Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on May 24, 2008, 09:49:53 AM
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I was thinking. Sometimes when I come here and read about the injustices of it all it brings me down. Maybe because I have lived in a prison for so many years and because sometimes I just do not think I will EVER get out - completely. There will always be guilt thrown at me. There will always be blame thrown at me. I will always be afraid of the future and I will be overwhelmed by the day to day responsibilities..........
Does anyone else work 40-45 hours a week. Maintain a home. Take care of children. Be all things to all people. Live with a legacy of shame, guilt, projection, invalidation, voicelessness.etc. and be happy and fulfilled and content?
Is it just because I am perimenopausal that everything seems overwhelming to me?
Sometimes when I read what others are going through and I realize what I am going through...............I just want to run to my comfortable bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep...........and cozy up..........but the laundry calls my name. And the litter box. And the dishes. And the toys. SS-I know you know.....
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Dear Kelly,
I stayed home with kids and didn't work, so I can't respond to the working while having kids. I can only imagine how hard that would be . My heart goes out to you, on that one. I have great admiration for you, Kelly.
One thing I can say about the emotional part. I have taken my NM with me,in my head, for my whole life. It did not matter that I was far away. She was in my head and ruining my life. Her legacy controlled me. Only now am I breaking free.'
The emotional wounds don't go away .
Having other stresses makes them worse, but they are always there, destroying you.
Now, for the first time , I am healing. The board was the start and now Alice Miller, The Primal Scream and my wonderful friend ,James, have shown me the map out.
I will do whatever is needed to get free of her legacy. She is a curse, a person who brings horror wherever she goes. I have been in denial,so I was in a prison where she held the keys.
Now, I am taking th keys back, for the first time.
I hope my post is OK b/c it was not really on your exact topic. I appreciate you very much ,Kelly. Love Ami
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I think the world's full of women/people who work hard, raise autistic and challenged and typical children, work outside the home, deal with illness, run the household and battle chaos from partners and FOO that create more burdens than would seem possible to endure.
Every day..... more than anyone can count.
The people who have a sense of right and wrong.... who care about children and responsibility...... are out there along with the people who work hard to tear it all apart for no reason that makes logical sense.
Lighter
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Dear OC
I used to have every day filled with work, dashing here and there, raising a little girl, then things happened and suddenly I am old and don't have to work, but do, part-time to have a responsibility.
My inner self is finally at peace and I take one day at a time, without any BIG things to do, and think, tho' I don't fear death, that it will be my next learning experience.
I will come back and be a ghost writer here for all of you and let you know about the other side and why women are smarter and stronger than men!
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Well, thanks for all the good advise. I am so afraid of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. I did it once before. Left and got a job that had me there 12 hours per day..................9 to 9......I could have handled it from like 6 am to 6pm..........BUT,,,,,,,,,,,,if I stay I endure the constant water torture of being with my aging mom. If I go I enter the world of unknown............but the last job I applied for the guy told me there is always a learning curve in a new job. A time when you walk out and think I WILL ALWAYS BE THE NEW GIRL = NO ONE KNOWS ME OR LIKES ME....I AM ALL ALONE.............AND IN A COUPLE YEARS YOU ARE ONE OF THE CLUB AND YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY LEFT YOUR FORMER LIFE.
I DO have a house cleaner now which takes a whole bunch of the stress off. My d is older. My h is still a drunk but at least he stays at home and doesn't rage like he used to.....
I do feel a bit better.........
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(((OC)))
I know it's hard and you're overwhelmed all the time.
I'm so sorry your mother and husband can't do any better, but I don't think they can.
::looking forward to your message from the other side, Izz::
Lighter
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I think for my H it has become a habit. If he mows the lawn he has a few beers. If he is sad about his mom passing - he has a few beers. If ANYTHING - he has a few beers. He used to trick me into going out with him. We used to belly up to a bar and he would pound beers and I would get bored with his constant droning and want to go home. So now he asks if I want to go to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Then when we get there he pounds a beer and another and another before we even order. We could order earlier but he doesn't look at the menu............he just drones on and on about topics we have already discussed. Something is wrong with him socially. His diaglogue is predictable....
