Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on May 17, 2008, 10:46:40 AM
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After reading Ami's post about her mother it made me realize some things. First of all, I know there is something in my life that I am repressing. I have snapshots of things in my life as a very young girl. Smells. Vague memories. But I have not remembered anything. But what I have realized is that it does not really matter to me at this time that I uncover some horrific thing my mom did to me.....I already know that this woman has her own reality. As long as she believes her reality she is fine. But that is HER....it is not me. It is not my job to convince her she is horrible. It is not my job to make her admit she is N. No, it is my job to protect myself.
Sometimes when life is starting to be less volatile, I settle back into my prison and think, "oh, it is not that bad......" On Thursday the bookkeeper came in with a business suit on. I asked her where she was and she sheepishly told me she had gone out to a headhunter to apply for a job. Oh yes, she has an exit strategy as well.
So I did not get that one job and lamented the fact a little bit but then I saw an ad on careerbuilder.com that looks like a perfect fit. It is a job as GM of a Bookstore. A national chain. That is what I do so I applied. I hope they call me. I applied for a job with the same company several years ago and it was between me and the assistant manager at the store. They chose to promote from within. Back then the pay was a bit too low for me. Anyway, I hope I at least get an interview. If the bookkeeper leaves the company is screwed!! If me AND the bookkeeper leaves they might as well close the doors!!
I will get out. I will get out. I WILL get out!
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Atta girl, Kelly.
YES YOU WILL!!!
Great planning, perfect position, and bravo.
You're thinking clearly and taking action.
Good for you!
love
Hops
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Oh Kelly
I know that, for me, the one thing that was necessary was a totally safe place with s/one who would not be "shocked" or have their own "gag" factor.
This stuff is gross . Most people cannot go there.
Our bodies and minds know when we are safe. Only then will this stuff come out.
I don't think most therapists can go to deep places(IMO). They will shut you down and not know what they are doing.
I know there are more layers of pain, not necessarily more of these memories. I don't think I have more of these memories,but I may.
I can say one thing, for sure, staying in denial is a million times worse that facing anything. Denial is living life frozen and continually repeating the pain,over and over, symbolically. I will help you in whatever way I can, Kelly.
When I come out of this, I know I will be able to really help other people b/c I will have gone to a deep place and will be able to let other people go there, too. Love Ami
(((((((Kelly))))))))
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Thank you. My ex and I drove to Maryland to see this specialized counselor back in 92. This man told me I was the most guarded person he had met. He would kinda hypnotize people to get them to a place where they could not remember. I would not go there. He told me there was something there. But right now I just need to remove myself from constant proximity to my mom.
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Do you "think" it was your M, Kelly? For me, I had an exaggerated feeling, my whole life ,about HOW gross my M was. I was revolted by her to" too much" of a degree . She did do and say "disgusting "things,but I still had an over exaggerated sense of how disgusting she was . Now, I know why . Ami
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Well my doc who prescribed the cymbalta told me she felt my issues with my mom went way back to my childhood. I know she was not there for me and she did impose her will on me from early on. She had little tolerance for me and was mean spirited. I never knew about sex or anything growing up. I do not know I just know that just to be in her presence makes me ill.
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Back to my escape plan. Got an email from the HR person at the job I just applied for. She will be calling me in the next couple of days for an initial interview!! Keep your fingers crossed and say a little prayer for me, ok????
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Thats great news Kelly. Good luck. seasons
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Thanks!! It IS great news!! I am psyched for this job. I was praying today......something like this...........Lord, you know how I hate working with my mom and I cannot believe you would want me to stay in the middle of this stressed filled existence......but please, guide and direct me so I do not make a mistake. If this is the job for me,l then please make it so!!
I just believe that staying is not good for me..............but I do not want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire!
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I am with you, Kelly, sending you good thoughts. I can't imagine the stress of working with mine . Having her in my head is bad enough(lol). Love Ami
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May
it
be
so
Hops
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So I had the phone interview and the lady said I was not quite qualified for the GM position-they have an internal candidate who is the sales manager. So she asked me if I would consider the sales manager position. I said I would consider it.
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Kelly - way to go - be flexible! Won't hurt to see what that job's about...
But keep looking. You're bound to find just the right place for you to "escape" to.
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Kelly, this sounds suspiciously like "things falling into place". It sounds real good. I'm happy for you and this new possibility.
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Really? I was sad to think that she did not think I was qualified but relieved that I would not get in over my head. But could I work for someone else? I have been in charge for so long-except for my mom that I do not know how it would be to be at the mercy of someone else and especially if they are a lot younger than I. What do you all think?
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Really? I was sad to think that she did not think I was qualified but relieved that I would not get in over my head. But could I work for someone else? I have been in charge for so long-except for my mom that I do not know how it would be to be at the mercy of someone else and especially if they are a lot younger than I. What do you all think?
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Really? I was sad to think that she did not think I was qualified but relieved that I would not get in over my head. But could I work for someone else? I have been in charge for so long-except for my mom that I do not know how it would be to be at the mercy of someone else and especially if they are a lot younger than I. What do you all think?
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I think you can, Kell, if you remember to NOT make it a personal relationship.
Kudos on this step...it's a GOOD thing!
love,
Hops
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Well I will walk this path as long as it takes me. I will not jump unless I feel it is a really good fit. But she did say that there would be advancement opportunities which I do not have at work-unless my mom really leaves.
