Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on June 04, 2008, 05:06:24 PM
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I thought I would take a moment to peep in here and give an update and see how everyone on the board has been. The house is about ready to move, and my partner and I are working on meshing lifestyles and tastes. Everyone knows about me now, even people at work, which is a big relief. My parents have disowned me. I haven't spoken to either of them since Easter. My son doesn't want to see his Grandma. The last time he saw her, she said some very nasty things to him, but I don't know what those were. My partner lost her job and money is tight, unfortunately, I'm having a hard time not spending it. Overall, things are very good.
I am surprised at how much it hurts to not have any family support. My T suggested I not talk to my brother for a little while, and I haven't for a couple of weeks. He did at least come to see the house and meet my partner. I haven't heard from him since. I talked about how I'm not really okay with not speaking to my family at my appt with my T this morning. I understand that if anyone makes a move toward reconciliation, it will have to be me, and I don't really want to do that. I've pretty much given up on getting my stuff out of her house too. None of it is packed, and most of it are things I don't really need. There are a few things I'd like to have, but most of the important things are with me now, and I'm getting rid of a lot of those so I can have a more streamlined, clutter free home. It's felt really good to toss things like cards and things I've kept because someone gave them to me, even if I didn't really like them. I've filled boxes of things with stuff for the moving in sale we're planning on having.
Hopefully, all will go well, and the NM will stay away.
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I'm sorry, Tayana. For your parents to disown you is so wrong.
I don't agree with the lifestyle choices of one of my grown daughters, but to carry that disapproval to the extent of cutting her out of my life... no way!
Your family is losing a great deal, by their own choice.
Just want to wish you the very best.
Carolyn
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Oh tay... so glad you to see you checking in.
To tell you the truth.... I'm a little relieved that your parents have initiated the distance.
I know your heart doesn't have the strength to do it for yourself and.....
once you've filled that space with more worthy loving spirits.....
it won't hurt so much.
In incriments, of course.
(((tay)))
Once again I remind you of how far you've come and congratulate you on your new home, loving relationship and superb mothering skills.
Though the lessons are violently painful.... you're learning things now, that most people wait a lifetime for.
Question: Why does your T want you to stop calling your brother for a while?
Lighter
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I have missed you so much and am so glad to see you. My heart breaks for you. I think we all need to distance ourselves emotionally from our toxic parents but on our terms not because they reject us. They have rejected us already in so many ways but to out and out reject is the greatest fear and my heart aches that you have experienced that.
I am so glad that you are moving into your home and that things are going well with your partner. The last I read of your post you two were going through a little bump in the road - so glad things sound good with you two now.
Love to you and your precious son. GS aka Shame Slayer
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Tay,
I am sorry, hon.
Oh ow.
I really really get it...and I'm so proud of you.
Better an honest open peaceful life
than being prisoner of their prejudice and fears.
This is grieving. You are entitled to grieve the real loss of hope.
But it's freedom, too.
You really have become real.
Like the Velveteen Rabbit, you've lost a few whiskers...
but you took the risk to love your own life, and open it up.
((((((((((((Tay))))))))))))
Hops
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(((((((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))))
So sorry.
tt
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Tayana,
Once you are over the pain, and if it sticks (if your mom doesn't decide she needs to needle you) this may be the best for you. In all honesty, I WISH I could separate from my parents (though I would feel sad about my dad). But it is so draining and so tiring.
I noticed you let us know about the good first - your relationship, the fact that you no longer need to hide, that life has promise. You have the right focus and you are strong.
I wish you strength to accept your parents' weakness.
Sending you lots of love, Tayana.
Beth
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aw hon... knowing our parents are really poor examples of human beings never really takes the sting out of being reminded of it.
It sounds like things are improving in lots of other areas, though, so try to focus on those for the time being.
Nice to hear from you again though! (I don't know if you know I changed to PhoenixRising from Shunned...)
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Thanks for all of the kind thoughts. My NM has sent a few things in the mail. I did send flowers for Mother's Day, and she sent a snotty thank you. She sent M a card a week or so ago to tell him she misses him. Ironically, he doesn't want to see her.
My T wanted me to distance myself from my brother a bit because she wants to see if he will contact me. I'm always the one doing the calling, visiting, etc. So far he hasn't called, but I"ve also been busy and haven't been getting home until late. She feels he has hurt me too, and she doesn't think I need that sort of negativity. I feel very abandoned by my family, and that has done nothing to help the anxiety and depression I've been fighting for over a year.
On the upside, I feel so much better without my NM's intrusions into my life. I'm sad, but at the same time, it's like a big weight has lifted off my shoulders. I would give a lot of money to know what my NM said to my son that made him not want to see her.
Currently, H, my partner, is unemployed and she's taking care of M, working on the house, and looking for a couple of other kids to watch. I stress a lot about money, but overall things are good. We've had some bumps and we've gotten over them. We both go to talk to the T sometimes. She went with me at my last appointment and we got several things straightened out, including that we're spending a lot of time making certain the other person is happy, and spending less time taking care of ourselves. We're supposed to work on that.
M will be going to some camps later in the summer, but we decided not to put him in a summer long program to save some money.
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Oh tay... I know the feeling of wanting our child to tell us something so badly....
but we don't want to make things worse, so we let it go.
My stomach flips when I think about how vulnerbale M is... how little care your NM has for anyone but herself.
Whatever she said.... it didn't just roll off him.
Aren't you just a little relieved she's not in a position to keep pouring poison in his ear?
I know I am.
You're a good mama..... it's easier for you to protect M..... than it is to protect yourself.
Distance from her is protection for you both.
Lighter
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(((((((((( Tayana ))))))))))
Painful though it is, some things are to the good.
My life has changed wonderfully with "no contact" with my mother.
Serenity - that nothing I can do will change her heart and harmful behavior.
Love, Leah