Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: debkor on May 30, 2008, 11:25:29 AM

Title: My fears right now.
Post by: debkor on May 30, 2008, 11:25:29 AM

Ok so my nerves have been a little shot lately and I noticed that I seem to shut the *feelings* down*  and I can't seem to figure out how I do it.  Every now and then when I go into my unconscious I get struck by fear.  I feel it.  Really bodily feel it.  I get sick to my stomach, my neck starts to stiffen and I feel like crying from the Unknown.  So I push it back to unconscious level.  Don't ask me how.  I'm not in denial I just don't want to feel the fear of  nothing I can do about something at the moment. 

I have a Dr's appt with my S on Monday for a recheck of the MRSA and make sure it's not anywhere else or back.  Now when I see a cut on my S I get a little panicked.  Didn't before but since Appt is so close my fear is running.  Also my D had a check up and her pap smear came back abnormal and has to be rechecked on the 12 so I am on  heightened anxiety when I think about it. 

The odd thing is that although I bury it it's always there hanging just ready to surface with anything and I mean anything that may trigger it, the thoughts, the feelings. 

I am watching the crane that fell in NY right now and my thoughts went to my brother in law (who is construction worker) and fear set in and my S set in then my D set in. And everything feels like a crisis.  So I am pushing it back down again. 

It's the unknown.  The outcome.  The fear of fear.  And the time that has to pass to get it resolved and not in my control of anything.  That is a horrible feeling and I have to push it back.  I can't let it shut me down and I cannot afford to let it take over me. 

And it's funny because when you are able to deny the fear, push it back, not resolve it, and think your alright something comes along maybe not even anything to do with your fear and it comes out like a bull in a China Shop. 

I do think everything will be alright but this Fear of the unknown is horrible and feels like a lifetime waiting to just have it all Known and dealt with or relax.  I don't feel safe and it's a horrible feeling that we can't  always keep our children safe and some things are not in our control. 

So there I said it.  I usually don't and just operate as usual.  I feel better now saying it.  I am Afraid.  I do think things will turn out just fine but I am afraid right now. 

I have faced my fear.  I am naming what is making me afraid.  It's coming out in my dreams.  I don't remember them much but I am missing and longing for my Mom right now.  I only remember her in my dream wishing she didn't die and her saying I am here and feeling comfort. 

I am not superwoman and sometimes I need to break down and I think I did it in my dreams.  Still in operational mode but feeling better saying out loud.  I'm scared.

Wow I can't believe how much it has bothered me Deep inside.  I can't believe I said it.

I just thought about when the T asked me one time to name in one word what I was feeling with ex, no explanation, just what I was feeling and the answer was fear.  It makes sense now.  It was not anger, it was not, love, sadness it was Fear.

I had no time to feel that fear.  I had to squash it move on go straight through and get a plan, get out, get my kids out and not have a clue of the outcome.  My plans, my dreams, my life was changing and I had a big fear of the unknown so I went into operation mode, robot mode, fake it till ya make it mode. 

I guess that is a part of me eh? 

Love
Deb 

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: lighter on May 30, 2008, 12:36:06 PM

Awwww Deb.

It sounds like you're trying to keep from getting overwhelmed.

Nothing like perceived crisis, involving our children, to trigger fear and panic for a mama......  is there?

I think we're back to:

Being as proactive as we can.

Releasing outcomes and detaching from things we can't control, or else we do become overwhelmed.

I've had to come to grips with that reality over the last 15 years.

It's sinking in, thin layer after thin layer.

It will be OK....

I believe that.

I'm starting to live with less fear.... bc I don't have any choice.


It's not just a mantra anymore.... it's a belief I must embrace.

We can't control all the cranes and construction sites....

test results or outcomes in the world.

What we can do is acknowledge our feelings until we understand them fully....

 then be as proactive as possibe over what we can control.

Love your family with all your heart today.

Care for yourself....

bc it's the most loving thing you can do for them.

Be steady, balanced, supportive mom, no matter what.

You can't do that if you aren't getting your own needs met.

::saying prayers for Deb, her S and D::

Perhaps journaling will help?

It always helps me, though I sometimes have to force myself to do it when things are really bad.

((deb))

Lighter

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: Hopalong on May 30, 2008, 02:45:22 PM

()()()()()()()()()()Deb()()()()()()()()  rocking, rocking you

Anxiety SUCKS.
I suffered from free floating anxiety punctuated by terrifying panic attacks for years.

I can so relate.

I'm sure you know the practical short-term tools: no caffeine or alcohol, step up exercise a lot, meditation, yoga, prayer, and especially...3-D support.

I'm sending you calming caring vibes through the ether.

It's a horrible sensation but fear itself is just adrenalin squirting and won't kill you.

Me, I needed Rx. But it's so much better now.

