Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tigerlily on August 16, 2004, 12:06:23 PM
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This is something that has been bothering me for a long time. After I finally realized my mother was an N, a lot of things became clearer to me, such as her jealousy of anyone who took some else's attention away from her. I realize now that she drove a wedge in between my father and me so that we couldn't have a normal relationship. She always said she wanted him and me to be close, but she always tried to put me in a bad light with him. He must have unconsciously realized what she did (not just with me, but anyone else who might be in his life) so he tried to keep a low profile to keep from riling her up by removing himself emotionally to keep the peace. When she wasn't around he relaxed and we had a nice, easy going time of it and enjoyed each other, but when she would return to the scene it was amazing how the wall went up. Growing up in this kind of atmosphere I got pretty paranoid about her because I knew I could never trust her motivations. So now, looking back, I don't know if I have overreacted to the way she handled my dad's death, or if she really did another number on my head.
Several years ago, after I was married and living 1000 miles away from them, my dad got up at 4 am to go the the bathroom and collapsed in the house from a ruptured abdominal aneurism. She called 911, they resuscitated him in the ambulance and he actually made it to the hospital. He was awake enough to hear the doctor tell him and my mother that he was going to have to go into surgery, but that he probably had only a 10% chance of making it through. His last words to my mother was "It doesn't look too good." He went through many hours of surgery, made it through, but lived only until 6 pm that night. My mother had 13 hours to call me and tell me what was going on. She didn't call me until an hour before he died. I would have had enough time to fly there and be there with him during his last hours. But she didn't. It seemed to me to be a big slap in the face because it was like I was not important enough to be told about something so significant in our family. When I confronted her about it, her response was "I didn't want to worry you." I think that excuse is b--- s---.
I should have been given the decision about how I was going to deal with that information. I feel she robbed me of something so dear, and I cannot ever forgive that. But I am so used to her stuff over the years that I feel like I can't sanely judge whether I am being paranoid about her reaction, or if I am reading this whole episode right. Does anyone have a view on this?
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My view: you're reading it right. She prevented you from making a last visit to your father out of jealousy.
{{{ tigerlily }}}
bunny
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my view. Your mother is a monster and did in fact cheat you out of something very very important. It was not her right, she way way overstepped. It is disgusting, vile and unforgiveable. She sounds like my mother, a human pig. How dare they use and abuse and spread such wickedness. Their vampire needs to suck us dry make them appear not to have a soul, I don't know, it's scarey to think about. I don't care what anyone says, to treat their own flesh and blood child in such a manner places them beyond redemption. Wash your hands of the old bag, she is dirt.
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What makes me so mad is that she tried to make it seem like she was trying to protect me.
She always made it look like she was the good soul and I was the ungrateful daughter. I guess I must have bought into it because I always question myself and doubt my reactions to things. I am having a hard time breaking that behavior. I remember her always telling me I shouldn't get angry, that she would never have to get angry but I "took advantage of her good nature" and forced her to be, that I "imagined" something she did because she "would never do that", etc. As an adult I would allow people to walk all over me because I didn't think I had a right to my feelings or I wasn't sure what I should be feeling. I am learning gradually to trust my own instincts, but it sure is difficult sometimes.
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Hi Moonflower
No, I can't sever all ties with her because am the only child and she is now in a nursing home near me. I had her living with me for two years because I wanted to do what was right in taking care of her in her old age, but she just about drove me nuts during that time. The two years brought back all the crap that I thought I had come to terms with, but obviously didn't. When she got frail enough physically to need full time care I put her into a nursing home. I have limited myself to go there once a week to make sure things are going smoothly. She still has all her mental faculties so she still tries to manipulate, but she is so good at it that to others she appears to be this sweet little old lady. I should say to others in the family- the people at the nursing home are now on to her. I mentioned in a previous note that they call her "Queen Victoria" because she is so demanding.
I am trying to sort out all this crazy behavior I had to grow up with and to get it to make some sense as to why I am the way I am so that I can react to things in a better way, but it is going to take some time. I am so grateful that I found out the information on narcissism because it made me feel so much better. And this board is great because the feedback really helps.
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Hi tigerlily.
NOT an overreaction.
