Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on June 16, 2008, 10:54:51 AM
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Well now. I've had sort of a breakthrough in understanding, via my work on smoking.
The explanation starts with Twiggy's (pre-trauma) heart-felt wish to experience as much as she could....
Twiggy believed that through experience - and only through experience - would she be fulfilled, in this life. She didn't really understand how profound that belief was... and didn't understand how it worked, at that time.
What Twiggy understands now, is that experience of self, life, the universe = feelings.
Twiggy experienced some things, in that time, that some people never have to deal with - the bad stuff that happened. If she'd been lucky enough to have a wise person to help her at the time, she probably would've been able to accept the feelings; the experiences; the reality of what happened - and LET IT GO.
Instead: Twiggy was so extremely and intensely invalidated - her experiences said to be "only" hallucinations due to a head injury; her feelings said to be completely inappropriate (well - YEAH - without validation of the experiences!!); and her behavior so completely controlled by her mom....
... that Twiggy came to believe that this experience - those feelings - were permanent. That this experience and those feelings were the ULTIMATE TRUTH about her. And that this TRUTH would NEVER CHANGE. It was PERMANENT.
So, Twiggy hid - what she remembered, her experiences, those feelings - she hid in my unconscious. And to "carry on" - it was necessary to pretend, disguise real feelings, to meet the unfair expectations of my mother - to SURVIVE. And yes, smoking was woven into that method of survival, as I've described on the smoking thread... smoking was the Hansel & Gretel bread crumb trail BACK to the reality that was so effectively denied. The desire to "protect" that real self from any additional invalidation - the black hole of non-existence - became an obsession.
Obssession gets fueled by new experiences - present ones - that seem to confirm the original invalidation ONLY because of belief in that ULTIMATE TRUTH... and the belief that truth never changes. Ultimate truth - like God - is unknowable. Truth in life DOES change - collectively and individually. When a present experience "confirms" a mistaken belief... an unconscious process of creating a continued reality based on that belief dominates one's life; it controls the person in an endless cycle, like the symbol of a snake swallowing it's tail.
And the ONLY way out of that self-perpetuating cycle is LETTING GO. Letting go = self-acceptance. Seeing my self the way I am - thinking my own thoughts - validating for my SELF, my own feelings.
Through Letting Go, I have a chance to CREATE my self (to CHANGE habits & routines: physical, mental & emotional) - based on other beliefs - continuously.... and be free of the obsession; free of the need for "clues" back to my self.... because by letting GO of the obsession & belief that blots out any other belief or feelings or experience, I am my SELF.
TRUTH, for me, is that feelings come and go... ALL feelings. None of them are permanent.
TRUTH, for me, is that I don't need to fear that extreme intensity of invalidation ever again - because I no longer have that same vulnerability. All present day invalidations (yes, they still exist - they are PART of life, interacting with people) pale in comparison.
And FREEDOM is accepting my SELF and beginning to CREATE new patterns & habits in my life - these are required BEFORE letting go the old ones or at least, doing both at the same time.
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Wow... I had to read that twice, Amber.
How do you keep sight of all the lessons....
so they don't slip away?
Lighter
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If she'd been lucky enough to have a wise person to help her at the time, she probably would've been able to accept the feelings; the experiences; the reality of what happened - and LET IT GO.
OMG Phoenix Rising. This is precisely my lament since I was a young adult. It continues to be and it actually gets into me questions about theology. “Ask and it will be given.” Really? If only, if only there had been someone wise and kind who saw something within me worth salvaging – if only.
Letting go = self-acceptance. Seeing my self the way I am - thinking my own thoughts - validating for my SELF, my own feelings.
What led you here? What steps did you take? I'm not sure there is such an answer to those questions but I have been watching your progress and you have been moving in this direction steadily. Can you articulate what you are doing that is clearing the way for these insights to emerge into your consciousness?
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SS: I was hoping I'd hear from you!
Ask and ye shall receive is my method. But, in the case of work with and on myself... I am asking Twiggy - my unconscious self; my inner child - the one who was already older than her years when she had experiences that some people never have. Twiggy is the source of the insights. Twiggy KNOWS. Then, when she brings me a feeling-thought or feeling-idea... I think about it in the context of what is now a complete chronology of my life. Twiggy had to fill in some of the big gaps in that chronology for me, before I had the context. Sort of emotional forensics...
It's taken 3 years so far, of almost constant work with Twiggy - and we're not quite done yet.
Self-Acceptance and learning to let the old obsessions/habits/beliefs/patterns go, involves more work with how/why I self-abuse. And at the moment, I believe it was because I was taught - pushed even - to blame someone else for my feelings. To not be responsible for my own feelings, wants, and who I was/am.
As long as I blamed my mom... she still had her hooks in me; controlling me; devouring my real self... actively keeping me AWAY from (through anger & fear) my REAL SELF. All because the blame tied me to her, emotionally.
The way out is to validate myself (Twiggy), I think. To stop blaming my mom for who I am now... to OWN completely my self-abusive patterns and love them away, as any real parent would. To provide a more positive option to Twiggy, than continued self-abuse. Show her the way. And then, let her decide... let her lead... let her make the changes.... being patient, understanding, and kind - but firm in my intent to help her out of the self-perpetuating cycle of self abuse.
THIS is what I mean by self-acceptance.
When I ask why? I don't let my mind try to come up with answers. If the answers pop in, I use a creative brainstorming technique - put it all down, THEN evaluate it - and if it's just dancing around getting the "heart" of the matter, I wait until Twiggy brings me one of those feeling-thoughts... and I simply listen... letting her WRITE for a while. Then I go back like with the mental static, and evaluate... put it into context and see if it makes sense or if it brings up more questions.
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((((((Amber))))
I wish I could just hug you.... really.
Light
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Maybe we should just have a picnic and everyone meet in 3-D! :D
You want to host, Lighter? I need a road trip, anyway.... always clears my head to drive.
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This is going to serve as a farewell post - because I've reached the end of this work on obsession and self-acceptance; the end of the puzzle about smoking; and because I had realized how my board participation is keeping me trapped in the obsession.
It's a farewell post - FOR NO OTHER REASON - than that where I am now and my next step, requires me to leave. I'm sure some people will think otherwise about my reason - hey! go for it! - if you can't take this explanation at face-value, that isn't my problem. And there's simply no need to argue about it anymore.
So, here goes.
In the experience of writing the post in Healthy Community about how I think it's unfair that the "rules" are enforced unequally, I discovered something worth sharing with everyone. Recall - I wasn't requesting a thing from Dr. G; no changes; no protection or stepping in to settle anything. All I did was point out that Ami & Lise were abusing others here and that nothing was done to stop this, which I thought was unfair. Well, it is.... if we're expecting Dr G to take sides, play Solomon, and if he has stated that he will intervene when things get "out of hand". I don't think he has stated this explicitly; Sela is right that, "if requested", means we need to ask for what we want. I made no such request, though in retrospect maybe I should have. (But if I had, I wouldn't be writing this, probably... next time.)
Which is exactly my point about obsession & self-acceptance & why it's time for me to leave. It was really easy to fall into an old pattern of hoping someone would come along & rescue me, you know? Anyone with eyes could see... after all. Everyone was in agony. Which was why it was really difficult for me to create that post - and it left me emotionally drained. I was expecting a hero to come along - and out of the goodness of his heart - validate me and my opinion.
Without me asking... well, DUH!
I made that post for myself - to stop hiding behind fear, powerlessness, and silence. That equals a level of new self-acceptance for me. And through reflection on this whole experience, I can see a complimentary realization about validation that breaks my obsession - completely - once and for all. But I need to take one more step from here.
I joined the board last year; June 29th to be exact... and my self-stated reason was to belong somewhere where I could find the reassurance I felt I needed to complete the task I accepted, when my T and I decided to end therapy... to finish healing on my own. Let's substitute the word validation for reassurance, okay? No doubt; I have found plenty & more of warm fuzzies freely given here - validation from many of you: including Ami & Lise, at different times. Ami & I started out being buddies; warmest of friends.
