - and just thinking of how upset (after the shock) I would feel, with such debris all around the kitchen, and can't help but wonder, did your father help clean up the mess?
Leah x
Yes, my father did clean up his own mess. It wasn't a traumatic event though, my mother and I found it very humorous and it was one of the rare times we could laugh at my father's behavior. I suppose it could have been dangerous, but we didn't see it that way at the time.
It was more of an opportunity to get even for all the mistakes we made that he was certain to point out.
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Darren,
My mother would do things like this (but not quite as visible - darn). Once I told her how to leave the city and she would not do it just because I said we should. So we drove around forever trying to find an exit. I swear, if I say to do anything, she will do the opposite - just like a cantankerous child. So I never make any suggestions. I let her decide everything. Often she dizzies herself like the tazmanian devil, because she has no one to argue with but herself.
Love, Beth
That sounds exactly like my ex girlfriend... exactly. She was just plain defiant. It actually came in useful in the end. When we broke up she threatened to take the cats away, and make it as difficult as possible for me to get possession of them. So I acted as though I didn't want them and thought she should be the one to take care of them. Getting my cats couldn't have been easier. But yeah, I know that feeling... she just made everything difficult on purpose.
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Yes, my father did clean up his own mess. It wasn't a traumatic event though, my mother and I found it very humorous and it was one of the rare times we could laugh at my father's behavior. I suppose it could have been dangerous, but we didn't see it that way at the time.
It was more of an opportunity to get even for all the mistakes we made that he was certain to point out.
Sounds like it set off a release value - hence, much laughter! - a brilliant outcome.
I get the "getting even" feeling.
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Yes, my father did clean up his own mess. It wasn't a traumatic event though, my mother and I found it very humorous and it was one of the rare times we could laugh at my father's behavior. I suppose it could have been dangerous, but we didn't see it that way at the time.
It was more of an opportunity to get even for all the mistakes we made that he was certain to point out.
Sounds like it set off a release value - hence, much laughter! - a brilliant outcome.
I get the "getting even" feeling.
Yes, it was brilliant and very ironic. Did I forget to mention, the pot used to cook the beans did indeed remain clean? Getting even isn't the noblest thing, but you gotta cherish those moments.
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I've thought about this topic a lot, since my father is a classic know it all. There are only two categories of knowledge for him: things he is an expert on, and things that aren't worth knowing. As soon as he figures out he doesn't understand something, he'll quickly dismiss the whole field (and others who actually understand the topic) as irrelevant or useless.
He makes things up just so he can prove himself "right" in any situation. And his position shifts back and forth so he can always be in opposition to others he is conversing with. He's addicted to reading, yet doesn't really develop any expertise on any particular topic. He reads an introductory summary, and assumes he understands the whole topic.
I've come to the conclusion his weak grasp on "self" is based almost entirely on knowledge and opposition. He is what he thinks he knows. And he props up his fragile ego by opposing others and proving his unique understanding. Unfortunately it's sort of a doomed project, since he isn't willing to really develop any expertise. I suspect he continually ends up feeling "stupid" and then has to prop himself up some more.
Now that I understand the process, I just keep my distance. No sense even attempting to have a reciprocal conversation.
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What I realized, upon reflection and recollection, was, is, that my Mother, quite clearly, has only ever chosen to have continual connection and communication with those of whom are deemed as "of lessor knowledge" to that of which she may possess.
Amazing, I can remember those of whom she had treated quite cruelly actually. Always, "Put Downs" and other traits of, what I now understand more fully as "Passive-Aggressive" behaviour.
Hi Leah. It sure seems familiar to me. I wonder if in order to stay in necessary continued relationship with the parents, we learn to make ourselves into the "lesser beings" they need?
It seems they are caught in a never ending N-ish trap. They need to have other lesser beings around them. At the same time they have to abuse those others in order to feel whole. So it's a constant push-pull process. No wonder being around them feels like a hellish emotional roller coaster.
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We've all met these people: They've seen everything before but get it all wrong nonetheless. So why do people overstate their knowledge? It's not necessarily a calculated effort to impress others. Some people may just think that everything they encounter is familiar to them, even if it's entirely fabricated.
"People who overclaim are likely not aware of their behavior," Paulhus states in a paper presented at the American Psychological Association annual meeting. "Perhaps [the behavior] becomes more habitual over time and thus becomes a default reaction in relevant situations."
This was interesting tt.
I can think of a couple of people in my life that fit the description of a "know it all" -- yes, they annoyed me...perhaps that was when I was going through my faze of know it all because that was precisely when I was the least self-ware.
Today I had to think hard for a person in my life that annoys me with know it all behavior and I realized that that person is super cool and I really like them despite that they think that they really do know it all....I think that is a testament to my growth :P
But looking back I can see that the not cool person in my life, who had a know it all attitude, was really the least self-aware and full of self-deception person that I could think of. She was an defense attorney and full of her self. She interupted constantly with one-ups and slight put-downs == toxic.
But eventually, as I have grown healthier by facing myself I grew away from her. Learning to never amputate people from my life, unless P or N, I learned that I could have friendly contact from a far with emails and birthday and Christmas cards.