No, I can't sever all ties with her because am the only child
I am my mother's only child too and I used to think that I couldn't sever all ties with her. But, yes, I can. I can sever SOME of the ties...ie, the ties that she bound me up with when I was a child/adolescent/young woman that made me responsible for her *weird needs,* the ties that made me defensive and fearful as a little child around her and everyone else in the family; not knowing who I could trust, wanting to love but not being loved. That family was not a safe place for me as I learned early on and retreated into fantasyland. I have accepted the reality surrounding the childhood events and I am *cutting the ties* that connected us there (and kept me stuck) and focusing on my own recovery. Once I do this, I'll be able to handle her crapola alot better in the here and now. I doubt it will ever be easy but - nursing home or not, living with me when she is old and frail or not - she is not entitled (nor was she ever entitled) to any more of my emotions or my energy in catering to her *weird needs.*
What makes me so mad is that she tried to make it seem like she was trying to protect me.
Oh yes...that bulls*it. I heard that line and absorbed it for a long time. Children *need* to trust and that is not a weird need. :cry: The program runs like this: Gee, I thought, if they are so nice and trying to protect me then I must be the crazy one. I see now that they were just manipulating me to get their need of supply. This is not paranoia on my part - as ACON's well know - but if I ever tried to discuss this *theory* with Non-ACON's they never got it so I'm really picky about who I discuss all this stuff with now.
She always made it look like she was the good soul and I was the ungrateful daughter.
As you probably know, that was her way of maintaing her false self at your expense. Were you called "ungrateful?" I was, time and time again. It damages our self-esteem, self-confidence and feelings of worthiness. No wonder my best friend wrote in my year book at the age of 14, "I wish I could give you confidence but I can't and I trust you'll get it one way or another." Well, I am getting it now. I am going for what I want and need. Hell, giving myself permission to want and need. :)
I guess I must have bought into it because I always question myself and doubt my reactions to things. I am having a hard time breaking that behavior. I remember her always telling me I shouldn't get angry, that she would never have to get angry but I "took advantage of her good nature" and forced her to be, that I "imagined" something she did because she "would never do that", etc.
I have alot of pent-up anger that has come out over the years in self-destructive behaviour. It never got me anywhere except further enmeshed in my family's sick need for me to be the one with the problem. It didn't matter how far away from them I moved. Anytime I was happy, they seemed threatened and the old childhood program said that I needed to sabotage what made me happy to get their attention. NO MORE!! Breaking the pattern of my behaviour is an on-going process but one thing that has helped is that I am listening to to my soul's desires now and not coming up with fear-based excuses on why I should not pursue my own self-expression in healthy ways. And, I am learning that by overcoming the fear of being angry I can channel the anger appropriately.
As an adult I would allow people to walk all over me because I didn't think I had a right to my feelings or I wasn't sure what I should be feeling. I am learning gradually to trust my own instincts, but it sure is difficult sometimes.
I'm with ya, tigerlily, and I've had similar experiences. It truly is a process of re-awakening and recovery. And may the board be with you. :D Imagine I am giving you a big hug now.
((((tigerlily))))
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Tiger Lily
These are good replies to your post. I am so sorry your mother treated you this way. I definitely believe what she did was intended to manipulate you and deny you that last time with your father. Further, she probably wanted to be the lonely wife who nobody supported for the hospital staff to see.
I must say however that you need to correct the nursing home staff. It is not fair to the memory of the real Queen Victoria to allow them to misuse her name that way! :D
Max
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Max, you really gave me a good laugh with that Queen Victoria line. So true!
Dawning, yes- my Nmother always said I was ungrateful, and, even better, her best line was "You're spoiled, but I didn't spoil you- You spoiled yourself." That's a good one. How does a child go about spoiling herself? No matter what, she made sure she was never at fault. She would chase me around the house and corner me with a leather belt (at least once a week), beat the hell out of me (letting the strap fall where it may, with resulting welts I had to hide when I went to school), and then tell me afterward that I made her do that. The awful thing was that I was a decent kid- I never gave her a hard time, although she always saw normal childhood activity that might show some independence or thinking for oneself as giving her a hard time. My dad had had a younger sister who had brain damage as a youngster from a high fever. She had to be institutionalized for most of her life. Anytime I would show anger or emotion my mother would say "Do we have to lock you up like they did with your aunt? Or she would threaten to tell my father how "bad" I was and then he wouldn't love me anymore. I loved my dad and couldn't bear to have him think badly of me, so I never told him what she did when he was at work. Which was the ONLY time she would do these things to me. One thing for sure- it made me determined to make sure my kids were treated with respect when I had them. And they turned out to be the greatest people. That is the one thing I am very proud of.