The opposite of validation is what? Well, you know - it's invalidation.
As I grew comfortable here, and my friendship with Ami hit the rocks in the Janet conflict... and I realized there were plenty of other warm, friendly, wise people here... my desire to hang out here grew into having to check in to see how everyone was, before starting my work day... and it became even more obsessive as I tried to help others here, too. Share what I've learned so far. Even so far as essentially walk around the threads with a target on my back to take the slings & arrows being dished out... my old image of being tough; having endured much, much worse...
... my old self who accepted invalidation as the only the validation I received. Losing my SELF - sacrificing my SELF - for my mom & brother, so that we would survive. The comfort that kills...
... and then it finally got through my crazy, frenetic, can't see the forest for the trees head... the same thing that Leah posted:
What would cause any person to participate on a board where it is pretty certain that their dignity will be disgraced and dishonored and their character debased?
Well, validation for one thing. That almost physical, itchy, restless urge that you "need" something... that feeling of emptiness... of having missed out on something you have a god-given right to........ validation, unconditional love... it goes by many names: mom, for one. And for me, mom = validation only through invalidation of my SELF, my identity as a separate being, with my own thoughts, feelings, etc. And my obsession with finally getting some acknowledgement from her that I am NOT her.
(hmmmm.... that makes Ami's suggestion that I'm seeing my mom in her correct & prescient, doesn't it??? I don't think she quite meant it this way... but I have learned to look for lessons EVERYWHERE...Thanks, Ami)
What I realized, finally, is that the biggest thing we were all denied as children, is the truth that
we can validate ourselves; it comes from US - not from other people - not mom, hubby, boss.... not from ANYONE ELSE.
And that as long I wished to be rescued, validated... for being kicked around... as long as I kept silent about not liking it.... as long as I kept expecting for someone other than my SELF to care about my SELF.... I would continue to be obsessed; continue to find validation in invalidation (yeah - I know really well how perverse that is); and wasn't accepting my SELF. I've NEEDED the invalidating validation I've gotten from Lise & Ami; it was what I am used to, after all. My comfort zone.
Validation from others simply isn't what I've been craving; what I need. What I really want is self-validation. The wholeness of my own, complete separate ego identity again...Self-acceptance is the means to that end. AND I NEED NOTHING FROM MY MOM TO HAVE THAT, if I simply validate my self.... accept my SELF.
Self-acceptance was the Healthy Community post yesterday & it's follow up.
Self-acceptance IS validating myself, and ceasing to look anywhere else for it - my friends here, my friends in 3-D, my hubby. Self acceptance is saying invalidation, petty meanness, and outrageous accusations are ALL UNFAIR. Self-Acceptance and self-validation means only looking to myself, for someone to "do something about it". But, it's Dr G's board and he gets to make the rules. The way the rules are got me to this realization - I understand now. It sure seemed like the rules were unfair Wednesday... but I speak out about unfairness all the time and never have I experienced the emotional intensity (and I'm plenty intense) of the complete change in awareness - self-awareness - that has come out of speaking out about it, this time. This time, I broke through the obsession of wanting someone ELSE to do something about it.
I'm guessing a whole bunch of stars lined up together or something... to push me into this new state of being.
So, while I have this treasured realization fresh in my brain - I have to stay away from here. The lure of warm fuzzies makes me blind to the dangers of falling into my old patterns of depending on others for what I need to do for myself. And it's a gift - thank you - that Dr G DIDN'T intervene... because I'd never have come to this particular viewpoint; understanding; self-awareness.
Could be self-deception - if so, it works for me! :D
I'm keeping my account because I do need distractions at work; but I'm going to practice self-restraint for a while and try out this new self in 3-D. Lots to catch up on around here.
If you want to reach me - PM me.
I'm gonna go see if Mud has room for me, creekside.
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Amber, I get it... every bit of it. Thank you so much... especially for this:
Well, validation for one thing. That almost physical, itchy, restless urge that you "need" something... that feeling of emptiness...
of having missed out on something you have a god-given right to........ validation, unconditional love... it goes by many names: mom, for one.
And for me, mom = validation only through invalidation of my SELF, my identity as a separate being, with my own thoughts, feelings, etc.
And my obsession with finally getting some acknowledgement from her that I am NOT her.
Yes, individuation. Me, too.
Thanks again, for everything... and very best success to you as you move forward!
With love,
Carolyn
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Dear PR,
We haven't interacted much here. I have read a great many of your posts, however and have respected your contribution to the board, especially on the Members Stories board.
I will be reading and rereading what you've said in your #7 post here. So much of it reflects in tone or actuality my exact experience in the recovery process. I won't copy and paste parts of it here, for it is all powerful. You have written and explained key aspects of moving from being the captive of an abuser to freedom. What better legacy to leave the board and the friends you've made here?
Thank you very much.
tt
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Amber,
Thank you for all your insights and revelations and the things you shared. It is a huge step - this independence you are craving and the self-validation. This will build you stronger and more ready for those who will try and stomp upon your boundaries in the future. Don't let them!
(((((Amber)))))
Come back soon and update us.
Dandylife
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(hmmmm.... that makes Ami's suggestion that I'm seeing my mom in her correct & prescient, doesn't it??? I don't think she quite meant it this way... but I have learned to look for lessons EVERYWHERE...Thanks, Ami)
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That IS what I meant,Amber. I am glad that our interaction was helpful. It was helpful to me, too. Ami
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Hi everyone,
In deference to PhoenixRising and to maintan the quality and integrity of her thread, I am removing my original post in this slot. I will repost it on a new thread soon.
Apologies PR.
tt
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Hi PR,
Somewhere along the way, I began to search for the times and circumstances when I really didn't have to do a thing about anything or for anyone. I realized that a lot of my actions were driven by shame and guilt which was rewarded with resentment, rebellion, and a host of other negative emotions. And the cycle perpetuated itself. The programmed way has three stages. First the guilt and shame (or name your besetting emotion), then doing an action that was driven by the guilt and shame, (or fill in your besetting emotion) then the ensuing resentment and bitterness about having been sucked once again into the self perpetuating cycle.
It is key to search out the most effective way.
My key was to diligently search for, identify, live in and experience self outside the old arena. It is very empowering, but It takes practice, practice, practice and you have to be diligent about living in the new arena where you look out for your own needs instead of the old masters, guilt and shame." At first, you may be able to spend only a few minutes in your new arena, but with practice, those periods will become longer and longer. At first it will feel like you are alone. Well, you are. Before, you had lots of company, shame, guilt, the ones who instilled the shame and guilt in you...lots of bad company!
Again I say...Great thread and eloquently expressed, PR.
tt
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I'm gonna go see if Mud has room for me, creekside.
There's plenty of room and it's not my creekside anyway. Only rule posted is 'no snapping turtles allowed'. :D
mud
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Hi PR,
Somewhere along the way, I began to search for the times and circumstances when I really didn't have to do a thing about anything or for anyone. I realized that a lot of my actions were driven by shame and guilt which was rewarded with resentment, rebellion, and a host of other negative emotions. And the cycle perpetuated itself. The programmed way has three stages. First the guilt and shame (or name your besetting emotion), then doing an action that was driven by the guilt and shame, (or fill in your besetting emotion) then the ensuing resentment and bitterness about having been sucked once again into the self perpetuating cycle.
It is key to search out the most effective way.
My key was to diligently search for, identify, live in and experience self outside the old arena. It is very empowering, but It takes practice, practice, practice and you have to be diligent about living in the new arena where you look out for your own needs instead of the old masters, guilt and shame." At first, you may be able to spend only a few minutes in your new arena, but with practice, those periods will become longer and longer. At first it will feel like you are alone. Well, you are. Before, you had lots of company, shame, guilt, the ones who instilled the shame and guilt in you...lots of bad company!
Again I say...Great thread and eloquently expressed, PR.
tt
Dear tt,
I can see this... and it's wonderful to be physically out of the old arena.
Now to complete the work of stepping fully into a new mental arena... where the light is too bright for those old masters.
Thank you so much.
