Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Changes on May 29, 2008, 06:28:12 PM
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I have been gone from the Board for a few months and do not know how to retrieve my former profile (Changing) and password etc, so I have elected to take a new name, Changes (not very imaginative, is it?) I went through a period of extreme privation (self-imposed) trying to pay all the bills that were left to me with the pittance that I have, and not looking out for myself first. I eliminated everthing ( ie the internet). I think that I was repeating ancient childhood survival patterns of deprivation, etc. - who knows, the only thing that I can say for certain is that it was ridiculous and self-defeating.
I have missed the wisdom and support and fun!!!!
God Bless You All,
Changes
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Welcome back! I used to be Pennyplant--now posting as Juno.
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Hi Juno (Pennyplant)-
You have transformed yourself into a goddess- well done!!!! Perhaps your methods will rub off on me as well and hopefully I will transform into a classy goddess like Juno, instead of one of the more ridiculous mythological creatures (the Medusa or Minotaur,etc) Thank you for welcoming me back- hope all is well with you.
Love,
Changes
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Hi Changes,
I'm glad you are back. I missed you. I miss everyone who is not here anymore. I know they lurke though! So a big hello to all.
Well I'm sure we will have some more laughs on here when your neighbor is walking by and hears you roaring screaming laughing at night. And we will also share the pain and heal together.
Looking forward to your reads and welcome back again
Love
Deb
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((((((Changes)))))))
I'm so glad you're back.
I've missed your steady voice in this storm.
((((((Changing)))))))
And your humor.
Lighter
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Hi Debkor and Lighter-
Thank you for your welcome back! It's funny, but I felt tentative when I posted today, almost like my first post last year- it seemed like no one was out there, and the void was daunting. It's great to hear from my friends!!!! I want to catch up on what is happening with you all, so I will be reading message pages 1-1000 !
Love to My Dears,
Changes
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When you get the chance.... and you think it's OK.....
please post an update on yourself.
The kitty, doggy..... school and legal struggles.
I woke up feeling better this morning bc you're back.
Lighter
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Yes please changes! Give us a picture of your progress during your abscence!
Missed you...(used to be "shunned")
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Dear Phoenix (the new name is inspiring!) and Lighter-
Thank you for your replies and for asking about me. I finished 1L- have to wait 5 weeks to see the results. I finally got accommodations for my disabilities, and it helped a great deal.
As far as my case goes, my attorney seemed to have "lost it" somewhere along the way- He is quite intelligent , but at a certain point he was unreachable, phone and fax numbers were disconnected, he eventually apologized to the clients but I ended up having to go to the courthouse and get copies of my files repeatedly ( horrible timing for my papers and exam studies) and send copies to the lawyer, trying to reach him and prevent a disaster, etc. Bottom line-It looks like we defaulted!!! I have a friend at the law school who was living in a one room apartment with 3 children, including a small baby, when her doctor husband slammed her unfairly in court and took it all. She reopened her case with a new attorney, and now she has a lovely home in a great area, etc.
I have retained her lawyer and have another bogus OSC coming up ( in my DV group, so many of the ladies are bludgeoned incessantly by ridiculous legal maneuvers, the abusers hauling them into court , disrupting and destabilizing their work and lives, often bankrupting them financially and emotionally. It helps so much to have them to talk to, as people who haven't been in this sick cycle become bored with the subject easily, or simply see you as hysterical or stupid "why haven't you just handled it", so I tend to avoid the subject and keep my predicament to myself.) Luckily, my new attorney is giving me a break on costs, by having me write things up, gather the documents, serve subpoenas, etc. -
I have internet again, long distance telephone, etc (still no TV)- cutting too close to the bone was imprudent and pathological- I couldn't handle my business efficiently. I have had to make arrangements for repayment on two of my bills- I kept thinking that I would get my money that the Bagworm stole from me, and that I would be divorced, etc, so I did without more and more-not too smart!!!! I am feeling much better and more effective now- What a numbskull I can be!!!!
All of the pets are just lovely- the kitty that was hurt at the beginning of the year looks wonderful, and scampers about ( but sometimes slips when he turns corners, etc). The vet that I took him to had changed hands from old-timers to a corporation- I was desperately broke, and though they have gotten many thousands in the past from me, they hassled me to hold 2 checks for payment. I brought cash to pay for the first check as was arranged, then came with cash to pick up the second check at the appointed time as well- they insisted that the check wasn't there, and that their computer showed that the check had been submitted to the bank and cleared (not our agreement)- I waited and waited as they checked and rechecked this. I deposited the funds back into the bank, and didn't follow up as I should have, as I was also desperately trying to save my divorce case from being spoiled, going to the courthouse, going to law school, and living on nothing...I later got a nasty letter about MY NOT PERFORMING MY END OF THE BARGAIN!!! Of course , I had to handle this at the worst time possible, etc. Anyway, they were completely wrong about the kitty- no $20,000 neuro work was needed, his hindquarters are not paralyzed, he has complete continence, etc.