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Sorry- the previous post (guest) was mine- I forgot to log in.
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Tigerlily,
Wow! I had forgotten my Nparents telling me I had spoiled myself. You're right - how can a child spoil themselves, and if they could, how could one raised by Ns?
Nmom also beat with a belt and switch. She would tell me to go out in the backyard and rip a switch off the tree for my beating. Of course, being the little child I was, I brought in the smallest limb I could reach and find. It would infuriate her so much that she would grab the belt, beat with it on her way outside to rip off a bigger switch, pulling me with her and yelling all the time she's ripping off the new switch, then beat me with switches in both hands, yelling at me that "see they both can hurt". Then I was dared to cry, if I cried, I got it again and again until I stopped crying - imagine that, a child getting switched all over forcing themself to stop crying thru the pain so the beating would stop. Nparents refute any of that happened. But I vividly remember as though it was yesterday. And the punishment was probably for something like eating a piece of candy she had hidden for herself, but I ate it and lied about it. I couldn't tell the truth; if I did, I wouldn't be here today!
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Boy, they sure are monsters -- anyone who wants to jump on the bandwagon and expose them, come on !! :!: I don't remember the NQueen beating me with anything except her tongue with her lies and smear compaigns and efforts to embarrass her little girl. I do, however, remember one time while my dad was whipping me with a belt that I looked at her and she was laughing, not smiling or smirking, but outright laughing. What a pig. :x I can still hear her whispering to my dad, telling him lies about something or other that I had or had not done, and how he looked at me while he listened to her, and how ashamed I felt, but I didn't know why. My mouth would go dry and my little heart would hammer and I would think, "Oh, I'm in so much trouble!" But, then I would try to figure out what I had done and I couldn't understand. :?: Many nights I lay awake wondering why I was such a disappointment to her -- those nights continued for 40 years till the brick fell on my head and the lights came on. :idea: All my friends' parents liked me and treated me so nice, then I would go home and hear about what a rotten person I was. Aye, carumba ! :roll:
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Your experiences break my heart. I am married to an N. She has been fully exposed I can relate to your stories. For many years she would get me to do her punishing. It took me too long to catch on to what was really going on. When I started to refuse to let her manipulate me like that she raged and attacked me (emotionally and verbally - she only struck me twice). I am trying to get the marriage ended now. Have apologized to my adult kids. I continue to learn about the abuse she dished out to them. It hurts to know it was happening right under my nose. I thought she was just abusing me. duh :oops:
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That last post was from Max. I had logged in - not sure why it didn't show.
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Hi Tigerlilly,
I think your mom was incredibly mean and heartless to not inform you right away about your dad's condition.
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Hi Max,
Your daughters are incredibly blessed to have a dad that believes them. I think you said before that you have two daughters.
I wish I was so blessed.
Psalm 27
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That last post was from me. -- guess it's the logout gremlin :wink:
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bye
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Wow! When I first posted on this subject I had no idea that I would hear from so many who have had similar experiences and feelings so close to mine. While I am so sorry you had to live through those things too I no longer feel so isolated in thinking I was the only one who had gone through this stuff. For so many years I would never talk about these things because, first, I guess I wasn't even aware that a lot of it was bothering me so much (being used to burying my feelings because I wasn't "entitled" to them), and second, I always thought I had brought it on myself because I had been conditioned to think so by my Nmother. It was lonely being brought up as an only child, but it was even lonelier not having anyone to talk to about my feelings and put things in perspective.
Someone mentioned remembering the look of rage on their mother's face during beatings and screaming bouts. That really stands out in my mind too. I look at my little six year old granddaughter now and see that sweet little face and wonder how the hell anyone could hurt a little child. How could my mother say she loved me and then beat the hell out of me? I was that little, and yet she was able to do that and not have any regret. Unbelievable.