Love,
Carolyn
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Carolyn,
Thank you.
Standing on your own (mentally) in the new arena is nothing like experiencing detachment in the old arena. Detachment is beneficial, but it is only a resting place on the road to the newness of life I'm talking about.
tt
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tt,
I think I get it, although I feel like a mental slug sometimes when I'm trying to absorb this stuff.
After detachment comes... the point where the old is irrelevant (? ?) and the new life/identity is not a bit dependent on tools used in the old arena?
Thank you.
Love,
Carolyn
Carolyn,
Thank you.
Standing on your own (mentally) in the new arena is nothing like experiencing detachment in the old arena. Detachment is beneficial, but it is only a resting place on the road to the newness of life I'm talking about.
tt
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Carolyn,
That is right. Detachment is a tool, one of many a person uses to survive in the old arena. Detachment from the abuser, gives you a chance to catch your breath long enough to deal with what comes next. The place I'm talking about, the new arena where one experiences their authentic self for extended periods is freedom. Freedom from that middle ground where just about all you're equipped able to do is survive. I wish I were able to express it better.
Edit in: Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting that anyone reaches a place of total, complete, eternal bliss in this life.
tt
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Carolyn,
That is right. Detachment is a tool one uses to survive in the old arena. Detachment from the abuser, gives you a chance to catch your breath long enough to deal with what comes next. The place I'm talking about, the new arena where one experiences their authentic self for extended periods is freedom. Freedom from that middle ground where just about all you're equipped to do is survive. I wish I were able to express it better.
tt
tt,
You've expressed it fine. Thank you!
That's what I thought you meant, but I needed it fleshed out a bit... just the way my mind works (or doesn't work).
What you said is just right. You've helped me to see more clearly where I've been, along the continuum from obsession to self-acceptance.
You know, I got N-free and immediately re-married. Flat out didn't know what else to do with myself, that's all.
So here I was, straight out of the clutches of Npd and newlywed to a guy who couldn't possibly be more my opposite (externally).
And suddenly...
nobody was telling me how I should be, or who I should be...
and then, after awhile, I started coming here, to the board, where I'd hear people talk about loving self (might as well be a foreign language).
At home, I had my new husband saying that he just wanted me to be happy.
Well, that's kinda hard to do when you've never considered that an option of personal choice and you don't have a roadmap, so
it made me... frustrated. And I'll cut the blather right there and just say -
now I get it. I was in the new arena, but still serving those old masters.
Is it natural to go through a period of deep exhaustion when you finally realize they're not around anymore?
Thanks, tt.
Love,
Carolyn
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My obsession is seeking validation from other people (pick one) and being willing to completely sacrifice my own needs - hell, even annihlate myself (Twiggy) - in the process of seeking this. This was what I was taught to do; what my mother taught me to do. It was profoundly WRONG.
What I am practicing letting go - is this need for that kind of validation.
Replacing it, with self-validation... and it is a completely NEW experience,for me.
I have been hiding my true self, behind always putting other people's needs ahead of mine... expecting the validation that never comes through this level of sacrifice (and yes, tt - generating all the other emotions that are used to hide my true feelings/self - even from my self).
This is simply a role I've been taught to play... in the endless, closed-loop of total invalidation while seeking validation (duh). A habit. I am very lucky that Twiggy chose smoking - the most addictive habit - as a way of getting my attention about this.
Thanks, TT for the validation you gave me. I appreciate it and it helps to strengthen my self-validation.
There is absolutely NOTHING to fear anymore - BEING (not "doing" for others) my SELF. I just don't know exactly who that is -- YET. But I do know she's selfish enough to put what she wants, her feelings, and her time BEFORE the possibility of gaining a not-guaranteed validation from anyone else. She has an ego; and it hurts when people put her down... even when people misunderstand her. She WANTS to be liked -
but to until she SHOWS and IS her SELF...
no one gets a chance to like her - for who she really is.... only for her expert skills in "doing for others".
What she DOES for others, is what is unimportant right now. It's no longer a raison d'etre; idee fixe; obsession.
This changes EVERYTHING.
Thank you to everyone... especially Dr G, for his forebearance.
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Thank you again, Amber. I have alot of respect for you... and appreciation, too.
With love,
Carolyn
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For mud:
got it - no snapping turtles! :D
Since I'm shedding an old shell, and am running around completely vulnerable to predators (which is really educational)... hopefully, I can simply burrow down into the primal ooze for a bit, while I'm discovering who the hell I really am.
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Ah! tt - more light shed - I got it now!
I've noticed I smoke a lot, when I'm doing something I don't really WANT to do...
I just noticed I also smoke, when I have to set a boundary - DUH again! :lol:
guilt & shame... partners of obsession & validation through invalidation.
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Hi PR,
Ah! tt - more light shed - I got it now!
I've noticed I smoke a lot, when I'm doing something I don't really WANT to do...
I just noticed I also smoke, when I have to set a boundary - DUH again!
:D
These are the times when I find it invaluable to go into 'search mode' within myself and ask, do I really have to do anything about anything or for anyone in this moment, this hour, this day? It is surprising how often the answer is no. This releases me to rest in the new arena where I am the only one I have to be concerned about or answer to. It amazes me how refreshing it is to dwell there however briefly.
tt
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An update, as I believe I took another small step in the past couple of days:
I recently had to enforce a boundary with someone in 3-D. It made me angry that someone who claims to be my friend, would not accept my word that I didn't have time to honor her request, due to an impending deadline on a project that is important to the faculty community as a whole. But I didn't stay angry - oh no - I immediately jumped to apology, feeling very bad about the whole situation and responsible for her "not understanding".
This situation woke me at 1:30 this morning.
Self-Acceptance means that I have a right to be angry, because I did explain, in terms that could not be misunderstood, why I have no time to honor her request. Yet she continued to plead, wheedle, bribe - in other words, push. The feeling of being apologetic - while polite; of being responsible for disappointing her and her not "understanding" my needs.... of feeling bad about this, and not ENTITLED to my anger.....
well - that's just OLD stuff being applied to a present situation. To be self-accepting requires that I be hyper self-aware of playing out these old scripts in the present - and that I don't automatically jump to feelings and actions that perpetuate the cycle of self-abuse and allowing myself to be taken advantage of... sacrificing all for others.
The present is nothing like that past that Twiggy/I endured. Those feelings that remain about those events arise from DESIRE - the hope that this time, the result of the same dysfunctional emotions/behavior will be different. According to buddhism: desire is the cause of all suffering and this aphorism certainly applies when we cling to hope & desire for a different outcome or resolution in our present day relationships using the same warped methods we learned in and through abuse.
So, I've come to understand that self-acceptance also mean releasing the outcome of my desires:
-- to be liked - always
-- to be understood and my boundaries respected
-- to be able to manage how other people see and feel about me through always being submissive (which only serves to teach them that it's OK to violate my boundaries...)
Releasing the outcome of those old desires - still replayed in my relationships today when I'm not self-aware - means that I am also able to release those old feelings; let it go into the past (not that it be forgotten; remembering is allowed; just not dwelling on it or the old feelings)... the past is not REALITY; not NOW. It WAS reality THEN; but being attached, obsessed with THEN - NOW - means I'm denying the REALITY of NOW. A different reality.
Releasing those old emotions frees me to choose NOT to feel bad about setting & enforcing a boundary. Even to release my anger at the boundary violation - and create my own present, in-the-moment reality of NOW. If she doesn't like me after my loud, strong NO, then I guess she only found me "use fool". And that's not a friend.
Releasing those old emotions and the cycle of validation through invalidation, opens up the possibility of choosing NOT to smoke - which was my old way of the unconscious self telling the conscious self: validation through invalidation is happening; it's wrong; do something about it....
.... and the only thing I knew to do about it was smoke some more.
That's all different now. I don't have to feel bad about other people's feelings. There is simply not enough of me, to be all things to all people. I am not responsible for how people see or feel about me. I am certainly AM responsible for killing my self, in the mistaken belief that this will ultimately change the unchangeable.... the childish, foolish hope that this will make the object of desire HAPPY and finally earn myself love & approval.