But my point on this thread is not so much that I am overwhelmed (but I DO tend to be.............) but that sometimes it gets me worked up. When we have conflict on the board, it is exhausting. When I read about people and the injustices that happen to them - it plain makes me mad! When I tell others about my frustrations it works me up. I just want to be able to get past all this stuff. Sometimes I think just being here makes it worse from time to time........almost like wallowing in my self pity. Having other people go through the same thing helps me to know I am not alone - BUT...................
Awhile back people got frustrated with me because I stay stuck...............but maybe I live in a comfort zone of stupidity!!
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Read The Primal Scream by Janov, Kelly .It answered most of my 'Why?" questions. How did I get like this? How can I change back to "normal'? How can I undo the abuse?
Did the Alice Miller website help you, Kelly? Did it give you comfort and a sense of trust in yourself? It did for me. Love Ami
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Awhile back people got frustrated with me because I stay stuck...............but maybe I live in a comfort zone of stupidity!!
Well, you seem to be getting un-stuck now!
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Ami: As I was reading in the Alice Miller website it made me realize that not only is my mom a mean spirited, controlling n...........but my father and his corporal punishment was wrong. My dad was a spanker when I was little. He would take his belt off even.....I have memories of getting paddled. But my dad didn't play the mind games with me that my mom did......
But now I know that even my dad blames me (not my mom) for the conflict............or maybe both of us but he wants me to take the high road and just do as she says. No, dad....will not do it!!
But no, Ami, I do not think it makes me better. It makes me mad. It makes me all the more aware that I have lived with injustice ALL my life. My H was talking about getting thumped on the head by a teacher and his parents called the school......................at least they defended him.....................mine would not have called. They would have asked me what I did wrong to provoke the teacher...
Now that I think of it, my dad was really NOT there as a child........my mom did as little as she could but really was more responsible for me. When I got old enough to know better my mom was off making her bucks and my dad took me out to eat every night.
And Juno? Stuck/Unstuck. I have been going through this awful anxiety since 2001. I blew up!! But I cannot seem to escape. I did get another $400 from V4L so I think this business will help me. Even if I take a pay cut from the new job if I get it I will have enough extra money to get me by.....hopefully.
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Dear Kelly
Part of the healing IS getting mad b/c you have reason to be mad. We stay sick when we don't get angry, according to Alice.
Your anger is real and "normal" for all you have experienced, Kelly.We will be healthy when we can re-connect with our feelings. We are "sick" when we are disconnected from them and ,hence, ourselves. Does this make sense, Kelly?
Love Ami
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Oh it makes more than sense, Ami.....but my point is I have been feeling this anger for a good six or seven years. I feel it so much that when I see my mom, I start aching. My blood pressure is high. I gained weight. I have high cholesterol. My triglycerides are high. My sugar levels are high. I am depressed. So I read this book and they talk about having too much stress is bad on your body and all of the above things happen. It was a eureka moment!! Aha!! That is why I am so sick. My stress and anger have gotten the best of me.
Then I think. I am wallowing in my anger. It is like by working with my mom I keep sticking my hand in the fire. I haven't learned that by doing that I am going to get burned. I have gotten burned over and over and over again. It is ridiculous.....
But I think maybe I am answering my own question. Is it getting old? Yes. Why is it getting old? Because I keep sitting in my pickle jar.....lol.....I am a pickle!!!
Now I need to make my move and hopefully then I can come onto this board with stories of healing and contentment and happiness......
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Dear OC
I lived with 2 alcoholics (not at the same time) and that was very stressful for me. One was an A and the other was an P/N+A.
Can you honestly say that you love your husband and can endure his disease and behaviour for the rest of your married life?
I have a friend, since 1967, Joan and we are so attuned to one another. I am so far away but we are still in touch. When I rented a house '67, I had the downstairs I could rent out and she and her husband moved in with their 3 girls. Joan and I had been workmates. Lou is an alcoholic. They are in love. They shared the death of their only son 'Butch', leukemia, when Joan would drive to Toronto almost every night to see him and Lou never went. He stayed home with the girls and drank. I did all the work around the house. When their girls messed up the playroom in the basement, I cleaned it up. I kept all the common areas clean, as well as my own place. I put the storm windows on in the Fall and took them off in the spring, while Lou drank. I painted and laid carpet while Joan let her housework go and the 3 girls wet the bed and Lou drank. One evening she was out and I had to diaper the girls before bed as Lou was on the sofa drunk.