The Baby dog is a grown-up now, but still a Baby. I feel so secure with him, and he is truly good natured. I have Izzyfied my house even more, and I love it- almost everything is white and it feels so good and spare and under control and comfortable- so easy to wash everything white and make it shine. Bagworm still hasn't taken his things!!!! Still no list, etc- this pattern of abusers leaving "stuff" behind at the house they have left and using it as a control mechanism is almost universal among the ladies at the DV group!!!! Amazing!!!! It evokes laughter in everyone there when someone mentions this issue!!!!
Thank you for caring and for being you- it has really helped.
Love From Your Friend,
Changes
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I even missed the word "Bagworm".
SO SO SO glad you're here again, Changing for the Better.
I'm terribly sorry you've been through such horrible stress.
At the same time I believe utterly, absolutely, that you will become Lawyer of the Year somewhere and be Bagworm-free.
How is your foot?
I wish you could call 1-800-GOT JUNK? and have his stuff hauled away.
I think stuff can be a form of holding someone hostage.
They force you to keep some of your mental attention on them, via stuff.
Uggh.
Celebrating your return. Just surviving 1-L was an extraordinary accomplishment under your circumstances, Change. I am truly awed.
with love,
Hops
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Hoppy You Dear-
Thank you for your reply. I don't know if I will be a fancy lawyer, but what I want to do is to set up basic packets of forms and information easily accessible to women who are seeking to salvage what they can from abusers, users and such. So much of the work that needs to be done can be begun, and greatly aided, by the women themselves, saving needless expense, wrong turns and heartache. I think that a packet of information could be set up at every Domestic Violence shelter, complete with forms (instead of having to get them at the courthouse, etc.)
Maybe a notebook with pockets labeled according to what would be needed, and a step by step guide...I would feel so accomplished if this basic sort of thing could be distributed, with phone numbers, laws, etc, printed in it. As for now, I have to slog through day to day and try to enjoy every minute I can, no matter what is going on ( not easy but worth learning I think)
Love You Hoppy, Thank You For Supporting My Dreams and Ambitions,
Changes
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What an EXCELLENT idea Changes! the notebook and a guide to steps to protect themselves legally/financially...
how clever of you to think of this! And how generous and giving! I see a bright future ahead for you.
Nice to know that you made it through the worst of the Bagworm Saga with all of your self intact and are beginning to THRIVE. (Just hope you can "sign on the dotted line" soon, about officially ditching Bagworm...)
I hear vibrant, joyful notes in your words that put a big smile on my heart....
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Hi Phoenix!
I had an almost leaden feeling when I had to go another lawyer, explain the whole case, drag out my copious documents, etc., and yet the really sorrowful and frightened feelings have dissipated a great deal from the time I first posted here, and I can't go back...I do feel so much better, I adore my lovely white comforter and white walls and bare rooms, and the QUIET, only madly chirping birds and pets, and the hum of the refrigerator. I love eating what I like and my cozy life ( not fancy in any way but it suits me) Thank you for caring- it truly fortifies me in my current quest.
I had a day or so of freedom before I started this new madness of changing attorneys and assisting in getting my case together again- I liked the feeling of being normal, not harried, etc for those couple of days- but this was a great opportunity to save money by doing it myself, though the OSC is next week... seems awfully soon to cross swords with Bagworn using a new lawyer, but I have to give it my best shot!
I love what you wrote- that I have made it through the worst! I never stopped to realize that! Thank you Phoenix- please let me know how you are doing!
Love,
Changes
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OH NO! I had no idea your very heroic understanding attorney went off the charts.
Did you ever figure out where he got to.....
and why?
Something personal in his own life, no doubt.
I just can 't believe your luck.
So much hardship on top of hardship.....
The Bagworm business isn't over.... until it's over.
It may take another year or two.
Don't let your gaurd down and don't stop being alert and aware for your safety.
It's not about taking everything from you.....
it's about winning and making sure you can't recover and have a good life without him.
I know you'll become a wonderful attorney and make a difference.....
if you're not sabotaged or stopped by BW.
Don't assume he's not thinking about you..... it's not over yet.
Out of the State would be better.... but I already told you that.
HOW FRUSTRATING to lose your attorney.... were you able to salvage your case? It sounds like you did.
::sigh::
It's hard to remain so focused and on gaurd for extended periods of time.
I'm glad your enjoying clean white clutter free space in your home.... feeling safe with your puppy.
Counting small blessings is important.