I can release that childish foolish hope, too. I had no parent to tell me how silly this was - then. As a parent, I would never allow my own children to cling to such a fantasy. It's completely unnecessary.
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LOL!!! HOPS!!!
Oh, I do acknowledge the addiction - and I'm getting there... getting around to that part of the process.
I've just had to clear all this OTHER CRAP out of the way first...
because that stuff PREVENTS me from simply dealing with the body's (brain's) addiction. Quite literally, this obsession/magical thinking prevents me from taking the first steps, every time. It simply wasn't clear to me, in my conscious self, what was getting in the way. (my SELF, duh... and all those old emotional habits.) :P
But, you'll be glad to know: the quit date is MONDAY. I've finally felt I could set one... and STICK TO IT.
I've already forewarned a couple supportive co-workers who have already quit; I only work 2 days next week - and it's very important to me to start the quit here and get through the first 2 days here - because when I return from my 5 days off - I will be coming BACK to an already self-declared "smoke-free" zone. It's been easier for me to maintain a quit while at home or other places... because I am free to manage whatever comes up - sleep, working off physical/nervous energy, etc.
Also - work triggers (as in the example) that whole self-destructive cycle. But I think releasing outcomes and self-validation/acceptance will be enough to get me through those 2 days.... and I have a place to scream, if need be. These two co-workers aren't at all affected by any type of emotional meltdowns - and have seen me have a quite a few already.
I've been collecting tips, tricks, techniques and support forums for quitting smoking for about 3-4 years. I'm pretty well ready to take on the addiction.
EDIT IN: oh yeah - and this crap of punishing myself for being angry and feeling that other people's feelings are my fault - is EXACTLY why I started smoking after being quit for 2 years. This is the key to being able to put all my collected addiction stuff to work...
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I'm glad to know, too, Amber... still cheering you on over here : )
Sounds like an excellent plan which you've put into place and I know you are more than able!
Love,
Carolyn
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As I get a chance, I'll add to this thread my collection of techniques, the "strategy", coping plan, etc.
I know there are people still reading who may benefit from these - and I think they could apply to almost any habit we're trying to change. Won't inundate anyone - but will put the most helpful things up.
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hi PR
Just remember I am a 4-5-6 cigs a day smoker and haven't been 'led' to totally quit, as there is so little left in the life of an 'older' woman. Going on 52 years now!
Good Luck to you. though.
xx
Izzy
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Thanks, Carolyn, Izzy & Hops...(am I leaving anyone out? I apologize.)
Well - I break this down like this:
I need a plan that includes goals & rewards. I need a strategy - the actual how-tos. And I need a whole truckload of techniques & replacements! :D
Hops' point about the physical/mental addiction is now the center of my strategy. It was an excellent reminder Hops - thank you very much! Smoking energizes/activates L-brain activity and suppresses R-brain, for me... and this was another way of validating (L-brain) through invalidating (R-brain). As a general way of thinking about the difference, L-brain is my process skills, intellectual/mental thinking. R-brain is more emotional and physical sensation... day dreamy, more creative, still "thinking" but with intuition and emotion, rather than logic... Just needed to define this for myself, before backing up and laying it all out.
The plan is this:
Beginning this morning, whenever I pick up a cigarette - I ask myself to decide if I really, really WANT it and why. And then, while smoking it (doing absolutely nothing else) consciously testing myself to see if it fulfilled that want or was just a fix for the addiction. I have designated smoke-free zones... haven't smoked indoors in years... have begun including my jeep... and today am adding smoke-free TIME zones - removing the smokes that are simply habit, associated with breaks, etc. Limits start tomorrow with half a pack. Since Monday is the first no-smoke day, that adds an urgency to the stepping down. I've been tracking the number (and time/place) for years now.
Goals are: positive validation of self w/o invalidation, better breathing to enable increased strength & stamina - longer life; enabling me to progress to another level of tai chi work; and actively engaging in all the family relationships that give back to me (while letting the others that don't give back, go...along with SMOKING). OH! and another big one: intention/attention to food - quality, quantity, and the act of eating. That's a topic in and of itself... maybe later. But it's useful to give me something other than the quit to focus on, and it helps me deal with the weight gain issue that I'd rather avoid, if possible.
The Strategy: Letting GO
I recognize that letting go isn't FORCING, isn't draconian, isn't merciless, doesn't really have rules. Absolutely NOT allowed to kick myself for slips - but not allowed to give up a quit because of 1 smoke EITHER. (Izzy's approach is an example of what for me, would be an big improvement... but Twiggy & I want smoking gone completely... so that might just be another "threshold" I reach on the way...).
Letting GO is actually a "lightening of the load" while moving toward something new. The journey on a 2 lane road. I have to allow it to be what it is - be open to curves in the process; be ready to accept them.
Every time I quit - there is a convenient emotional uproar to justify or become an excuse for more procrastination or a slip. Sometimes, it's just a normal thing that I let get blown all out of emotional proportion. I know I will face this again - and I'll have to distinguish real situations from excuses and deal with them differently. It was really ugly with hubby, the last time I tried to quit - I swear, every single bad dysfunctional communication habit I learned from my mom simply took over and made both of us miserable. Sometimes it's work stuff - sometimes it appears out of thin air.
So the strategy is to start the quit Monday morning - at home, in the morning - these are the most "fix"/addicted smokes, with my coffee. Going to limit the coffee to 1 cup in bed and 1 cup in my "chair" (where I've worked with Twiggy all along) (These are No smoking zones). Not smoking has made me hyper, in the past. I have a list of things to do INSTEAD of smoking in the morning.
I am already adjusting - shifting - postponing my work smokes to odd times.... not my normal routine. I will have all kinds of replacement goodies for myself and have enlisted the support of co-workers (non smokers; some former) to simply put up with me, talk me down from emotional ledges and give me time away from the computer for these breaks. I'll be scheduling automatic reminders in my calendar to get up & go walk throughout the day - once a day a longer walk with a buddy in another building. Work is only 2 days next week - then I'll be at home... and hubby at work. I have several lists of tasks that I've procrastinated on, to work on. Inside tasks, if it's too hot (and of course, hot weather will discourage being outside in my old smoking spaces.) When I need to simply rest - sit & be - I'll be able to do so. When I need to work off restless energy, I can do that.
And I can direct a lot of attention to food... which will help take my mind of smoking! :D Don't need another obsession, you know?
Chi gong will help balance any energy spikes/lulls... and the breathing part of those exercises will get me through cravings.
I have cinnamon toothpicks for oral, nervous stuff...
homeopathic pills to help reduce cravings...
my inhaler...
and I'll stock up this weekend on celery/carrots & hummus; tic tacs.
I'll start vitamin C and detox tea on Monday; I always drink my 8 glasses of water (or more) a day anyway... plus herbal tea....
and our bookstore carries lots of things, if I run out, to use as rewards. It's important that my rewards are things Twiggy wants; likes. There are daily rewards, weekly rewards, monthly rewards, etc. I'm also creating a can to add $3.50/day to, for each day I don't smoke. Haven't designated what the money is for yet - but since we go to the beach in October, I think it's going to involve crab, oysters or shrimp. Maybe a bathing suit - they'll be on sale then. Some of the rewards aren't material - they are designed to soothe and reward my emotional self...
In this prep phase, when I have a craving prompting me to smoke - I'm practicing my "full stop" exercise: deep breathing, grounding myself, eyes closed... just breathing and feeling just fine in my body WITHOUT getting up to smoke. I've febrezed anything that smells like smoke - including my jeep... there is only 1 ashtray... and 'coz I know I'm going to be around smokers, have been practicing not smoking with hubby - even with my own smokes around me. Just not smoking. It's not that difficult or a big deal.
And I'm an hour into my first smoke-free time zone; I can only have my next smoke after 4 pm. That's a start folks - there's MORE. These are the things I know work the best for me - I'm going to be relying heavily on chi gong & tai chi during the first phase of the quit, but yoga, walking - any physical activity that also refreshes the brain would work, too. I've found myself sneezing a lot in the morning - after re-affirming & journaling my prep to quit... guess my body's already trying to detox... expel the evil spirits...
