Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on May 03, 2008, 08:53:23 AM
-
I have so many things to be happy about-I am going to be a grandma-My new business is picking up-my house just got sided and painted-the pool will be open in a week. But I am sinking. I am exhausted. I am not PMS right now. I am on the verge of tears. I watched my H get drunk yet again last night-I did not get that other job. They do not even want me as a waitress at the new restaurant. I am overweight and am probably the only lap band patient that it has not worked on. I am sinking!
-
Even Trina said to me that she could tell I felt trapped. She just knew it. I am going to my doc who prescribes alternative ways to get better-natural hormone replacement etc. But she also has a prophetic gift-last time I was there she told me my destiny was starting so unfold. I had hope but that was a year and a half ago. I want a reason to get up in the morning. I want to respect my H but I do not. He has me walking on egg shells sometimes. I am just not happy! I felt this way once.
-
(((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))
Arms around you, spongey shoulders ready, ears here.
I am so sorry you're blue and no wonder.
You must be profoundly exhausted.
So much stress and striving and a drunken husband and autistic child and rejection from a job hunt.
Honey, the hunt is like that...please hear this:
Being rejected during job hunts is NORMAL.
It is not because you are you.
It is because you are not the right fit for that job, and vice versa.
Don't give up.
Love yourself.
Eat some of Ami's miracle stuff every morning. (www.herbdoc.com, superfood plus)
And pick up that newspaper and look for your next interview.
Consider each and every one simply PRACTICE for the one that clicks both ways.
Many hugs,
Hops
-
Thanks Hops. Plus we have a new computer system at work and tensions are running high and have been all week! What I need is to get off the freight train and slow down. I need to be a stay at home mom and that will happen with my now business. Problem is after being at a high stress job all day I have no energy to keep going. My health is bad. I just want a breakthrough so I can remove the major stressor and that is working with my mom!
-
Plus I just realized something-my dad is dying. He told me yesterday that he wished the Lord would just take him home.
-
((((((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))) I am so sorry about all this.
What in the world is going on with your dad? If he has given up on life and told you that, I can sure see how that feeling can be very contagious.
Can you talk with him or with your pastor about his situation ?
Love,
Carolyn
-
My dad had his first heart thing at my age. Now he is 74 and he cannot walk across the room without shooting nitro codes his tongue. He is in bad shape. Everyone loves him!
-
Kelly,
Dear one, I'm so sorry there is no one in 3 - D to help you with all the burdens weighing you down. In as much as is possible, I want to help you carry your burdens. From where I am right now, the one thing I know I can do is pray. Sounds like you and Dad need each other right now. Tell us more about him and anything you care to tell us about your relationship with him.
tt
-
Dear Kelly,
I am so sorry to hear of all your pain you are going through, reaching out with a big hug of love.
I'm tired for you, I hope you can take care of your health, body and soul. Your return will be so much, rest, clear mind and strength to deal with all you have on your plate right now.
I'm sorry to hear of you fathers illness, I will pray for you both. seasons
-
Overcomer,
Does anyone ever give you some Kelly time? Where you are the focus of attention completely? Exchange massages with your hubby or take a bubble bath. You can squeeze out 30 min. of Kelly time per day, you can. You need to. Or you will burn out. Please start doing it today. Meet with a nutritionist to determine your food choices that are keeping you from meeting your goals. Sometimes what we eat can affect the way we feel, as well. If you can't do that, then keep a food diary for 5 days, and determine where you're diverting from your goals.
If none of this helps, do see your doctor and tell him/her what you are feeling. Work together to determine a solution for you. You are worth it.
(((Overcomer)))
Dandylife
-
Oh Kelly xxxxxxx
That is so much to bear... I know what that sinking feeling is like, but you know what, you know it is happening so that is a bonus.. Just try and give yourself some time and space to do something to take care of yourself.. It's hard in that place to give yourself care but so vital.. and keep talking to friends so you know you are not alone especialy here where people understand
Spy xxxxxxxxx
-
Crying. Trying to hold it all together. My d and her h are moving into their condo today so I just went to buy them toilet paper and mustard and all that kinda stuff.
-
(((((((((((Kelly))))))))))) Love Ami
-
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Although you think that you have not accomplished what you set out to do, I think you have. It's just loose ends needing to be tied all together and sometimes one moves slower then the other or all of them move slooowww but you really did do it.
lets see:
Lap Band, Done, check, just need more time, work in progress.
New Job, Done, check, although not hired yet, neither was I, but you will be. Work in progress
Raised a beautiful D and happily married with baby on the way and GMa in the waiting. Everything anyone hopes for, Done, Check, beautiful grand child work in progress.
Business out of home so you can be a stay at home mom, work in progress, Done Check
House siding, painting, pool being opened, done, Check
So Kell what is next on your list that you need to do and start. You already started the others (did, done) and waiting for the results. Sometimes they flow in slow then one right after the other but they do come.
Look at everything I wrote. I'd say thats a lot. Give yourself some credit here. And no sinking. If your tired then your tired nothing wrong with that. And if you want to cry then cry.