I remember at my dad's funeral my mother was unbelievably poised. She acted like she was hostessing a party. She was greeting everyone and having sparkling conversations - I guess she was enjoying all the attention she was getting. I was amazed at the time how she kept it all together, but that was before I realized she was a narcissistic personality and fed on situations like that.
The more I look back now the more everything she did makes sense because it all fits in with the traits a narcissistic person. It's a lot to assimilate.
Now that I am no longer willing to continue this crap of feeding into her sickness I am realizing how much I have continually put myself last by trying to take care of everyone else's needs before mine. I almost don't know how to start taking care of myself because it is always in the back of my head that I am not important enough to do that. I feel like a shell of a person because I was so conditioned to think that way that I don't even know if there is a person in me to take care of. I never developed that part of myself. How does one even start? It's like trying to go back to a child development phase that a parent should have helped me go through, but, now I have to do it all by myself and I am floundering. Does any of that make sense?
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Oh my God, I am SO embarrassed! One of you said that it is possible to cut oneself off from the Nparent, but when they pull other people into it when they can't get to you, it is very difficult. My mother just called me and told me she wants to ask a cousin of mine ( that she is not all that close to) to give her three thousand dollars so she can get a new hearing aid. She said that he has a lot of money, so why not? This is after I told her she didn't need another set. She already has one set and I bought her another set not too long ago. She doesn't like the new ones because of the way the adjustment button turns, or something. I told her to have the employees at the home to help her put them on in the morning, but she doesn't want anyone touching them. She does this with everything I provide for her. I bought her a total of five pairs of shoes recently, and she won't wear any of them because she finds something wrong with every one. When I refused to get any more she tried to get someone there to go out on their own time to buy for her. And she makes it look like I am not providing for her and that I have no time for her to do these things.
I just sat down and e mailed all the relatives to let them be aware that her judgment is bad now so if she makes a request of them they should run it by me. At least I am nipping this in the bud without having to confront her directly and give her that satisfaction of knowing she embarrassed me. Damnation!!!
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At least I am nipping this in the bud without having to confront her directly and give her that satisfaction of knowing she embarrassed me. Damnation!!!
Tigerlily,
First, good idea to notify the relatives about your mother's poor judgment. Second, how did your mother embarrass you? I'm not seeing how you look bad here.
bunny
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It's like trying to go back to a child development phase that a parent should have helped me go through, but, now I have to do it all by myself and I am floundering. Does any of that make sense?
It not only makes sense, you have hit the nail on the head. :idea: But you don't have to do it by yourself. Do you have a therapist? You deserve that kind of support with your mother draining you so much.
bunny
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It embarrasses me because I have to write such an email in the first place. I know a couple of them will understand, but some of the others who only know her sweet little old lady side (and who have heard her very subtley trash me over the years) may think I am putting HER in a bad light.
As for therapy, I really can't afford it right now. I am determined to work through this though.
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bye
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It embarrasses me because I have to write such an email in the first place. I know a couple of them will understand, but some of the others who only know her sweet little old lady side (and who have heard her very subtly trash me over the years) may think I am putting HER in a bad light.
I see. Well, whoever thinks you're putting her in a bad light is stupid. Obviously you're just being practical. They should feel sorry for YOU having to deal with a difficult, possibly demented old woman.
bunny
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Hi Bunny,
Have to agree with you. However, I can add my mother's story to tigerlily's. My mother took care of her Nstep-mother for years without a thank you or any kind of appreciation. just request after request. This involved numerous trips to doctors 45 minutes away on a weekly basis, grocery and laundry errands, dinners at our house. She was a pill.
The Stupid People: My mother spilled her guts to the pastor who replied that Stepmom told him numerous times how won-der-ful my mom was to do all this for her (to look good to Pastor). Never a word to my mother. My mother said, she doesn't say it to me. Then after she died, Stepmom's best friend had the gall to call my mother up and dress her down for treating her so shabbily! "What's wrong with you? Why were you so mean to her?" My mother, who never argues, finally found her voice. "There were TWO people, the public X and the private X. I knew BOTH! So mind your own business!!"
Wow. I was so proud of her when I heard that story. But it really hurt her to know that here she was bending over backward and not getting anything in return except the ol' character assassination. I hate that. It was pretty awful. Fortunately Stepmom's sister was around to validate my mother's perceptions. So the bottom line is, some adult children do the noble thing and get dumped on in front of family members, as is Tigerlily.