Now this was different for me than having my own S,O. drunk. He worked and then after over a year of living below me, they left for another city because of his transfer. I was sad. They left on May 31, 1969, a Saturday and Lou was still drinking while Joan was pregnant with another child, One week later I was in the car crash. I so missed my friends, Joan and Lou. and called them from the 'dying room'. Joan came, still pregnant then had another girl and one day Lou was having a beer and said to himself, "I don't need this' and he poured the rest on the ground and hasn't had a drink since . 35 + years sober.
That is the only happy ending I know, about a longtime alcoholic and the loved they shared, They have gone through all that plus her mastectomy, and his many injuries at work, his heart attack, yet they drove 2000 miles to see me in 2004. and they were both gray and older looking and I looked the same as in 1969. (Joan swore to that, bit it's is not really true.) They were still in love and that's 41 years that I have known them.
That is a lot to type, but I cannot see that either of my As would have done that. Would yours? Does this cause you unending stress? Truth Now!
I know there are other things that overwhelm you. That anger at your mom must go! (When I lost all my feelings of resentment and anger, my blood pressure went right down.)
Definitely ! Stress can cause any number of bodily aches, pains and whatevers. With the N, my neck pained so much I went to a chiropracter--I knew it was the N but this was time away from him---) That helped a bit, but when I left him, many aches and pains disappeared.
So now you, the pickle, are seeing that you will come to this board with some contentment and peace!! Good for you! And now the way you will do it?
The choice is yours and yours alone. No one else can make it for you. Everyone here could send happy ending stories, but you and your husband are not Joan and Lou.
I don't know what to say about your weight. The picture I saw of you...last year....? you looked great to me. You are not the 2000# woman who cannot get out of bed.
I suggest that sometimes you take a rest from all the people/books telling you what to do and figure out what feels best for yourself. See if it works!
You have always been good to me and this is the longest I've written to one particular person.
All that raises the question, "When will you leave your mother and husband?"
If that is not right, "When will you go to Al-Anon and perhaps find a way?"
If that is not right, "When and how can you tell him that you love him but he hurts you every day and it's destroying you?!!!!!"
If nothing is right then just kindly tell me I just don't understand!
Good Luck. You can Overcome!
Izzy
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Boy that was a great long post Iz. Some great insight from you. If I could afford to I think I would leave. I know he loves me and I am fond of him but not of his drinking or his redundancy. I believe if this job at Borders is to be it will. If they offer me the job I would be tempted to take it. The frustration would ease up I am sure. Maybe then the worst thing would be the drinking. I figure he will die-he smokes and has not been to the doc once since I met him 7 years ago.
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Thinking of you, Kelly.Sending thoughts of peace your way! Look forward to updates. Love Ami
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SS-I know you know.....
I do know. This is what i have to say - take it for what it is worth -
you are doing good work. Do not give up even though you are frustrated and feel stuck. no not give up. One day (not soon enough) suddenly things will shift and something will give and then you will have moved forward in a real way. And then the process will begin again but each subsequent process is easier than the last. Don't give up. Never give up. You are making progress even if is doesn't seem so.
I have learned so much from the experience of when I pushed too hard. I am learning through that experience to be more patient with my own healing. It is never fast enough but I won't give up. i won't sacrifice because it is too slow. never give up.
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Thanks for the response, SS. It is this feeling of being buried. And since I have gotten older and heavier it is impossible to keep up with all the chores. I tire easier. I do not have the stamina I used to have. When I was younger I could put on some rock music and clean the entire house in a couple of hours. I mean, dust and vacuum and toilets and organize the kids rooms. Now I can barely do anything before I am sore and winded.....
I am in limbo. I have washed my hands of work. I come in work a couple of hours and leave. I am running my d to therapy. Another thing my mom instigated and I have to work into my schedule. I have decided that the boundaries go up outside of work as well. "Mom, I appreciate what you are trying to do but if I want advise I will ask you for it." OR "Mom, from now on anything you think would benefit C..... you will have to make all the arrangements AND drive her there and pay for it." I just cannot be jerked around by her.............it is always something. If she cannot get me at work she condemns me for not doing everything in my power to help my d. I asked her what does she want from me? Does she want me to be all things to ALL people?????
