Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: ellen on August 27, 2004, 05:18:33 AM
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Hello- Its funny, but losing a twin is triggering all of my childhood pains too. Its like all my old grief has become bundled in with this event because of the miscarriage, and then the sting of knowing that I have no parent or extended family that I can go to for comfort on any level. It feels harsh.
I know I am grown, but my sadness is kind of primal. A heartfelt "I'm sorry" is something I'm never going to hear from them. My mom would either laugh or lecture. My desire is to have a sorry for the loss, sorry for your hurt, I acknowledge your pain...(in a nutshell). But if they acknowledged my pain, then I wouldn't have narcissistic parents! I found myself crying to my dead dog instead (she gives me more comfort), and that helped.
Husband cried alot as the baby died on the ultrasound. I was in shock and didn't until he went to work. Hours later, grief hit me like a whirlwind. I had started out with triplets, and they are slowly fading away. If the last one dies, I am really going to wonder why me. The chance of this happening was under 2%.
My mom was an abusive nightmare, but she gets 2 kids. I have struggled with infertility, etc. and years of therapy to be able to be present and conscious for a future family and the babies are leaving anyway. I don't get it. I guess I can't get it. It has made me realize that I still have to work on wanting a parent/family member in times of crisis, because that is an unrealistic wish. There's no shortcut through pain though, at least I'm cognizant of that, even if I haven't processed it emotionally.
Oh, ironically, days after my last post, my parents gave me a significant amount of stocks (in my name only, totally legit and foolproof) and I'm no longer struggling financially. Its very weird that that "need" (desire) got met, only to lose the deeper desire that created it, which was a safe, secure future for my kids (as I'm down to one now, if they stick around).
I'm trying to stay positive, but its hard to be attatched to the pregnancy now. Also, I fought so hard for the twins when my husband insisted on abortion. Now he's devestated, its all too much drama for me. I walked away from my family because of dramas, and now dramas are coming to me like this with the new family I'm trying to create? How weird is that. Still trying to figure out what I am supposed to learn from all this... :cry:
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Ellen,
Oh, Ellen....this is so, so sad.
I am so sorry this happened. Pain upon pain...it must be for you.
((((((((((((((((Ellen))))))))))))))))))
flower - saddened by your loss
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So sorry for your loss Ellie. :(
www.positivethoughts.com/angelfeather.htm
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Dear Ellen -
I was shocked when I read your post this morning. Please let me express my deepest sorrow over your tragic loss. Words are not enough, but please just know that others are hurting with you.
Healing hugs and prayers,
Michelle
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Dear Ellen,
:( I am so sad to hear about your loss.
Hugs,
Lisa
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Dear Ellen,
My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for your loss. We here acknowledge your pain and if there is any consolation.. consider us as your "internet" Family, always here for you no matter what.
<Hugs>
genuine
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Ellen,
I am so sorry for your loss.
Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. You have a right to be confused and angry that your Nmom got to have kids easily and then did not treat them lovingly, but you're struggling to have your children.
You are right - it does not make any sense!
Please know that we all care for you and grieve with you. You're not allone in this. You can pour your heart out here, when there is not a safe refuge with you biological family.
Hugs :cry: :cry: :cry:
Ellie
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Dear Ellen,
:( I'm so sorry to hear the tragic news. My prayers are with you.
I wish I knew what to say or could just be there to hold your hand.
Hugs, Seeker
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Dear Ellen,
so sorry to hear of your loss.
i hope you could somehow trust in the universe, and be reassured that there is order and a bigger picture, and a higher purpose.
it may be that it was not a good time to meet your desires of a dream family at such point in your life. maybe there are other things that are meant for you. hope you will be open to such ideas and find peace in your life.
you have alot of friends in the forum here. hope you continue your journey toward recovery of the past and to live life fully.
ch
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Oh Ellen, I am so very sorry for your loss. You see all these words of comfort coming your way from this board, that's how important you are. We are sharing your grief so that it will lighten your burden. God bless you Ellen and your precious children and husband.