I can tell from re-reading this: my r-brain is strengthening - typos galore; dyslexia even - odd grammatical patterns. Good thing I've been practicing tai chi with an active r-brain... it doesn't freak me out anymore; it's not a handicap - Twiggy & I know how to manage it. And I have a Nintendo DS game for R-L brain balance... that might help at work...on breaks.
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Yay! First smoke-free time zone negotiated successfully! - 4 hours.
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PR,
Way - Yay!
Wunnerful, wunnerful!
tt
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thanks, tt! :D
In 4 hour blocks - and since I adore my 8 hours sleep every night - all I need to do the next 3 days, is add another 3 more, 4 hr smoke-free time zones and by Monday, I'll actually make my quit date (without weaseling out....making excuses....procrastinating).
And the smoke I had right after 4 pm, wasn't exactly yummy, adorable, refreshing. Negative reinforcement, applied wisely, helps too: it's 90 outside and no shade. And I can't stand still long enough to smoke a whole one in that heat...it's not at all pleasant or comfortable.... and now I'm all stinky again - YUCK!!!!
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Amber,
I just caught up with reading here and it all sounds great!
You've created the most thorough, comprehensive plan I have ever heard of and I'm absolutely amazed at the balanced awareness you've been able to achieve and maintain. Wow, I'm thinking if only I could manage a bit of this in other areas... but you've offered something to shoot for and I'm going to try!
As always, thank you so much for sharing, throughout your work... it's been and is still - so very helpful.
With love,
Carolyn
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You're welcome, Carolyn!
Yes, I think these plans, strategies and techniques can be applied to other types of habits - even emotional ones.
Had my first curve on my letting go road, today, and I've adjusted pretty well. I added another 4-hr smokefree time-zone this morning from 8-noon... and upon arriving at work, found I have a meeting from noon-1. I'm simply going to make it a 3 -hr timezone - and tack the extra hour on this afternoon. Flexibility is CRITICAL - but not as a deceptive way of making excuses.
And have to tell ya: the 2 I've smoked in that "break" from non-smoking practice time zones were totally negative reinforcement. In 24 hours, I've gotten to the point where it's uncomfortable to not smoke - and just as uncomfortable to smoke. Been here - memorably - before. It's the tipping point between remaining a smoker - or going the rest of the way down the letting go road.
There will be even LESS "permitted" smoking time over the weekend (no, I'm not limiting how many I smoke in the permitted time zones... that is also useful...), so I believe that this time I have all the why's & wherefores & self-deceptions about this nailed down... and I'm curious to get to the point where "let go" is past history.
Been working on Hops' suggestion about smoking and the brain... and this is fruitful. Not coherent, mind you! ::LOL:: But next week, when smoking is past history - I should be able to post something sensible about this.
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Twiggy's bringing me all sorts of things because of this quit - just before I fell asleep last night, she came up with "The Gingham Dog & the Calico Cat". Poem's below...
The Duel (The Gingham Dog and the Calico Cat) by Eugene Field
The gingham dog and the calico cat
Side by side on the table sat;
'Twas half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor t'other had slept a wink!
The old Dutch clock and the Chinese plate
Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat.
(I wasn't there; I simply state
What was told to me by the Chinese plate!)
The gingham dog went " Bow-wow-wow!"
And the calico cat replied "Me-ow!"
The air was littered,an hour or so,
With bits of gingham and calico,
While the old Dutch clock in the chimney place
Up with it hands before its face,
For it always dreaded a family row!
(Now mind: I'm only telling you
What the old Dutch clock declares is true!)
The Chinese plate looked very blue,
And wailed,"Oh dear! What shall we do!"
But the gingham dog and the calico cat
Wallowed this way and tumbled that,
Employing every tooth and claw
In the awfullest way you ever saw-
And oh! how the gingham and calico flew!
(Don't fancy I exaggerate!
I got my news from the Chinese plate!)
Next morning where the two had sat
They found no trace of dog or cat;
And some folks think unto this day
That burglars stole the pair away!
But the truth about the cat and pup
Is this: they ate each other up!
Now what do you really think of that!
(The old Dutch clock, it told me so,
And that is how I came to know.)
...the horrible thing about this poem, is that Twiggy felt she was "all ate up" - from the inside out - by her mom. The poem also describes her parents nightly fignts pretty well, too...
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((((((Amber))))) I was just checking in to see how you're doing.
Never read this poem before, but it's very much like what I have felt... only it was the exchange between my dad's personality/style and my mother's neuroses/compulsions, dueling it out within me. And I've felt... that once they knocked the stuffing out of each other, what would be left = the real me.
Hang in there.
Love,
Carolyn
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Yesterday was a rough day. Set my goals way too high for Twiggy...
so I relented. A little. Let her smoke some. (The admonition to not FORCE the quit is still with me - but I have firmly PUSHED - as any good parent would, ya know?)
Up way too early again this morning - still writing, working out this deal of "letting go"... what it is... how it works. Twiggy had one more story - about a horrible storm in 1969. It was so extreme, I was able to find out about it still - on the 'net. Twiggy was out IN that storm with her mom & brother... they were in the process of moving... and she was very, very scared the rest of that dark & howling night. 18 people died in that storm. Twiggy felt as if it were the end of the world.
Today, is like the day after the storm. Something has lifted - or let go. Everything is fine.
Yesterday's heebee jeebies about nicotine are gone, too. It's OK that I don't have cigarettes - I can think & work just fine. Maybe even better, because I was prompted to post something earlier - that I thought better of. Would only call down more abuse on me & Twigs. Not frantically replacing nicotine with munchies... not freaking out about it (not having smokes) anymore.
It feels do-able. Easy. The storm is over...
Now, there's only the clean-up....
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Hi PR,
I'm picturing you calmly doing one task after the other. I picture you purposed in your actions about what needs to be done to wrap up this 'quit smoking project' and moving on.
I'm an unrepenting capitasist, so I'd be thinking, what am I going to do with all that extra cash? 401K it, charity, bury it in the back yard...Uhmmmm. :lol:
tt
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The plan is $3.50/day in a coffee can... $24.50/week...
Then maybe I'll buy myself a new bathing suit when I go the beach in October...
(sometimes calmly doing one task at a time - sometimes, not - right now.)
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Hi PR,
There you go. Why not stack those coffee cans full of money very artfully in the front yard, and call it a progressive, one can at a time added sculpture. No one would be the wiser. No touch the sculpture!
tt
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(((((Amber))))) you really are doing it!
I was reading some articles earlier... on the topic of living with intention... and these reminded me of you. Intentional, deliberate, focused, determined, successful... congratulations on this AND on being such a loving parent to yourself.
With love,
Carolyn
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Just a quick update - a "news from the front" blurb - not much time right now.
The work continues - and I've run into something within myself that's amazingly powerful. I've spent the last 5 days LEARNING about this side of myself... (Carolyn: yes, I accept that I am those things you listed - even tho' it's completely counter to the idea that I've lived with for 40 years, that I'm powerless & abused...).
So no, I've not quit yet. Still looking at it... learning... and "letting go" - but the big news is, that what I'm letting go is completely unexpected; a big surprise to me. This whole process is turning out to be very very different than what I anticipated, too. Not painful... not a "fight"... more of having the smoke clear from my eyes - so that I can finally see clearly.
Been working on defining the positives about me - the things that were me BEFORE everything happened; the things that abuse couldn't touch, hurt or change; the things that made me susceptible to the abuse in the first place... but since, I've got real boundaries now - no one can ever do this to me again.
I am not who I was when I first joined the board.
I am not who I was last week.
I am who I've always been - but I'm coming out of "hiding" in many, many ways.
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Dear Amber,
Yes, coming out of hiding. I feel it, too... and am experiencing it.
When we're able to clear away our own shadows and stand apart from all the old defenses, then...
well... I think it's .... growing up.
And it's learning to be intimate... with ourselves. Not just examining and shuffling the feelings and sorting and all, but actually allowing for closure.