She is alienating me.......I am slipping away and she feels it but she keeps on pushing me and pushing me........the older she gets the more she feels obliged to push. She drives me crazy!!!
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It's not just you, Kel...you really are overwhelmed.
I am a firm believer in the capacity of humans to regenerate their health and rejuvenate their spirits. It's very hard to conceive of when you're in the grip of depression, but that doesn't change the physical/metaphysical laws that prove you CAN do it.
In the shorter term, every time I read of your pain and frustration and try to visualize your life, one thing comes up over and over, for me. Simplifying your life. I keep thinking you may be trapped in stuff, in space, in busyness.
There are a ton of books and sites and resources that have come from people who have likewise hit burnout with frustrating jobs, overwork, too much responsibility (not to mention alcoholic mates). Here's just one, and I hope some idea sparks a sense of hope:
http://zenhabits.net/2007/09/simple-living-manifesto-72-ideas-to-simplify-your-life/ (http://zenhabits.net/2007/09/simple-living-manifesto-72-ideas-to-simplify-your-life/)
If these don't fit, read others. There are hundreds. There's in fact a "movement" called Voluntary Simplicity that is growing in popularity.
love,
Hops
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I went to the link and found some very good ideas. I guess my stress comes from the fact that at 5 am I start. There is getting the kids up and ready. Getting myself ready. Driving my d to school and then going to work. Then my work is stressful. Then I go pick up my d. And drive her to therapy. Then I get my AH 45 minutes. I run home.....lie in bed and take a break. Then I go back and get her. Then I go home, pack lunches, go do laundry, straighten the house up. Go to a track banquet, leave early and go to a 7th grade choral concert...........then go home and make sure my d is showered and help her shave her armpits. Go to bed and do something just about the same the next day. It is morning until night running and doing. I do not suffer from materialism per se. I am too heavy to go shopping and buy clothes off the rack. I hate the way I look so it does not give me pleasure.
So that is why I get scared to think of another job. At my present job I work 25 hours per week and get great pay. The down side is that the 25 hours make me crazy. Part of me thinks that 45 per week at a sane place would almost be a reprieve.....but what if it is not??? I could hire someone to run my d around.....teach her that she will not cut herself shaving if she is careful.....
I have four pets. You may say get rid of them................simplify..............but I love them. They give me joy......
Last night we went to a Cubs game for my d's 21st birthday...........even the thought of that was a bit overwhelming. It was fun but we left early and still didn't get to bed until after 11............I called in sick today.............to the bookkeeper!
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I hear you. Good lord, Kel, who wouldn't be unhealthy on a treadmill like that?
(Of course keep the pups!)
Could you start thinking about hiring some household help?
I have someone who comes twice a month to do the basics, because of my back. She does my laundry.
It's embarrassing but it helps so much. I'd give up a lot of other things, before that.
If you can afford it, I hope you'll do it.
And I wish there were a carpool for your daughter, so you'd have one turn a week, not every morning...
Keep thinking about it. There ARE ways to slow it down and simplify.
I know you can do it, and I know you'll be healthier and happier.
You deserve it.
love to you,
Hops
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Hops: I DO have cleaning ladies that come in every other Tuesday.....it has been a LIFE SAVER!! I have never had one until this house. I told my h if he can afford to smoke, I can afford cleaning ladies...........!!!
I have continued to apply for several jobs. The newest one I think I may be excited about. It is a branch manager of a bank!! I keep worrying about getting the job at Border's and having to work until 11 pm on a Friday or Saturday night. Probably work a lot of evenings and weekends and at this point in my life that just worries me. I think to myself, "since I am usually asleep by 10 pm, how in the heck am I going to work until Midnight?" Not that I will not pursue it if they call me back. The only thing that would happen to have them call me back is if they hire the existing sales manager......if they hire anyone else - I am out.
But back to the bank. My friend is an assistant VP of a bank and I have always envied her. She works pretty good "bankers hours" and makes good money. I would love to work days and on Saturday only until noon......no Sundays......