What do these weirdos really want? Not peace, not love. Drama.
Seeker
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I am an 'only'child as well, and am nearly at the end of my rope dealing with my senior Nmother and all her manipulations. I have just discovered this chat group, and this is my first chat experience, so please bear with me. Like many of you, I have never really been free to tell The Truth. This is a huge leap, just to put this in writing.
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Bunny, thank you for asking that question. You're absolutely right- why the hell should I be feeling embarrassed? I didn't do anything- she did. There I go again, trying to be responsible for her. Old habits die hard. As a matter of fact, I have already gotten two responses from my cousins telling me not to feel embarrased because they know exactly what I am dealing with.
I am going to think about that a lot more and see just how much I tend to do that. I am starting to see more and more how my mother spent her whole life trying to get others to take responsibility for things she did. It's sickening. She would make excuses about stuff she didn't do or know because "no one ever taught her to do that." I remember that if someone WOULD atempt to explain something to her she would then say she couldn't remember all that or she didn't understand it and then brush it off. If she made a mistake she would say it was because someone else made her do it. If she had an argument with my father she would say it was my fault in some way. Her bad moods were my fault. Her losing her temper was my fault (or my dad's). I feel so bad about the way she made such a negative environment for him too- he was a loving, generous person but she was so critical of him that he gradually shut down over all those years until he was pretty depressed at the end.
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Seeker wrote
"There were TWO people, the public X and the private X. I knew BOTH! So mind your own business!!"
Great line- will remember to use on the next person that tells me the N is so wonderful and what's the matter with me.
Tigerlily -
My N MIL is doing the same thing to my father-in-law. I think I was supposed to be next.
Max
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I have a first name that is actually two put together, like Mary Jane or Betty Lou, which I've always hated. I decided yesterday that I was going to drop the first one and start going by the second because it feels better suited to me. I remember when my Nmother used to scream at me for something she would say my name in such a condescending way that I really got to hate it. Using my second name only makes me feel like I chose it for myself, it eliminates those old negative memories about it, and it makes me feel I am starting over and owning myself instead of just being an accessory to her life. I have let all my friends and relatives know and they all like it. This has made me feel really good.
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Hi TigerLily,
What a fabulous idea to give the New You a New Name! That is Brilliant.
I have been thinking of doing the same thing, because my name has several variations, and some I like, and some I don't - needless to say, the ones that nmomsy uses, I hate - for I become her child again, subconsiously, I suppose. (She loves to tell me that I am her 'child' and that there is no stronger love on this earth than a mother's love for her child - yeah right - does that love include all the abuse? No wonder I have a hard time trusting. I digress.)
So, to give ourselves a new name helps to mark another boundary, saying that This Is Who We Are, From This Day Forward! And don't mess with us!
I'm heading out with a list of things to do, and will be thinking of your Hugely positive idea, and might do the same.
Once again, I am so grateful to have found this chat site, for I no longer feel so 'all alone', and that in itself is so very healing.
Thank you, 'Lily' :-)
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Yes, you're so right- it really feels so liberating and like beginning anew! I have felt so free the past day since I thought of doing this. I'm not even going to tell her I did this because I have no wish to share the new me, plus she will have some comment about it which I will always remember. She is now in a nursing home and has no part of my life, other than my weekly visits to her, so it really feels like I can leave some things behind and start looking toward the future in a different way. It really makes a difference when one can leave the crap behind in the cobwebs where it belongs.
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Hi all
I was thinking and reading about all the issues on this board today, and something occurred to me. I always have felt so bad about the fact that my Nmother used to try to drive a wedge between my father and me by her badmouthing me and putting me in a bad light with him. I always worried that he may have bought into all that garbage. But then I realized her bashing wasn't just limited to me. She did the exact same thing - badmouthing him to me. Even at a young age I recognized it for what it was- a mean spirited and jealous woman trying to make him look bad in my eyes-. BUT IT NEVER WORKED! I was able to see for myself that he was a decent person who never would wish me any ill will. The big realization came to me today that he probably never bought into her crap about me either. So, as she was unsuccessful in ruining my good feelings about him, she was probably just as unsuccessful in hurting his good feelings about me. This gives me a great deal of comfort. Does this make sense to those of you that may have had the same situation? If it does, I hope it gives you the same comfort.
