Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lollie on June 10, 2008, 09:58:40 PM
-
Why is it okay to label a member of the board with BPD or NPD? Why is okay to slap someone with the label of sociopath and psychopath? And why the rush to smooth everything over, remain neutral, or tell Leah that she has “stuff to look at and get over” simply because she was hurt and offended by another board member’s attack? This is not simply the sting of being called a “drama queen,” as bean mentioned in another thread. This is one layperson person slapping a psychiatric diagnosis on another. This is one board member accusing another board member of not having a heart or conscience, basically labeling them with the granddaddy of all psychiatric disorders.
It is not okay. Period. End of story.
The majority of people posing to this board have been wounded, for the most part, by someone in their lives who have a personality disorder. I would think that at least some people would understand how awful it would feel to be accused of having the same disorder as the ones who have hurt them most. Or being labeled period.
I am not posting this to add to any current conflict going on right now. I just think it’s something that needed to be said plainly.
-
lollie,
Thank you for expressing yourself in such a strait forward manner.
I agree with you, your words were helpful and a comfort on a very sad day.
thank you,
love seasons
-
Those posts were removed, I believe.
Lighter
-
Only just now, Lighter
-
((Leah)),
Thinking of you with love, may God be with you and comfort you today and always.
love seasons
-
Dear Lollie,
Grateful for your strength, courage and boldness, of which, is a clear testimony of your character.
And I thank you for precious validation.
"God Bless You"
Love, Leah
-
Dear Seasons,
Thank you so very much.
"God Bless You"
Love, Leah
-
((((((((Lollie, Seasons, Leah))))))))))))) Love Ami
-
Right On, Lollie!! :D
I admire and appreciate your integrity & courage for saying this.
I, too, wanted to express the same feelings, but based on past experience, I anticipated that the nasty ones would rally the gang and launch into attack mode, thereby perpetuating the animosity. It becomes an endless cycle of attack, defend, attack, defend, attack, defend, ad infinitum. It's a childish, negative cycle and is certainly not what I want to find on this board.
I think Leah has been treated abominably and has been targeted by those who seek to expel their bile upon her. Of course she feels hurt, who wouldn't?
Leah is a person of integrity who has been poorly and wrongfully treated.
I am not posting this to add to any current conflict going on right now. I just think it’s something that needed to be said plainly. Ditto
ann
-
Lollie,
Thanks for being plain and honest. I am sure I couldstick a bunch of labels to myself, and I would be mostly correct :) But I sure would feel hurt to have someone diagnose me. It is especially wounding when we are trying to get better and cannot understand why we have been called such a thing (for those with N parents, you know what it feels like to be labeled and try to figre out what you did to earn it).
(((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))
I hope the focus can stay on helping.
Love,Beth
-
I anticipated that the nasty ones would rally the gang and launch into attack mode, thereby perpetuating the animosity. It becomes an endless cycle of attack, defend, attack, defend, attack, defend, ad infinitum. It's a childish, negative cycle nd is certainly not what I want to find on this board.
I am not posting this to add to any current conflict going on right now. Ditto
ann
:shock:
Really?
Not posting to add to current conflict?
I've seen you do it at least 3 times, recently.
If you don't wish to find negative behavior on the board, then don't post negativley on the board.
That's my suggestion to you.
Now....
in the spirit of posting only with those who lift me up....
I'm moved to draw a boundary with you.
Please refrain from posting to me in the future.
I'm forwarding my request with Dr. G.
Thanks,
Lighter
-
Right On, Lollie!! :D
I admire and appreciate your integrity & courage for saying this.
I, too, wanted to express the same feelings, but based on past experience, I anticipated that the nasty ones would rally the gang and launch into attack mode, thereby perpetuating the animosity. It becomes an endless cycle of attack, defend, attack, defend, attack, defend, ad infinitum. It's a childish, negative cycle and is certainly not what I want to find on this board.
I think Leah has been treated abominably and has been targeted by those who seek to expel their bile upon her. Of course she feels hurt, who wouldn't?
Leah is a person of integrity who has been poorly and wrongfully treated.