And the carpool suggestion, Hops? This is what happened. We lived in a northern suburb. We moved to a north central suburb because I wanted my d with autism to go to the Christian school that her sisters had attended. The Christian school is about a mile away. They do not have a special education program but are talking about it. So while they are getting their acts together I have open enrolled her to the school district that she has been in since first grade. I would never put her in another one...............kids can be so mean and so many of these kids have known her for years and understand her. So there is no one else going that way, if you know what I mean.....it hurts the pocket book too with the price of gas....
But if I get another job I will probably have to hire someone to drive her around since I will have a less flexible schedule....
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I see what you mean,Kelly, about being "stuck" with your M. At least your hours are flexible. It would be scary to have ALL that responsibility and the job restrictions, too.
It is a VERY hard Catch 22. I can seee that better,now, Kelly. Love Ami
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The new job is coming, Kel.
Well, it's not coming, you're going out to get it. BRAVO.
Could your daughter safely ride a bike to school?
Would build a habit of physical exercise and self-esteem.
Depends on where you live, her abilities.
xo
Hops
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Oh never. The back of our house backs to Highway 6................(yes, a bonafide highway....) They have to cross that to get to the Christian school. There is a stop light. D with autism is probably five miles away from old school district. And I always worry about some pedophile grabbing her. She is pretty vulnerable in that her verbal skills are not good. I do not think she would be able to articulate things......I did get her a cell phone so she can get ahold of me. Now she calls me at 3 in the morning during thunderstorms so I have to go into her room and sleep with her... :P I know I will work it out when the new job comes. There has to be someone who could go pick her up. Or she could go play at a friend's house in the old school district until I could pick her up. I could pay that family....
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Hey Kell,
Do you think Mom could lay you off for awhile so you can get unemployment. Meanwhile you could rest up look for a job with less stress and more sleep. I have a friend who got laid off and collected and the offered her I think a two year course at any approved training she wanted to either extend her skills or completely change them. You could try that too.
I also did a temp service years ago. I loved it and wound up staying at a job I was temp to permanent. It was good because you get to feel the places and people out first.
Maybe you could work something out like that with your mom too. When temp has work you don't work with mom and when not you do your 25 hours.
Or is there something you can do at home with the job and just go in for a hour or two maybe twice a week for a meeting or something.
Love
Deb
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Dear Overcomer-
It seems that you have all of the responsibility, and not the authority you need and deserve. It sounds like you have to fit yourself around what others set up as your duties - that cannot be inspring or enjoyable. If you read a recent post by Our Izzy, she mentions looking for a place for herself abd her daughter, and she found one that felt right for her- not the fanciest but the one that felt right. You deserve to choose what feels right to you and pursue that, rather than be set up in a game where you have the clock ticking from the crack of dawn, and must do such and such set up bt others until bedtime, and the test of whether you are "good" or not, is how many of the assigned tasks you have done, etc. Caring , love and loyalty have been large part of the equation, but it's okay to be loving, caring and loyal to yourself too!!!
There is a great saying for caregivers- "You must take the oxygen first!" In other words, you must have what you need first in order to do what is needed for others. You need the self-care, inspiration and joy of living in order to model that for your children, and in order to be the happy heart of your family. You need to take care of your physical being so that you can do what you need to physically. You need your life-set up to be conducive to your life, and you need to have support and love in your life- and you deserve it.
Maybe start in small ways- join a really nice women's gym or hiking club, and take daily exercise in a lovely atmosphere- this could be the start of so many things freeing up for you. Hang out with people who see you as you really are, not some drudge who is there to burden with orders and not to be seen as an individual. A new job with friends and respect and boundaries- sounds so good. You are searching, like Izzy for her new home- and you will find what feels good to YOU!!!
Love,
Changing
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Yes, I live in a treadmill. I am taking Jazzercise and that is so much fun. It is exercise but I also get to act like I used to when I was a cheerleader!! Speaking of that, I graduated from high school 30 years ago today!! It was funny. This hot guy and I started going out the day before graduation so after graduation he had his parent's conversion van. We had a cooler with lots of champagne and other drinks. We parked in a parking lot and were ready to start drinking when the cops came up and confiscated all our alcohol!!!!
I think we did get lucky, however!! Just a memory.....kinda funny!!