Lighter
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Hi Missy Lighter-
I still don't know what happened with my once ubercompetent lawyer- I think as you do that it must have been a personal meltdown on his part - he went from creating beautiful documents with excellent citations, etc, to sloppy emails with "duped" docs (taken from a previous client) attached where the names weren't all changed, he had mixed up Plaintiff and Respondent parties, etc, AND he answered some items but not the divorce, thus a DEFAULT!!!!!! He would email that he was sick with Crohn's disease, etc and the same relative seemed to die many times as the main character in his excuses. I don't know, but at least I held it together until my exams were finished.
Yes, it seems that I have a great lawyer now, and it is a good break to be able to tend to my case myself and save money in the process- I feel like Moses' mother- but it is so wacky, and the time pressure is enormous- I wanted to leave town before, and may just relocate if I can get it together- I have never been anywhere so it would be fun (but daunting as well).
A lady was shot recently by her ex at a church that I used to attend, and I have had several weird incidents lately, very suspicious, so I am on guard about my safety. It helps to have the Board to "bounce things off on", and your smart advice is always appreciated Miss Lighter.
Hope you are feeling better and enjoying our beautiful world.
Love You,
Changes
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Hi-
The ridiculous legal drama continues-
I just got a set of docs sent by my former lawyer , even though I had informed him to cease work, and my new lawyer had informed him of the substitution of counsel. If only my former lawyer had been reachable and honest and had done the work properly and on time before- just like an abuser, he rushes to do things now, for money and maybe to cover his tracks due to the sanctions against him and the Default, etc. Anyway these new docs are wonderful- Such talent and mastery - but it does no good if the work isn't done on time and the issues are ignored, etc- I can imagine the misery of his clients with pressing custody issues, etc being ignored and the cases spoiled- so glad it's not me! There was a letter attached to the documents whining about a phone call I made where I was more insistent than usual, as he had ignored filings and I had to go to the court myself and get copies of the docs calling for sanctions because my lawyer was not available , and then try to deal with things in order to avoid further sanctions- it made me sick to my stomach when I called and found out that he had lied about his partnership, etc- I needed to get things straight and I had to read the documents to him, and was not happy at what was unfolding. It sounds like a divorce almost- ick, good riddance, legal acumen and all!!!! Hopefully, my new lawyer can use this stuff (it is excellent)!!!!
I guess the former lawyer is an N or a jackal , or both!!! I saw the ability but could not imagine that my lawyer would lie for no reason, not have anyone to get or return calls, let my divorce default, and be sanctioned for his lack of diligence. My new lawyer sent me a note he sent her saying "Hope You Enjoy The Screaming " in other words, trying to say that I am rager. I only wish that I had been a screamer as perhaps he would have done his job despite whatever is going out of control in his personal life...My new lawyer was shocked about how he mishandled my case, and now he is trying to blame me!!!
I just want my life back!
Love,
Changes
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I don't think we ever get our lives back.
We get something else.
I know I'll never be the same person again...
and maybe someday I'll understand why.
We're certai ly better informed about the darker, irrational side of human nature.
I have an idea you'll go on and make a difference in the legal system....
stretch victims limits and boundaries, perhaps?
No one will be able to make you doubt this reality ever again....
after you've survived it.
Not sure what that's worth.... but....
it's worth a hell of a lot to the victims that come after.
We can light candles along our path.... maybe share what we've learned and improve the way?
(((Change)))
You're a very special person.....
that much I know.
Lighter
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Light,
Yes I have to agree with you. I don't think we ever get our lives back like it use to be but I got a better one. I was able to stand on my own two feet with two kids and a dog. Even though I had less I gained more. Although it was a bad situation it was most definetly a good learning experience. And light I am still the same person just a little be wiser now and blonder and 10lbs heavier, 3 kids and 4 dogs, Ok so I added a kid and 3 dogs maybe my outisides has changed a bit (lol).
And Changes,
I have no doubt you will be a wonderfull attorney. Did you always want to be an attorney? You are in your first year of Law School right? How do you like it so far?
Your life is just going to get better. I feel good things are coming your way.
Love
Deb
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Lighter My Friend-
Thank you for your reply- the everlasting weirdness can be so isolating...you may be correct, we may never get our lives back, but simply move on to another phase- that sounds good as well! Lord, I am sick of revisiting the same psychodrama again and again with only superficial variations!!!! At least I get a few laughs in the meantime, though!
The whole system is so fraught with twists and turns- the judges, the lawyers, the clerks, even the messenger services can have such an impact on those poor souls depending on a fair shake- money and power so often tips the scales of justice the wrong way. Maybe the trial by fire system wasn't so bad after all- I had a professor who said that the modern trial system is a descendant of trial by ordeal, actually a type of ordeal itself- I never saw that before (I thought of it as a radical alternative), but now it seems so true!!! At least the verdict came quickly when one was dunked in the pool of water or one's hand thrust into the embers- and I don't think that any legal payments were required!