Do you think you do not deserve to feel for yourself. Go ahead. You...... are....... tired and that is alright.
You want Hope, Kell, your looking at it, it's you hon. Your solving your own problems from your own hope and faith, See it, I see it.
You are Hope Kelly, don't be silly, look at the list and that was from your mouth, your actions and you did do all those things just very slow on results. Same happens with me. You can't rush time it will come when it comes.
Don't shut down Kell. Rest and shutting down are two different things and it is perfectly fine to take a rest. You have done quite a bit. Rest time.
Well, Kell, I don't know what to say but just everything you have DONE makes me tired just to read it. It is not you Kelly it's timing and that you cannot control. Don't beat yourself up over nothing you have control over. You set out what you needed to do wanted to do, so yes, you have done it. Time can be long and feel cruel but there is a reason and it's annoying and frustrating but not of your control. It will come, in it's time, don't give up. You are hope.
You write it every time you write on here.
I have faith and hope in you Kell. If your tired and disappointed at times then I will write what you forget to think about and it is your words and your actions that came out of your mouth to remind you of what you do/did/done. That is nothing to get depressed about. I am proud of you Kell. You have taken on so much and you have not failed, just time, being cruel and slow.
And I swear there are reasons why it is so slow sometimes..
Although I thought I was running out of time and it was so slow (felt cruel) there was a reason, even though I had sunk into depression and thought nothing was going right and would get worse and maybe too late and no matter what I did or where I went it never seemed to resolve itself and I felt stuck and lost hope and didn't even want to get out of bed.
This was with my S Kell and you know what the timing (the cruelty of it) was meant to be. It actually was supposed to be that way although I felt different at the time (of time going by) and it really needed to be because if the timing was not just right and where it was supposed to be and long and drawn out (feeling cruel and never ending) I think that jumping and rushing time could have killed my son. So time is important let it come to you and it will when it's meant to be.. It can be right away or awhile.
So don't put so much of yourself on time. It will come.
Enjoy yourself with your Dad now Kelly. Talk about anything, everything or just sit there. And take care of yourself too.
Thinking of you.
Love
Deb
-
I feel depressed just reading your post Kelly. I'm sorry you are feeling down. I just love the twist Debkor puts on it. It helps so much to shift the perspective. Here on this one thread you have support and empathy for where you are and then you have encouragement to find a shift to lift you back up. A complete package - I hope it is your size. Love to you,
Gaining Strength
-
Dear Kelly
`I have just gotten in touch with deep pain and feel so much better, I think that is the way to go, in healing. I was having stomach problems b/c I felt like I had to lose myself in order to get love from people. I am amazed at how I was replaying childhood trauma , again and again.
I am going to find a therapist who will let me heal repressed memories ,in the unconscious. That is where my next level of healing will come. I pass this along for your consideration. Love Ami
(((((((((((Kelly)))))))
-
(((Kelly))) You've gotten such good insightful advice here, I can't add anything except that you are doing so much and you are such a loving mom (getting essentials for the kids condo!) and you must be also so stressed about your dad. You are a love and there are a million things going on at once in your life. How about some slow down time? And the lap band is a work in progress - I work with someone who had it and her daughter too and their lives are totally changed - but it took time.
-
Wow thanks all-especially Deb! I realized after reading these threads that I HAVE been through a whole lot of stress-you know that stress test where you get points for what you have gone through and the higher the points the more stress you are feeling? Death. Move. Surgery. Loss of a job. D married and then pregnant. Another surgery. A new business. Change at work. Ill health! Etc. I think I have hit the wall. Everything has accumulated and I agree I need TIME-SPACE-QUIET! thanks!
-
My dad looks like Santa. He wears Nebraska attire every single day of his life. He loves sports and will talk sports with anyone who will listen. He is the line of guy who talks to people on elevators. My mom emasculated him long ago making financial decisions without his knowledge and says it is her money since she made it-not a thought that he supported HER while she was in college and making her fortune-now suddenly it is HERS? everyone loves my dad! My mom should have spent more time!
-
(((Kelly)))
You're a good mama..... I'm sure your daughter'll appreciate the toilet paper and condiments more than you know.
As for feeling trapped with your job, husband..... mother.....
you are trapped.
You have good reason to feel sad and you know what speaking truthfully, to either of them, will get you.
Your father's failing health is is hitting you really hard, bc you're human and a loving child.
Dealing with that normal stress, while emotionally and physically exhausted from your mother and husband..... just makes it more difficult.
(((Kelly))) Cry really hard, if you can... maybe in the shower. Sink into the sadness and loss then spend some time thinking about what you need to do and say with your father before he passes.
Do you need to write a letter? Is there someplace you want to take him.... back to the house you grew up in? To the sea?
Do you need to tell him something that's been hard to say, til now?
Don't lose that opportunity bc you're being sabotaged by M and H.... disengage from those negative emotions, the best you can.
You're a good person, with more stress on her than most.