With your courage, you will face the sensation over and over until it goes away, bored.
(And it will.)

love to you,
Hops

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: Changes on May 30, 2008, 03:23:33 PM

((((((Deb))))))

I can get overtaken by ceaseless dread myself- hope things ease up for you and you see the ups and downs as they are- just part of a changing landscape. Of course , that maternal instinct is important and should be cherished- it is good that you are on alert for your babies. As time passes, and you see that the crisis are over, things will get better and you will be able to relax your vigilance. Until then, I am proud of you, that you are doing the right thing for your little ones, and hope that you take comfort in being a good mommy, and feel confidence and peace.

Peace From Your Friend,

Changes

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: debkor on May 30, 2008, 11:50:52 PM

Thank you Lighter, Hops, Changes,


Your right I was feeling overwhelmed and I think I am getting sick, which didn't help, either a cold or allergies.  Yes, Hops, anxiety sucks but I can stop it by knowing I'm having it and sit for a few mins to let it pass. I never had to take meds for it and once I had it bad for about a month or so when I first moved out of my parents home about 21 and then didn't know what job I wanted and anxiety, whoo boy, hated it.  I bought a book about it and there was a part that said when you feel it rising count to 10 ans scream (not outloud) Stop! slap your hand on your thigh and picture a big red stop sign and count to ten feeling it go down in intensity. Now probably it wouldn't of mattered if I screamed stop! and carried a big red stop sign (for real)  on the subways in NY at the time.  I would have fit in with the rest of the Nuts (lol). There use to be a man who went around to the parking meters singing at the top of his voice downtown, OH I LOVE MY TOILET BOWL in opera and no one fluttered an eyeball.  So my stop sign would have been just fine (lol).   But back to the book.  I can't remember the book name but it worked.  I only  had anxiety when I forgot to carry  my book (lol).  Then I no longer needed it.  But I still have the book somewhere. 

I know when I get stressed I like to move.  I either clean or walk and sometimes exercise but I fell out of routine with it.  I really should start again.

I went outside into my garden and did some things.  Amazing how nature makes you feel better feeling the warmth of the sun.  So that relaxed me too.  I'm ok now.  I'm past my fear, I hope, and I am tired now.  It really drains you.   

So this has passed and thanks guys.

Oh and I spoke to a friend who said she had abnormal paps for 20 years all kinds of test and can't find anything wrong.  So I feel better. 

So like I said, I enjoyed the garden, cleaned the house, the laundry, the car (it smells really good to) cranberry scented and now I don't know what I'm going to do tommorrow (lol).  Maybe I'll paint or read and just chill. 

Love
Deb

 

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: Gaining Strength on May 31, 2008, 12:17:33 AM

Debkor, I am sorry to read about what you are going through.  I find anxiety to be the pits.  Your description of how it begins in one place and then morphs into is one of the worst aspects of fear/anxiety.

The odd thing is that although I bury it it's always there hanging just ready to surface with anything and I mean anything that may trigger it, the thoughts, the feelings.   I've learned the hard way that burying it does me no good - it just goes underground and keeps on growing.  Unfortunately the only way to get rid of it is to find the courage to go through it and identify what the source is. One way to do that is when you are in the midst of that fear ask yourself what it is coming from and you will see these weird little memories come floating up.  They may be memories that don't seem to hold fear or anxiety but if you keep looking at the memory and poking at it and prodding it until suddenly you find some other memoriy or experience is suddenly evoked and it may be that one or a couple of more layers down where suddenly find that triggering issue and THEN you've got it and you release it.

Any way - I'm sorry about what you are going through and I hope this next week brings you good news and some release - yours Shame Slayer - (GS)

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: lighter on May 31, 2008, 10:01:39 AM

Quote from: debkor on May 30, 2008, 11:50:52 PM

So like I said, I enjoyed the garden, cleaned the house, the laundry, the car (it smells really good to) cranberry scented and now I don't know what I'm going to do tommorrow (lol).  Maybe I'll paint or read and just chill. 

Love
Deb

 

One good feeling leads to another.....

sounds like you broke the fearful thought cycle.

It's so hard to do when you're overwhelmed and paralyzed with anxiety.

I'm going to picture you painting today..... though that picture includes a decidedly less blonde deb than described on Change's thread.

Then I'm going to picture you finding that book.... it's there somewhere :)


Lighter

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: Changes on May 31, 2008, 04:42:50 PM

Hi Debkor!

Glad to read that you are moving through and past the fears to the peace and confidence of living today!

And OH I  LOVE MY TOILET BOWL!!!! I had a good belly laugh with that one! Have a lovely Saturday Deb (while I scrub the you-know-what and sing to it!)

Love,

Changes

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: Izzy_*now* on May 31, 2008, 06:17:39 PM

Hmmmmmmmmmmm deb,

fear of the unknown....aren't you happy that you don't know the future?

