Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on June 05, 2008, 10:11:53 AM
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Just a couple of things. I am playing a weird game. Or I guess I am part of a weird game.......I do not want to be but I am. I have applied for many, many jobs. It seems either there are a lot of people out there vying for these jobs or if I do get an interview, I am their second choice. The only people who really want me are insurance companies and those kinds of sales jobs. The jobs I think they have a hard time filling................they are almost begging people to take them.
So here I am at work. I have told my mom I am looking for other jobs and that I WILL leave. So she totally stops coming in. She is NEVER there. But problem is, I don't care one iota either. So there is NO ONE running the store. I could care less and she never comes in. The bookkeeper is going to go to my mom and ask her why she does not turn it over. She will never let me have it. What I want is for her to move out of her office and give it to me. I want her to retire and just be done with it. I want her to go for the Vision For Life business and just let me do the bookstore..................but NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
So one day she comes in. I had set it up so that a car salesman would bring a van into our store (my mom had finally given my dad permission to buy a new van - his has 170,000 miles on it.....) My dad wears red every single day. He is a huge Nebraska fan. So I told the guy to bring him a maxed out red van. So the guy brings it to my dad land he oves it but my mom does not want red. They have driven beige cars for the past twenty years...............she says "that is the color of cars - taupe....." So she finally "lets" my dad have the red one. I go into her office and there are papers EVERYWHERE and she tells me she needs to talk to me but that she is not organized (she is never organized and is getting less so the older she gets.....) so I told her she could talk to me WHEN she got organized. Then I made some comment about dad loving the new van and how I was happy she relented and "let" him have the red one..............................
AND THEN SHE GAVE ME THAT FACE!!! THAT FACE THAT MAKES ME WANT TO RUN UP TO HER AND SLAP HER. IT IS THAT FACE THAT MAKES ME NEVER WANT TO WORK WITH HER AGAIN. IT IS THIS DISAPPROVING, UGLY, CONTORTED, "I DIDN'T GET MY WAY AND YOU WILL ALL BE PUNISHED......" FACE!!! THE FACE THAT MAKES ME HATE HER. THE FACE THAT HAS DUMPED SHAME AND GUILT ON ME MY WHOLE LIFE. THE FACE THAT COULD KILL THE SPIRIT AND SQUALSH THE CREATIVITY AND HALT THE GROWTH!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT FACE!!!
AND NOW I WILL GO TO MONSTER AND APPLY FOR MORE JOBS.........................................JUST TO GET AWAY FROM THAT FACE!
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Oh Kelly, the face, the face. I UNDERSTAND, Sweetie. I understand. LOVE Ami
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I want to bring a mirror with me and when she gives me that face I want to put a mirror up to it..................THERE MOM, LOOK AT YOUR FACE!
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Nothing will work, Kelly. Repeat 50 times and call me in the morning(LOL) Love Ami
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No, the only thing that will work is to NEVER look at her while I am at work. I try so hard to be civil. I walk in and make nice. Then she gives me the face. If looks could kill I would have been dead LONG ago........
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Yeah, but we are HALF dead,now(LOL) Ami
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Kell,
When my parents came to visit, we went out to breakfast...
We got into a discussion about coal and whether it would be found on the East or West part of Virginia (I am not kidding you here) and I disagreed with whatever she said, and she became so enraged that she had that nasty, twisted face...
I had to go to the bathroom, but she was in there and I was afraid to go.
You would think that at 39 one would not fear a parent, but I was breathless and terrified for that moment. Can you imagine????
You are getting there, Kelly. Soon you will be free.
Love, Beth
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Yes, Beth. I am afraid to talk to my mom as well. Whenever we get into a discussion (which is always) the evil mom comes out. She never comes out with an audience - only when we are alone. She is so evil and so awful. She comes to me to ask me questions and I realize...............she doesn't have a clue. She needs me. But she will never admit it - NEVER. She hates me. I am not what she wants in a daughter - a clone - a yes man. I just want to be out from under her FACE!!!!
I just wrote the counselor who told her I was Borderline Personality Disorder. I told him my concerns about not having the whole picture and how by "diagnosing" me that way it just made things worse for us. I told him I was convinced she had NPD and that I had been interviewed for the book NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
We will see if he responds.......or maybe my email will convince him that I AM borderline. I just kind of bitched him out for not getting all the facts, etc.
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Dear Kelly
I had to laugh at your comment "bitched him out for not getting all the facts".
I am STILL afraid of my M, Beth and Kelly.
I can get mad at people who remind me of her, but NOT her.
It is a bummer!!!! Love Ami