Acceptance.
I was reading in the David Richo book about becoming an adult
about how the telling of an event over and over without feeling and closure is a form of avoidance and doesn't lead to change.
He was saying that the story gets in the way of us knowing our real feelings, but
it's processing those feelings with opens the door to let us get on with our lives.
That processing part is what had me stumped... but it really is just in the struggling with it all that we can, as he writes, "reintegrate at a higher level of functioning". And here I'd been whuppin up on myself for struggling... when all along it's the struggle which allows for growth.
Anyhow, it's good to read you, Amber... and welcome out of hiding!
Love,
Carolyn
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I was reading in the David Richo book about becoming an adult
about how the telling of an event over and over without feeling and closure is a form of avoidance and doesn't lead to change.
He was saying that the story gets in the way of us knowing our real feelings, but
it's processing those feelings with opens the door to let us get on with our lives.
That processing part is what had me stumped... but it really is just in the struggling with it all that we can, as he writes, "reintegrate at a higher level of functioning". And here I'd been whuppin up on myself for struggling... when all along it's the struggle which allows for growth.
LOL! I've been struggling & telling the story (well, reliving it emotionally.... more accurate) for 3-4 years now. Yes, the struggle DOES allow for growth. What's odd is that the growth that happens is invisible for the longest time... it's so quiet, pure & simple that it simply doesn't register on one's awareness until one day.... you have that "AHA!!" .... and it settles into place and the world - and you - aren't the same anymore.
What I'm finding - what I suspect - is that the thing I have to let go is that same story. It WAS me... just like I once was a tall, skin & bones teenager... I have to let that ME go... 'coz, honey, I ain't never gonna be 100lbs soaking wet AGAIN!!!!
And all the inner child work? Well, Twiggy grew up while I was working through her story... SHE became different, with different feelings, over that time-span, too. She has been HEALING those long-ago wounds through my work - getting what she needed THEN. SHE is ready to let that part of her story go, too. Being places and doing things that remind her of then - well, that's just not all that interesting to her anymore. Not that she doesn't have compassion and empathy for those going through similar things - she & I both do. But it's time to move on....
Letting go isn't the same as forgetting. It's a going BEYOND... into something different. Something that doesn't resemble what has passed for a definition of me and my life up till now. And there are many, many lessons & treasures from the past that can go into the beyond - but it's not the main reason for my being, anymore. More on that tomorrow....
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So..........
what I'm letting go, is the imperative to quit smoking. Still intending to quit, mind you... but it can't be done with my arsenal of CBT tricks - yet. I have to start FIRST... and each time I try to start, I run into a wall of incredibly strong resistance. I'm running into Twiggy and HER strength. Twiggy ain't letting go - yet.
Twiggy clings to smoking because of her story. It was her only comfort, it helped her function mentally, it was a "take that" to my mother............. all those reasons that are linked to the abuse, trauma, and her mother's mental illness that was the "normal" behavior of her FOO.
It was how Twiggy dealt with the severe ego-injury of only being acceptable to her mother - by being LIKE her mother. It was how she survived..... and that's no longer relevant, needed or useful. NEITHER are the feelings and facts of her story.
Now, Twiggy loves irony. What is ironic about the choice of smoking in Twiggy's story... is that nicotine is addicting; the common understanding of addiction is it makes the user powerless to quit (not quite the whole truth - isn't THAT familiar). And long, long story short: the choice of smoking only served to make Twiggy - through her self-willed determination to have something that wasn't her mom - JUST LIKE HER MOM. POWERLESS. OY.
Twiggy has come a long way; grown up a lot in 3-4 years. She was always pretty smart. She saw people around her with emphesema; lung cancer; lost her grandma and aunt to stroke & heart disease. She knew the connection with smoking, even before the surgeon general's statement was added to cigarettes in the 60's. Twiggy liked science & engineering.
Twiggy was persuaded to "not be" - to separate from my awareness & get denied existence/emotions/life by climbing into an imaginary, subconscious chinese box. Smoking was another way to "not be" - and to WIN this struggle over her entitlement to BE HER without having to take abuse. Except it didn't work out that way.... because smoking wasn't the right tool. Smoking doesn't define & enforce boundaries.
Self-acceptance is the very first step to getting to the FIRST step of quitting smoking. I accept that this is Twiggy's need for smoking. I accept that I can't pry them out of her cold, dead fingers.... and I don't want to. Fine, she can smoke as much as she needs to - FOR NOW.
Self-acceptance is Twiggy's responsibility too; as much as I am HER - she is ME: a 20 lb overweight, hypertensive, 40 year smoker... will Twiggy accept that this reality the result of HER choice to smoke, 40 years ago?
Is this what she wants? I don't think so.... but the decision is up to her. How often does one get the opportunity to hold past & future reality together in the present moment? She gets to look at THEN and NOW - and see how her choice then, turned out NOW.
It's a gift for Twiggy - with a condition: I'm giving her till Friday to chew this over and decide. Either way, I'll abide by her decision.
Her emotional wounds have healed. Her understanding of then & now has increased quickly and deeply. I can trust her to make an informed choice... one that's not based on a reality of abuse that doesn't exist anymore. I can trust her - put my life in her hands, literally - because I know what she wants and I can provide that. But if she continues to smoke - well, then she's deciding she doesn't want that anymore - because neither of us will be healthy enough to BE that.
Is Twiggy going to accept my current reality - a result of her choice of self-defense so long ago - or is she going to step up & decide to choose something different? She's the one with all the strength, power & determination... she continued to exist in isolation those 40 years - in spite of all my abuse-programmed efforts to deny her existence... she's the one that's running this show...
So I have to let go control over this process. I am NOT in charge here, am I? So, it's all up to Twiggy.
What I want doesn't matter - only Twiggy's wants matter in regard to how we proceed from Friday on.
Then, maybe we can stop this infernally silly way of working with, talking about, and referring to myself.
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Hmm.
Today's update...
Twiggy is re-processing emotions again. Anger, mostly. She's decided that smoking is what the evil angel of abuse tempted her with... because smoking served to help her defuse, numb, distance and hide the anger that "wasn't permitted". Smoking activated the Lbrain functions... numbed some Rbrain functions (overwhelming feelings) and replaced the feeling of anger with the physical sensations of being a novice smoker - the head rush, dizziness, nausea...
... enabling her to HIDE her anger... deny it... not be angry...
Not sure where this is going, but it's interesting. Lots of documentation that smoking allows anger to be managed - which is why so many quitters go through angry, irritated, melt-down temper tantrums in their early quit.
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Yes, well - anger triggers the fear of additional abuse, invalidation at the very least... I can see why Twiggy "doesn't want to go there" about not having her well-worn habit to hide behind.
Life has given me ample opportunity this week, to provide Twiggy with actual experience of how ineffective smoking REALLY is as a way to hide my feelings, to manage them, to feel differently. Yesterday was particularly rough.
I've come up with a juicy reward for her, if we can quit for 2 years. I've explained about the process of making a decision and sticking with it: desire, intent, a plan, what if strategies, and a dictionary of other coping techniques. Think I'm going to put this together as my own workbook... it'll be an excellent, tangible way for me (and Twiggy) to "get there". But, we're not going to talk about this together, until AFTER she lets me know what her decision is...
... and the deadline for the decision is tomorrow. If she chooses to quit, then I will try to continue tai chi the next 8 weeks (immediate reward). This section of classes is always the most difficult because of heat & humidity and not being able to breathe. Just wipes me out. This summer, work is insanely busy, emotionally demanding & chaotic - and I can't physically deal with work, smoking, and try to work on the form/push hands without letting one of those things slide.
If she chooses to keep smoking, she has to accept the physical limitations she's creating for me... us... and she has to let tai chi go, until it cools off.
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Hi PR,
Yours and Twiggy's stories...well, I can't relate. My inner child simply doesn't acknowledge me let alone negotiate with me. I guess that is the problem. There is no negotiation. She, I suppose is extremely stubborn. She remains where I found her curled up in the corner of a cold, gray fortress constructed like a maze. Anyway, I wanted to ask if Twiggy actually believes and or sees the evil angel, She's decided that smoking is what the evil angel of abuse tempted her with... or do you use it as a figure of speech to explain your story?