SO! The Unknown--why that when you don't know it......I suspect that what you said "fear of fear" can be overcome...but I thhink if you search yourself, you will now what that fear is....

death?
life?
hammer toes?
price of gas?
being mentally healthy?
not being mentally healthy?
that ppl will learn you wear falsies? (mine when I was 14)

Be kind to yourself
Love
Izzy

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: debkor on June 01, 2008, 01:19:19 AM

HAHAHAHAHA,,

Izzy you are funny, funny, funny.

Well the fear is I don't trust the Dr's around here anymore.

Most likely it will be all fine and could be a false positive pap.  And the Doctors called her 6 weeks after the test.  That alone is odd.
I wonder if they screwed up the test.  This time I go with her.  She does not ask alot of questions.  I'm not crazy about the Dr she saw either but she's going back for the follow up and then take it from there. 

That is a long time to wait to call (6 weeks) later with results. Something don't sound right. My D never asked any questions about anything.  She is still young. 
 
I also went through  6 months of the Dr's not having a clue what was wrong with my son and pretty much making me Voiceless when i point and screamed and pointed again to his leg with the original problem where the first cut was.

Until I went a little Crazy ok A lot Crazy I think they knew, it was going to be, A Law Suit, if they screwed up anymore then they already had. 

I really don't think they were trying to ignore my son but WTF they had test for MRSA and had test for Cat Scratch!  They never did either, yet were going to cut the whole thing out, then tell me. 

I took him to a highly recommended Infectious Disease Dr 3 hours away.  Not only did he have MRSA it was his 2nd episode and the first was on his leg, WHERE I POINTED, in the beginning.  He also had Cat Scratch Fever. 

Now we go back to the regular Dr and he looks at me and says, oh yes, it started on his leg!!!!  WHAT!  Talk about Gas Lighting.

So my fear is:  The Dr. my D has is a Moron and my D has to ask lots of questions and is still very young and a little too trusting. 
I want to know why that test took so long to come back, or did it, did someone screw up?   Yes I was triggered big time by this.  I just got over the other episode with my son.

Now lets see:

Hammer toes?  .  I have Fred Flinstone toes. Fat and short. Yaba Dabba Do!
Life no No fear
Death,  hmmm, maybe a little.
Price of  Gas, OH hell Ya!
Being mentally Healthy, well if I'm not, then I won't have a fear to not be, because I'm crazy.  So No (lol)
Falsies?  Oh No, they  make the greatest Bras with the gel inside, I show everyone, LOOK at these, well not everyone.  And no one would want to see them anymore anyway, at this point I could put them in my pants pocket. *sigh*  Gravity sucks. 

Falsies at 14?  I never thought of that.  I was so flat chested.  Now days teenagers ask for implants for Xmas and some parents do it.  My friends D is 15 turning 16 and begging for implants and she don't need them.  It is crazy and all about image.  She screamed and carried on when her mom would not get her hair extensions last year for 350$ and told her mother she was selfish for buying her husband a TV he wanted and should of thought about her hair.

Do hammer toes look like little hammers?  Ew, looking at my toes, Nope, most definetly the Flinstones. 

Love Deb

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: lighter on June 01, 2008, 02:14:35 PM

oh Deb.....

I can't say enough about second, third and fourth opinions.

Doctors seem to be like attorneys in that.....

they're contstantly overburdened with so many clients and details they can't possibly do a good job for everyone.

The hope is.... you come accross someone who's dealt with what you've got.....

or.....

you find a very professional empathetic doctor....

who sees fewer patients but gets it right...

most of the time.

I 'd add a younger doctor and one about to retire (female) to my list, juts to round things out.

Trusting in professionals, who aren't getting it right.....

way too much at stake.

Way too much stress.

Lighter

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: debkor on June 03, 2008, 10:57:01 AM

Back from the recheck with my S yesterday.  All is good.  He looks great and has no symptoms of anything.  Dr left it to my call for more blood work and didn't think he really needed it.  My son looked terrified so I said no.  No more appointments needed for rechecks.  Now we go normal.  If anything shows up I just call and have him take a look at it.  I doubt we will need to do that.  It finally is over after 10 months HURRAY! 

He also said, I don't think you will want Plastic Surgery and he won't mind because of the area it is (groin) whoo boy it leaves a nasty scar. . 

So Again,  YEAH, IT'S DONE. 

DONE DONE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love
Deb

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: lighter on June 03, 2008, 12:22:45 PM

Yay! Yay for Deb and Son!

So glad the news was good :D

Lighter

Title: Re: My fears right now.
Post by: Hopalong on June 03, 2008, 04:46:25 PM

Whewwwwwwwww.

Glad to hear it, Deb.

MRSA is a scary thing...I have never known anyone to deal with it but remember a man on Project Runway had to leave the competition because of it.

xo
Hops