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Ellen, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know how life can seem so unfair! You have waited so long for this and for this to happen must seem beyond devastating. I have lost a child as well. Words cannot describe the grief that goes with this. Cry as often as you feel the urge. Take care of *you* right now. Try to spend some time alone with your husband so you can soothe each other. You will get throught this, Ellen. I know that now it doesn't seem like it. Do you see a therapist? If not, it may be a good time to find one just to help you through this trying time.
With Love,
-El
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I too Ellen am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
I hope that you might be able to take time to surround yourself with peaceful, soothing things - quiet music, walks in the park -whatever it is for you - just taking in all the warmth your friends, the board and the world has to offer.
Les
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Ellen,
I admire your strength so much throughout all of this; that you are *open* to what you can learn from this tragedy.
In addition to your beloved deceased pet, please know that you can cry to the board too. I know very, very well how it feels to have little or no sense of family.
There's no shortcut through pain though, at least I'm cognizant of that, even if I haven't processed it emotionally.
When you make it through and see the light at the other side, you will have some incredible strength and power.
Love to you,
Dawning.
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Ellen,
I'm very sorry. My condolences on your loss.
bunny
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Ellen, i just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss, both your recent loss and the loss of comfort from family members who cannot or will not support you at this time.
Everyone goes thru this experience differently, but I feel a kinship with you. 19 years ago i lost twins in my fourth month of pregnancy. fortunately, i had my mom and sis to lean on, Ndad was the "oh, well" type, and hubby either didn't share my feelings or couldn't express them.
I'm so sorry for your grief, your lost hopes, and the hopeless feelings that come after losing a child. please know i'm thinking about you.
bobbie
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....
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Ellen
No words can adequately express the grief you must feel. My heart goes out to you at this tim and my prayers include you and your family.
Max
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Ellen,
I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
Best wishes,
Richard
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Ellen, so sorry to hear about your loss, I hope the other baby is still ok. This is so very sad, I feel so badly for you. I lost a baby once too.
Lizbeth
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Hi Ellen, I hope you are okay. I really hope you are looking after yourself. Please don't forget to look after you. I'm sorry for your baby. P
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Hi Ellen,
I am sorry for your loss as well. I can identify with you as I had infertility problems also - 6 miscarriages in all. After my first miscarriage, my mother whispered in my ear "you'll never have any kids because you're too selfish". This from a woman who had 8 kids - I often wondered like you - why was she allowed any?
Anyway, the "reason" she made that comment was because I was joking around with a few of my siblings at an alumni banquet and we were saying how we didn't like the pickle loaf sandwiches she used to buy for our lunches for school. Nice, huh?
Even though I don't remember my Mom being a good mother, she construes any kind of comment as an insult. I remember just saying one time that I was having dental problems that were quite serious at the time. She didn't like me saying that and stated that she always took us to the dentist and made sure we were taken care of....which she did. But I was in my early twenties and for whatever reason I had dental problems which obviously ticked her off. It was like I was accusing her of something when I was just stating a fact. What a piece of work!!!!
Anyway, I got to the age of 40 and decided to quit trying to have kids. But I hope you do succeed in carrying the baby left to term. It doesn't help with the feeling of loss of the others though I know.
Hang in there, Ellen. We're rooting for you!
MM
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Dear Ellen,
In the midst of the most horrible time of my life two years ago, I couldn't believe how much grief I could put up with. Like you, I couldn't understand why..Why?
The posts before mine express so well the fellowship and camaraderie available here. Please know that i'm thinking of you right now and praying that life's hurts will shortly be replaced by life's blessings.
I recently was reunited with my birth mother who had a horrible time after she was forced to abandon me. Throughout all that ( 41 years!!), she never once forgot about me and what I meant to her. The silver lining in my cloud is knowing that today.
All the best to you and your husband,
take care,
Nic :)
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Dear Ellen,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there were words to ease your pain. Please know that you and your husband are in my prayers.
Much love,
Dinny