Still cheering your decision to 'quit'!
tt
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Well - chronology is a mess in Twiggy's memories. Dissociation - especially for prolonged periods - will do that, I guess.
Twiggy was in her room - where she was a LOT in those days - trying to think about and understand everything that was going on with her and her family's changes. I think she visualized - imagined these two angels - while she was trying to make a decision. Her thought process would go in one direction for a while.... then emotions would flare and the thoughts would go in the opposite direction. So the angels were a visual metaphor for this dichotomy of thought-streams. It was me who interpreted this... as an internalization of the abusive "imperatives" I was given. Twiggy had an intuition about this - but not much more than that.
My first view of Twiggy was when she was younger; curled up in her grandma's chair bawling her eyes out. By herself.
So I just imagined that I was scooping her up in a big tight hug & rocked her awhile until she stopped crying.
Maybe you could just get close enough to your inner child, to hand her a blanket - put a hand on her back - rub her back for a few minutes.
Ya know, I don't think I've tried this approach to quitting before; negotiating this with Twiggy. It was always me - the adult, with her collection of ideas, techniques or drugs - thinking, OK.... I'm free and can do this... only to run headfirst, blindly into Twiggy's strong, stubborn resistance and her wily slippery ways of avoiding things. I was trying to impose something on her; force her to quit with me... and I think she's had quite enough of that for one life. So I'll let her drive this next attempt - but not without pointing out the alternative to NOT quitting... pointing out reality of my physical body, to her. (She's pushed me a bit too far in tai chi, sometimes, so much so that my muscles have hurt until the next week's class. She does understand how much older I am than how she sees herself.)
She's not speaking to me, the past couple days - just that rehash of how angry she is. But I am allowed to point to her, that directing the anger at herself doesn't make a whole lot of sense. So there's some tenseness right now in our "relationship". It's OK. She does know that maybe smoking wasn't the smartest way to hide or manage her anger, now...
And she's still permitted to refuse to quit on Friday. But that choice has other consequences - and she knows what they are.
Tomorrow's going to be VERY interesting....
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Hi PR,
I'll keep my ears on for tomorrow!
tt
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Thanks, TT - it's tomorrow,today.
Twigs says her decision is to quit. She wants to keep working with me; maintain the relationship. When I pointed out that this is going to require a lot of letting go - of old emotions, old patterns of behavior, and old habits... she said she's ready. But she doesn't sound totally convinced to me. So, I'm going to also let her have the option to take today to change her mind. She's afraid, mostly.... that she'll be so out of control, so non-functioning, that the great agony of abuse will come out of nowhere and settle down on her again. I am reassuring her with several things:
She asked if I could go back to tai chi; the answer is yes - if I'm not smoking. In tai chi, she & I work together now and I can feel Twiggy, in my body. She obviously likes this. So body awareness & presence will help a LOT with withdrawal symptoms; the reconnecting of L&R brain happens through heightened body awareness, for her & I. We can co-exist and still be separate and Twiggy has been herself; revealed herself - in class, with only the most positive, encouraging responses. We're learning not to hide, in tai chi, and that nothing BAD will happen.
The other thing, is emotional education - what Twiggy sorely lacked. If she learns how to appropriately express her emotions in lots of different situations, she needn't fear those feelings any more. She's already come a long way in this department. But anger is still an issue - and I warned her that we might experience withdrawal symptoms as anger and irritation. She knows. She accepts the ways I've suggested that we can release that kind of energy and will let me manage the expressions of the anger.
The 3rd thing is unconscious work. (and no I can't explain how this works at all - I'm just now becoming aware of it!) I told Twiggy yesterday, that I needed a "sign" from her that she was ready to make a decision:
Last night, I knew I needed to stop and buy a carton on the way home. I even reminded myself on the way out the door. I only live a mile or so away. I forgot. Hubby & I decided to go out & pick up dinner... and I was in the car and down the road, when I realized that I'd left my pack of smokes at home. This has been happening a lot lately. I'll leave them in the jeep when I get to work... I just plain forget them.
Lately, I've been going back to get an extra bit of sleep each morning. I usually dream a lot in this "section" of sleep; I call it Twiggy's dream time. This morning's dream was amazing.
The pertinant section is this:
There is a Wu Shu master that I'm in awe of - Nick. I've taken some of his seminars (he also teaches tai chi). They are humbling and I see clearly how fat & weak I've let my body become; but I also see that it's not too late to reverse that situation. In the dream, he was challenging me to try something that sounds impossible... There was a door mounted at the end of a panel (not in a wall). I was to hold on to the door knob and swing the door back & forth (a decision??)... then: when I'd built up enough momentum, let go & throw my body down a short flight of steps, roll, and "escape" out the open door or windows in the other room. There was an iron railing - handrail - along side the steps.
So, I'm hanging off this door, swinging it... trying to build up speed & energy and at just the right time: I LET GO and fling myself; I tumble through the air and land perfectly on one foot on the bottom post of the handrail and bounce myself right out the door.... and I escape.
I've told Twiggy we can do this. We can escape - and we can learn Nick's tricks, too.
So now - we'll see if she backs out of her decision today or puts up resistance to planning & strategy. I want her to be absolutely SURE she is willing to help me quit.
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Well - Twiggy's sure.
And it seems she's willing to begin letting the smokes go sooner than I am - so, I might be in for a wild ride.
I guess that's pretty much the end of this topic. Time for this thread to fade to the back pages....
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Hi PR,
Great news! The end of smokes. With all the benefits too. Congratulations!
Also, I think I remember that your therapist has recommended that you and Twiggy not integrate. Is that right? The two of you seem to communicate quite well. Why not integrate? Or is there a specific plateau that your T thinks would be more condusive and effective? Or is it your T's opinion that you never should?
If you want to, I can move this to a new thread.
tt
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Naw - I'm the world's most frequent digressor! So I appreciate the things that come up in my threads - even if they're only slightly related.
I don't know why she said to keep us separate, for sure. I never asked her. For awhile, I thought about Dissociative Identity Disorder - where people really have more than one "me"... but, I really don't think that applies to Twiggy/me; we're not that clear cut or well-defined. But, these days, I think she recommended that because the feelings that Twiggy was processing ON HER OWN and with me - would've been disruptive to being able to function in my normal life.
As it was, I did have to deal with certain triggered emotions anyway. It wasn't disabling though; and I treated each incident as a learning experience.
Maybe she didn't want me "becoming" Twiggy - since Twiggy needed a parent desperately and I was filling that role for her. Twiggy was very sad, confused and a flaming ball of rage. It would've been really hard for the people around me, if I "became" that. That doesn't mean I didn't experience all Twiggy's feelings in complete, gory detail... I did... but in a paced fashion. We work together in the mornings before I get ready for work - mostly journaling. Her writing is different than mine - as is her "voice".
For some time now, I've been aware that the opposite is happening; Twiggy is becoming more "me"... she's been growing - up - to match my chronological and emotional age. The bonus is that Twiggy's bringing her ability to play, to have fun, and enjoy herself more into the realm of "me". And this experiment of letting Twiggy make the decision to quit smoking is an acceptance on my part that she is REAL and a force to be reckoned with. She's been the sabatoeur in my life, for sure. If we accept that Twiggy was locked away in my unconscious... then this would make sense - the sabotage was always unintentional; unconscious. And yes, that also means that integration is the ultimate goal, but it'll be determined by & managed by the unconscious self (Twiggy) - not something intentional on my part. Maybe this kind of negotiation is all that's really possible... I'm not sure anyone knows for sure.
"Twiggy" is experienced by me as a slightly different sense of "me". I can tell the difference, but even that's becoming more subtle. Not sure I have the words yet to describe it better than that. Some spiritual traditions would call this my Inner self - or Higher self, I guess. But, I'm not so sure - she was tantrumed-out, freaked-out teenaged girl when we started piecing together her story. Not someone I'd associate with a spiritual being! :D Girl Interrupted, is a lot more like it.