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Tigerlily
I had the same experience that you just related - except that I am the father and I have two daughters. When I filed for divorce, I didn't realize that they felt they had been badly treated. I thought I was the one she focused on. When my daughters and I compared notes, we realized we had all been had. It really was there to see all along - we just were so blinded by her careful manipulation.
Any chance your father will wake up?
Max
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Hi Max
Sorry it took me so long to reply, but my home computer is broken, so I have to wait until I can get to work to use this computer. My father died some time ago. So I am just left with "what ifs".
Over the weekend my mother called me many times telling me I needed to drop everything and come immediately to the nursing home because her pajama elastic was too tight around her waist and she couldn't breathe. I told her I was babysitting my two grandchildren and couldn't come until the next day, and she said "well, take them home." Like I would take them to an empty house and dump them there. They are six and eight years old. Why the hell did she think I was babysitting them- no one was there. But that didn't seem to matter. Then she started calling and saying I had to bring her some ice cream because "her throat was closing up and she couldn't swallow." I told her again I couldn't come until tomorrow. She said "Well, what are daughters for?" I was very proud of the fact that I kept my cool and stuck to my guns. The next day I went up there and found her sitting just as sweet as you please, watching television, breathing just fine, wearing a different pair of pj's that she had had all the time, and talking like everything was just fine. I am learning to not respond to all the guilt producing behavior. It takes a lot of energy sometimes, but it is so much better this way.
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Tigerlily
Sorry that you weren't able to resolve things with your father before he passed away. The demands your mother made on you these last few days are really amazingly blunt. Your patience and tolerance is beyond comprehension at this point.
I'm sure it's more difficult to block an N-parent out of ones life compared to a spouse that one can divorce.
If I hadn't started to stand up for myself and seen the reality of how ugly my Nw could really be, I would never have woken up. I was a perfect victim and N supplier - she just eventually overplayed her hand. I think I could have gone on for many more years had she just been a little more selective in her abuse. (I've been married 28) If your father had realized what she was doing to you, and he was at all like me, he would have done something about it. He just couldn't see it because he was a victim himself.
Hugs
Max
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Hi Max
You're right. He worked long hours so he didn't see all the crap going on at home. And the whippings she gave me (averaged 1 - 2 x a week) never would happen if he was home. She would take all her frustrations out on me. I remember one time when I was 15 years old I was allowed to spend a week at a cousin's house in a bigger city about 300 miles away. My cousin was a wonderful, charming, very charismatic man and he and his wife had a daughter my age. He reminded me a great deal of Robert Preston (from the movie "Music Man"). He always treated me with a great deal of respect and warmth and was a tremendous amount of fun to be with. I remember him with love to this day because he gave me the validation I needed so badly as a child. Anyway, I had some money left over from gifts I had received for my birthday. He suggested that I fly home instead of taking a Greyhound bus because I had never flown and it would be a new experience. That was a big deal in those days. So I did and really enjoyed it. I called my mother to come and pick me up at the airport. When she got there she was livid that I did something without asking her first. She ranted and raved all the way home. She expected to have my dad bawl me out because she told him about it. When I got home he said "I hear that you had a chance to fly home. I think that's wonderful. I would have done the same thing when I was young if I had had the chance." I was so grateful to him for sticking up for me. My mother's jaw hit the floor. He completely took the wind out of her sails. She never said another word about it. He would do things like that for me to subtley let me know he was on my side. I will never forget that.
But you are right- he was not aware that she made him a victim too. Plus, in those days, one just "made the best of things" and took what was dished out.
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did any of you ever have a sibling pick on you or join in (without even knowing they were doing it) on the abuse? My brother used to take joy if he could "report" some infraction of the rules I had commited. If they told me to stay off the phone while they were gone, he would run into the house and touch the phone and tell them if it was warm. He would inspect the dishes I washed and run and tell if he found any food still on them. If I walked on the carpet with my shoes on he would run and tell. But I think he did it to be on their good side.