I am not posting this to add to any current conflict going on right now. I just think it’s something that needed to be said plainly. Ditto
ann
YES, Ann! It is hard to let those you care about be hurt---hard, hard ,hard! Oh Lord, give me the strength!I really don't care for myself, any more,but I care when others I care about get hurt. Just consider yourself important, smart, saavy, witty enough to BE attacked. That is my POV, for what it is worth. Love, Ami
((((((((Ann)))))))))))
-
If I might add- anyone who might be tempted to taunt , silence, or send me packing with silly sophomoric allusions to their fantasies by inserting "lighter" and "Finding Peace" in superficially friendly posts to me- "It Is Not Okay".
Best Wishes For Greater Heart and Harmony,
Changing
-
Dear Ann
I see another of my lessons. I feel very depressed when behavior is "crazy" around me and *I* am told it is NOT happening. I feel very depressed right now, sadness pouring on me b/c up is down and down is up, JUST like with my M.I KNEW what was right, good, beautiful, valuable, but my world told me that what was UGLY and tawdry was beautiful. NOOO, I see why Bill stood up for me. He loved me and could not see me hurt. I love Ann and could not see her hurt. Life has meaning if I can SEE wrong, evil , the dark side. That is what she stole, the ability to see EVIL. I can see it ,now. There IS a right and wrong. My M screamed ,'There IS no right or wrong",but there is.Yes, there is. *I* can see evil and still stand. That is what I could not do, as a child.
Ami
-
Lollie,
THANK YOU!
Oops
-
Dear Ami-
I agree with your observation that covert cruelty, enacted repeatedly but denied, inflicted with a smile and a veneer of friendship, is the most poisonous and vicious sort. What a waste of life- does it really make anyone feel better? There may be a momentary feeling of petty triumph- but surely the perpetrator must have a hollow feeling , indeed.
Changing
-
I get it . Too bad it took me this long. I get it. Peace ---ALL. Ami
-
I guess I've missed something while I've been sick.
But ya know? I have no desire to catch up with it, either. It's of absolutely no use to me, and dare I say it?
To anyone else...
-
Good for you, Amber. Ami
-
Dear Ami-
I only wish that I could somehow recognize immediately when I am being used for sport and worse by someone that I feel I can trust - the hurt is very deep, especially when I am at a vulnerable point in my life. But I can learn, hopefully.
Changing
-
Ditto's ,Changing
-
Again, anyone who might be tempted to taunt , silence, or send me packing with silly sophomoric allusions to their fantasies by inserting "lighter" and "Finding Peace" in superficially friendly posts to me- "It Is Not Okay". Please do not expect me to participate in any of these sorts of vicious antics at my expense- use your time and blessings for better things.
Best Wishes For Greater Heart and Harmony,
Changing
-
Peace to you, Changing. May you walk forward in peace . Ami
-
Thank you Ami- I commend that thought. If everyone were sincere and would genuinely wish peace to others, instead of using the pretense of goodwill as a method of getting closer in order to inflict a painful wound simply for the thrill of doing so , so much needless harm would be avoided. It is truly the unkindest cut- surely life is too short to hurt others simply because they trust and one is thereby given the opportunity. The road to peace is paved with sincerity, respect, and love for others.
-
I am sorry that s/one has to act like that. I am grieved. Ami
-
Thank you, truly.
Changing
-
I guess I've missed something while I've been sick.
But ya know? I have no desire to catch up with it, either. It's of absolutely no use to me, and dare I say it?
To anyone else...
Hi, PR.
What happened was pretty significant to the person who was hurt by being labeled. And it was pretty painful to some of the people here who witnessed it as it unfolded. I know it was painful for me to witness.
I'm glad you missed it...I'm glad for anyone who missed it...and I hope your sinus infection is getting better.
Lollie
-
thanks lollie...
I HOPE I'm getting better! My coworker who's had it longer is still sneezing, stuffed up... etc.
I've decided to not post on those threads - or READ - when the situation turns volatile, no matter who is involved. Only way to prevent myself from being collateral damage - or misunderstood myself. You know what they say about "good intentions"...
and besides, I'm not getting any younger! Life's too short for these things when one's participation isn't absolutely required.
-
Please know that I respect your personal choice, dear Amber.
However, for general enlightenment, I would like to share of DreamSingers information ... which is pertinent to ALL interactions:
Relational Aggression
Relational Aggression, also known as covert bullying, social aggression or female bullying, is a psychological and emotional form of abuse, hiding behind a smokescreen of lies and manipulation. Relational aggression uses relationships to inflict injury upon another. It's characterized by gossip, teasing, slander and exclusion.
It is mean and cruel.
Contrary to common misconception, relational aggression is not exclusive to females. It mirrors the manipulative political philosophy of 15th century Niccolo Machiavelli, who many herald as a political genius, and whose practice is still alive and well among many areas of our culture.
It is not a girl thing. But it is a problem in female relationships (and male, though they may be experienced somewhat differently).
Principle Players of Relational Aggression
Aggressors are those who use a relationship or relationships as a weapon, to bully, intimidate, control and/or punish a targeted person. The aggressor can be an acquaintance of the target or a dear friend. She can be a long-standing enemy or a new rival.
Targets are the ones who stand in the line of fire. They are often the aggressor’s peer, however, relational aggression can cross all socioeconomic and cultural lines, as well as race, age and sex. No one is afforded automatic immunity.
Collaborators are those who actively join the aggressor, to whatever degree. They can start out as active participants and co-instigators, or they can be, initially, bystanders who are drawn into the drama of relational aggression. They are the relationships through which the aggressor channels most of her negativity toward the target.
Silent Witnesses are bystanders who do not actively participate in any way, either to support the aggression or to stop it. Usually, they feel powerless or fearful to help. Many wind up struggling with guilt for their inaction and may find it difficult to make peace within themselves long after the aggression has stopped.
Enablers are a unique group of bystander, who carry some kind of authority or status within their social network. They can make a difference by virtue of their standing, but don’t. For whatever reasons, they choose to look away or trivialize what little they’re willing to see. This behavior often serves to legitimize the relational aggression, and so in this sense, enablers are not only bystanders but indirect collaborators.
Basic Anatomy
The Drawn Back Bow: Something is said or shared with a third party - a rumor, an assertion, an accusation, a biting remark. It is the springboard from which the damage is done, the precipitating event that becomes the excuse or reason. It can be true or untrue. What matters is the purpose for which it is used.
The Arrow: It affects others - how they look at you and treat you. It's what aggressors hurt you with. Not the information or rumor, itself, as much as the affect it has on other people and their subsequent relationship with you.
The Wound: It affects you - the pain you feel, how you feel about others and how you feel about yourself, as a result of other people's treatment of you. The wound can be little or big. It can be brushed off or eventually healed. For some, it can last a lifetime.
That's why, when someone tells you it doesn't matter what someone else thinks and admonishes you to rise above it, they miss the point, because it's not about someone's opinion or words.
It's about relationships and other people's behavior, because of someone's opinion or words. Sometimes you can walk away. Many times you can't.
This is what relational aggression is all about - inflicting damage through other people.
The rumors and accusations are just a means to that end. Whether childish or serious, true or false or somewhere in between, rumors and accusations are designed to elicit an emotional response from others, with the intention to incite them to hurt you, in some way.
Relational aggression, also, involves more physical abuse, such as "accidental body slams", taunting, teasing, censuring, alienating, and other means to cause the suffering of another person.
The key trait is that whatever methods are used, it is done in concert with and through others.
Relational aggression affects and hurts everyone - aggressor, target, collaborator and witness, alike.
But bear in mind, relational aggression isn't so much about a specific person, a "bitch" we love to hate, as much as a state of mind; a set of choices we all can make. The roles described above are fluid. It's so easy to go from target to aggressor or silent witness to collaborator in just one breath of a choice.
So be mindful of your choices and make them wisely.
Source: http://www.relationalaggression.net/ (http://www.relationalaggression.net/)
Edit in:
Ironically, I have just realized that this subject "Relational Aggression" was posted over on the What Helps board on March 09, 2007 http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=4364.0 (http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=4364.0)
-
((((((( Ann )))))) and (((((( Oops )))))))))
Genuinely respect your integrity, courage and boldness.
"God Bless You"
Love, Leah