Deal with your father, then turn to your mother and husband.
You have choices.
lighter
-
Thinking of you, Kelly. You are a decent, kind ,loving person. Your M is the one with the problems she has tried to "throw" on you.
Our "job",now , is to throw off that heavy burden .
It is hard to let go of old messages, which SEEM so true, so not able to be questioned.They are deep in our cells . My stomach carries the pain my M put on me.
Your weight issue, I bet, is a reaction to your M's burdens on you.
I am making progress with my stomach. We need to find the essential "us" with it's own integrity and beauty, not marred by our NM's. I am so sorry to hear about your F, Kelly. Love Ami
((((((((Kelly)))
-
As I am thinking about it my mom is losing her power over me. As you all have pointed out I am overwhelmed by stress right now. My mom is the scapegoat for me. Not that she is not a crazy making woman-she is! My hopes are that she goes for my new business and she will be less and less present at the store. I need to take a time out VERY soon! Even if it is a couple days to lay down and read books and do Nothing! I would like to go to a hotel and VEG! My dad has a family reunion in June.
-
And it is my parents 50th Wedding anniversary plus my d will have her baby. He needs to live for these things. He wanted to go to Hawaii for their 50th but for some reason my mom just would not or did not make those arrangements. I cannot for the life of me figure out why she did not do it-unless she is losing it enough that it was too overwhelming to heh!
-
More hugs ((((((((Kelly))))))) ... just caught up with reading here and - well, Deb's post is so awesome and true! I agree!!
My prayer for you is that you'll continue to remember all that you've accomplished so far by God's grace and not give in to the negative thinking patterns.
And I'll be holding your Dad in prayer, too... that he'll get a restoration and renewal - - a new spark of life - - and great encouragement in the Lord for the road ahead.
Love,
Carolyn
-
Thank you all for giving me perspective-it has REALLY helped. Where I thought I was sliding down that slippery slope you all caught me and showed me that I could stop myself with a bubble bath and some much needed down time-now just to find that time. My mom is going to go on the business trip that I was going to go on. I am going to try to give myself a break this week.
-
(((((( Kelly )))))))
Please know that you are in my prayers, and also, your whole family.
Take gentle care of you,
Love Leah
-
Thinking of you, ((((((((((Kelly)))))))))) Love Ami
-
WELCOME TO KELLY WEEK!!
This week is for stopping, an hour twice a day, morning (even if you get up earlier) and evening, to:
honor yourself and love yourself and be affectionate and compassionate to yourself.
If you need to cry, let 'er rip...you'll feel better afterward
If you need to sleep, unplug ALL the phones, hang a DO NOT DISTURB, EXHAUSTED WOMAN SLEEPING sign on your door and curl up with a comforting book and drift off under your coziest light blanket
If you need to eat, eat slowly, peacefully (there will always be more you can have next time)
Delegate: anything that you don't absolutely have to do yourself, leave a note: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES, THIS IS MY WEEK OF REST. Kitchen, laundry, etc. Your autistic daughter can understand too. So can your hubby. Don't offer them a choice.
No makeup. Just Kelly the way she was born, peaceful and content in her own skin. Napping, listening to birds.
Stuff like that...can you? Make up your own. Whatever you KNOW is "being good to yoursefl".
Deb's post was so wise and kind. Just amazingly wonderful, and an honor to read.
love
Hops
-
(((((((((Kelly)))))))) That's a lot to bear for anyone.
love, towrite
-
Death. Two surgeries. A move. The loss of a job. Working with my mom. A hormonal autistic 13 year old. D married. D pregnant. H lost job. Dad's health. MY health.
So today all it took was ONE conversation with my mom to put more anxiety in my life. She told me SHE felt kicked to the curb. This is the first time my mom has ever played the martyr. Maybe that is because she lost her control over me and the way to try to get it back is to play the guilt card.
I told her I just could not leave my d home alone all summer with the new pool. Her response was Can't you get a babysitter? No, mom I am just not going to come in. We are going to pay me if I work at home and am a responsible parent!!
One conversation. Just one. Enough to set me back a couple of days!!
-
Went to the doc today. She put me on cymbalta and some other drugs like a sugar lowering drug and progesterone. She thinks the cym will help with pain and depression. Any comments on these?
-
But today I went home with nausea and diahrea (sp?) Does anyone know if that is a side effect of Cymbalta?
-
I don't know, Kelly
have a look at the leaflet inside the box/packet (standard practice - there ought to be one inside)
which will have a section headed up "side effects" with a listing of any known side effects.
I am sorry to know that you are feeling so unwell right now and hope your current upset stomach clears up quickly.
(((((( Kelly ))))))
Love, leah
-
I googled it and the side effects showed nausea and dizziness. I had both. I guess I am happy to go home with a mental health day-my d is home sick so on running around. Might just take a map we were talking about.
-
Sorry you are not feeling well, Kelly! Love Ami
((((((Kelly)))))))
-
No do not get me wrong-I am happy to take a nap and I AM HAPPY about maybe these drugs helping me!