I was thinking about you Lighter, my nature and gardening loving friend, as I walked into the house this evening. I had planted night blooming jasmine and gardenia under my windows so I could smell their delicious scent in my dreams and as I came home, etc- I'm not a fancy gardener like you, but I like to think that you would approve my prosaic attempts anyway- the sky is so fresh and the scent of jasmine and a little whiff of roses is refreshing...that makes me happy. It made think of your descriptions of gardening and parties outdoors. I had to have a limb trimmed from the camphor tree recently and the smell lingered for quite a while and is now gone- I loved that too.
I am going to send the magnificent efforts of my former lawyer to my new lawyer- I think he served the papers to the OC anyway- his docs put my little writings to shame, it is really quite embarrassing (he did use the items I gave him to put it together, but I really hate my writing when I read his!!) Actually, the former lawyer's work will really free me up in terms of time and effort, and give me more peace about the OSC next week. It has been grueling , trying to put so many diverse things together in time, and now I feel that I have a reprieve of sorts, and at last the truth has been set down in print on legal docs! If I can get all of the other docs and photos, deeds, etc that my new counsel wants together first thing in the morning, then I am going to take myself to the beach tomorrow- I have gas (gasoline, not abdominal pressure!) and have completed my exams...It has been so long since I have been there, I keep pushing myself and not doing what I would really like to (I need to modify this pathological behavior somewhat)...
Tonight I am going to sit on my porch and enjoy the trees and night birds and flowers and critters. Thank you for setting me straight- I am always thinking things will resolve quite soon, and I need to be patient in order to endure and not lose sight of what I have now. Thank you! You are not only a style and gracious living maven, but a good counselor as well. Hope all is well, and God Bless you and your little ones.
Changes
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Hi Debkor-
Oh your dog pack sounds like fun- and there are enough dogs to keep up with the children!!! I love law school ( the study part- I hate the bureaucracy) - it is interesting and was a good thing for me in terms of focus while my life became more and more unraveled- I do hope that I have fewer crises and more money next term, though!
Thank you for sharing the good vibes about the future, Debkor- You are so generous with me, sharing your positive feelings, support and thoughts- it really does remake one's mind which in turn remakes one's life!
Thank you again, and much love to you and your sweet family!
Changes
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It's weird, Change.
That your first attorney submarined you and your case.....
it's part of the way things need to be.
For some reason..... that's going to be an important part of your history.
Not sure why.
I suspect it'll impact you not only legally...... but in your lifelong direction.
Could be wrong and I'm so hap hap happy you have that terrific writing of his to lessen your load.
Enjoy the beach, count your blessing and remember.....
put distance between you and BW when/if you can.
You have 2 friends here: )
Lighter
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deb.... I'm still trying to get used to picturing you with blonde hair.
How blonde is it?
Lighter; )
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Light,
It's not all blonde it's frosted. This time I did it myself and I like it better when they high light it with the foil at my haricutters. I sometimes dye it darker (reds) but the blonde always come through. I was a natural red head most of my life then in my 30's was the first time I did any color or bleach to it. I don't think I ever could go real blonde. But it is a difference I can see now that I'm older. At least framed around my face I would want it light. It brightens me up.
I want to try the three colors where you do it with browns, light browns, then blonde. I also let it grow and I don't know why because half the time I wear it in a pony tail. It's kind of long. Shorter under my chin in front then top middle of my back. So it gets real hot in the summer.
I know my haircutter is looking for me because I haven't been there in a long time........... because......... of my pony tails.......
and my homemade bleach job..... oh he is going to kill me.
Love
Deb
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((((((((((((((((((((Changes)))))))))))))))))
How lovely to have you back!!!!! Congrats on your studies!!!!
I am looking forward to reading through your new posts and reconnecting. Have to run now - in-laws (love them so much) due to arrive shortly.
Love, Beth
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Dear Changing,
I am so glad to see that you are OK and posting again.
I don’t post much but I read. When I read your posts, I gain such a deep sense of comfort.
You have a beautiful voice - soothing, reassuring, strengthening, wise, wise, wise, inspirational ….
Simply….wonderful.
You have been missed, and I would be very sad to see you leave.
BTW – I never understood “changing,” or “changes” as a nik for you - I have always seen you as “There.”
Much, much love to you and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you continue with the BW.
Peace
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Finding Peace!
There you are.
I was wondering if you'd left the board.
Are you doing OK?
Deb..... now I'm picturing you with red hair and blond highlights, around your face.
Odd isn't it? Still can't picture you salon frosted or home job frosted.
I think hair cutters expect us to go nuts at home every once in a while, btw.
I'm sure he'll be glad to see you: )
Lighter