I've been out of therapy now for a year. She said I could finish the "work" I had to do, on my own. And she did ask about whether Twiggy was getting older...
her advice on smoking was to not "force" it; that one day it would just happen... I might've adjusted that advice a little, by putting Twiggy in the position of making the decision... but I also gave Twiggy the option of backing out today - and it's pretty clear that she's full steam ahead to get started on the strategy - or just put the damn things down before I'm even ready!
Definitely a force to be reckoned with...
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Wow, PR!
Did your T explain or attribute any of your experience to splitting?
tt
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Actually, we didn't analyze that much in session - or diagnose. Just worked to get me & Twiggy working together... and getting into feeling and knowing my feelings.
it does sound like "splitting" - but the reality of being in that position is world's apart from all the clinical descriptions/explanations.
Once I'd discovered Twiggy - and all her memories, the repressed emotions - I became pretty self-sufficient, after that. I've been "working on myself" through a number of more spiritual traditions so I had tools to be able to move on to change, pretty quickly. By change - I don't mean at all - that I don't still have the same emotional reactions to certain situations... I sure DO! But my behavior isn't as completely, mysteriously controlled by those emotions, as before I "got Twiggy back".
Getting Twiggy back was the all-important key. And this whole smoking project is still just another level of not letting my behavior be dictated by my emotions - and not stuffing or dismissing my emotions, either.
Yesterday was a beautiful example: I had just decided it was time to relax by playing video games with hubby, when my "troubled" daughter called. She shined me on - gaslighted, essentially - about how wonderful her life is right now, even though her SO had messaged her sister looking for help in dealing with daughter 1's out of control drinking, abuse, and odd behavior. When the topic of drinking came up, I reminded her that she didn't like spending Christmas in jail last year (DUI)... and that only she could control herself and her behavior. I made an excuse to cut the call short... because I noticed she was having trouble with words: not hearing what I said & substituting her version... drinking?? maybe.
So, I was angry that she would lie so plainly to me - she even said that the desperate SOS message her SO sent wasn't reality... sigh. No one sends those kinds of pleading, upset, and frustrated messages - for NO REASON. Daughter 2 had forwarded it to me, so that I wouldn't be manipulated by Daughter 1, yet again. (and some day, I'll investigate this dynamic, too...)
I was just beginning to process some of this anger, when the phone rings again (hadn't gotten up to put the phone back yet). My mother. She has left me alone for about a month - and I've been enjoying the peace & quiet. At that point, I had to go smoke and I grabbed a beer on the way (only drank 1)... and had this very clear awareness of abusing myself to hide my anger (and the facts) about daughter 1 (which is too close to what daughter 1 did to me, for comfort)... and to be able to "uh-huh" my way through my mom's monologue & tirade about her life...
And afterwards... I couldn't believe how sad I was (still angry, tho too). Mom & daughter 1 are doing the exact same things - and here I am in the middle, abusing myself.... because I CARE about both of them (as irrational as this is)... I care so much, that I'm acting out Twiggy's magical belief that by making my wants/needs so UNIMPORTANT - that they would not be who they are, and I wouldn't have to be embarrassed, sad and angry about them anymore. Even had to ask hubby, if my connection with both of them made me a bad person........
..........SIGH................
This is the underlying emotional issue Twiggy has about smoking, you know. But over the weekend, I recognized that I am the one with time-related triggers for smoking; the habitual, timed-fix-inhaling, programmed one. Two problems; different kinds of solutions. One behavior.
Going to be very busy this week - dealing with these dual problems. I think they even feed each other, in odd ways. But at least I didn't feel that I was responsible for daughter 1's behavior any more! (She's 31, ya know???) Lots & lots of stuff to process out of those 2 phone calls and how I (and Twiggy) feel about them.
EDIT IN: ps - I think that Twiggy learned from her mom, that the only way to get HER needs met, was to meet other's needs at all costs... to "do something", in other words. And that emotional imperative has been the underlying motivator of my over-responsibility. And when, I'm faced with the impossibility of doing something useful and positive - it creates that unbearable emotional reality of total powerlessness... so Twiggy reaches for her "magic" again: if I hurt myself... God will see... and the situation will improve. It always worked with her mother, ya know? Talk about Pavlovian reinforcement... no wonder Twiggy is bawling - in my dreams this morning; just under the surface. Poor kid - at least I know my mothering is just what she needs... firm guidance out of that self-perpetuating abusive trap.
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tt:
I have to thank you for bringing up the idea of splitting. I went back & reviewed my PTSD info and lo & behold there is a really HIGH correlation of smoking in people sufferering PTSD. I am immensely grateful, as this is proving to be exactly what I needed to process the last steps of reintegration.
I've seen for myself, how smoking helps "manage" emotions... my guess is that it's also really useful for this kind of splitting. It allows a lot of self-deception and distraction from emotions... activates and suppresses parts of the brain that deal with memory, emotion & thought processes. So my theory is, that smoking is an aid to keeping traumatic memories/emotions well locked away - keeping all that well out the range of consciousness. Well, duh...
More searching & clicking through the back pages of Google also brought me a very interesting paper on PTSD symptoms and Holocaust survivors. It addresses just this kind of splitting - of walling off in the unconscious of painful, traumatic memories and feelings - and how people built other personalities that didn't address emotional vulnerabilities or unresolved grief and still did well in life - until they reached a certain age. Then, some of the "facts of aging" and life changes brought up all kinds of emotional difficulties - that split off section of one's self - that insisted on being dealt with via a lot of physical and emotional symptoms... the PTSD... years after the experience of unspeakable trauma. There were differences between how this delayed onset of PTSD occurred, depending on whether the trauma was experienced as an adult or as a child.
I was exposed to a Holocaust memorial - a photo montage - and spoke with someone, while I was Twiggy and still rather dissociated. It became an icon for me... of man's inhumanity to man... and while what had happened to me, was still fresh in my mind and emotions - I was able to superimpose my suffering on the background of this greater suffering and see how my personal trauma was LIKE this - except that in the continuum of scale, my suffering was a faceless, nameless, insigificant part of the evil that exists in the world, lost in the immensity of the numbers of people who experienced much WORSE than I did. That is both a good thing and a bad thing, simultaneously. It's both going beyond my personal experience and being retraumatized at the same time.
For some time now, I've been trying to explain that when I discuss "Twiggy" from the 3rd person point of view, that it's merely a convenience; a way of talking... however, I now see the reason for it and my T's admonition to keep her feelings separate from mine. Twiggy's issues were the months before and after the trauma; about a year all told. Healing those feelings was one type of task.
During therapy, I uncovered a minefield of crap surrounding my mother. This was a completely SEPARATE set of issues, even though they overlapped, impacted, and confused the PTSD/trauma work. Twiggy's feelings would heal - given sunshine, fresh air, acknowledgement and TIME. They have healed. Triggers still exist, but not as prominently or frequently as last year. Most of Twiggy's healing happened outside of my normal life; tai chi was one place where she could exist safely... and where we learned to work together.
That left me free to deal with and work through my m-issues. The anger, shame, the N issues... and while that's still a work in progress, I'm far enough in, through, and out the other side now... to realize that as Twiggy's feelings healed - we were merging. I didn't have to "talk" to her... I could simply listen to the feelings and intuition inside myself. She isn't a separate entity any longer... and we merge even BETTER when I'm not smoking, because Twiggy remembers how it felt to be ME, without nicotine... and the smoking actually keeps us separate.
My tai chi teacher recently told the class, that the reason she keeps repeating things to us, is because we are all at different levels of self-observation and awareness. Tuesday, a person might be too busy working on something to take in a new piece of info or correction - but Thursday, it's HEARD and one wonders how one missed this obvious thing so long. She said the person has to READY to hear it. And I know this myself, from raising kids and teaching.
When you hung in on this thread, tt, and shifted to talking about splitting... and reintegration... I was finally ready to "hear" it. And to see how smoking fit into this phenomenon.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart!