Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on June 12, 2008, 09:17:29 AM

Title: The opinion of others.
Post by: Lupita on June 12, 2008, 09:17:29 AM

What other people think of us is not important. The only thing  important is what we think about us. I know I did a good job at my old school but they say I did not. I know I am an excellent teacher although they say I am not. I know the truth. They say they are Christian and I know thay are not.

My point. If other people think we are something we are not, it does not matter.

If we meet with opne person we have one opinion, if we meet with two, we have two, if we meet with 27 or 327 people we have 327 opinions. How can we control that? We cant.

We cannot control what others think and soemtimes we cannot even control what we think our selves. So, if we have enough reason to suffer for our families and real friends, why to suffer for other pople's thoughts? I have anough to suffer with my thoughts.

I do believe that at the end of the day we are left with our selves alone, and what we think about our selves alone and only.

When we die we will not take anybody with us or anything.

I hope that somebody relates to this.

Love to you all.

Please, pray for me. I do not want to go hungry.

God bless you.

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Gaining Strength on June 12, 2008, 09:23:26 AM

I relate to that Lupita.  At the end of the day if we are strong enough to know who we are then 1000 lions at the gate cannot  destroy us.

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: darren on June 12, 2008, 09:25:57 AM

I relate to this.  I went through a horrible 5 year relationship full of abuse... the covert invalidating kind.  Over the years the girls actions had a way of getting to me.  She spread lies and twisted events to make me the bad guy, and after several years of it I pretty much started believing it myself.  It was like brainwashing.  The turning point was when I realized there was a part of me that I was responsible for that was letting it happen, that I brainwashed myself with negative thoughts.  I recognized I had a problem with validating my emotions and my image of myself.  

At the time I didn't realize that I didn't need another person to validate me... a person had an incorrect perception of me and it drove me up the wall until I started learning it was my own perception that mattered.  As long as I loved myself, it didn't matter who loved me or didn't.  

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Leah on June 12, 2008, 09:27:26 AM

Dear Lupita,

I wholeheartedly agree, and please know that I am praying for you.

Invalidation of someone, in Relational Aggression, is very cruel.

One can only stand guard in the garden of ones own mind - as the gatekeeper

against any intrusiveness.

God Bless you.

Love, Leah

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Lupita on June 12, 2008, 09:31:34 AM

And then, Darren and SS, it is true. Just the love for one self can save us.

Then we start fighting, how to love our selves when we have been progammed not to?

Mirrir wirk listen to CDs, doing affirmations, meditation, counceling.

It is work of everyday, it is an effort. A constant effort.

But, I insist, we need to care for our selves and love our selves and not to give importance to the opinion of others.

How not to, that is the effort, how not to care.

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Lupita on June 12, 2008, 09:46:08 AM

I have seen so much pain in people here, at work, friends, family, of course my self, so much pain for what we percieve as a misconception of us but other people, that I had to make a thread about it.

The only important opinion of us is our opinion of us!!!!!

The only love we need is the love for our selves.

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Lupita on June 15, 2008, 04:09:31 PM

I always say we should not get mad about the opionions of others and we need not to get mad or try to control others or to convence others of our point of view.

Still, it is very difficult, I was mad about a behavior of GFM, and there is no reason for me to be mad. I was just furious.

I was mad because the secretary did not want to print me a worship leader sheet so I can follow the order of worship and be more alert when I have to play. But she just did not want to. No cost for her. I gto mad. Again against my own rules.

Any ideas? Anybody rellates to this?

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Leah on June 15, 2008, 04:27:48 PM

Hi Lupiita,

There is nothing wrong with having an opinion of others, we ALL do I think, generally in life.

It's how we choose to walk with that opinion, in our thoughts, words and actions - our choice of behavior.


Regarding the situation you mention, I think, assertive discussion -- with highlighting your need to have a printed copy of the worship leader sheet - for the order of service.   

Which to me, sounds not only reasonable - more like vitally necessary for you to function in your role.

Then if the secretary still declines, mention to her that you have no alternative but to seek a copy from her superior (the person she reports to for her duties).

Love, Leah

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Lupita on June 15, 2008, 04:37:39 PM

Thank you for your words Lea. In this case I am not asking what to do. I am asking why to get mad? Why to care?