When we would get whipped with my Dad's belt, I can still hear my brother crying and pleading, "please, Daddy, no, please don't." Even then I knew it was wrong. I don't think I begged -- I know I cried, but I am pretty sure I didn't plead. One time she made me stand with my nose in a ring she drew on the wall and she drew it too high and I stood on my toes for a long time -- summer no AC -- and I fainted. And there was the time when I was 16, she pushed me down and straddled me, placing her knees on my arms -- I could not move, I was totally trapped. She was not even punishing me, there was no trouble going on, she just jumped on me and held me down and laughed at me. I remember feeling such fury and hate, while my brother and Dad watched and laughed.
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No, discounted girl, I was an only child. I don't know what is worse- having your Nmother come down on you and you being the only one she would focus on, or having a brother or sister to deal with too. (only I always said it probably was a blessing she didn't have any more kids because , firstly, I wouldn't wish her on anyone else, and secondly, she would have probably been twice as nuts because she would have had more of her jealousy and resulting need to control to inflict on us.
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Maybe I should have started another topic titled "UNDER- reaction or not?" My mother took a turn for the worse last Monday and passed away. She would have been 89 in December. She was totally cognizant until 2 days before she died. And then I spent two days watching her while she was unconscious. I don't like to see anyone suffer so I think it was sort of a blessing that the last 2 days she was unaware. But I thought to myself while I was sitting there that her life was such an incredible waste when it came to her family because she had had a very nice man for a husband (my father who she beat down emotionally until he had no happiness left. She had a daughter (me) who, like any other child born into this world, just wanted the unconditional love and acceptance of a mother that she could trust - but she blew that too, by making herself the only important person in her life. As a result, I know she couldn't have been a happy person. And she made the two most important people in her life suffer and feel miserable about life and about themselves. After her death all these friends and relatives started calling me and telling me that they were so sorry about my loss. Little did they know that my loss ocurred many, many years ago when I got old enough to be a threat to her (in her eyes) and she began her verbal and physical assaults on me, destroying the trust and confidence I had in her. I heard these words of consolation from these friends and relatives and almost felt like a bad person for not having the feelings they assumed I must be having. I say almost, because this group and the readings I have done about narcissistic parents have helped me come a long way. A year ago I most certainly would have felt guilty, but I understand a lot more now. Any sadness I do feel comes for what might have been if I had had a normal relationship with her. Maybe I am in denial now or something, but all I really feel right now is a sense of quiet relief that I won't have to brace myself and protect myself in order to deal with her anymore. And, as I saw her after her death, I did feel a slight sense of pity for her because she could have had a more rewarding life if she had reached out to others rather than kept her arms around herself.
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Tigerlily, sorry about the loss of your mother, the mother you should have had. I know how that feels. Though it is a great relief that their manipulations and abuse have ended, it is almost harder to deal with their death. The death of my schizophrenic mother 3 years ago and my father's selfish behavior afterward drove me to see a shrink for the first time in my life. I was just so angry.
There is no way to grieve properly because there are no good memories, so many conflicting emotions to deal with. I ended up grieving the loss of the mother I never had but should have, that was the best I could do in the end.
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Tigerlily,
Sincere sympathy to you during this difficult time, after the loss of your mother. I hope that your nmom's passing will bring you some peace. My NDad died in June, and when the minister asked me for fond memories, I couldn't think of any. As the only child, I am sure he found it hard to understand.
Be kind to yourself for the next while. I seemed to have had a delayed reaction a few weeks later - partly because I would never have the chance to try to earn his love, ever again - and how sick is that? I spent my entire life trying to please him, and the heaviest pain was that I didn't have just one more chance. True Nparent-child relationship.
We mourn the dream of having a real family. No matter how hard we tried, it just was never to be, through no fault of ours.
The biggest comfort I have felt, and I hope it will be the same for you : finally, the pain will now end. They can't hurt us any more. We just feel empty for a while.
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((((((((tigerlily))))))))
Thinking of you...
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Well, it's been a week since my mother died. I have been waiting to react in some way, but, so far, all I feel is a sense of relief and a quiet sadness that this is the end of the story. I still feel (emotionally) like it could have "been fixed" so that we could have had a normal relationship, even though (intellectually) I know that could never happen. And now I am realizing that I spent so very much of my time thinking about things in terms of her- how it would affect her, what she would need, how I could live my life around her needs, etc. etc. etc. I am feeling very weird because I did that for so long that I didn't even realize I was doing it, and now,for the first time, I have my life to myself. And I almost don't know how to act. It is REALLY weird.