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Hang in there OC
Think positively about the job. If you are not qualified for one, then it's best you don't take it and feel overwhelmed.
You need a job for which you are qualified. Being qualified and learning company procedure, it all soon falls into place, and to hell with a supervisor being younger. I have seen much of that!
Inasmuch as there is a younger supervisor, she must have earned the job, been qualified and more power to her.
Yes, you have been in charge for so long, but when hired and presented with a new job, you will require help/input from your co-workers as to how things work. That is a chance to 'bond' with someone. I think all people love to show a new person how the job goes.................well my exoerience, and I always asked if I didn't know/remember something.
I really hope you can get away! You will end up with brand new "fellowshio" with co-workers and a feeling of really being useful and not put down.
I really wish you well
Love
Izzy
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Dear Kelly,
I feel positve about it. Let me know what happens. I am sending good thoughts and wishes your way. Love Ami
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With me, if the person is decent, I don't have a problem with them being younger. Bosses are not always decent, though. Of course. I would say, if you get the lesser job, just play it by ear. You definitely recognize red flags when you see them by now. Maybe at the interview you could ask for a tour and maybe get a chance to meet the others and see what kind of impression they make on you. Or if it is a panel interview the person you would be working for would be there and asking you questions. You would pick up the vibe that way.
That's a really good concern you have there about not being in charge in this situation. But it might be a foot in the door for you.
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A foot in the door is all you need, Kelly.
Because it's a foot OUT of the door of the trap you've been in...
Just please please remember your supervisor, whether 12 or 200, is not your mother, but is absolutely guaranteed 100% to be an imperfect person with some aspects you won't care for.
Remember you aren't choosing this person from across a crowded room to appreciate you more than you've ever been appreciated by anyone before...they're just the boss.
You aren't searching for mother love that will heal the wounds and frustration you've been through all these years...they're just the boss.
You aren't finding a venue at last in which your true brilliance and capability will be instantly recognized and eternally celebrated....they're just the boss.
Etc.
It could be a wonderful, healing thing to do a straightforward job with all your confidence and knowledge of life. And to learn new things, and find new ways of relating and succeeding in the world.
I think you'd be very successful as a sales manager. I hope you get it. And the younger person who is your supervisor might be a very decent person who is glad to have a competnet, smart, and experienced woman on her team. (Making the boss look good helps YOU look good.)
lots of hugs,
Hops
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Thinking of you, Kelly. I think a business would be fortunate to have you, very. It is a huge decision b/c you have been in a certain situation, however bad, for a long time.
You are going forward ,exploring your options, in a smart way.You are being "proactive". I am waiting to hear . Love Ami
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Well, I was feeling rather sick about it. I felt punched in the stomach but then I realized I felt rejected and that was all. I would never want to get in over my head and not perform well and have them riding me all the time. So I decided I would go into the store and try to get a vibe. I walked in and the store was full of customers. The employees were helpful. I bought a book - Legends of the Fall - love the movie thought I would read the book.......
I liked everything I saw and felt good about it so I emailed the HR person and told her about my experience and that if they offered the job to the present Sales Manager that I would be interested in pursuing the Sales Manager position. Then I realized, the way I function at my job is how the Sales Manager functions for this company. So what if I take a $5000 a year cut. I have been making the same salary for the past 8 years. In eight years at the new job I would probably be the District Manager!!! So we will see!!!!!!
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In eight years at the new job I would probably be the District Manager!!!
THAT'S OUR KELL!!!!!!!!!!!
(But it would probably be 4 years.) :D
Good for you, Kelly!
That's a winning attitude and you just rock.
love to you,
Hops
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Boy I go back and forth back and forth......I really want my Vision For Life business to boom so I do not have to work outside the home at all........but maybe if I leave the store and go to work for the national chain at least I will have a reprieve from my mother!!! If my v4l business goes then I could quit there and my sanity would be in tact.
I went to Alice Miller's website and boy, I think I was abused!! My dad is the one who keeps trying to get me to just accept my mom. I need an ally dad, not someone who supports the NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!
Oh, I got an email from the HR person and she said, TERRIFIC I will let the DM know you are interested in the Sales Manager position!!!
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Dear Kelly
I am so excited that you went to the Alice Miller website. We cab heal this way together, if you want. It is real healing,IMO, not false BS "talk".
I am more and more angry at "regular" therapy which is BS(IME). I am angry, as you can tell. I have had way too much regular therapy and got worse, not better.
Also, Janov's book , The Primal Scream is wonderful! The first chapter is about how we become 'unreal". I have been unreal since 14.
My F,now,IS supporting me, which is a shock, but welcome.Your job prospect sounds good, Kelly. Am I understanding it right?
Love Ami
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She told me that she would pass my wishes to be considered as Sales Manager to the District Manager. She ended the sentence with an exclamation point which usually means excitement, right??? I cannot help but feel sorry for my mom if the bookkeeper and I both leave..............but you make your bed.................go lie in it!!!
Sometimes all this therapy just makes me worse, I think. Everytime I hear of some injustice to one of us by our Ns it just makes me angry. I am sick of being angry all the time!! I am going to go google The Primal Scream............
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Dear Kelly
The job looks promising . The Alice Miller website will help you have the strength to leave, if you do. Alice is an Enlightened Witness(hears the pain and is there) to us, as abused kids(still inside us)
It is very strengthening,IME.
I think you will go on a good track ,once and for all, with these tools, Kelly, as I am. Love Ami