Lise
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Learning to never amputate people from my life, unless P or N, I learned that I could have friendly contact from a far with emails and birthday and Christmas cards.
Lise
Friendly contact from afar.... I like that!!
Till recently, I had no clue that it was possible to simply maintain a healthy distance from some folks without totally cutting them out of my life. That perspective has faded along with so much of the other black and white thinking to which I was accustomed for many years (wonder where I learned that! :P)
Seems so strange now to have ever looked at the world that way... like it alll happened in another dimension - - the twilight zone, indeed. I am so glad that's over!!
Thanks, Lise :) and tt :)
Love,
Carolyn
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What I realized, upon reflection and recollection, was, is, that my Mother, quite clearly, has only ever chosen to have continual connection and communication with those of whom are deemed as "of lessor knowledge" to that of which she may possess.
Amazing, I can remember those of whom she had treated quite cruelly actually. Always, "Put Downs" and other traits of, what I now understand more fully as "Passive-Aggressive" behaviour.
Hi Leah. It sure seems familiar to me. I wonder if in order to stay in necessary continued relationship with the parents, we learn to make ourselves into the "lesser beings" they need?
It seems they are caught in a never ending N-ish trap. They need to have other lesser beings around them. At the same time they have to abuse those others in order to feel whole. So it's a constant push-pull process. No wonder being around them feels like a hellish emotional roller coaster.
Hi SilverLining,
Thank you - I so resonate with all that you have kindly shared.
I wonder if in order to stay in necessary continued relationship with the parents, we learn to make ourselves into the "lesser beings" they need?
YES! I feel validated - with regard to this experience in my life, with my parents. Simply because, "lesser beings" was indeed, what one had to be, to co-exist, survive, with my parents. They clearly despised intelligence - they denied their children, not just myself, and held them back.
My brother and I, have just recently engaged in a discussion, with regard to our parents behaviour(s), and we can run down the 'tick list' of Passive-Aggressive behaviour - with a startling realization of a 'perfect match.' Amazingly, my brother has been working through a similar 'life healing' journey of discovery, as myself.
It seems they are caught in a never ending N-ish trap. They need to have other lesser beings around them. At the same time they have to abuse those others in order to feel whole. So it's a constant push-pull process. No wonder being around them feels like a hellish emotional roller coaster.
What you say is profoundly astute, and sadly, so true. Constant push-pull process - explains it perfectly. Truly, it did, does, feel like a mind bogglingly hellish emotional roller coaster.
Today, I am reminded of this excerpt:
.... They are in the business of being kind to those to whom one can feel superior. Which explains why the Ns (and FOO) took us up when we were ill, or in a vulnerable state. Their kindness depends on the other remaining in an inferior position.
They stop 'loving' and being 'kind' - being 'nice' to us -- as soon as one becomes stronger - because they never loved, they only used our weaker position to make them feel strong.
Today, I remember the truth. Certainly, Mother was nice, whenever one of her children, or someone she knew, was in a 'pickle' or a low place.
Grateful thanks to you, just knowing that someone understands the experience, is so validating.
Love, Leah
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Wow, that is so true. My mother loves it when I am sick especially. Then she is backed with her nurse's education and can really give some help. I wonder why she can't do this in other areas of her life. I don't even tell her when I am sick anymore, because it annoys me that this is the only time she shows any concern, and I know it is because she wants to expound upon what she knows.
Love, Beth
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Today, I am reminded of this excerpt:
.... They are in the business of being kind to those to whom one can feel superior. Which explains why the Ns (and FOO) took us up when we were ill, or in a vulnerable state. Their kindness depends on the other remaining in an inferior position.
They stop 'loving' and being 'kind' - being 'nice' to us -- as soon as one becomes stronger - because they never loved, they only used our weaker position to make them feel strong.
Today, I remember the truth. Certainly, Mother was nice, whenever one of her children, or someone she knew, was in a 'pickle' or a low place.
Love, Leah
That sure gives me some new understanding. My mother and father were nice and supportive when I or one of my siblings was sick or otherwise down. But that was the only time they seemed to pay much attention. The rest of the time they were mostly indifferent and self absorbed. My sister has had a series of ongoing illnesses and physical problems doctors can't diagnose for the past 25 years. Now I wonder if she was conditioned into this as the only way to get some positive attention. There is no validation from my parents for real achievement or health.
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But eventually, as I have grown healthier by facing myself I grew away from her. Learning to never amputate people from my life, unless P or N, I learned that I could have friendly contact from a far with emails and birthday and Christmas cards.
I think it's a good philosophy. We just have to define for ourselves the kind of relationship we want. I've found some of the more toxic people amputate themselves out of my life if they don't get the level of attention they want. And that's just fine. If I make a drama or an ordeal out of it that's my own doing, and my own responsibility.
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I think it's a good philosophy. We just have to define for ourselves the kind of relationship we want. I've found some of the more toxic people amputate themselves out of my life if they don't get the level of attention they want. And that's just fine. If I make a drama or an ordeal out of it that's my own doing, and my own responsibility.
I've found some of the more toxic people amputate themselves out of my life if they don't get the level of attention they want. And that's just fine.
Personally, that is my experience also, and certainly was most beneficial in the eventual outcome of going No Contact with certain FOO members.
Leah x