Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on May 20, 2008, 07:34:25 AM
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I have had most of the things life has to offer, from the outside.
I have , just ,started to see that I did not have my 'mind", my independent way to view life and myself.I never saw this, with the heart, before.
I realized, first of all, that I will not give myself away to others to manage my own shame ,by telling me I am OK. My being OK is from within.The outside will influence us, to a degree, as long as we are human, but I will lessen the degree.
I had become "unconscious "and that is how I lived.I just existed ,without claiming myself, as a "me".
I want to be IN the 'me" who is me, and not IN other people's minds.
I do have power of choice if it is for myself.
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The biggest taboo was being "independent" in your own values . A normal M would want to send the child out in to the world, with a moral compass What else do we have to guide us, if not this? What else keeps us safe ,in our own boundary?
My GM saved me b/c she did this for me. My M could not kill my core and make me like she was b/c my GM armed me . She told me I WAS worth "being a person". My M was a whirlwind trying to tear the internal structures that made me "me" .
My GM planted a core that stayed,all these years. My GM thought I was worth standing up to the "outside". She helped me define the outside versus me. I could strive for the a personal "best"in her eyes. That is what she did for me.
My M tried to tear it down, with claws, but she couldn't totally.
She couldn't take that core away, which my GM had planted. It fought her back.
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I do have strengths. I can fight back. I can go against the crowd. I always have been able to do that. My GM gave me that. She gave me the concept that you are worth s/thing,if you hold yourself 'upright"
I have good perceptions. My compass can guide me.
My M took away my trust in myself by convincing me I was "bad".I became like a cult member ,who looks to the leader for guidance.
I believed it.
This memory showed me that she wanted to undermine my independence, at the deepest level.
She wanted to show me that SHE could do whatever she wanted and *I* was powerless. .It was the strong conquering the weak and making the weak subject to it.That was the point of it.
Once you lose connection with your inner compass , you are on a collision course. It is just a matter of time. Your compass tells you about life in a way that only YOU can percieve. It has to be clear b/c there are certain "rules" of living that only come ,intuitively, as I see it.Life is about "feeling" your way through. There is information that only comes to a "clear channel". If not, you have to travel with a playbook which won't work and you won't know why.
That is what the N stole, our trust in our intuition, our deep feeling part of ourselves, our information gatherer to the outside world and ourselves.That was how they rendered us their slaves, by telling us falsehoods about ourselves and putting us in this prison that we carried around, long after we left them. That is how they injected their poison. We could not attach to ourselves and get the answers we needed to "fly", so we stayed attached, just as they wanted us to.
My M, the therapist, can you imagine sitting down in a chair across from her?