It is not important. We cannot control others. But we, all, have the tendency to control others, from the most simple thi ng like trying them to agree with us in something minimum to big desicions. It is embeded in us as human beings. But if we do not try to control others we would be much happier.

In the book by David Burns he says that we need to give at least a ceratin percentage of truth to what the other person is saying even if we think that it is totally stupid. But we do not do it. We reufse to do it.

We get mad for things that we should not get mad. Why to be less happy for an action that I cannot control? That will not make things ant better,

That is my point, not what to do about the secreatry. I know what to do about her, there are one thousand possibilities about how I could handle that situation. But there is only one possibility in how to feel good and have inner peace wich is the only and most important goal in my life. Not to get mad for things that other people do or say. I am tired of suffering. I am tired of being offended. I am tired of seeing people being offended.

That is one of the beggest problems, people being offended for things that are not a real offense. Things that have nothing to do with us as a person.

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Leah on June 15, 2008, 04:40:34 PM

Hi Lupita,

I used your situation as an example.

Simply knowing yourself, and being assertive.

The truth in that situation was that she could have, and should have, freely given you a printed copy.

Love, Leah

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Leah on June 15, 2008, 04:45:56 PM

Hi Lupita,

Do you mean being easily offended ?

Feeling offended when in actual fact no offence was intended toward you?


Which could be a misunderstanding of words or actions.

Leah x

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Lupita on June 15, 2008, 04:59:49 PM

Hey Lea, we are almost having a conversations. I love it!!!!


Yes! being offended. But with the difference that it does not matter if the intentions of the offender was to offend or not.

I am not saying offended wihtout reason. I am saying offended with or without a reason.

Even of the persons intended purposefully to offend us, still, there is no reason to be offended.

Suffering is an option. We can always opt not to suffer. It is a choice. But we do, we suffer instead of doind the opposite.

We need not to care about others opinion.

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Leah on June 15, 2008, 05:09:50 PM

 :)   Lupita,


Well, to me personally  -  there is a BIG difference.

1)  Feeling offended due to a misunderstanding - hopefully be resolved with communication and understanding what was really meant by the other persons words or actions.

2)  Feeling offended due to someone purposely setting out to offend -- is in fact feeling hurt by someones intentional words or actions.  That is in effect ABUSE and every reason to feel hurt.


Caring about oneself means taking care of oneself with boundaries and choices -- and saying NO to being abused -- and NOT blindly accepting it.

Herein is my opinion!

Love, Leah

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: lighter on June 15, 2008, 08:07:49 PM

Hey Lupe.....

 it always helps me to pull back from confrontation and ask myself....

"Hmmm... I wonder why this person is acting that way?"

You never know what others are dealing with and we don't have to let them transfer their aggression or upset us.

We can be glad we're not them, rise above, detach and continue forth with our day.

How's the meditation going?

Lighter

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Lupita on June 16, 2008, 09:01:02 AM

Lea. my point is we can enforce boundaries without suffering, without being offended or mad.

Light, it does not matter why the other person does whatever she or he does. We cannot control what others do or feel or think.

So, just we need not to care about other's opinion.

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Leah on June 16, 2008, 09:16:02 AM

Hi Lupita,

I think, that all one can ever do is to be true to ones authentic self, with integrity, and be responsible and accountable for ones own choices -- ownership of ones thoughts, feelings and actions.

With personal boundaries, assertiveness (not aggression) - and respect and consideration for others.

Love,

Leah

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Lupita on June 16, 2008, 12:24:26 PM

Still, I do believe that there is no need gto be offended, no mater what is the intention of the other person.

No need to be offended. To be offended is a choice, to feel hurt is a choice. Others my try to hurt us, that is thier choice, but it is our choice to suffer for it. I t does not matter what the intention os te other person is.

No need to be offended. No need to suffer.

Now, I am not saying I do it, I am sayin I agree with it, althought it is difficult to do it.

But if anybody can get it, it is very healthy.

Title: Re: The opinion of others.
Post by: Leah on June 16, 2008, 12:28:30 PM

(((((((( Lupita )))))))))

I hear you expressing your boundary, loud and clear.

Creating our own boundaries, and speaking them, is truly liberating and wholesome.

Best to you,

Love, Leah