However, something really nice has happened. All of the people (like aunts and uncles) who I know my mother biased against me are all dead. I used to hate the thought of going back to my home town because I always lived in her shadow and I always felt not quite accepted by them because of the things she used to tell them about me to make herself shine instead of anyone who could take the spotlight away from her. But now, when I made plans to have a memorial service for her in my hometown in a month's time, I heard from all my cousins who didn't get that bias from her, and, in fact understand what I went through because some of them had a similar experience with their mother (my mother's sister.) They have been so supportive of me and have validated my feelings so much and want to all get together while I'm there so that we can all reconnect and share the fun memories we had together as children. This is the first time I am actually looking forward to going home because I am being treated like a peer and as a valuable person in the family. It is mind boggling.
I will keep you posted in what it's like to go through the death of an nparent because I'm sure you have conflicting feelings about it too. When it actually happens, it is different than what you expect. At least, so far, it is for me.
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Dear Tigerlily,
Hugs to you.
Mourn your losses, all of them. I'm so heartened to hear that your cousins and you are connecting in a healing way. That's so great.
Peace, Seeker
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Sounds like you are handling this quite well tigerlily -- I am sorry for whatever sadness you are experiencing. More than likely, instead of mourning the loss of her, you are mourning the loss of all the time, the moments, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years that you wasted trying to please the unpleaseable; trying to be loved by someone who would not love you -- that is what you must bury -- it's over and it ain't comin' back. I find it interesting in the slant you now have on returning home and being with your non-toxic cousins and others. That would feel very good -- it must feel like what the normal family feels, without having to watch your back and second-guess yourself every second. Good luck to you -- I feel like you will be taking giant leaps in levels of comfort and peace now. :)
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God, Discounted girl- you ain't a'kiddin. You hit the nail on the head. I really need that. Right now I'm feeling really weird- I'm looking around, and everything has quieted down after all these years. I spent my lifetime trying to please her. I spent 14 years trying to placate my first nhusband till I got rid of his ass. I spent all those years raising three boys pretty much by myself so I had to be in 90 places at once and make sure their needs were met. Then I had my mother living with me for two years and then catering to her demands when she went into the nursing home for two years. All of a sudden there is just me to worry about. (Fortunately, my present husband is a mature, normal person who doesn't suck the life blood out of me like my mother and ex did). And I can't believe I finally have the time and opportunity to think about me and my needs for the first time. It's like walking out of a noisey, dark theater into the quiet sunlight and feeling the peace. Do you know that feeling? It's almost surreal. I am going to take it real easy and start thinking about the things in my life I want to organize and prioritize. I want to take the deep breaths I've needed to take for a long time and start enjoying the things around me. I hardly know where to start.
Thank all of you for your kind words. It has really helped.
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Dear Tigerlily
I too am sorry for all your losses. It sounds like there is time in your life now to find(( you ))again. My mother is very old. I've often wondered, despite our terrible relationship, what it would be like when she is gone. So much would change and even if it's all for the best it still must be an adjustment to learn how to breathe in deeply and freely, stand up straight and think about simply enjoying your life. Hugs to you.
Les
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They haunt you in your dreams, but my deams of my crazy mother have been good since she died, since I forgave her. They are of the relationship we never had--she is not crazy in my dreams.
Dear Tigerlily
I too am sorry for all your losses. It sounds like there is time in your life now to find(( you ))again. My mother is very old. I've often wondered, despite our terrible relationship, what it would be like when she is gone. So much would change and even if it's all for the best it still must be an adjustment to learn how to breathe in deeply and freely, stand up straight and think about simply enjoying your life. Hugs to you.
Les
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Thanks for the hugs. I can't believe this month. I am handling my mother's death alright, but I got some more news last evening. My best friend from my young wild and single days died. Her daughter called me to tell me the news. She was only a couple of months older than me. We had been apartment mates back in those days. We shared a lot of history of good times, mutual friends, etc. I was with her when she met her husband, we worked in the same hospital together, etc. I still haven't shed a tear over my mother's death and I was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with me, but when I got the news about my friend I cried like a baby. Boy, when it rains, it pours. What the hell next?